Tips for the Newly Separated

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  I split from a 9 year Relationship last July . The ending was amicable & we are both still friends ( but we both live in different States) . I wasn't used to a Relationship ending without some sort of Fireworks so , for a while , it felt as if I needed closure . Being 41 , I figured it was time for me to embrace Change . Change is good . After a couple of months , I decided to embark upon a journey of rediscovering myself . I joined Internet Dating sites & through trial & error I eventually found RHP . On my journey so far , I have met some amazing Women . From knowing them , I have learned invaluable lessons about myself . My journey continues , as much by choice as by necessity . When you get knocked down in Life , you've just got to pick yourself up , dust yourself off & keep on walking ... We meet every Person for a reason that may not be revealed until that Person has gone . Take the Best out of what you had & keep on moving ... When you're at the bottom , the only way is Up ;) GG♒ - Posted from rhpmobile

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  Mr_MrsAraps

  12 years ago

  Mate, Pretty much word for word for where I was about about 15 months ago so I know exactly where your coming from. For me what worked in going forward was.. Not blaming myself for it ending as was her decision. If you have kids then spend a lot of time and priority in making sure you talk about what happened , understanding the situation and coping. Also if you have kids the ex is still goin to be a permanent fixture in everyone's lives. Don't be a push-over bit also don't go the other extreme as it getting to the point of throwing plates doesn't help anyone in the long term. Before going back into anything long term spend some time getting to know yourself again. For me I had put so many things higher than myself I felt I was priority 57001 and forgot what made me happy for me. Whether it be hobbies or friends. Also very important is its totally okay to talk with a professional. I did and was great jut to let everything out and get some advice and assistance. Cheers, W. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  Twisted_Mister

  12 years ago

  Appreciate your comments. I think I've got it in my head that it's over, hard as it is. We have an 8 year old boy who rocks both our worlds, and I honestly can't see there being any nasty custody issues. At this point we've tentatively agreed on a week on week off thing, which both our jobs will allow, so that's good. As I told her, I can't be happy in a marriage where she's not happy. I think we'd end up resenting/hating each other (which isn't the case now) and the young bloke would pick up on it, and think that's the way it's supposed to be. It's hard, don't get me wrong but long term it will be better for all three of us.

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Apaprently everything begins and ends in exactly the rite time and place...........apparently - go figure   Im good at endings, had plenty of them..........but I dont have any real advice....except icecream, tequila, oreo cookies, great mates, the passing of time...... and the belief that it will get better...it does...:) .   Ive just returned from having lunch with my ex - someone who I thought Id never be able to breathe without...the passing of time (alot of it and a couple of marriages on his behalf) means that we can now sit opposite each other now ..chat about our lives and recall past adventures together....life does go on..............and one can salvage friendships - it is possible...I like my ex now and more than I ever did..we are finally friends.. he is happily married now and I am happy for him...but yes it took time ...............and forgiveness on both sides...   Mister Green and Araps have posted beautifully.....all I can say is grieve..look at it (the relationship) for what it truly is now and when you ready (not when anyone else is ready ) let it go.. and move on...............no rush, no pressure.......and more importantly be gently with yourself..its ok to have bads days ok..not continual bad weeks !!!   I wish you all the best in this

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  Twisted_Mister

  12 years ago

  Very cool. I too was waiting for fireworks but I don't think that will happen. I remember something my old man told me when I was about my young bloke's age - it's not how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you get back up again. That actually served me well in my time as a boxer - my stage name was Canvas Back! You're right I think - might be time for some rediscovery.

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Araps and Mr.G , you have both had similar experiences so your advice is incredibly valuable and apt. It is true in my opion, that sometimes what may appear to be the very worst thing that can happen to you,can eventually turn out to be the very best.You will be able to do and explore interests as a single person that maybe you could never do as part of a couple.Your life will have a different schedule and timing,hard to get used to at first but you will. It's important to grieve,to mourn what you have lost,you shouldn't feel that every waking moment needs to be filled with ''doing''....but spending all your time doing that is not healthy either....all about balance. Finding a counsellor you trust is excellent advice,talking to friends and family is useful but talking to an impartial person brings a new perspective. The most important thing to remember is that the pain will pass,time does heal.. xFreya

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Partly because I was angry with him about a lot of things an partly because he's one of the truly good guys. We have a unique, loving, fun friendship now, which we've worked hard at. Watching him grow, mature and gain strength from having to like himself regardless of what happened between us has been a beautiful thing. Adversity is a chance to develop compassion, tolerance and forgiveness. Offer yourself those things, and your partner, and enjoy the peace of heart that comes from that. Thanks for posting something so honest and vulnerable xxx

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Sorry to hear things arent great for you, I think you'll find there are many of us on here that have been where you are now, and made it through to the other side. Time is a great healer, and tha'ts all you can give yourself. You are fortunate that you are on a site like this where you have people to chat to, even hang out with when the time is right. All the best, and remember to keep smiling-it makes people wonder what youve been up to....:)

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  I've been there twice... and can only agree with what has been said 200% I wish I had know about RHP then, perhaps it wouldn't have been so painful & I wouldn't have spent the last 3 years hiding...I can also say, Freya is right about counseling, it really helps, especially when the dark times seem too much.Healing wishes to you... :)

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  I'm 16 months out of 26 year relationship. It's easy to gloss over it after the fact. The fact is the first year is the hardest. I would say that it was the hardest of my life to date.   My best advice. Do whatever you need to do. Learn to be alone - not just tolerate it, enjoy it. Surround yourself with people who support you unconditionally Grieve Take time to get know yourself, rediscover who you are or create who you want to be. Do not fill the gap with someone else. Spend time thinking about what's important in your next relationship Invest time in yourself and activities that bring you pleasure date, date, date ...get back on the wagon soon   and make sure that angry thoughts and feelings don't spill over to your son. Any gripe you or your wife have with each other should never be mentioned to your son. He deserves to have two parents on the same side when it comes to raising him.

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  lots of good advice here. I think the hardest thing is learning to cope with the changes as a father. But whatever happens he needs to come first before anything else along with any other kids you have. Learning to enjoy your time alone like karynB said is probably the most important thing. Rediscover your hobbies, friends and people you may have neglected, try new things and most of all give yourself time.

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  So well was what I was going to say, just want to reiterate take time to grieve. It's a big loss. I felt awful for a long time, worked through a lot of grief with a good councilor and I feel like I've come through the other side a better person. Don't jump into another relationship, take some time to get to know yourself. Be kind to yourself. Big hugs... Ax

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Firstly though, I'm truly sorry that things don't appear to be resolvable. Secondly, you need to make sure you love you....more so now than before. By this I mean look after your health first and foremost. By health I mean physical, and mental. There's truly no shame in seeking some help to regain your calibration and help you to transition to separated life. Thirdly, and I'm sure you'll have thought about this, and that's the young one needs structure. A place that he has with mum, and then there's the man cave, that both you and your son own/rent but its for the pair of YOU. My experiences have taught me these three lessons and they're lessons well worth learning. I hope things work out for you, and if ya need a man hug then feel free. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  Mischeviouslad

  12 years ago

  All of the above..... ....And go get busy! Do those things you've wanted to do.... learn, take up those hobbies youve always thought you wanted to explore. This helps pull you out from inside your head. Focus on DOING things with your son, as time spent doing things is always better than money spent giving things. It's hard, but try not to be the guy who unloads on those friends Sadly, expect your friends to react badly too.... some of them. They will be torn with their allegiance to you or your wife. Let them. The ones who stick by you are the ones you deserve. Smile. Life gets better. :-)

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  Twisted_Mister

  12 years ago

  Sincerely, thank you. I will crack on.

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Separation is never easy well it won’t be if the relationship was one you at some point enjoyed being a part of. I don’t think there is any miracle cure to what get you through it so I can only tell you some of the things that worked for me. I separated / divorced from a 12 year relationship and she was the love of my life, it hurt and the hurt got worse after about 6 months. Nothing was easy butwhat I did find helped was exercise the more I did the better I always felt after. I don’t mean for an hour or so but for days , perhaps it was that it gave me something to do , or to look forward to doing. I started riding my bike, joined a small group of people to do fitness classes early mornings, joined a cricket club, played rugby again and got back out in the surf. What it did do was it exposed me to a new group of people that had no link to my past and I loved to whole new fresh start, it linked me to new single women and then the dating game started . It wasn’t long before I felt good about myself , the hurt was still there but I t got less day by day. If I had to place a time frame on how long does it take to feel next to ZERO pain I would say 3 years. But for me that was 7 years ago and I wouldn’t trade my life now to go back and be with my ex-wife for nothing. Hang in there and just enjoy what comes your way, there is no such thing as Karma you create your own chances. So for me sitting at home and getting pissed wasn’t the answer sure I did that too but get involved with life , meet new people and look outside the circle you currently operate within WOW Out

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Hey hun,It sucks to hear about the separation but it is great to hear that it's amicable.I split up with my ex mid-Jan and though it was extremely hard for the first month, it is going well now. We will always be friends. I miss the companionship side of a relationship, not just sex. That's why I'm looking for friends, not just a root.At least you know there are quite a few people who are here to lend an ear as well if you need it. I'm one of them.

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Ive also just separated after 30 years together and 18 years married. I must say though it was long overdue,everyone knew it was just a matter of time. There has not been much of a relationship there for many years now so there was not much adjusting to do. I am thankful that its been a very friendly split , still some ups and downs, but we seem closer now than we have for years.! Go figure;p We have 2 teenage daughters and i have to say they seem much more settled and happy. A whole different atmosphere in the house As long as you stay united in parenting you'll be surprised how adaptable children are Im actually excited about the future for the first time in years!!   1 day at a time TM ;))

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Quoting 'wowwow11' Separation is never easy well it won’t be if the relationship was one you at some point enjoyed being a part of. I don’t think there is any miracle cure to what get you through it so I can only tell you some of the things that worked for me. I separated / divorced from a 12 year relationship and she was the love of my life, it hurt and the hurt got worse after about 6 months. Nothing was easy butwhat I did find helped was exercise the more I did the better I always felt after. I don’t mean for an hour or so but for days , perhaps it was that it gave me something to do , or to look forward to doing. I started riding my bike, joined a small group of people to do fitness classes early mornings, joined a cricket club, played rugby again and got back out in the surf. What it did do was it exposed me to a new group of people that had no link to my past and I loved to whole new fresh start, it linked me to new single women and then the dating game started . It wasn’t long before I felt good about myself , the hurt was still there but I t got less day by day. If I had to place a time frame on how long does it take to feel next to ZERO pain I would say 3 years. But for me that was 7 years ago and I wouldn’t trade my life now to go back and be with my ex-wife for nothing. Hang in there and just enjoy what comes your way, there is no such thing as Karma you create your own chances. So for me sitting at home and getting pissed wasn’t the answer sure I did that too but get involved with life , meet new people and look outside the circle you currently operate within WOW Out Nice post xx

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Having been married twice, the first time for 24 years and the second time far too quickly after the first, I follow the advice my counselor gave me. Fill your day so you do not have too much time to think about what happened or went wrong and I did. Joined the SES, went abseiling, training for my international flood rescue certificate, joined the gym and took up tennis again. Spend far more time with my children and work harder than before. Now my FWB complains that she has to book me in weeks in advance. Think I will keep it that way for a while.

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