F55
Trust
February 26 2017
Comments
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RHP User
8 years ago
ok.. I have trust issues...BUT..I long ago worked out it was NOT because Women are untrustworthy creatures..I long ago worked out that men are not untrustworthy creatures tooI worked out that I personally had issues..My issues are something I OWN.. personally..I have no need to blame OTHERS.. male, female or anything in-between for my issues.. Just saying folks.. IF you have commitment issues.. co dependency issues... trust issues... Then look inside first.. And don't automatically BLAME the other gender.. the other race.. the other person..
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RHP User
8 years ago
Totally agree... my trust issues are exactly that, my issues. And the only person that can fix those issues is me. Hence my questions - I want to know how other people have dealt with it and the strategies they used. Hoping that I'll learn something that I can apply to myself.
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RHP User
8 years ago
takes years to earn and mere suspicion to lose.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I am the same. My ex was fooling around when he worked away. I didnt suspect anything although he was being ultra attentive and buying me gifts. I was thinking I was a lucky girl! I joined RHP for casual dates and FWBS as I reckoned I could cope with something not too serious. And it worked. I chose much younger guys so nothing could develop. Thought I was smart. But then I met Mr Champers. Without going into detail, I met him off another site and thought I was pretty safe. Like you I had big walls up. But....this damned guy was growing on me and I was scared. I finished what was going on between us. I told a friend of mine and she said to me something like " how can you have any kind of relationship again if you always assume that they will fail down the line?" I had a think about it. Soul destroying as it is at the time, we shouldnt let one guy ruin any chance of future happiness. Luckily Mr kept in touch and we got back together. Now I dont have a clue if its going to last...no one ever knows....but what we have is far too good to throw away on a what if. Im letting someone in and enjoying being happy. Its hard but you have to give someone that chance. Youre a sassy, lovely lady and I hope you meet someone special who can bring down those walls xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
Breaking trust is one. How a person responds at the time and into the future is another. Whether it is a family member, a lover, a spouse, a friend, teacher or another relationship, trust can be broken by that other person. Trust is a delicate thing. Once broken, the relationship is never the same. Sometimes it can be salvaged others not. It depends on the circumstances and the people involved. However, it doesn't matter how much glue you use, the cracks are still there. Sometimes there is nothing left to glue together as trust has been shattered so badly that it can't be fixed. We are changed by our experiences. How we change is up to us. Do we become more cautious? Less trusting? Or do we allow ourselves to trust others until they show us reason not to. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Lack of trust can sometimes be a self fulfilling prophecy. So yes - you can trust again as it is your choice whether you wish to do so. Emotions make our choices more complicated but again it is your choice. How to do it? I can't really help with that. Just go with the flow perhaps. Talk to a trusted friend. get professional help. Yes - I speak from experience. Be well KH x
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RHP User
8 years ago
I've certainly had my heart broken before...but never from a breach of trust.I hope I never get to experience that one.Does that mean I'm too trusting still? Or is it a blessing? I don't know..
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RHP User
8 years ago
First, it's really refreshing to hear you open up and share your fears. I feel like a bit of a fraud posting here because I haven't been on the receiving end of broken trust and monogamy wasn't/isn't a factor for me, neither is jealousy. I have been the one to break trust myself, but that's a unique story, not one I'll put on here, a different situation. I have however, had my heart broken and that was devastating, I just knew I'd lost him, and being with other people wasn't the problem. That sinking feeling when the realisation hits, they're no longer into you, they don't feel the way you do, that's a realisation that can be devastating, particularly when it was so good, and has the potential to be even better. So I stopped it as soon as I sensed that, and then regretted it, and was really angry with myself. I've never cried like that, I was overwhelmed with grief, and felt responsible. Fast forward a significant period of time, it took me a looooong time, and I believe I might have finally got over him. We're now back in contact and friends, which is amazing, I think that helped me arrive where I am now. Losing someone you love is like a death, you grieve for them, miss talking to them every day, the small things, the connection, it's hard, but don't let that stop you trusting again. I have to ask the question, why monogamy though? Not judging and not wanting to offend, but I'm curious, fascinated actually why people who have been in this lifestyle, wouldn't want to continue with it. I believe monogamy is a recipe for future hurt, and I now like kinky stuff, so turned on by partners who like me being with other people, and me them, I could see myself fitting into a cuckold type relationship or similar. So just curious where that jealousy comes from. Open relationships kind of do away with jealousy issues, if both are comfortable with it. Sorry, this is sounding like a lecture. Anyway, just my thoughts 😃
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RHP User
8 years ago
Well Op this is a major topic that you have brought up. How to deal with your own insecurities is not easy and I would recommend you don't try doing it by yourself. Seeking out a professional who will listen to you is definitely advised. It helped me when going through rough times and a divorce or two. Op your not alone on thinking this way. With counseling and finding an understanding partner who's had similar life experience you can build a normal relationship. Just have to take your time to gain each other's trust and respect. I'd also lay my card's on the table and say who i am, warts and all to the next partner you meet. Men also have insecurities, we just bottle them up most of the time. I'm still open to a meaningful relationship if i meet the right girl, but that is the key ! To meet the right person.
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Limited_Editionx
8 years ago
To me trust is a set of expectations you have put on another person -sometimes without telling them and then they have not done what you wanted/were relying on them doing so it is termed a breach of trust... I tend to not believe in trust as a concept at all... I believe everyone is their own person, everyone acts as they do- you can try to predict the future from past behavioural patterns but you may not be right- and I tend to get angry at myself when I'm not right lol. But it is your choice how you react and what actions you take afterwards. This might sound weird or overly pragmatic ... sorry in advance Xx Miss L.Ed.
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Katkat
8 years ago
Yes definitely once you've been broken, taken for granted or abused not easy to have that trust again. For me you have to be sincere or loyal asf. A woman with trust issues has had too many broken promises, too many heartbreaks, or too many people lying to her. You can't expect her to lower her walls easily. But yeah it's like a demon inside of you telling you should I or should I not? But then again I have my good & bad side more like an angel & demon so just depends on my mood on the day I guess. 😉 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Yes I've experienced it ... yes we've worked past the issue. I certainly didn't like the betrayal but in the clear light of day with the emotions taken out (from me ) I can understand the situation that it arose in. Was it a significant issue? Well we had boundaries around it. Was it significant enough that I'd walk away from a wonderful relationship? absolutely not!!! Trust is a slippery process for me and it pervades every aspect of my life. I have issues around it because I'm insecure in myself. No one else has responsibility for that but me ... but boy do I struggle. I'm in a poly relationship, one with my husband, a 27 year union and one with my boyfriend, 7 months young ;) In my marriage, I'm entrusted with ensuring that my marriage gets what it needs, that it continues to thrive and develop. We only became swingers 3 years ago, we had many years establishing our relationship and it withstands anything. Trust is critical to not lose sight of each other and our needs. In my relationship with my Bf, we are new to this as a couple. It's also an open relationship and so there are more complexities than if in a traditional relationship. I trust my BF implicitly, my struggle is that I have to trust in so many things, especially our relationship and it withstanding 'outside influences' and the tyranny of distance as we develop as a couple also. Trust issues emerge for me because I'm not used to developing a relationship with so many other external influences. On a strong emotional day, nothing fazes me. On days when I'm feeling insecure, issues arise because I overthink things, I over analyze things, I question myself, my relationship and so the vicious cycle begins. Luckily, in my relationships I've found two awesome men who communicate well, listen and hear my concerns, tell me when I'm being ridiculous but always help me navigate through rocky ground. In doing so, every time we communicate and deal with issues as they arise in an honest way ... we continue to build trust and my insecurities become less and less pervasive in my relationships :) Mary xx
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
With my ex-husband and I never thought it would happen to us to be honest, big blindside. He lied to me numerous ways. It was soul shattering and I will never trust him again because he still lies to me frequently and I catch him out so that would be stupid on my part. However that doesn't mean I would never trust anyone else again. I didn't think I would for a while but I have worked through a lot of those issues through counselling, talking to friends and self help stuff. But I am way less naive and a lot more pragmatic that I used to be. I also pay a lot of attention to my gut feeling on people. I think I am more attuned to shifty behaviour than I have been in the past be it at work or in my personal life. If you feel like its a major barrier for you though, go and get some help with it. We all have the power to change our own reality and perceptions of things if we want to. It is possible, even though it may seem like a major barrier at the moment. xxoo
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RHP User
8 years ago
Yes I certainly have trust issues and yes I own them, I understand them and I have done countless "therapies" to get over them and to forgive others and myself. The first cut was from my mother, the second came late in primary school. I still feel the anger and hurt typing this. Looking back on my life it's clear that since that time it was my actions that bought things undone in order to prove out those first pains and reactions. I'm better now because time and introspection have enabled me to witness my own behaviour as it happens and not get sucked in to repeating the negativity. But It is always with me.
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PurePeony
8 years ago
That's the way I view myself. I open up to a few and I clam shut with others. Some people are just more trustworthy than others, it's a personality thing. Usually, the common trait amongst these folks would be selflessness, generosity in spirit and in giving their time to others, their sense of responsibility, their morals ... all that determines how dependable they are and hence how much I can trust them. I tend not to trust people who are flighty, restless, show-offish, evidently insincere and selfish. I suppose because I'm pretty discerning and not gullible most of the time, it has saved me from a lot of hurt. If we misjudge how trustworthy someone is and entrust them with our hearts, we are putting ourselves at risk. I won't go there if I think it's too risky to trust someone. I can recall two recent situations in the last few years where my trust was broken in the relationship context - I believed what the guys declared and insisted to be true, ie. their strong feelings for me and their desire to have me around in their lives, only to have them abruptly turn on their heels and do the cowardly ghosting thing once I decided to trust them. I felt really stupid, hurt and used. I hate doing dumb things like letting my guard down to trust people whom I shouldn't have trusted in the first place. I hate being made to look gullible and realising that I've been had. To answer your question about whether I'd be able to trust these people again - No. Once bitten, twice shy. I was vulnerable and chose to believe in someone's declarations of sincerity, intent, etc and that has a certain element of insincerity and perhaps even fraudulence. You start to question, were they saying all those nice things to you just so they could have their way with you? Or were they sincere at that point in time but something happened to change their minds? Whatever it was, as long as they do not offer clear explanations, aren't open with communication, are evasive or have disappeared, the trust that had been broken is perhaps best left as it is. Sure the trust can be re-established but it would take open communication, dedication, etc to rebuild the trust. Trust that's been broken are like barnacles - very hard to get rid of and is it really worth the trouble? As to your question about whether I might have trust issues in general, the answer is nope. I continue to be pretty guarded and suspicious of new and unfamiliar people, which is my usual code anyway, but I have no qualms trusting people who have proven to be trustworthy and reliable, people who have strength of character, are sensible and very grounded. I'm really lucky to be surrounded by good peeps that way. My support network of friends and ex FWB's / ex bf's is pretty strong and sturdy so I do not have crippling trust issues unless we are talking about strangers and unfamiliar people. I do go by the "better safe than sorry" mantra and recently, in my workplace, I was stunned when a colleague handed his ATM card to another when he wanted to shout coffee for all of us, so that she could go place the orders and make payment using PayWave. I don't think I'd ever hand anyone my ATM card! Two ex bf's have entrusted me with their ATM cards AND PIN number though, which I found really really complimentary because they had so much faith in my character and my trustworthiness. Strangely enough, I've always been nominated as Treasurer in school committees and such because quite a few people have said that I have a trustworthy vibe / look. I think some people are just more trusting than others. ElkeM, I can understand why you would find it hard to trust men after being wounded. But don't let the past ruin your future. People are all different and meeting a few cads does not mean ALL men are cads. There are still gentlemen out there and I hope you'll get to meet more and more trustworthy guys. Our natural tendency is to prevent future hurts and pain from happening but we can't be so guarded that we deprive ourselves of any chances at potential happiness and bliss. I take a courageous approach to taking risks and facing down fears - the more I fear an issue, the more I confront it and deal with it face-on so that eventually, I realise that hey, the threat is not that bad and I can survive it! But don't force anything - when you are ready, you are ready. ;) Take as long as you need to heal from your wounds. :) A great skill to develop is to listen to our instincts, our "gut feelings" and 6th sense, and never wave down any red flag that appears in our communication with guys. It's a sort of proactive protection against men who are dodgy characters. Wonderful topic, OP!
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RHP User
8 years ago
If something is purposefully not communicated. Always work on yourself after having a painful experience. Eventually you will attract what you need and deserve. Even if it's a life lesson of sorts. Forgive, move forward and protect yourself first by listening to how you feel about the situation you are in. If it is not healthy then move on, things always change. Be nice to think people can also change sometimes hmmmmm......Hope is greater than fear they say ❤️❤️❤️❤️ - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Thank you to everyone who has responded thus far. I'm blown away by your honesty and willingness to share your own experiences. There's a lot in your responses for me to take hope from, and also some great advice as well. You guys are awesome 😘
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RHP User
8 years ago
Is there a primal wound that has neen left undealt with? I'd be curious to know if you do in fact have trust issues or attachment or dependency issues? Trust is always relative. There are some things I trust with people and other things I do not. Conetext is important. Within the boundaries of a lover...I suppose that depends on how honest you are being with yourself about your own needs and desires. Baggage is a pain in the arse but we all have some. Finding lovers who can match thier Hugo Boss to your Louise Vuitton is where is at. Feeling safe to unpack with beautiful friends & understanding lovers can be a wonderfully healing experience. I don't mind baggage, the carry on variety but if someone is still legging out of the case - I would have to give it some thought. Knowing our shadow selves and dark places is important, learning and healing also. I admire that you are on your journey doing it. Thank you for sharing, it was a topic I needed to wade through a little myself. Femme 💋 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
you often see in profiles people wanting partners with no baggage. Baggage means you have lived and is not a bad thing, as long as it's neatly packed in the hall closet and not strewn all over the bedroom floor waiting to trip someone.
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lovman8
8 years ago
It saddens and disappoints me that my sex suffers from a great lack of trust. What saddens me and disappoints me even more is I totally understand why this is a problem as I think as a gender we don't earn the respect we should or once did. ElkeM I only hope you can gradually come to respect a little and give a little of your trust to some men who earn the right to receive it and that you are not let down or disappointed.
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PurePeony
8 years ago
Love what you have written. Your generation had a lot of gentlemen who had a high moral code and are accountable and respectable. To use an illustration, your generation would be expected to demonstrate an ability to pay for the meal before orcering it. These days, most men want to wolf down the grand buffet, and then sneak off before the bill arrives. :P Generalization, of course! There are still gentlemen around, but they are few and far between. Too much flippancy, and not enough care and consideration.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Trust! Or lack there off! Not here to preach or be accusing of! But..... But the older we get and with that a varying degree of experiences good and bad! I have found it so frustrating ri the point of not wanting a ' normal" relationship again. Since my marriage break up 13 yes or so ago, which had spanned 11 years. Every relationship I've had since has not only become continually shorter in duration! But have been intensely a struggle to be relaxed and comfortable as trust issues in my then partners, to a point where! I'm having to explain and reveal all I do and where I go!!!!! WTF guys!!!! In fact, it was them who had betrayed my trust by act of infidelity! The last three as matter of fact! The thing is, in reality most of us are aware of human desires and emotions! For most part, for the sake of fitting in with society! We tend to "fake it" to fit in! And for those who don't have as much or if any an opportunity (for some lucky ones! Ample!) To go with the rush, thrill, of going after what our soul maybe lusting for. In that fleeting moment and the whole physical, mental and emotional state of over whelming ecstasy! No one in their right mind would rather be somewhat restraint and miserable denying our self s of this positively powerful and healthy right! I've had different relationships with some very different woman over the decades and to be honest! The best and empowering of them were the "open" or fwbs.... Absolutely no trust issues! I had a brieft totally powerful connection with a woman who I believed to be my soul mate! Or life partner as it will! The emotions and thoughts I had with her made any other relationship look like high school crushes! She how ever had previous partners betray her time and time again! She stresses that she loved me as I did her! But and I guess rightfully so! That she was genuinely worried of my future infidelity! Constant reassurance, total commitment and no " white lies" with complete heart felt honesty regarding all and everything. She was so convinced of me cheating and then she had revealed that to me 12 mths later! This I forgave and dismissed knowing that is what life is! She in her mind thought that if I would reveal my " I know that you have" cheated! Just admit and we will work through and get on! 6 mths later and I had enough. Constant questioning? Asking to clarify my stories so she could look for inconsistencies. Asking and accusing of me screwing every woman she knows! To this day, I trusted her undoubtedly and forgave, instantly, without any I'll feeling as I knew I would not find a perfect "fit" in a partner again. I still and believe will always feel this way! For me, to trust and have trust is to know exactly what you " do and equally don't" want! Communicate this, know that the worst can and does happen and know how to deal with it when arises In my case, with the last 3 relationships. I had openly discussed and revealed that the " cheat thing" was not an issue at all!!!! But not revealing and/ or discussing the reasons, issues etc would be a deal breaker. Funny how easy and relatively relaxed they were when it came to discussing other sexual interactions....hahaha... This is why on rhp! NSA is great! So is everything else that is fun! I'm admiring all the happy and married couples on here that not only are enjoying life with compatible partners, sharing that joy with others! I personally have voiced my views regarding swingers, a third or enjoying other couples with the partners I had. Not only they were shocked and " not into that"! They were going behind my back and this is why I'm frustrated! Yes I would live nothing more to have a life partner who I truly adored, when at times also be open and free and embrace the few joys life has too offer and play together! I must say ladies! And I don't apologies for this! You girls are the worst for trust issues and blocked or denied emotions regarding past hurts! Yes and my god I see the pain and anguish straight up when voicing concerns of the past I'm so worn out and totally have no regard any more for mature adults and most have had children acting them self's like children. As I've been the one taking the blows that should've been for the last guy or so! And for what reason??? I open my heart to them, giving and sharing what we enjoy and want from each other. I'm now, after what seemed an eternity, constant internal struggle within myself! Have found, restored with 100% truth all things dark and light, am so in tuned with my inner self, my core, my universe and as such do know and will know always what i need, want and desire. And off course knowing my flaws and weaknesses as exactly for what they are and never deny, forget or pretend any different! Im very comfortable with my life as an individual and will always tell it for exactly how I see it! I also am a great believer and without any prejudice see all of life in its beauty and its brutality! Ying and Yang! Positive and negative, night and day and the big one, life and death. Every thing needs balance! So there fore, why do we as humans feel that we have the right to have something forever and not let you down! Its not a matter of trust or lack there off! Its a matter of firstly knowing yourself your whole self, every last molecule! If you are at odds with your own truths! Then I suggest to expect disappointment so more often. Until you are self assured and I don't mean that its everyone else, not you bs! But know tour flaws and have understood why they are, how they effect you and others and be sure to truly listen to all your senses to know your truths! I don't have an issue with trust! I just know how to communicate and reveal, enquire and review everyone in my life and know exactly what purpose they serve! I'm so over the mistrusting and self righteous people out there to vent and hate on me because they are insecure! I'm not perfect, but I'm the perfect me! I will only be with, share with any others who know and convey the relationship that is! To expect or even think that the " right" partner is out there!!!! Well. If there is such a thing!. He would still be with his high school sweetheart now! Wouldn't he! I'd rather have a beer and a laugh with someone who openly says they don't like me, because its easy to determine what you share with them!!! Then to be wrongfully told that your the best, favourite or only one, and then find out otherwise! And your heart sinks as you know all your deepest inner most secrets, fantasies and that, are now in the wrong hands!!!. For me,the word " trust"/ is a non existent word, along with " I cant' Instead I view peoples qualities and flaws to determine any interaction. In my opinion and only due to a lot of experience Never trust a person that has trust issues!
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RHP User
8 years ago
There is so much regard to woman having trust issue with men! It's repeatedly voiced in most social media, in a lot of quotes available to post online......In my personal experience, not just myself but friends and family male members I know well! Woman have been the culprits! In fact ive seen woman that are so good so cool and so easily brush off any suspicion as paranoia! That they will turn it around on you to shake anymore enquires! Nasty trait to have!
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MsSuperFoxy
8 years ago
Thank you for sharing. Wow! What a read, what courage, what honesty. From your point of view, I do get it. Ms Foxy x
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RHP User
8 years ago
I get what you're saying but it's women and jealousy. It fuckin drives me crazy. They guard their men like they bloody own them. you can't own another human being, restricting them, holding them back, so that they fake it to keep their women happy, it's bullshit. Who wants to live like that. Not me certainly, what a waste of perfectly good time, time that could be spent with both freely interacting with other people, but still loving each other. Simples as far as I'm concerned. I would rather leave the door slightly ajar for him to leave anytime he likes, only staying if he wants to be with me, and it kind of helps that I'm turned on by them being with other chicks, I'd happily watch and have a play lol naughy girl
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RHP User
8 years ago
I'm gobsmacked. Thank you for gwtting real and being raw. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
If you love them, set them free. If it was meant to be, they'll find their way back 😯
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Lovinit28andKC72
8 years ago
Yes I had my trust broken by my ex husband, he was sleeping with someone I believed to be my friend. So I found out, beat the living shit out of her and then set the plan in place to leave him (took about 12/18months). Fast forward 4 years, this same girl that was fucking my husband, starts seeing my brother. So they are now married a couple of kids, yeah it's shit, but I've moved on, do I trust her, hell no, but I've forgiven her, I just haven't forgotten. Anyway now I don't really have trust issues, but I have done a lot of work on myself over the years and was single for a very long time (8/9 years). I'm lucky now that I have a man that loves me, I know he loves me and I feel loved by him. But KC has the same kind of issues as you ElkeM and I knew this before we entered into our relationship. Communitation is what he needs, we discuss absolutely everything, we are completely honest and open, this is how we do it, lots of talking and listening, yes it's hard work sometimes, it pushes me out of my comfort zones sometimes, but it's well worth it. I will point him this way and he can explain it more himself. 💋
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RHP User
8 years ago
While I stand by my first post, I don't think I have "issues", I actually feel enlightened, like I have climbed out of a quagmire of human bullshit. Call it denial if you want, I call it freedom.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I understand the thrust of your post. I too have been through the wringer, and the experience left me highly attuned/en garde to warning signs... Whilst I agree with the views of some posters on this topic, I strongly disagree with others. Whilst it is true each of us have some choice as to how we react to a given set of circumstances, I would point out (for a host of reasons) the range of choices available in response may be less than "Fair, Just, Reasonable, or Otherwise Proper". I would also say those who would state that "Trust" is simply an issue with self are seriously misguided. Some people are untrustworthy, and I think anyone who adopts the character flaws of other parties as problems they need to address within themselves are unlikely to ever resolve the root cause of their conflict. Sometimes it is entirely appropriate to not trust someone. The great difficulty for most people seems to be clear and proper identification of what, when and whom to trust, and when to be truly wary. Consequently, there is strong potential for innocent parties to be falsely accused, tried and convicted in the Kangaroo Court... I agree it is vitally important to first be honest with yourself, be honest and genuine in your dealings with others, and maintain open and clear lines of communication.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I get really miffed when I hear a man say, "You women are all the same." I get equally pissed when I hear, "All men are players." There is nothing worse than basking in the company if someone and realising that you're trying to shine in the shadow of a past lover's behaviour - it's like being dressed in another woman clothes, they're not mine & they don't fit. We're not all the same, try if you can to isolate the incident. I knkw that is so much easier said than done, I know that old hurts resurface in the face of new circumstances. Grab your new lover, eye stare a while, ask some really deep personal questions, breathe them in...drag yourself into the present and see if you can't dive in and forget the person who made you doubt yourself. I find when I am having trust peoblems, it's not the lover I dont trust - it is my ability to choose someone good for me that comes into question, it is myself I don't trust. Forgiving someone for hurting you isn't a prerequisite for moving on but forgiving yourself for putting yourself in the position of being hurt in the first place is. Loads of brilliant, vulnerable answers here, thank you to everyone posting. - Posted from rhpmobile
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cat_n_the_hatter
8 years ago
As an adult, being able to trust another individual is an indication of strength; there’s too many bitter adults in this world. We need to nurture that innocent part of us that can keep on trusting others. Loving others and not expecting anything in return is the greatest gift that one can offer another. (Ms)
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RHP User
8 years ago
🍸 *raises glass* - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'cat_n_the_hatter' As an adult, being able to trust another individual is an indication of strength; there’s too many bitter adults in this world. We need to nurture that innocent part of us that can keep on trusting others. Loving others and not expecting anything in return is the greatest gift that one can offer another. (Ms) The 'strength' to which you refer might be understood to mean prudent judgement or discernment, and the 'innocence' you suggest might be perceived by some as naive, meek or feeble. Holding a reservation on one's full trust ought not be perceived as either weak or bitter. Is it not reasonable to expect it takes time to earn the trust of others? Would you surrender the keys to your car or your house as readily as you would surrender the keys to your heart? What carries more value? For the most part, material possessions can easily be repaired or replaced (and you can purchase insurance to help cover your losses!) Context (even pretext) is an important consideration in all dealings (especially those initiated online due to increased anonymity coupled with the lack of body language, facial expression, voice tone etc). It is not by coincidence so many people fall prey to cheats and fraudsters.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I met a guy for a drink one night and although we had had some great convos by text, when we met up all he went on about was his ex. How happy they had been and that he couldnt understand why shed left. After a couple of hours that was enough for me. I know he was hurting and sounding off but Id been through that myself and wanted to have a nice evening with nice company. I have zero feelings for my ex and what he is doing now doesnt interest me at all. So I didnt spend my dates going on about it. Sometimes I think men take it harder than women? I dont think we can ever 100% trust anyone else, but 99% is pretty good as far as Im concerned. We are humans and fallible, every one of us. Thats why we have forgiveness xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
Ontology I will Say that I do trust everyone straight up!Its not a matter of waiting for that trust to be broken. when I mentioned that I trust everyone upfront!I don't mean everyone! I merely meant those whom Ive chosen to associate with and to what degree you share what information to the different people I have dealings with...... For example, you trust your employees to do their jobs correctly! You may have a joke and chit chat to them during the work day. doesn't mean you divulge your inner most secrets to them. Buy you trust them for the purpose they serve
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'Heavenlysinful' Ontology I will Say that I do trust everyone straight up!Its not a matter of waiting for that trust to be broken. when I mentioned that I trust everyone upfront!I don't mean everyone! I merely meant those whom Ive chosen to associate with and to what degree you share what information to the different people I have dealings with...... For example, you trust your employees to do their jobs correctly! You may have a joke and chit chat to them during the work day. doesn't mean you divulge your inner most secrets to them. Buy you trust them for the purpose they serve That (in red) is what I refer to as prudent, discerning judgement. To do otherwise may prove imprudent, naive, meek, or feeble. My central point is that people render themselves vulnerable when they are too open and/or too quick to bestow their trust in others. Sometimes (often, and in all manner of human relations) it is a good idea to slow things down a little and more properly explore another's thinking, background and experience... Once bitten, twice shy.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'Heavenlysinful' Ontology I will Say that I do trust everyone straight up!Its not a matter of waiting for that trust to be broken. when I mentioned that I trust everyone upfront!I don't mean everyone! I merely meant those whom Ive chosen to associate with and to what degree you share what information to the different people I have dealings with...... For example, you trust your employees to do their jobs correctly! You may have a joke and chit chat to them during the work day. doesn't mean you divulge your inner most secrets to them. Buy you trust them for the purpose they serve Quoting 'Champagnesunsets' I met a guy for a drink one night and although we had had some great convos by text, when we met up all he went on about was his ex. How happy they had been and that he couldnt understand why shed left. After a couple of hours that was enough for me. I know he was hurting and sounding off but Id been through that myself and wanted to have a nice evening with nice company. I have zero feelings for my ex and what he is doing now doesnt interest me at all. So I didnt spend my dates going on about it. Sometimes I think men take it harder than women? I dont think we can ever 100% trust anyone else, but 99% is pretty good as far as Im concerned. We are humans and fallible, every one of us. Thats why we have forgiven Forgiveness!!Yes that's a most powerful thing to do for your own emotional wellbeing!Forgive both the person who broke the trust,Forgive yourself for and let it go! My own family are the first and harshest to criticise me and why did I mess up another relationship? The only thing that bothers me about their criticisms, is that unlike them, I don't give up, I don't just stay in a relationship and "just get on for your sake"..... I know that these critics of mine are very unhappy with their relationships, as such I know my younger brother hasn't slept in the same room with his partner for years!!!! so I guess I trust harder........But I do know who not to trust too! this is always based on knowing what you want and don't want. I'm now more trusting, as I don't use the literal trust but more of Like Minded and similar interests.I at this stage of my life knows that we all get let down, disappointed or even betrayed any given day of the week all year long. I expect the worst and always accept the strength's of ones character... for me, three long years living with my parents and I was 32 at the time. no dates no going out and certainly no sex1purely for the fact that I couldn't move forward as I had no I dear what I wanted, what was I about, and of course the "whats the meaning of life".... Well I tell you the meaning of life is this.....RED HOT PIE !!!!!!!!
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'LaFemmeFontaine' I get really miffed when I hear a man say, "You women are all the same." I get equally pissed when I hear, "All men are players." There is nothing worse than basking in the company if someone and realising that you're trying to shine in the shadow of a past lover's behaviour - it's like being dressed in another woman clothes, they're not mine & they don't fit. We're not all the same, try if you can to isolate the incident. I knkw that is so much easier said than done, I know that old hurts resurface in the face of new circumstances. Grab your new lover, eye stare a while, ask some really deep personal questions, breathe them in...drag yourself into the present and see if you can't dive in and forget the person who made you doubt yourself. I find when I am having trust peoblems, it's not the lover I dont trust - it is my ability to choose someone good for me that comes into question, it is myself I don't trust. Forgiving someone for hurting you isn't a prerequisite for moving on but forgiving yourself for putting yourself in the position of being hurt in the first place is. Loads of brilliant, vulnerable answers here, thank you to everyone posting. - Posted from rhpmobile LaFemme,Ive heard both woman and men say those "all same" crap!I would never say that as already, all my woman that's now only memories! Not one was any way similar to another.....And I know some pretty decent blokes out there that are treasured by their partners as the woman they chose to be with are secure within themselves....
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cat_n_the_hatter
8 years ago
Quoting 'ontology' Quoting 'cat_n_the_hatter' As an adult, being able to trust another individual is an indication of strength; there’s too many bitter adults in this world. We need to nurture that innocent part of us that can keep on trusting others. Loving others and not expecting anything in return is the greatest gift that one can offer another. (Ms) The 'strength' to which you refer might be understood to mean prudent judgement or discernment, and the 'innocence' you suggest might be perceived by some as naive, meek or feeble. Holding a reservation on one's full trust ought not be perceived as either weak or bitter. Is it not reasonable to expect it takes time to earn the trust of others? Would you surrender the keys to your car or your house as readily as you would surrender the keys to your heart? What carries more value? For the most part, material possessions can easily be repaired or replaced (and you can purchase insurance to help cover your losses!) Context (even pretext) is an important consideration in all dealings (especially those initiated online due to increased anonymity coupled with the lack of body language, facial expression, voice tone etc). It is not by coincidence so many people fall prey to cheats and fraudsters. I believe you misunderstood me Onto. Trusting someone or something implies that I also hope for the realisation of the trusted. Trusting is a mode of existence that shapes our outlook on the near future; a future that will probably develop according to implicitly or explicitly expressed expectations. Person tends to meet social situations, trustfully or distrustfully, on the background of “things taken for granted” by that person. Rather, whether a person as a default attitude meets others with trust or distrust depends on her past experience and social environment—brought up in an atmosphere of distrust between peers, distrust will also become the prima facie attitude in encounters with others. To say it simply, it's like being pregnant. You can be little pregnant. You are or you are not. It's the same with trust. If you trust someone it can't be half-heartedly. It exist or it doesn't. And there is nothing another can do if your default it set on distrust. The trust in one another has no ontological status but is something we continually have to establish, to will into existence, and to fight for. (Ms)
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