M41
Unwanted Knowledge of Goings and Comings
January 20 2013
Comments
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RHP User
12 years ago
I am in this exact situation at the moment I have a g/f - not a real close g/f but a friend....she is currently having a affair with another lady - hubby is FIFO - has absolutely no idea - and of course many others in our large circle dont know either...( I was in the rite place at the wrong time and thats how I know !!) .because two chicks hanging out togther does not invoke comment - and this is a really an affair - its not just sex...I know..Ive spokenn to my g/f about it, I understand the whys and hows of it all ..but I still think it is wrong....and have told her so......of course I am friends with the hubby arent I ? .......but Ive elected to say nothing........... In another situation, due to may nature of work and due to the fact that Perth is the smallest city on the planet........I came across the medical records of the husband of a very good friend of mine..he has a STI -one that requires a prolonged course of treatment - not a quick dose of antibiotics........... I do not know...and I am only presuming - knowing i his wife as I do...that she doesnt know about his playing around - now with this case, due to my oath - I cannot and will not say anything EVER but a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing and since discovering this..its taken all of my acting skills not to treat him any different than what I normally do................I will never say anthing as in this scenario I could lose my job so its not even a option or open to discussion However in my first case, its tough...really tough not to say anything however this is a choice Ive made............and to be hoenst I will be glad when it all blows up....(and it will) but I then dread the questionof "Did I know?" because I will not be able to lie and Im sure the hubby will not be impressed with my compliance with the situation The irony is...if I was the one being cheated on, to be honest I would want to know (having been cheated on before although my ex was stealth and not one my friends knew and therefore were never put in this awkward position) but I wont say anything as I do not want to be viewed as meddling Tough and awkward isnt it ? and knowledge can be damning... so as far as I concerned...I do know but it is not my business and when and if I am confronted, well I will deal with that as best as Ican..and I will explain my reasons...if the person concerned can see beyond their hurt to understand then I will be grateful, my job in the future is to be supportive to both parties of the first case.. It would be just be sooooooooooooo much easier, if we all just followed the same moral code...........sigh....
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RHP User
12 years ago
As the messenger you often get blamed or caught up in the "affair" and it can alter your friendship if you tell them. If it was close personal friend of mine I would tell them. If it was someone I didn't know as well I would stay out of it. I mean how do you know what goes on in their relationship. Maybe they have an open relationship or come to some arrangement, you just don't know. If a close friend of mine was cheating on their partner well I wouldn't be their cover and I would not lie for them. I would tell them I think they are doing the wrong thing, but I would probably keep their secret though whilst encouraging them to come clean with their partner.
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RHP User
12 years ago
GREAT TOPIC OP..I was going to post a Forum on this - but OP has worded it other wise...There is an unwritten code between the sexes.1) Chicks before dicks or Hoes before Bros...2) Be honest with each other...So there is my answer.....
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RHP User
12 years ago
...a person will return to their marriage, with greater devotion, after an affair. For what ever reason, they feel bored and stiffled in the marriage and seek diversion elsewhere. They often come to realise that they've made a mistake and what they had at home is what they want afterall. As long as they are able to keep it to themselves, they can carry on with their lives as though nothing had happened. This is not the common course of events but it does happen. If a person were to interfere, they would rob the couple of the possibility of this outcome. Regardless of my relationship to either party, I would allow matters to take their own course. Again, I want to repeat that an affair is usually a symptom of a bad marriage and not the cause. By focusing on the infidelity, people are ignoring the root cause and there is no possiblity of rectifying matters.
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Paradisepair
12 years ago
I've known about incidents in the past but I think it would take the ignorant party being someone very close to me before I would get involved. I'd be more likely to talk to the offender too...- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
You just wrote it.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'jensman1903' ...a person will return to their marriage, with greater devotion, after an affair. For what ever reason, they feel bored and stiffled in the marriage and seek diversion elsewhere. They often come to realise that they've made a mistake and what they had at home is what they want afterall. As long as they are able to keep it to themselves, they can carry on with their lives as though nothing had happened. This is not the common course of events but it does happen. If a person were to interfere, they would rob the couple of the possibility of this outcome. Regardless of my relationship to either party, I would allow matters to take their own course. Again, I want to repeat that an affair is usually a symptom of a bad marriage and not the cause. By focusing on the infidelity, people are ignoring the root cause and there is no possiblity of rectifying matters.GUILT is what normally makes a partner return because the grass on the other side was not what they thought.. Once a cheater always a cheater - they loose their power... It's not up to the person who cheated to give devotion upon returning - The power is in the hands of the ones cheated on....they make that choice to have or to have not that person back in their lives/marriage or what ever...
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RHP User
12 years ago
Ive been the one in the bad marriage that let to him having an affair and I've been one of the unknowing ones who gets 'the' text message from the devastated girlfriend. Ive also been the one who knows the big secret. Feels like crap no matter where you stand really. Lying is bullshit. Lying by omission is bullshit. Expecting others to lie for you is bullshit. I'm an all or nothing kinda gal. If you lie to me, I'm gone. Simple really.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I did have affairs in my first marriage and have never felt guilt for it. What's more, I have never 'cheated' on Jennylee and I never shall. The catch phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is purile and false.
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RHP User
12 years ago
as you do not know for a fact unless you are the one with the married mans cock in you up to then its all smoke and mirrors and lies people make asumptions, people lie and people like to break up married people cause they are on a high horse at the time and if you tell a woman her husband is fucking around, she may already know but turn a blind eye then if some one tells her she is forced to take action and then , there goes the family down the shitter when in fact the guy may grow out of fucking around, the woman may grow into fucking around the world goes round and round even with out the moral knights of the fuck table Nope and believe me I have a friend and the rumour is her husband is the daddy of some ones kid and who knows unless a dna is done and what would it do then, the childs mother oes not want to have it done, and the so called daddy has no idea he is a father and I have no idea if its true anyway so zip it, as all you do is make a persons life a living hell they are not ax murderers
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RHP User
12 years ago
The person you are cheating with...HOW WELL DO YOU "TRUST" THE PERSON YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH??DO YOU TRUST THEM ENOUGH knowing that they might go and tell your Husband/wife that you are cheating?If you can't TRUST them then how can they rust you knowing you are cheating on your partner??
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RHP User
12 years ago
I think I ❤ you.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'paintme'Ive been the one in the bad marriage that let to him having an affair and I've been one of the unknowing ones who gets 'the' text message from the devastated girlfriend. Ive also been the one who knows the big secret. Feels like crap no matter where you stand really. Lying is bullshit. Lying by omission is bullshit. Expecting others to lie for you is bullshit. I'm an all or nothing kinda gal. If you lie to me, I'm gone. Simple really. my ex cheated on me...and it devastated me... her mother was the one who told me what was going on, and i will be eternally grateful to her for being honest enough to share her knowledge. it was hard for her, i know, she's one of those women anyone would be proud to have as a mother in law... lying is bullshit, especially when its to do with personal issues like love, respect and trust. i made the choice to tell my best mate, many years ago, about his wifes advances towards me. it was incredibly difficult to do so, but i managed. he needed to know, and i had to allow him an opportunity to understand what his wife was wanting to do, and to choose where to take their relationship. in doing so i ended our friendship, but that was a chance i had to take, as not telling him is something i couldnt live with. as far as i know, they are still together...they worked through their emotions and came to a place they could move forward from, and not away from each other.
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RHP User
12 years ago
You're likely to be damned if you do, damned if you don't I think. What Tuscan said was going to be part of my answer. Denial is a strong self defence mechanism. When you force someone to see the truth about their partner's cheating, you are forcing them to take action. They are then likely to blame you, not their mate, for uprooting their life. But then... Do I think I could keep my mouth shout? I've been lucky enough never to encounter this situation and I honestly do not know. Is it an aquaintance, friend, family member? Do I bring up the subject to find out if they would WANT to know? Can I predict with a fair amount of certainty how they would react? Do I talk to the partner and force them to come clean? Or would that make the situation worse? What if they called my bluff? Would the girlfriend that is about to give birth have been better off if she'd found out a year ago? She probably would not have had this baby. But is that a good or bad thing? Arrgh, just too many "If"s. If I do find myself in a mess like this at some point, I think I'll go with my gut and decide there and then. Would I want to be told? Yes. Well, I think so... OP, care to answer your own questions?
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100'I think I ❤ you. A bat?
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RHP User
12 years ago
But I imagine you have to deal with this stuff delicately. And if the shoe was on the other foot and telling someone of some concerns you had ended a friendship? Well then it was not a very good friendship anyway. I think you need to be pretty sure of your facts before saying anything though.It's a pretty simple topic actually and that is pretty much all that needs to be said about it.
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RHP User
12 years ago
How can you ever be absolutely certain,people lie,things may not be as they seem,people jump to the wrong conclusion and much harm is done. Lives are wrecked,families ruined but the self righteous can comfort themselves with the warm glow of doing the right thing. I would have to find the couple inflagrante delicto before I even thought about saying something that could cause potentially more pain than the act itself. According to some people here even thinking about another is cheating.The Judeo Christians are alive and well and dwelling on their moral high grounds indeed. The problem with that is, that when it rains it turns into a slippery slope.
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RHP User
12 years ago
...yes, I did feel that I could trust the women whom I had dalliances with. Further, they could trust me. I was always completely open and honest about my own situation. It was clear to everyone that these were nsa affairs that would lead nowhere. They had their own reasons for indulging, I had mine. I'm sorry to belabor the point but my marriage had been in a shambles for years. I had made efforts to salvage it and I like to believe my ex-wife tried too but we could not find a middle ground. I was in the depths of a depression and when I noticed someone flirting with me, I decided, "Why the fuck not". I had a string of five overlapping affairs over a period of six or seven months. In each case, I allowed the lady to pick me up, I didn't pursue any. Infact, there were several that I passed on (usually single ladies as I feared the temtation to allow things to develop). I had no need to lie to my wife as we never discussed what occured in our seperate lives once we walked out the door. My affairs, as is the case with most other couples, was not the cause of my marital problems, it was a symptom.
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