M39

What Is Equal?

September 05 2013

1. This article is not gender neutral 2. It is misandrist as a consequence 3. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. 4. Men, how do you feel, being vilified in this less than neutral way? 5. Ladies, how would you feel if you were the subject of the article? Discuss. When it comes to dating, we all know what a struggle it is to find that perfect partner. The truth is dating a divorced man is not a picnic. It may feel right and your emotions may all be in the right places but in the long run you will be disappointed, hurt and in some extreme cases, you will suffer from severe depression. Countless studies by many researchers, relationship experts and other professionals have concluded that if you date a divorced man, you have less than 1% of maintaining a long term solid relationship. That means 99% of people who date divorced men, never make it to the finish line and here’s why. The Kids - The majority of divorced men are fathers. That means, no matter how pretty, smart, intelligent and perfect you are, his children will always be first in his life, especially if they are under 18 years old. You will constantly battle to be the pride and centre of his universe. When you are in the infant stages of dating, this may not seem like a big deal to you, but gradually this will become more and more apparent to you. When you first started dating, he was available at your fingertips, even on Monday morning for a date. But as you go down the line, suddenly Tiffany needs a new pair of shoes, so he has to go shopping with her, Johnny needs a ride to soccer practice, Jane got sick so have to take her to hospital etc. You will eventually have to struggle to even have a phone conversation with him. Worse off, if you don’t get along with the kids, you will feel neglected, unloved, you will begin to slowly resent him for always putting his children first. Even if you do get along with the kids, the kids will always circle your relationship. That romantic getaway you planned, you will find yourself bringing the kids along. Suddenly the only time you spend together is when the kids are around. When they are not around, he’s either busy with his work or something else takes precedence over you. Depending on the strength of your character, most women never survive the “kids always there” syndrome, especially if you have no children if your own. If you do have kids, chances are you’re doing the same too and your children are also more important to you than him. The Ex – This is the main factor that will most likely break your relationship. Most divorced men are never truly rid of the ex wives. Remember, she shared her life with him. They most likely have joints assets and even after the divorce, they are still connected in some sort of realm. They share custody of children and so chances are they communicate regularly, whether the divorce ended bitterly or smoothly. At first this may seem okay to you but gradually you will get frustrated with their constant communication, even after he tells you they are only discussing the children. You will become paranoid and every time she texts, emails or calls, your veins will pop out of your brain. There will be occasions where he and the ex have to attend together such as birthdays for the kids, communions (if they are catholic), children's events like soccer game, competitions, weddings and to some extent family holidays. She may not be sharing a bed with him, but she still shares his life which means no matter how much you want it to just be two of you, it will always be three of you, regardless of whether she is in good or bad terms with him. The Friends – It is very likely that while your divorced man was married, he and his then wife had mutual friends. After their divorce, those mutual friends tend to choose one of the divorcees, which is most likely the wife. So when your divorced partner introduces you to them, they will not welcome you in their circle. They will smile and say hello to you but that’s it. To them, you are a spare wheel, a distraction, an amusement toy for their friend. They will not friend you on Facebook, or even bother to get to know you. Every time your man tries to invite them for a coffee, the will find every excuse in the book not to come and if they do come, you will feel their coldness towards you. The Other Woman – That is your name when you date a divorced man. Even if you met him well over after he divorced, in the eyes of everyone around you, you are the other woman. His kids will see you as proof that their parents will never reconcile. You will eventually always feel like an intruder in his family. His friends will find it hard to associate you as his new partner. They will always call you “that girl he’s dating” Your friends will associate you with “that divorced man she’s dating.” You constantly have to prove that you’re not just another woman. You’re his woman and are here to stay. Sadly most people will label an expiry date for your relationship and sad to say they’re usually right. Forget “I do” – If you are the kind of gal that someday wants to get married, then dating a divorced man will ruin your chances of achieving that. Unless he is a marriage-a-holic, most divorced men will never attempt to say “I do” ever again. This is because when they were married to their wife, they thought the world was their oyster. When it ended, the devastating impact is so permanent that the belief of marriage flies out the window. Marriage is a joke to them and for them to attempt that again is like suicide. Unless you pressure him into saying “I do,” he will never propose to you willingly. Your level of relationship will end at just “girlfriend or partner.” Meet the Family – If you are fortunate enough to meet his family or he meets your family, then there is some hope to this relationship, but studies have shown that people in relationships with divorced men hardly ever meet his family, neither does he meet your family. This is mainly because both of you are terrified of the family reaction. In your case as the one dating the man, chances are your parents will not be very thrilled that their potential son-in-law already has kids and has done the marriage thing. Most parents want a single in law with no baggage so they can be the original grandparents. As for his parents, they will not be thrilled either that they have to share their grand parenthood with other people. It is also very rare that your families will get together, unless you’re both from the same neighborhood and both families are familiar with both of you. The Race factor – Dating someone who is a different race to you is always a challenge. It’s a bigger challenge if he is divorced. Though love may be the binding factor for the both you, other factors will forever separate you. For instance, you’re likely to have different taste in food, different tastes in hobbies, different perspective of life. The people around you will most likely be uncomfortable around the both of you. Your family members will not make an effort to be around you. One of you will always be the underdog. There’s also a greater chance that you won’t bond with his children. When you go out, the look in people’s faces when they see both of you will be intimidating. Some couples may put on a brave face and say “I don’t care what people think” but deep down you do. When you go to a restaurant, waiters treat you differently. When you go to the movies, the attendants treat you differently. That race barrier will always hang over people’s heads. It may not initially affect you, but in the long run it always does. 1. I am male. I am therefore expendable 2. My needs do not matter. I am simply a carrier of the Y-Virus. 3. I am therefore a casualty of gender war. I am used to the ridicule. 4. Isn’t Equal a form of artificial sweetener?

Comments

RHP User

11 years ago

Not sure where you found this article - but it rates as one of the biggest loads of rubbish I have read in a long time. It's not the 50's - divorce is a part of our lives as is residing in a multicultural country. My personal view is that a man that is divorced has previously shown he can commit to a relationship and if he loves his kids then he is the type of man you want to be with. Looks to me the article was written by someone young, bitter and twisted because she was dumped and is blaming it on the gentleman's divorce when she should be looking in the mirror.- Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

11 years ago

Well I saw the post and thought am I going to read this? Good read actually and a lot of it well most is true. So what do you do? Suck it up...it is what it is............Live life how you want cross those paths and obstacles when they arise dont pre-emp disaster. Yes dating after marraige whether your over 40 or not is complicated. Most of all smile be happy.

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erotictouch4u

11 years ago

Quoting 'nick_wilde'The Kids - ...That means, no matter how pretty, smart, intelligent and perfect you are, his children will always be first in his life, especially if they are under 18 years old. You will constantly battle to be the pride and centre of his universe. When you are in the infant stages of dating, this may not seem like a big deal to you, but gradually this will become more and more apparent to you. When you first started dating, he was available at your fingertips, even on Monday morning for a date. But as you go down the line, suddenly Tiffany needs a new pair of shoes, so he has to go shopping with her, Johnny needs a ride to soccer practice, Jane got sick so have to take her to hospital etc. You will eventually have to struggle to even have a phone conversation with him... you will feel neglected, unloved, you will begin to slowly resent him for always putting his children first. Even if you do get along with the kids, the kids will always circle your relationship. That romantic getaway you planned, you will find yourself bringing the kids along. Suddenly the only time you spend together is when the kids are around. When they are not around, he’s either busy with his work or something else takes precedence over you. Depending on the strength of your character, most women never survive the “kids always there” syndrome... Nick, always love your reads. This happens even in the first marriage with some women...mine especially. She was happy when we were both on our own and everything was all about her, but now with the son she constantly complains about "not having her life" and that she cannot "do what she wants, when she wants" because we always have to organise something with our son. She wanted kids and was happy for the first year or so but then the shine wore off as reality bit. Being a parent in any way is just not for some people and it is difficult to know until it happens. FFS she did childcare for a few years and loved it, always wanting to be around children, but it seems only if she could give them back and not have to do it 24/7/365/18. ET xox

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RHP User

11 years ago

you just may get it.'Equality' is supposed to mean equal opportunity and of equal relevance or importance ... sadly is seems to be used more along the lines of 'identical' which is not something we should wish for. While many of the points you make may indeed be statistically true it is not something being imposed on you by others but rather a reflection of our (men) collective behaviour over time, continually reinforcing itself.Having clearly identified and articulated the potential traps and hurdles you face you are empowered and equipped to not make the very mistakes you have described and therefore can ensure your place in the 1%This is the long version of 'suck it up' or 'man up' .... there is nothing anyone else but you can do about it.

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RHP User

11 years ago

you reverse the genders then I hope that much of what is said here would apply.If you choose to have children then absolutely they should come first.It is extremely difficult being a single parent and juggling a parenting,work life,almost impossible to have a social life.Serial monogamy in my opinion rarely works,nor do blended families...tricky for all involved.I doubt Nick that dating a woman with children would be something you would contemplate.

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chevtrek

11 years ago

Quoting 'Freya77'you reverse the genders then I hope that much of what is said here would apply. If you choose to have children then absolutely they should come first. It is extremely difficult being a single parent and juggling a parenting,work life,almost impossible to have a social life. Serial monogamy in my opinion rarely works,nor do blended families...tricky for all involved. I doubt Nick that dating a woman with children would be something you would contemplate.

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Mischeviouslad

11 years ago

Nope.... Single parents simply don't have the time to endure his monologues lol ;-) DG

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RHP User

11 years ago

OMFG!!! This Article has really touched me in more ways than one.I nearly did not post on this Forum cause it triggered something in me.I read it and thought......HOLY FUCKING CRAP!!!!!! I was the subject (woman) of this article.I had a relationship with a man and the above was "word for word", every single bit!!!!It's true!! "It may not initially affect you, but in the long run it always does" - how correct are those words.Blended Families are messy unless there is a "UNITED FRONT" it will never EVER work.FOXY

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RHP User

11 years ago

Well i do agreed with most of it but not entirely especially the last part (Race) ...the very reason i dont date Divorced men as stated above , but i did go out with them and quicky decided Divorced men/or men with children are not for me totally , call me selfish or whateva but i am realistic , i like to have peace in my life and i dont want to be part of other people's war or get caught in it ...so yes single men only with no Baggage prefered , as for the last part the race part i dont quiet agree with that coz i have few friends who were divorced with children and coming from diffrent back ground and somehow they are all did well as a family unit and nothing suggest otherwise or as stated above and actually i can speak through my own experienced both parents father Dutch-Indo and mother Chinese-Indo , i was born from their second marriage to each other both were married before to previous partners , father was divorced with kids and my mother also has kids but lost her husband to an accident, and when they get together both family embraced each other and gel so well , i wouldnt even dare call my sisters or brothers as step brother or step sister when introduced or talk about them they are always just my dear bothers and sister , they will kill me if i ever use the word Step when talking about them..yes we are unique as a family one side European and one side The Oriental and i am in the middle we just Blended perfectly as one big family .

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RHP User

11 years ago

If ALL relationships were perfect and dating a single Parent were too??Relationships are never perfect..To me it all starts with OPEN and HONEST communication.FOXY

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RHP User

11 years ago

I have never been in a relationship since my husband past. I stayed single now for 14 years....and I am mostlikly single to the day I die, most men around my age are just out of a long long married life and feel the breath of freedom for the first time.Even in this age group I am in and you have no little children anymore, you have to deal with all these stuff in a big way or a little one. The thought of guilt right or wrong is often so big, and to stand up and live your own life again in a way you want it is a hard way for most males. What I find so terrible bad is even the adult children will not see and can not see how the father has a " right" to sexual and personal happiness, even when the children have been divorced too. Accepting your old father is still a sexual men is very hard for most Children to accept, so I call them children, because we are all children of our parents, doesn't matter how old we are.In a new relationship Can I live in my own world in my bubble? I think for a while yes, then you have to deal with the extended family, and his old believes and yours for sure,......and it doesn't matter how old the "children" are you are always in a way the enemy, and thats a very very hard place to be.It sucks isn't it, we are all so unforgiving when it comes to our Fathers and Mothers and new partners, and your childrens acceptance is the most you want, with your friends disapproval you can live even with the parents one but not the disapproval from your children. This disapproval is a knife in your heart.So, should any one give up now on even believing in a new relationship....hell NO, there is always the exception to the norm. And for me, until this male walks my path, I just be single.

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RHP User

11 years ago

Nick you have pretty much nailed it in a general sense....A few observations though.Kids; your scenario would be truer turned around, I think guys are less tolerant of kids needs than women, indeed I have found women respect my role as a father, indeed if I put them before the kids they would question my priorities....as it should be.Exes and family really only come into it when going in for the long haul, for most here doing the fb or fwb thing, they are irrelevant and come under "don't wanna know"Race; agree, just check out the "Add to Basket " forum.However I don't think it is a valid reason not too, I love rubbing peoples noses in change so to any considering it "go for it". It is just a symptom of a society with some maturing too do.Your final points;1. Agree. But I rather like the autonomy.2. Agree, but they matter to me.3. Agree, but it makes me stronger.4. Artificial sweetener ? More like L.S.D.

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RHP User

11 years ago

The above Article in my eyes is NOT an Equal relationship.To me that's an unhealthy relationship.FOXY

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RHP User

11 years ago

Am the carrier of the Y-Virus and in the 1% grouping.... I am feeling damn lucky given the bleak outlook you have presented Nick. Wonder what help there is out there for those less fortunate... equality is what you make of it... be a victim or fight yes?

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RHP User

11 years ago

A lot of men seem to have a hard time understanding equality. Chin up little soldier.

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RHP User

11 years ago

Quoting 'kristakarunden' Well i do agreed with most of it but not entirely especially the last part (Race) ...the very reason i dont date Divorced men as stated above , but i did go out with them and quicky decided Divorced men/or men with children are not for me totally , call me selfish or whateva but i am realistic , i like to have peace in my life and i dont want to be part of other people's war or get caught in it ...so yes single men only with no Baggage prefered , as for the last part the race part i dont quiet agree with that coz i have few friends who were divorced with children and coming from diffrent back ground and somehow they are all did well as a family unit and nothing suggest otherwise or as stated above and actually i can speak through my own experienced both parents father Dutch-Indo and mother Chinese-Indo , i was born from their second marriage to each other both were married before to previous partners , father was divorced with kids and my mother also has kids but lost her husband to an accident, and when they get together both family embraced each other and gel so well , i wouldnt even dare call my sisters or brothers as step brother or step sister when introduced or talk about them they are always just my dear bothers and sister , they will kill me if i ever use the word Step when talking about them..yes we are unique as a family one side European and one side The Oriental and i am in the middle we just Blended perfectly as one big family . I mean if either your mother or father closed the same door you state you have, they would not have enjoyed the rich family life you describe and you would have half as many siblings that you seem very happy with and proud to call brothers and sisters .. actually you wouldn't even exist but I'm sure you get my point ?

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ruby_blossum

11 years ago

as most of it rings true,if it was about a woman instead of a man, again most of would ring true as well.

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RHP User

11 years ago

... imagine if it was It might start with something like ... Him: "wanna fuk? I'll be in Cowra on Tuesday"Me: "Um .... no but thanks for your offer"Him: "What's the problem?"Me: "Well, besides your attitude, I have family responsibilities."Him: "I'll pay for a babysitter" .... *rolls eyes and berates herself for replying to that kind of message*

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RHP User

11 years ago

You call your kid Tiffany, you're on your own.

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RHP User

11 years ago

I am divorced, have custody of the children, lovely new fiancée and two additional children together. My ex left, that was her choice I do not speak to her have moved towns to avoid any contact and ensured all property etc was settled quickly. Occasionally the kids visit their mother but she is often too busy for them and they are lucky to have my partner who treats then as her own. As with any situation knowing and avoiding pitfalls ensures a greater chance of success. Does this mean then that guys who want a commitment should steer clear of single 40 year olds and then the only choice is those divorced? Maybe never take any chances or risk in ur life and be safe? Not much of a life though!- Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

11 years ago

lamps,some are very beautiful 'tis true...breakfast there ?...I have never done that...I like Audrey..Audrey is a lovely name....call all of your daughters Audrey..an aspirational name is Audrey

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RHP User

11 years ago

Does this hypothetical "man" (personally) want love and or companionship? or is he (personally) happy to be and die (eventually) alone? life is about balance Nick, we as humans (and YES, women ARE humans as well) all have basic needs and desires, we get into (long term) relationships with those we believe can help us fulfil those basic needs and desires it's all one big exchange, hetero women need men for intimacy, sex, companionship, for many women we need men in order to fulfil our innate need to be mothers (read it carefully ladies! before you lynch me please). Hetero men need women, in order to fulfil their own similar (but in some ways different/varied) needs. the situation you've described above doesn't see most women getting their needs met (nor men in the opposite situation), for most of us, we could more easily get what we need whilst remaining single so if this man wants his needs met long term, what is the solution? two things: compromise! and humility he needs to be realistic about the potential partners (women) available to him, a 26 year old single supermodel will have "options" (IE, lots of men who DON'T bring with them the problems she would face with this guy), she doesn't NEED to sacrifice her own needs. However! a woman who most would think to be less "attractive" and who has a situation similar to his own, shares the same "options" as he does and is likely more willing to compromise and sacrifice on some of her own needs in order to fulfil a few more. IE realise that regardless of how physically attractive s/he might be how good in bed s/he may be, s/he isn't such a great "catch" in most wo/men's eyes, and adjust HER/HIS standards to suit, and then be prepared to recognise wo/men for their INTERNAL beauty when seeking a partner/relationship Learn from the obvious (how did s/he get in this situation to begin with?) mistakes of her/his younger years, STOP thinking with her/his genitals (which made her/him marry and have kids with the wrong wo/man to begin with) and start thinking and making decisions with her/his BRAIN. it's called life experience! MATURITY! YEP it'll be hard, but no-one said life had to be fair or easy Disclaimer: this is NOT bashing men only, women make exactly the same mistakes when young and horny.

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RHP User

11 years ago

Try exposing equal to sum one blinded by there own rules n narrow mined dubbe standdeds the be leave equal is one doing as the please deceiving hideing mn luring whist they tell u. U are not allowed to do any such. Things but make accuations at u for not doing wat they r accusing u of buylt simply only to discover they them self r the ones wwho are playing out the every accusation and are denying the equality of honestly to use and them selff

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RHP User

11 years ago

People still strive to blend new lives out of the ashes of their respective pasts and all the baggage that remains. It is just "What's So" and though the new road may be hard and long, down it we go...

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RHP User

11 years ago

After I read the article my first thought was if I was that jaded and bitter and twisted that I held such a black and white view I would do myself a favour and just eat a bullet. Who wants to live totally alone, unvalued and with no hope of change.My second thought was that if women all agreed with what was said then I would do the same for the same reasons.My final thought is that I am who I am, my life is both how it is and how I choose it to be. And therein lies hope.

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inspirit

11 years ago

however If did not come first then I would not be with him and if I did not put him first then he need not be with me. I believe in any kind of relationship you partner always comes first.

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RHP User

11 years ago

In life I treat women as equals. There is no place in my life for treating a woman as anything less than equal (unless it is a bedroom power game she is wanting to explore) I very much prefer the company of intellectual equals, and find women to be better capable of interesting conversation that doesn't lapse into 'fav beer' 'sporting prowess' etc. I also find women intoxicating - simple as that. So I don't seek to spend time with blokes and although I have some tight mates, hardly ever catch up with them. Now, when it comes to multi-tasking.. er.. I'm a struggler, just as (most) women are not going to be able to lift the heavy things.. So we are not equal. Our brains, and our bodies, are wired and constructed differently. So we are not equal. Hmm.. In reality if I knew a woman, that was just like me, but with a killer smile and bodacious rack.. she would probably irritate me in truth! ha ha - difficult to please aren't I? ; ) Soo.. what I'm eventually getting to, is that it is the opposites, and some times the inequality that attracts. Ok - enough waffling, I'm off to rub my belly and pat my head. Slapped myself nearly unconscious last time, so need the practice.

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