F64
When your bestie won't bed you....
September 23 2013
Comments
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RHP User
11 years ago
So flustered... lol, I messed up the body of my writing. It should have read:'How do I cope with this. I am caught up in this delightful mans chivalry and old fashioned notions...when really, I just need him to nail me, etc'.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Respect his decision, simple.
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RHP User
11 years ago
you need to respect his wishes,his chivalry is one of the reasons you find him attractive.Ally you are still grieving,and don't forget so is he.Time is your friend now,but you need to give him lots of space and compassion...be a friend to him too.
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RHP User
11 years ago
He will, listen to what he sayshe is saying NO so respect that
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thanks Freya.. for being kind with your advice. I am still grieving and very vulnerable. He is too I know. I think we are both feeling very raw at this stage of the journey and hence, the confused emotions.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Aly, sounds to me like you think that you may have found something special again ? Are you prepared to let it go so easily? What about your own happiness ? Trying to persuade James to see the situation from a different point of view is not disrespecting him? Now I'm assuming that he is attracted to you but is resisting based on a notion of loyalty to his friend. From what I read the following statement is true"Drew was relieved by the thought of someone he respected (James) looking after you when he was gone."Have you told James that Drew was pleased with the hypothetical that he would look after you? Turn it around for him. Make him understand that the friendship that was has changed ... it can't necessarily go back can it ? You feel differently now, forward is the only way. Be indefatigable in your pursuit of that which makes you happy ... or at least try.
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RHP User
11 years ago
the shoe was on the other foot and he was trying to fuck you but you were saying no, what then ? Would you be on here telling us what a scumbag he is ?Ok, what if he caves in and you have a night of rampant sex ? What happens the next day ?Do you put vanilla boy back in his box ? How will that effect him ?Sorry for all the questions but..... you could lose a dear friend here.Agree with Freya very much here, my thoughts exacary !
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Paradisepair
11 years ago
?
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RHP User
11 years ago
I did PP but.. it made no difference. He is obviously not comfortable with pursuing the mutual attraction so.. as the other posters have stated.. I really have to respect his decision... and learn to control my desire for him.
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RHP User
11 years ago
But yeah, you do have to go with his decision ultimately it takes two to tango. Best you can do is tell him exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. Bare your soul. It carries a very definite risk that he will maintain the same position though. Not a great place to be, I empathise.
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Cheekyarses
11 years ago
Keep him as your best friend.... He is saying no to you as he respects your friendship way too much. I agree with LT - mrs cheeky
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Smilingwithfun
11 years ago
There seems to be a problem when a man says NO. Have we not been taught that NO means NO. Why is there such an issue when it is a male saying NO. It shouldn't matter what the situation. Is there 2 Rules? Just a thought?
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RHP User
11 years ago
I think you hope like hell he reads this... If he is as vanilla as you say, I guess he knows nothing of you and your sadly deceased husbands double life ? Maybe you need to let him in on the secret, tell him of your husbands thoughts... Obviously carefully, bearing in mind his innocence and his respect for you both. I was quite touched when I read your profile, I wish I could offer you something more as you move through this difficult time in your life. Glenn xo
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RHP User
11 years ago
How long it's been since you both lost him? I know different people grieve for different amounts of time. For different reasons. I suspect as you said others have noticed the vibe between you, I am guessing he feels the same but is consumed by guilt. Sounds like a good guy. Tread carefully. And even though I'm a communication advocate, you really need to pick your time. And place. I wouldn't be pouring my heart out telling him things he's not ready to hear yet. You need to gauge his grieving process with his respect for you and your lost partner. Oh my god, so much empathy for you all xxx What a difficult process.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Move to Vic 😈😈😈😈- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Keep It Simple Sweetheart, for the time being and enjoy that you have this guy in your life..As good things happen to those who wait!
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'MissKay' I suspect as you said others have noticed the vibe between you, I am guessing he feels the same but is consumed by guilt. Vibe or no vibe, OP, he gave you a clear "No", in the nicest possible way. Accept that. And to rest of you: If this was written by a widower wanting to have sex with his dead wife's best friend, after she gave a clear"No", would your answers be the same?
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RHP User
11 years ago
To really what the man is saying. He may not be saying the "exact right words". Men are simple creatures..Snow means snow...not anything else! Really really listen and respect what he is saying. This is about the both of you. You may need to compromise in this sensitive situation. If he is saying he does not want to bed you...it means just that. It may hurt, but ya gotta listen and communicate. Getting nailed is not the bees knees in a relationship. I am sorry to hear of your loss OP. FOXY - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
And others, who haven't read op's profile, grab a Kleenex and read... Hp
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RHP User
11 years ago
Sorry to hear of your loss...Old fashioned or not, mateship among blokes is exactly that, there are just some things a man will not do out of respect to that mateship...xknots
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thank you Glenn.. and thank you to the other posters too. Everyone has very valid points. I have to accept his feelings on the matter. I know for myself, it's a time of confusion and sadness and I am not thinking clearly, but acting on purely high emotion. They say you shouldn't make any major decisions for up to 12 months after losing someone and for me, it is extremely early days (not even two months). What stands out is that a) he is a decent man; b) that my emotions are displaced at the moment and maybe I am shifting them from Drew to him in order to find some solace; and c) none of the other two matter an iota.. it's not my decision to make. I am focusing on other areas of my life and just getting on with it. It's what you have to do.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Not sure what your point is. Everyone has said you have to respect his decision to say No. If the situation was reverse all those people would say the same. I don't think there have been any double standards here. I agree with MissKay that this could be the case but Courtesan you may never know because you have to respect his wishes to go no futher at the moment. if something does happen between you now, and assuming you have read the situation correctly between you, he will be consumed by guilt and it will doom any possibility of a future. It sucks I know!! Good luck with everything. xx
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RHP User
11 years ago
My answer would be the same if the genders were reversed. To be honest gender didn't actually occur to me when I replied. I am absolutely an advocate of no means no. Absolutely. But in this situation and many others, I see nothing wrong with communicating what you feel, why and what you would like to happen. The answer still may be a no, but at least then the no is less likely to be based on any misapprehensions. Just as an example and purely as an example..he may feel he would be taking advantage of the OP when she is vulnerable and believe he is doing the right thing and protecting her by saying no. If you can express your thoughts and feelings honestly and openly and the answer is still a no then that would be unlikely to change I would have to respectfully suggest that at that point you shouldn't pursue it.The possibility of a relationship like the one you seem to wish for with this man is always worth exploring. My thoughts are at it would be a shame if he said no without knowing everything about how you feel, but at the end of the day he may still say no Aly.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Respect is the biggest key to any friendship and as soon as u do each other the friendship takes a complete turn in many cases for the worst in some for the better !! Respect his wishes n we assume deep down being a best mate to your past hubby he may well be thinking of the friendship with your hubby ??? And if he did u he wld be doing the dirty on ur hubby ?? Just a thought
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RHP User
11 years ago
I've always had this thing that I never, never hit on a friends wife or girlfriend. If any of my friends passed away , I dont think I would feel right bedding his wife. I dont think my conscience would allow me. Obviously he thought enough of your husband to abstain and keep the memory as it is and that doing anything else is a large hurdle.. Im feel certain he would love to , but in some cases being true to both you and your husband and himself is more desirable than the possibility of losing another friend..If you ever do get together, I'd like to think both you and he are at peace with your decision..Good luck.... Jay
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RHP User
11 years ago
fck I LOVE potential... There is a slight problem with it though... "ALL the Potential added with $4.50... will still ONLY get you a cup of coffee at an airport"
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RHP User
11 years ago
I have a lady friend who .. years ago, we made a act to each other that our friendship is most important.. she knows the stories about me, and my history. We do click well..and spend a lot of time together.. we probably do make over suggestive talk with each other.. and she has let me know she would Consider changing our "Pact" ... BUT.. I will not... as much as I think we would BOTH enjoy each other. Guts of it is.. "We both had our original reasons, and I still have my current ones" It is not even your business why he says "NO" He just says "No" IF you keep bugging him, he may just LEAVE... I would! You have his friendship.. go get your Carnal "HIT" elsewhere... and enjoy your Friend.
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Mischeviouslad
11 years ago
Imagine....... if a guy posted this. Would the responses be as "courteous"..... This......" I have to deal with him on so many other levels" .... Tells me...... don't go there...... he is not a genuine option unless HE gets proactive and grabs you, pins you to the wall, and kisses you like you need it. But he isn't going to. So close the thoughts, on him (as women are so adrpt at doing) and look elsewhere DG- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
In the real world lots of people end up in relationships with friends after a partner passes away. Not having experienced this personally, I can't say if this is for companionship, or love or lust, it is however very common. Time plays a part as does timing... I suspect that this is part of the issue for James... Timing. There will be people who will judge, but ultimately they don't matter. Think about it... We are attracted to our close friends, do you have any close friends who you can't stand ? People who's thoughts and ideas you find repugnant ? People who have no intellectual or physical attraction to you ? I didn't think so. Usually we will put up a barrier of some sort and it will remain a plutonic relationship, as it sounds like the case here. However with Drews passing the goalposts have changed for everyone... Which takes us back to time and timing... Ultimately James has to decide what he wants, and although he has, time may allow him to revisit that decision... Then it's back to timing... Hp xo
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ruby_blossum
11 years ago
you are still in a time of confusion and sadness....not the right time to make any major decisions or choices."James" may also be feeling a lot of grief as well with the passing of his mate.The death of a loved one is such a shitty time, its when you really want someones arms around you to reaffirm you arestill alive.Its probably best for now, just to look after yourself emotionally and maybe look for that grief solace with someone whodidnt know your husband as well. ?all the best with it everything. x
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'ruby_blossum'you are still in a time of confusion and sadness....not the right time to make any major decisions or choices."James" may also be feeling a lot of grief as well with the passing of his mate.The death of a loved one is such a shitty time, its when you really want someones arms around you to reaffirm you arestill alive.Its probably best for now, just to look after yourself emotionally and maybe look for that grief solace with someone whodidnt know your husband as well. ?all the best with it everything. x So well said and echoes my thoughts beautifully. . All the best as you adjust Aly, xox
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