Your relationships to "extra's"

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  DynamicCouple36

  8 years ago

  You wrote the following : I'm interested in hearing how you feel (ie actual emotions) towards additional singles (men or women) inolved in your relationship/marriage. Not sure if you meant it this way , but we would never allow anyone (in the swinging scene ) to become involved in our marriage. Our marriage is sancrosanct. We tend to keep our personal lives private. We have become good friends with a few people we have met in here though - Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  I should have said "involved in your lives". Of course the couple's relationship is sound and separate. What I mean is, how much do you care about such good (intimate) friends you have made. Do they have a lasting effect and/or change, or are they just fulfilling a purpose for a particular time, afterwards you go back to the way you were with little afterthought? Anecdotally, swinging/non-exclusivity (to whatever extent) often strengthens an already strong relationship. So in that case, a special additional person has actually had a direct effect on your core relationship, no? - Posted from rhpmobile

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  DynamicCouple36

  8 years ago

  The real life friends , that we have made through RHP, have become very good and close friends. We don't make friends easily and it took a good year of messages back and forth, before we gave in and met them for drinks. We are do glad that we did as they really are special. We see them often on weekends, we visit them with our kids and they visit us. Whilst we don't play that often , we still keep our marriage & intimate personal lives separate. No, an extra person does not have a direct effect on our core relationship ( our 20 years together , our love for one another , our marriage , our personal life together ) . We don't and will never let anyone else (from here or from vanilla lives ) ever have any direct effect on our core relationship. We value our relationship too much to allow any outside influences impact on it. Our friends from here have had a positive, lasting effect in our lives. Perhaps because we got to know them well, via RHP, before meeting, and also because our friendship was not based only on playing . In fact playing has been secondary to everything else. Hope this all makes sense. It's hard to verbalise and get across on here via a bloody iPhone. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  I am glad that you have been able to make sure that your core relationship fundamentals are able to remain strong (if not the same - you use the word dynamic) throughout your journey of life. While I'm sure this is possible, in reality, things that happen that are technically outside of the relationship (children, your living environment, finances, family & friendships etc) can often have an effect. While a relationship is a thing, a relationship is between two individuals, and as individuals we are moulded and influenced by everything that happens around us. Even our personalities are in part a product of the world around us and the people that raised us and/or grew up with. Our thoughts and the way we relate and communicate are built on the things we see and learn about, and from other people. Perhaps after the first period of our lives (childhood, adolescence and young adulthood), we have built enough grounding to take posession of what we feel to be "ourselves", and be in a better position to let little affect our position/opinions and any relationships into the future. (This has gone a little off topic, but it is my topic after all) :P Perhaps this is why people in this scene tend to be older. They have the life experience to be able to take on new experiences and partners/playmates etc, and be able to manage what effect if any, those new relationships have on the other parts of their lives. Some couples have a well implemented plan on how to approach new people and experiences, others are able to go with the flow, others are just doing things that feel right for the present - while they have to be mindful of the future, they can only actually live in the present. Other forum topics such as "new to the lifestyle" etc inspired my questions. Thus far, I have only been the "addition" to people's (couples') lives, I am yet to have such an ongoing relationship and experience things from a couple's point of view. Until that happens, I can only learn the most I can from others, and hope I have enough knowledge to ensure things work in practice. (And that would include any continued involvement in this scene if we both wished).

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  So nearly 18 months ago we started the process of opening our marriage. We discussed the whole spectrum of relationship types, what we thought each type would bring to our lives and the concerns we had regarding developing feelings. My love for my husband is it's own. If I develop feelings/love for another person then those feelings/love are unique, I don't compare them to each other. I will just love them as they are. With each connection I make my life is enriched and I have the opportunity in turn to enrich the lives of others close to me. I compare it to friendships. I love my friends but my love for each friend is unique. Each person brings out characteristics within me that I might not have with another. I'm different with different people - not bad, not fake, its just that each person brings out another dimension. For us having feelings for another person brings more perspective, experience and fulfilment. I am happy if my husband is happy. If someone can contribute to his life in a positive way, then that makes me thankful. If he has a relationship with someone else and develops feelings, its not because I'm inadequate or not good enough. As far as developing feelings for each other's partners I can't see that happening apart from friendship. Depending on the situation they may or may not socialise with us. With my lovers/FWB etc I would socialise with them and their lovers or special partners. That person brings something positive to their lives and I can only be happy for them. With our marriage, I would respect and value anyone my husband has in his life that brings him joy, gives him positive experiences and enriches his life. Whether I ever meet them, become friends with them or more is open for now because we haven't crossed that bridge. As long as we give each other the time, affection and respect we need - our relationship will still be ours whether we have others in our lives or not. This is just a personal comment - no judgment on how anyone decides their relationship should work

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  Sawadee

  8 years ago

  What Betty said. I think your recipe is incredible . An open and honest account on what it really takes to make it work the way it should. Thumbs up 👍 Jay..

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  For your thoughtful and insightful replies. On a side note, the ABC currently has a series called "You Can't Ask That", where minoroty or perhaps misunderstood groups get to answer anonymous questions. Although not swinging, one of the shows was on the Polyamorous. (There is also a segment on sex workers, and on Trans-people, among others). Worth watching to get points of view you might not have thought about (even if you don't agree 100% with all they have to say). Which is the point of these forums in part.

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  Ok, picture this... Marriage = primary core relationship. Fwb/polyamory/FB/whatever = secondary and tertiary relationships..... I understand the primary relationship will always come first, and it's considered the most important.... But.... What if.....you enter a polyamory type arrangement, and that may last 5 or so years....then say the husband or the wife, decides, nup....I can't do it anymore....I don't want this anymore.... The poor person that's secondary deals with all the heartbreak while the marriage is still blossoming..... Wtf would knowingly sign up for that potential??? I'm not suggesting that there's anything a miss in any of the relationships.....but people change... The secondary and tertiary relationship though seems to be doomed to fail right from the start, yet, it's encouraged to allow a single person to emotionally invest in a relationship that's really never going to make it...... - Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  Stirry, I completely understand what you're saying but let me give you a different perspective ... As you know, I'm in a trully open relationship, my husband meets my lovers or special friends and we socialise together :) He also knows that I have the capacity to love others and is completely comfortable with that too. For example, I do love the other Hotwife and her hubby, now those feeling originally took me by surprise, but hey they're there and I tell them often ;) I wouldn't miss all that comes with developing feelings or love for another person other than hubby! Im going to explore it all with arms wide open knowing full well it might/will end ...does anyone have guarantees in relationships regardless of the labels we give them? Usher sings it best for me ATM: Would you mind if I still loved you? Would you mind if things don't last? Would you mind if I hold onto You so that I won't crash? Up all night, can't let go Won't stop trying, need you to know It's worth the fight ... OP to answer your question, we have introduced RHP friends to our children and our wider social circle. We have developed such amazing friendships from here that I want these people to know the whole me, not just the RHP me! That being said, they have been couples to date, it's just how it's been! Would I introduce a single to my family and wider circle - yes I would! My husband has socialised with my FWB/special others before at birthday parties, lunch etc. I don't expect him to have things in common with them but it does help :) I'd be happy for my hubby to have a girlfriend or special other, would we socialise, possibly! Like other friendships she and I would have to have shared interests beyond my husband! I don't think this lifestyle has a 'rule book' per se, we're 'feeling' our way through! My only stipulation is the one I have of myself, that I'm the best me possible with everyone I meet! If I'm very intimate with you, then you get all of me (good, bad etc.) because that's what relationships are like :) Mary xx

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  Sawadee

  8 years ago

  It's only natural to question the acceptance of " the other person " in a relationship. Generations of ingrained teachings will alway question the ways of those who found a way to include another love apart from the one they married. Are we meant to love only one person in a whole lifetime.? I don't believe we can or should. Life throws up too many variations and suppressing those feelings can't be good for you. Put a ring on her finger and that's it ? Throw the key away and put on some blinkers . To me , that's a suppressing our natural urges. I'm not anti marriage BTW , I believe there will always be someone who stands tall above all others. But the sooner we accept friends can be more than just that. The sooner we can relax.

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  MsJonesy

  8 years ago

  The labels of primary, secondary etc don't always get used in polyamory. That's only one way that it can occur. Within some polyamorous relationship there is no hierarchical set up, everyone is equal. But to anwer your question as to why a single person would sign up for the deal.....I would prefer to have loved and to be loved, than to not have loved at all. Whether it lasts 5 years, 10 years, forever..... is not the point to me. Having the opportunity to have a significant relationship with other/s is the point; to be open to the emotions, passions and yes, possible heartaches. Thats life, letting yourself explore, letting the world in. Very little in life has the hash tag "permanence". (And no doubt that mention of the l.o.v.e word will cause chaos and mayhem.)

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  Can just get in the way,as has been discussed here many times. Love means different things to different people and is mutable. There are endless permutations of relationships. Why sign up for any relationship because in its beginning is also its end.It's just a matter of time . I have never been in a reciprocated romantic relationship ,and really that in itself has been a freedom. Do I regret that? ..sometimes but not very often. I have no desire to be subsumed by another so unlike Mary I tend to be a solitary being often conversely surrounded by others.But I am currently experiencing a relationship with someone who has caught me off guard,it's neither sexually or romantic but more than a friendship.Q

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  A great big nope here we find the concept of feelings wanting another a little akin to cheating as our hearts are each other's alone which is why we never socialise with out bang peeps - Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  We decided to embark on the Hotwife lifestyle be chance 12 years ago when I had an emergency at work and said to Mrs girlguyhavingfun you go we know he is a nice guy , she went, she had fun and I enjoyed the details when I got home and we are still good friends ( with benefits ) We also have had a guy girlguyhavingfun caught up with and have a lot of fun with for 8 years get possessive and admit he had developed feelings and couldn't bear to share her with others ( would tolerate me)and he told her she was to no longer play with anyone but him so naturally she ended that friendship One guy that we believe Tried to undermine our relationship developed feelings and then tried to push Mrs girlguyhavingfun to having sleepovers ( she did once) and then tried to enforce negative things about me and kept saying things to her like she should be able to be free ect , thank god she recognised what he was trying to do as he always had an excuse not to meet me if we were going for coffee after ect . Naturally that fwb is no longer around In the whole balance of the lifestyle has been very positive but there is a big need for communication , trust and not being afraid to ask questions or trusting you gut feeling - Posted from rhpmobile

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