M46 F51
You've got to be joking !!!
July 23 2014
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very Professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. 'You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came
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RHP User
10 years ago
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!' His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'
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RHP User
10 years ago
Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb? Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !! I'm sorry. What was the question?
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RHP User
10 years ago
A man checks into a hotel while on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes. He popped into a phone box near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs... Well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call. 'Hello', the woman says. Gosh, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?' She says, 'That sounds fantastic love, but you need to press 9 for an outside line
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RHP User
10 years ago
Man said to wife "Alright you sexy thing, bedroomnow." She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard." He said, "No, seriously, the footy’s about to start, piss off!”
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RHP User
10 years ago
Daddy's car in the woods? Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and gointo the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in apassionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself ashe ran home andstarted to tell his mo the r.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I sawDaddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he wasgiving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and the n he helped her take off her shirt.ThenAunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, the n Aunt Jane...' At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such aninteresting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to seethe look on Daddy'sface when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell hisstory Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy'scar go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was givingAunt Jane a big kiss, the n he helped her take off her shirtThen Aunt JanehelpedDaddy take his pants off, the n Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the samething that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oilrigs...' Mummy fainted! Moral:Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole storybefore you interrupt!
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RHP User
10 years ago
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat! After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted.
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Aristippusx2
10 years ago
Ralf74 and tulips4u I am going back to work with a big smile and my co workers have no idea!
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RHP User
10 years ago
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you." She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?" The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
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RHP User
10 years ago
that one was hilarious!
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ArtsyLusttty
10 years ago
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted. s3d xxx
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RHP User
10 years ago
I am racking my brains and can't think of something funny to say or share :/ - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
A flasher walked up to 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench under a tree. When he got close enough he ripped open his trench coat exposing himself to them.. this caused the first old lady to have a stroke, the second old lady also had a stroke. But the third couldn't quite reach. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Circe
10 years ago
Thanks RTs, excellent topic!! I need the laugh right now. Great jokes ralf and tulips, I was chortling away. Hilarious! You guys are ace.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars. "Hang on, I have an idea," Murphy said. He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. "Are you crazy?" Seamus asked. "Now we don't have any money at all!" "Don't worry," Murphy replied. "Just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson. "Now you've lost it," Seamus said. "Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry," he said. "I have a plan." They downed their drinks. Murphy said: "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the 10th pub, Seamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" Murphy replied, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
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RHP User
10 years ago
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.",replied Johnny. "'because the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
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RHP User
10 years ago
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.The husband types in "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says "Error. Not long enough." A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole. Explain the dildo!" He replied "Explain the kids!" There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money . She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts. A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in, when a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." So the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
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RHP User
10 years ago
The seven dwarfs received an invitation for an audience with the Pope. So they pack their bags and head to Vatican City. They tour Rome and the Vatican for a couple of days prior to the audience, but all too soon, the appointed hour is upon them and they file solemnly into the Pope's private chambers to be blessed by the Pope. After the blessing, the Pope notices that the other six dwarfs are giggling and prodding Dopey. The Pope asks if everything is okay. Doc tells the Pope that Dopey has a question for the Pope but is too shy to ask. "Dopy, my child, come tell me what you wish to find out" asks the Pope. So Dopey is pushed forward and finds himself standing before the Papal Throne. Nervously wringing his hat, he looks down and mumbles "Err Mr Pope, are their any Dwarf nuns at the Vatican?". The Pope sits back on the throne and ponders the question. "No, I don't think I have seen any dwarf nuns here at the Vatican, in fact I am pretty sure there isn't any here at all" says the Pope. The other dwarfs start to chuckle amongst themselves and Doc prods poor Dopey again. Dopey looks up and says "Umm are their any dwarf nuns in Rome, maybe at one of the other churches". The Pope's interest in now peaked, so he wracks his brains, trying to remember if he has ever seen any dwarf nuns in Rome. Alas, he tells Dopey the sad news. Desperate now because the other dwarfs are nearly crying they are giggling so hard, Dopey pleads "Sir, do you know of any dwarf nuns in Italy, any at all". The Pope looks down at Dopey, his heart is full of compassion and sorrow. For here is a dwarf that want to find someone who has given their live in support of the Church. "Dopey my son, I am sure there is a dwarf nun somewhere, but I am afraid I have never seen one in all my travels in this country". Crestfallen, Dopey thanks the Pope and glares at the other dwarfs who are now holding their sides, their faces bright red from trying not to laugh out aloud. As they exit the chambers, the Pope sits back and ponders the strange fascination Dopey has with nuns of small stature. But as soon as the door is closed, he heard the reason, six little voices all started singing .. "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin ...."
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prettyinpurple45
10 years ago
thanks for the laugh guys!!!!! sorry I have nothing to contribute... yet... will get back to you when i do! lol
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