M61

any ideas advice ???

August 31 2009

I have a problem in that I have confronted my wife about my belief that she was having an affair with the husband of a couple with whom we are friends. I had plenty of circumstantial type evidence but could really prove it so basically while I couldn’t get her to admit it , she did promise to be open and honest from now on. There has been an upward lift in her general mood which was previously very argumentative and she has become more affentionate than she was. In return I agreed to try and trust so I don’t go near her emails, phone etc anymore. I do not honestly know whether she is still carrying a liason. If she is she could only do that on a week day during school hours with a person who has a demanding job so the sheer logics would be extremely difficult for both of them to actually ever meet up. I first sense because of a change in attitude by her like she just didn’t want to be there . I figure it if it had happened before I would have felt it so I am pretty sure it is the only time she has done something like this . My question if anyone has an opinion that, leaving aside cheating on me she is betraying a friend (her lovers wife) and that is something I just didn’t think she was capable of. If you do something like this does the guilt just build up inside you? My wife is aware I have copies of emails between where is asking him to call her , copies of her phone records showing she texted ( messaged ) him over 100 times in an 8 week period and she would no doubt have told him I had these . In such a case , I believe he is in it for ego reasons rather than any emotional need He has gone about it in a systematic way like having a second secret cell phone number that he calls or messages her on rather than his normal number which suggests to be he has certainly done this sort of thing before. In that case is he more likely to walk away from the entanglement because the “heat is on “ or just continue on . I would walk away because I would be too scared of me being pushed to the point where I showed what I have to his wife . But I am not him so he may not think that way

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tamworthguy46

15 years ago

Hi there Yeah it sounds a bit like she has been carring on with guy....the old best friend thing....but you havnt got any hard evidence.....so i suppose your a bit stuck there ! If things have inprooved in your relationship, you might be better off to forgive her and see how it goes, assuming you still love her ! and moove on, It may not happen again. People cheat for many reasons......so its a bit hard to pinpoint unless you go right into all the complexities of your relationship..... If your still not happy, ask her if she wants to try an open relationship,then you both get to play, and still be comitted to eachother. You have to do whats right for you.......jealousy and suspision will eat you up inside.....forgive her whatever you decide to do, only then can you moove on..... Hope that helps.....tam

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RHP User

15 years ago

Nobody can realistically predict what they will or wont do from that. We do not know the individuals concerned and people are complicated and sometimes unpredictable. Let's talk about guilt. I'm a serial philanderer. A serial philanderer does not feel any guilt. But probably feels very emotional about being caught... and "getting away with it" is by decepion is normal fare. But realise that some people actually want to get caught... there could be numerous motivations for that. Also, sometimes affairs are done just for the thrill of having one... for the risks taken. It is very risky having an affair with your best friend's husband.. don't you think? So much more risky than having an affair with an anonymous stranger. This tells me something about her. She might want more excitement. Might want to be noticed. Might want to be punished. Might have just wanted something different. Might be extraordinarily jeolous of her friend and want to split them up. The reality is that there really could be a million different motivations behind the actions of these two people. They could be motivated by different reasons. Probably are. Really the questions you are asking indicate to me that you are letting this eat away at you. As Tamworthguy says... you need to decide what you want. Cheating doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship... if you, both of you that is, don't want it to. I guess that's where I would start. Make a fresh start of it.... you dont want to know all the details of an affair... I know you want to know.. but the details will only eat away at you more.... fresh start is better. One thing you should insist on... get the other dude out of your lives. Believe me, that's just too painful to bear. You could try something sexually new to provide a new level of excitement between you... or you know... .whatever it is that you have never done before together. Look for the things that made you fall in love and get married ot begin with.. and maybe build from there. Hugs Gazza

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RHP User

15 years ago

Thanks guys .Good advice . I think I have played the victim too much to date . just working on getting my head together , quit smoking about 4 weeks ago, out runiing a few days a week , lost a few kgs in weight , bought some new clothes . She she wants to go my way she can , otherwise i will move on and out and I am subtley letting her know that

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RHP User

15 years ago

Time to put surveillance on her.and you think you can trust her. As you said she has no qualms about doing the dirty on you or her friend. Some people use this as a way to get out of their existing relationshipsFor some its a moment of madness and they hit themselves over their head for doingOthers sleep like babiesOthers justify it by saying I do it because of the terrible way that you treat meetc etc etcWe all differentIts not about why she did it or how she feels about it, how do you feel about it. Can you really live with it.

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RHP User

15 years ago

Why are you on here?? Are you trying to get back at her??

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any ideas advice ???

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