F61
fear of commitment men vs women
August 31 2017
Comments
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HotNightsGC
7 years ago
Speaking from a female perspective, I think even if we've been burned in previous relationships, we tend to put ourselves back out there to date, be in relationships or attached a bit faster than men do. Men seem to be more quietly guarded with their feelings after old relationships. Definitely the knock on effects of old relationships can make both men and women very guarded in future relationships. - Posted from rhpmobile
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
I think there is definitely a knock on effect. It can be very hard to come back from hurt to trust again. I don't think it matters if you are a man or a woman. It is only human to be cautious and put up some emotional walls to protect yourself if you have taken a hit especially if there has been lies and/or deception. Also sometimes its easier to possibly bail out because the risk of continuing on means deeper connection, which can be confronting and/or scary/ or not what the person wants at that time. I think thats sometimes (not always), why people like one off hookups. Apart from the novelty of someone new, it is easy. Fuck and move on. No emotional attachment. Little emotional risk.
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Sawadee
7 years ago
I don't have a raving mad inbox either which I don't expect to change anytime soon. I learnt a long time ago many female members here are similar . By that I mean we need more than just words . Touch ' I wouldn't be concerned about your inbox , you are still entertainment plus ' but also a box of dynamite. I think some guys might be wondering if they could keep up with you , you lil fucker you.. lol
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RHP User
7 years ago
Explain to me the other day, that since tinder guys can be fussy and don't have to be a regular fb to ladies 'like me'
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Curious1965
7 years ago
Relationships are hard work and sometimes having a friend whether fwb or other who you can be with that does not have all the tension of a long term partner due to the friction associated with not seeing eye to eye on everything is a good thing. But a long term partner does generally provide comfort of knowing there will be a companion to come home to the rub is how much compromise is required. But to keep it light make the most of your freedom to explore - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
@ HotNightsPerth - I agree I think we women tend to put ourselves out there again easier than men do, certainly I do, which takes me to @ Earthqueen - that emotional attachment can be like a drug though, it's a high that is in my opinion worth risking the heart for. But I also don't carry baggage and being cheated on isn't a factor, neither has abuse been a factor, so I don't have any heavy baggage anyway. I do empathise with people who have had more serious problems and the lasting pain that causes them through their life. Any wonder some are wary of trusting again. I however tend to jump right on back in the water, let's have another crack at this 😂😂
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RHP User
7 years ago
@ Jay - do you think I scare them off? 😊 but I'm the exact opposite sexually, I turn into a dribbling mess lol @ norush - thank you for confirming what I thought, although not impressed with his poor form, but Tinder does seem to be set up for people to find someone close to meet quickly, at least some guys have shared how it works for them, definitely seems to suit more casual meets. I'll continue to do those as well, but life is busy for me atm and I just can't be bothered sifting through the chaff to find the hay 😉 @ Curious - you see that's where I differ though. I think it's sad relationships are viewed as hard work, they don't need to be at all, if restraint and control by one partner or the other, is removed, unless we're talking roleplay 😜 I agree though that sadly, many forego that close connection due to having an expectation that it will ultimately be hard work
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RHP User
7 years ago
I was told by someone very recently, that having a partner means at the very least that you have someone who is a witness to your life (and vice versa). I think most like the idea, but depending on past experience, they know they will have to accept the good with the bad, and sometimes they have found that perhaps the bad was not worth it for the good, or they have found other ways to satisfy that good outside of commitment. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Livingandloving2
7 years ago
It may be that your inbox is quiet due to the attacks you have made in recent weeks towards quite a few forum posters? Many people read the forums but don't post , as they get a " feel" for whether they think they would get along with posters. Mrs LAL - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
I was in a very long term relationship and lost my identity and my 20's. I have indeed found myself again and regained a few years of my 20's. Three years in of being single and i would like a relationship with someone but am nowhere near sharing my home with anyone. I love my independence but the longer I am single the harder it gets to find anyone compatible ( i.e someone that's not a fuckwit or on the same wave length as me) Getting tired of empty sex - Posted from rhpmobile
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
On here, I think there's also a lot of people not looking for commitment or maybe, not making that a priority is better wording. They are just exploring their sexuality and having some fun. I guess if they happen to find a partner, thats a bonus , but many aren't actively looking for that. I don't know if that aspect is different for men and women but most state it pretty clearly in their profile.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Maybe not as light hearted as you'd hope, but explains my personal views. I met the woman of my dreams, gorgeous, playful, loving, kind, generous ... All this important qualities We moved in together, lived a very rewarding life, good income, great house, great friends. We never went without. I was an attentive partner, in and out of the bedroom, always letting her know how much she meant to me. We married on a perfect September afternoon surrounded by friends and family. We were in bliss... Things couldnt have been better... Or so I thought. One Saturday I came home early from work to an empty house. My family was gone, our stuff was gone, no note, no phone call nothing to tell me why. Over the next few months I tried to find out what was wrong, I went to councelling, tried talking to her, tried talking with her friends and family.... She had no interest in fixing anything. Depression set in, I lost my job, ended up homeless, had to give my horse away, had to sell my 4wd, fishing and camping gear, toys... On the brink of bankruptcy. It took me another solid 12 months to start finally picking up the pieces of that shattered life and rebuilding. It's now been 3 months since I've started feeling a bit better, I'm still out of work, struggling with little more than work (I'm a tradie) related assets (I'm not materialistic, but it'd be nice to have some luxuries). While more than anything I miss the intimacy and close bond with someone, I hurt, a shadow of the man I once was, suffering severe trust and abandonment issues. And on top of that, I know I have nothing to offer a woman more than what I can physically do.... It'd be wrong for me to enter a relationship like this, it'd be wrong for me to expect someone else to help pick up the pieces. Yet on the flip side we all have needs - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
There is never anything to fear in life only fear itself. Once someone can get past that commitment is easy. If you can completly accept yourself guess you are ready to love. We all have inbuilt values and I think if you are around something or someone that goes against those values would be hard to stick around. Maybe love them from Afar is best for your peace of mind. We are all individuals and personally finding balance in life gets hard especially if you are goal driven. Give and take is the only way a relationship can last. And if someone values you then even if you make mistakes I'm sure they won't run for the hills. Love is amazing and builds people up :) So yes I believe in love and commitment to an individual as emotionally I can't give my all to many only one. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Curious1965
7 years ago
Hi Vegas It wish you all the best, I am a bit taken back by it, after having my own business and nearly losing absolutely everything I appreciate the financial side - Posted from rhpmobile
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Eiliethiya
7 years ago
Decribed my life and my thoughts exactly! Married and had kids early...I lost my 20's and my sense of "self", doing everything to please and become the wife I was expected to (always failing & falling short). It's been 4.5yrs since I left a 16yr relationship. And while I get lonely and I'd like a long term fwb kind of relationship..I'm not ready to share my space and I love my freedom. - Posted from rhpmobile
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The_Antichrist
7 years ago
We all at some point THOUGHT there was more to it than there was.... Relationships, from my perspective, should be an extension of our already awesome paths, not the basis.... Which I think, especially from my experience, is the biggest cause of the hurt....we become unsure if what we see is the actual reality, or merely the reality that we WANT to see.... So when someone figures that part out, message me Hahahaha - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
This "Three years in of being single and i would like a relationship with someone but am nowhere near sharing my home with anyone. I love my independence but the longer I am single the harder it gets to find anyone compatible ( i.e someone that's not a fuckwit or on the same wave length as me) Getting tired of empty sex" I could have almost written that, our time frames and everything, I'm not quite 3 years in but will be soon and also tired of empty sex. I know exactly what you mean 😃
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RHP User
7 years ago
...and not so much a fear of commitment but rather, when are you really ready? From a personal perspective, that means getting rid of the baggage from past relationships and realizing that the past does not equal the future unless you want to let it. Too, if we know deep down inside that you want or need to sow some wild oats, take that into account as well and don't try to commit again until you are ready. LOL ... a great quote from the Dudley Moore film ''Arthur'' is when he is asked how many women he will need to date before he's even with his ex who left him and he succinctly replies ''All of them''. There's a man who is definitely not ready!
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RHP User
7 years ago
See the thing that I find difficult is that there is that assumption that people have baggage. I don't have any baggage, none zip zero, just an open heart. I think for women in particular, there is the often incorrect assumption that we've been done bad, cheated on or whatever. Not the case with me and I don't pine for my past. Having that understood is a little bit hard. Does everyone else have baggage?
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RHP User
7 years ago
This "There is never anything to fear in life only fear itself" Couldn't agree more 👍
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RHP User
7 years ago
I agree there aren't too many people on here looking for a relationship. Yes some find it by accident, go them, but not many are here specifically looking for a relationship. I do understand that, I was in that camp too up until recently. God don't tell me I'm going to have to go Eharmony lol 😀 The stupid part is that sexually, the people on here are more likely going to be the kinky fuckers I'm interested in, but to be fair, the attraction is partly because they're not pinned down, so to speak. Before anyone says it, yes I know there are people on this site who are also on vanilla sites but I like to fish in waters more densely populated with the fish I'm trying to catch lol Off to cast a line now 😯
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RHP User
7 years ago
Thanks for all your comments 👍
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RHP User
7 years ago
I think what everyone playing either side of the commitment fence is afraid of is the truth.Wether it be their own or their perceptions of other peoples, anyone who has dated here has come across the people who say one thing but want another. The first thing you have to do is be honest with yourself, only then can you be honest with other people, if your open to a relationship tell people you are happy for it to go that way, if your not then don't bullshit, there are plenty of people in your boat, it's not something you have to hide.
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
Funny story I joined one for a couple of months a while ago and the VERY first guy I get "perfect matched" with was a guy I was messaging on here, it was slightly awkward due to our history. Had a giggle over that. What are the chances? Men on regular dating sites and their messages. Here's one memorable one. Not from the guy I mentioned above. 1st Message in chat - Hi blah blah blah 2nd Message in chat - Do you have pics 3rd Message in chat - I would LOVE to lick your pink flaps. Sigh.....those 'special' times. Seriously. Delete. Ha Ha. With diamonds like that, you never know, you might find your kinky fucker on a dating site after all.
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LetsFrolic
7 years ago
Where she plays regularly and it just becomes a relationship over time - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' See the thing that I find difficult is that there is that assumption that people have baggage. I don't have any baggage, none zip zero, just an open heart. ...very little difference in what we are saying but rather in the way that we are saying it. Good for you, too, as in that being baggage free that you aren't going to trip over your past at the exact wrong time. Others will sometimes carry enough ''luggage'' around for years and not even realize they've enough to fill the cargo hold of a 747. One of the most common of these is making a comparison (negative or positive) to a former partner whether spoken or verbalized in the subconscious then thrashing oneself with thoughts such as ''I'll be damned if I'm ever going to let that happen again''. Your new partner has just been convicted of a crime they may not nor ever will have committed and certainly without a proper trail...they've been dealt the ''Go directly to jail'' card. Could be too that they're being credited for a positive character trait that they actually don't own...a carry-forward effect that can be equally disappointing. Baggage is a part of the grieving process and again whether that takes only a day or two as opposed to a year or two to unload is very individual and certainly subject to all of the individual circumstances. LOL...in a more (or less) ideal world, we'd all be able to simply do a little happy dance and yell out ''Next''. Best....CM who will offer you a ticket on Air Midnight at a substantial discount as you are flying baggage free!
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RHP User
7 years ago
I guess that's what I want too, to start off the same way, but like you, open to more. There are likely more people looking for the same, that don't reveal it, so nice comment from you. I do think being honest about what we want is very appealing. It also helps weed out those that aren't on the same page. Life is too short for bullshit I think 😉
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RHP User
7 years ago
Earthqueen - haha well at least he's horny, that's a good start 😂😂 Midnight - yes, yes and yes. Had a chuckle at the cargo hold of the 747. Aint that the truth? I've been completely shocked at how laden some are with baggage and how scary they can be when it surfaces. One man just went apeshit when I offered support and friendship, his reply message was shocking. He was a very troubled individual. Another I was about to meet, that same day from memory, he randomly called and went into his life situation, which then went on to half an hour of bitter talk about his wife, who he was apparently still living with but separated, and had cheated on him. I honestly don't think I said a word in that time. He was deeply hurt and not in a good place to move forward. The whole time, I was thinking how the hell can I end this conversation and get out of meeting him, finished up just telling him. I look forward with excited anticipation, not only with a new partner, but with life, there's so much to look forward to. Life is a joy. I don't understand how they can carry that shit around, it just ends up destroying them
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RHP User
7 years ago
The knock on effect of a miserable and abusive 10 year marriage for me, is being scared stiff of being trapped in another bad relationship and not being able to get out. I guess I'd consider myself commitment phobic but I'm fairly confident that after being single for the most part of 9 years, I'm no longer carrying any baggage, or am I wrong? Is that why I'm still single after nine years? lol Being smothered turns me right off instantly, can't stand the feeling of being suffocated, text and phoned constantly, or wanting to be with me 24/7. Yes the attention is nice but so is still having your freedom and independence. @Vegas.. So sorry for your terrible experience. The right woman for you won't care what you have or don't have, or how much you are worth or earn. She'll want to be with you for the person you are and for all the right reasons. The best things in life really are free... Hoping you find your happiness again real soon.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Say one thing and want another? Oh there are plenty of women like that 😉
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RHP User
7 years ago
Quoting 'vegas' Maybe not as light hearted as you'd hope, but explains my personal views. I met the woman of my dreams, gorgeous, playful, loving, kind, generous ... All this important qualities We moved in together, lived a very rewarding life, good income, great house, great friends. We never went without. I was an attentive partner, in and out of the bedroom, always letting her know how much she meant to me. We married on a perfect September afternoon surrounded by friends and family. We were in bliss... Things couldnt have been better... Or so I thought. One Saturday I came home early from work to an empty house. My family was gone, our stuff was gone, no note, no phone call nothing to tell me why. Over the next few months I tried to find out what was wrong, I went to councelling, tried talking to her, tried talking with her friends and family.... She had no interest in fixing anything. Depression set in, I lost my job, ended up homeless, had to give my horse away, had to sell my 4wd, fishing and camping gear, toys... On the brink of bankruptcy. It took me another solid 12 months to start finally picking up the pieces of that shattered life and rebuilding. It's now been 3 months since I've started feeling a bit better, I'm still out of work, struggling with little more than work (I'm a tradie) related assets (I'm not materialistic, but it'd be nice to have some luxuries). While more than anything I miss the intimacy and close bond with someone, I hurt, a shadow of the man I once was, suffering severe trust and abandonment issues. And on top of that, I know I have nothing to offer a woman more than what I can physically do.... It'd be wrong for me to enter a relationship like this, it'd be wrong for me to expect someone else to help pick up the pieces. Yet on the flip side we all have needs - Posted from rhpmobile How sad Vegas.What a story.Why did she do it???I don't understand people just leaving and taking everything with them and not being willing to discuss anything with their partner (unless there was domestic violence involved of course but in your case it doesn't sound like there was) I am friends with a guy who had a similar occurrence in his life.He loved his wife soooo much!You can see from their wedding photos that he absolutely worshipped her.She took off with another guy, taking everything with her, within 4 months of their wedding.It was obvious that she already knew the other guy and had simply used my friend and set him up to put herself in a better financial position to move on with the other guy and take all the new furniture, wedding gifts etc with her.What a bitch.What a sick-to-the-stomach feeling it must be to come home to an empty house.What sort of creatures do that to another person?!?! The more I hear about people in relationships, the more I think it's all only about money and possessions and not at all about love, respect and simply treating other human beings fairly and decently.
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RHP User
7 years ago
How rude. Speaks volumes about you. Don't let thr door hit you on the way out sweetie
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RHP User
7 years ago
Sorry to hear you were in an abusive relationship, also sorry you liked that disgusting comment from Mrs LAL
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RHP User
7 years ago
My apologies ITM.. An inadvertent, innocent error on my part.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Thank you, all good, it just hurts when those kind of personal attacks are supported. I'm a big girl but lol still smiling 👍 xx
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