M50
funny Ex stories anyone
January 21 2013
Comments
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RHP User
12 years ago
MMm any chance we dated the same ex ?
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RHP User
12 years ago
Purchase of said Lemon Lifted the hood, was a tad dickey to start but then I realised she had no been given enough lube. Read the manual, instructions were to lubricate before penetration. High use of fuel noted but tweaked a few things and had her purring like a kitten Eased up on the throttle knowing that baby would find the curves for me If I did not hold the wheel to tight. Looked at previous owners, all male Warranty long gone, as she had a good chassis and nice rear end but no body checked under the hood to see how the compute was functioning Re set the computer and re wired and re programmed to respond with a lighter touch Seat vibration is delicious Spoke to Manufacturer and problem was he could not see past his little girl, did not notice her faults. Second owners dip stick was a bit to small Third owner was a second had car dealer as slick as a rat with a gold tooth and only wanted her for a short ride I am happy with my purchase both car and owner enjoy the speed bumps in life.
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RHP User
12 years ago
didn't understand that a regular service is what keeps me going.Unfortunately because my brakes were faulty I ran off the road.I am much happier now as I only go for joy rides and happily get a sevice regularly,not always with the same mechanic though
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RHP User
12 years ago
Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers?? I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck & Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem....
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RHP User
12 years ago
My ex jumped the fence for greener grass, leaving two beautiful kids and the wreckage she created only to find her " greener grass " was I fact Astro turf. Whilst trying to jump back over said fence she landed one foot in the hole I had busily dug in her absents! I now spend every waking moment trying to get the rest of her in said hole. :-) I only wish I was joking.
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GezWouldGo
12 years ago
Never throw good money after bad, that one should have gone straight to the wreckers.But hey, we're blokes, we sometimes get a morbid attachment to these hunks a junk.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Oh gosh, you guys made me laugh so badly this morning :-D really good stories!
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RHP User
12 years ago
I've actually shared this in the real world.. Nice work.~Laughs~
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xFunlovingx
12 years ago
Dear Connie, I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. . Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: “There’s no one like you, Connie.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial. . What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before. I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy. . Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It’s true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is. Love, Dan
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RHP User
12 years ago
Ahh Cool_Hands, you win +1 internets and the forums for that post! Well done!
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RHP User
12 years ago
x funloving, keep em cumming guys now i have to go and write another one , you guys have inspired me
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RHP User
12 years ago
Dear hubby Sorry I am not here when you came home from work today. Though I think its now the morning and your wondering where your early morning cuppa tea is. Your usual wank over in my direction would have hit the curtains rather than the back of my nightgown. Just in case you never noticed I was not there. I just wanted to thank you for the orgasm I had last night after twenty years of marriage thank you for hosting the Dockers Breakup party last night. Yes they were depressed as being losers and I was happy to cheer them up by using my spread thighs as goal posts. It was dockers win 20 by husband 0. Lucky for me you only need two beers to get to the stage of crawling in the kennel with your greyhound Puckmyarse. I learnt for the fist time that a threesome is actually only two other people and me. I also learnt that I cant count and the evening was a blur of miscalculations, especially when the guy in the number 13 guernsey manage to sink one in the back hole. Yes it hurt a tad but that my have been due to number 6 and 9 doing a dp in the front one. I could not yell out to loud as I was being fed a meat injection by numbers 3 and 4. Brings a tear to my eye when I tell you this Frank , I found my clit along with my g spot and e, f spots as well. Shirley from next door came over with some cookies but they soon got tossed and she was flat on her back beside me taking one for the team, she is a girl that one. What a hoot she said she took one for you once as well, and managed to read the first chapter of the game of thrones while you tried to pump the limp noddle into her. Any howwwwwwwwwwwww. I am off to be the team mascot the boys think I can be of some use to them, I will be dressed as a dockside whore , look out for me at the games. Right now I am sitting on an ice pack , as those boys are such eager lil fuckers that I think I have sprained my twat. Ps I got some duct tape and have tied the remote to next doors cat. Sorry Fidel the dog got out and give it a bit of a fright, but hope you get it back by next weeks MKR
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RHP User
12 years ago
The bitch just wasn't that amusing.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'jensman1903 The bitch just wasn't that amusing. if i didn't laugh about it i would surely by now have crawled into the fetal position and given up...
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