F64
help
December 03 2011
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
your profile reads like a single womans profile. is this how you see yourself? if so, does he feel this as well? i've been with a 'free-spirit', who'd throw at me, tho we were engaged and living together, that she was free, white and over 21. as she headed out the front door to whatever it was that she was doing to fill the times i had so inadequately failed to fill..........it makes some guys feel very inadequate and inconsequential, when their lady looks everywhere but at them......could this be the source of his stress and being uptight? or does he have a profile here too? (hope so) and is party to your play?
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CrackUp
13 years ago
Not sure if it is Mike or Shel, or both, who has decided to comment on my post. I have to say, it must feel good to be 'smug' about oneself...to the point where u can question 'love dearly' in somebody elses life. Life is not always neatly packaged with all the answers and loose ends tied. Tell me - the oh so wise one... What happens to a couple who have been married for many years and she or he develops a disease or has an accident and can no longer 'make love' the way they used to. Do you think their love any 'less' because the one who can no longer be physically satisfied by his/her partner laments and longs for sexual satisfaction? What does one do in these situations??? Should the unafflicted one go without a basic human need - sex? Because, for them to keep on trying to have sex is fraught with difficulty, it results in stress and hurt for both parties. He or she who is afflicted feels useless and hopeless, the other, in spite of knowing it is not the partners fault, becomes resentful and hungry for that which they can no longer take for granted. If you actually addressed what I was asking instead of being seemingly intent on a profile assassination, your response might have been of some benefit...as it stands, it is judgemental, opionated and without any insight as to how other peoples lives might possibly be.Of course, people in this situation feel inadequate and inconsequential...both of them. It is too hard to 'talk' about the problems because, for the most part, they cannot be 'fixed' .. the solutions, potentially hurtful and devastating to the esteem of one. In the meantime, the other, is finding what used to be natural, easy and enjoyable, is now fraught with fear, loss, anxiety, etc, etc. Yes, it is 'love dearly'....less substantial feelings would have melted away in the flames of such issues.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hey guys,I'm just a newbie on here - signed up yesterday and still looking around, so I probably don't know the culture and will cop some shite for this, but WTF.......Firstly I have to say I am very impressed with this site and the investment and caring of most of the people who post on these forums (or should that be "fora"?). I'm also impressed with the respect and caring shown by most contributors, they really are trying to "do it right" and be helpful to others. This is in contrast to other sites I have seen where the gloves come off and it is free for all - you really have to be brave to post on those.I'm dancing around the issue here, but I see it as important to try to see context. I hear Crackup asking a genuine question about what to do with an issue that is essentially about communication. For some, communication comes easily (did I really say that?), but one thing is certain - it always takes two to communicate. Sometimes people are just not available, maybe because of their own baggage, maybe different cultures or beliefs, maybe other reasons. Sometimes time and/or experiences can remedy this, sometimes not. There is no fast and easy answer to this. When a partner is not available to communicate it can lead to extreme anxiety and depression. Here you are invested in a relationship and the communication is not happening. What do you do? Great question Crackup.This may be showing some of my own baggage - but another question I see dominating the forums here is the love/lust one. Being a guy with separate brain compartments for everything, I see them as two related but different things. I own that and I'm not asking you to share it, but I think we can all see there there are at least 50 thousand different understanding of how it works on these forums alone, so when a question such as Crackup asks covers both communication and the love/lust thing, it's gonna be a minefield.This probably doesn't help anyone, but it is impressive that this site and the people on it are prepared to engage mindfully and in a caring way with the issues we all face at some time or other in our lives. Keep it up guys!Oh yeah, and if you want a foot massage with no expectations Crackup - let me know, I do reflexology massage and always enjoy a good chat about life's issues.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'CrackUp'Not sure if it is Mike or Shel, or both, who has decided to comment on my post. I have to say, it must feel good to be 'smug' about oneself...to the point where u can question 'love dearly' in somebody elses life. Life is not always neatly packaged with all the answers and loose ends tied. Tell me - the oh so wise one... What happens to a couple who have been married for many years and she or he develops a disease or has an accident and can no longer 'make love' the way they used to. Do you think their love any 'less' because the one who can no longer be physically satisfied by his/her partner laments and longs for sexual satisfaction? What does one do in these situations??? Should the unafflicted one go without a basic human need - sex? Because, for them to keep on trying to have sex is fraught with difficulty, it results in stress and hurt for both parties. He or she who is afflicted feels useless and hopeless, the other, in spite of knowing it is not the partners fault, becomes resentful and hungry for that which they can no longer take for granted. If you actually addressed what I was asking instead of being seemingly intent on a profile assassination, your response might have been of some benefit...as it stands, it is judgemental, opionated and without any insight as to how other peoples lives might possibly be.Of course, people in this situation feel inadequate and inconsequential...both of them. It is too hard to 'talk' about the problems because, for the most part, they cannot be 'fixed' .. the solutions, potentially hurtful and devastating to the esteem of one. In the meantime, the other, is finding what used to be natural, easy and enjoyable, is now fraught with fear, loss, anxiety, etc, etc. Yes, it is 'love dearly'....less substantial feelings would have melted away in the flames of such issues. not being smug or smarmy or anything...just asking is all...these were just questions i saw when i read your posted topic and read your profile.... if theres any condescention at all, its accidental...was just putting thoughts out and asking, but sharing as well..... my ex went out and did her thing...and excluded me from any and all of it. eventually she was building her life anew, without me, but coming home from her 'diversions' and time with 'friends', and telling me she loved me all the while...and i never saw a bloody thing.. it began after emergency surgery for cancer and its subsequent treatment...we ended a relationship in which we'd had no physical intimacy for 3 or 4 years, because she replaced me with drinking, gambling and ultimately drug taking..............we do though send signals to each other that i never knew of...women begin to end the relationship long before its over...2 or 3 years in fact, but men dont see it, either thru ignorance or by some subliminal choice............... i only asked what i did, because in your post and in your profile, there are 2 decidedly different people being portrayed.... you suggest 'love dearly' in your post, but describe showers with others in your profile...and in that there exists huge disparity, one doesnt ring true with the other......i've been where your husband may be now, ignorant to what my partner is needing and oblivious of where she was, and to what lengths she was prepared to go to fulfill herself...........and when you find out, its one of those profound moments where time truly does stand still, and worlds come crashing down...........i think you reveal too much here...you'd truly be better off keeping the two parts of your life seperate.... as heres not the place for such counselling.....we are all too mucgh connected to one side or the other..........
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RHP User
13 years ago
i know what its like to love someone to the point of madness, but have that person hold you at arms length. i know how it feels to have desires and appetites unfulfilled, for years at a time, and how maddeningly frustrating it is to doggedly stick to oaths and promises of fidelity and faithfulness. it was my life for near to a decade. i could count the times my then partner and i actually made love, in the last 8 years we were together, on one hand... but hey, maybe i'm stupid, maybe i'm a fool......but i never once considered straying. but thats not even close to what i was saying...... i guess i should keep my thoughts on this to myself, but i read something in your post that rang a bell inside my head...maybe an alarm, maybe just a reminder.. you asked for advice and wrote your post in such a way that it appeared as though you were in a happy tho sexually barren relationship..... your profile says 'ask me'.....so i was asking...your questions were ambivalent and vague...and what i wrote was in no way smug or any such thing...........it was questioning. ... we arent special...Shel came from a relationship where she endured the worst sorts of abuse, physically and emotionally, (beaten if she refused sex) and i came from one that nearly destroyed me emotionally, finacially and psychologically (starved of sex).... and yea i know how it feels to want, every day.........but to know the answer, long before you ask....its soul destroying..........
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uneventful
13 years ago
Form the second posing not the first posting of CRACKUP .. that whilst she dearly loves her partner .. but is physically denied due to a health issue( or is this just a n example) its communication .. either together to each other .. or in a session with a councilor .. sex and relationship councilors work wonders .. if communication cannot be obtained .. and the love dearly still is there .. then invest in some good quality toys until the communication reestablishes or the relationship dies .. or stand your ground .. announce your feelings and intensions .. love but need human physical contact .I WILL PLAY .. but I will come home to you .. at least then you are not cheating behind his back ..
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CrackUp
13 years ago
Mike, forgive me, I am defensive...and resentful, a volatile mix. I totally understand the tone of your comments on hearing your own background. There are, I fear, no easy answers. I don't have faith that communication can breach this widening chasm I find myself on the edge of. Celebree, it is a health issue, a mental health issue to be specific. Sadly, when u are dealing with it as a partner, it is easy yourself to succumb to depression, as you struggle with the fallout, illness in the other generates. In some ways, it is more difficult than if it a physical thing - mental health problems can debilitate in a variety of complex and undermining ways, tearing and weakening the fabric of your relationships - many things become casualties - sex just one of them.Pokenfun, welcome to the forums .. and thank you for your input. Communication is paramount in any relationship, it is just so much harder, when it is clouded by health issues, pent up anger, grief, etc, etc. It is probably not the place to be airing this - I just find myself in a particularly low spot at the moment, thank you guys for responding.. I know your comments come from your own personal experiences and are given in a generous spirit...x
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RHP User
13 years ago
It is possible to love someone, but not be right for each other. Trips xx
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RHP User
13 years ago
Im only responding to you based on the opening points and thoughts you made.I have been in a similar relationship previously, where I was the one constantly stressed and therefore reflected in sexual encounters and general partnership with the person I was with. Im sure this would have reflected on her, as you are currently feeling.The problem as I see it is the communication breakdown. I'll give you an example of what I went through:- I work full-time and am stressed a lot of the time through work commitments- I study part-time at nights- I moved home to help care for my father who has motor neurones disease- I never found time to do anything I really wanted.As much as i loved/cared for the person I was with, I was literally trying to juggle and do too many things at once. I had to break it off with said person due to the effect it was starting to have on me, as we would then argue a lot because of our frustrations.You need to talk to your partner more if you are actually with that person. You need to help that person through the problems that they have, rather than sit back saying 'why are they holding me back' and pointing your finger at them. Seek help with them if you need it.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'CrackUp'Mike, forgive me, I am defensive...and resentful, a volatile mix. I totally understand the tone of your comments on hearing your own background. There are, I fear, no easy answers. I don't have faith that communication can breach this widening chasm I find myself on the edge of. Celebree, it is a health issue, a mental health issue to be specific. Sadly, when u are dealing with it as a partner, it is easy yourself to succumb to depression, as you struggle with the fallout, illness in the other generates. In some ways, it is more difficult than if it a physical thing - mental health problems can debilitate in a variety of complex and undermining ways, tearing and weakening the fabric of your relationships - many things become casualties - sex just one of them.Pokenfun, welcome to the forums .. and thank you for your input. Communication is paramount in any relationship, it is just so much harder, when it is clouded by health issues, pent up anger, grief, etc, etc. It is probably not the place to be airing this - I just find myself in a particularly low spot at the moment, thank you guys for responding.. I know your comments come from your own personal experiences and are given in a generous spirit...xmen are flowers...when it comes to emotive issues....and clumsy. forgive me my clumsiness, i meant no offence....my ex and i went thru just about the entire gamut of ill feelings...and i shouldve bailed much much earlier than i did...but i spent 3 or 4 years hoping it would improve, before going thru another 3 or 4 years carrying her thru a recovery from illness....the ones that suffered were my children, and its only since Shel and i met and eventually married (2 years now) that things have improved...every day is an improvement on the last.....good luck with what you seek... i apologise for my poorly chosen words and their effect.......
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RHP User
13 years ago
Without knowing the dynamics of your partnership I can only comment that the equation your living with love/intimacy sounds somewhat unbalanced and it would appear you are unable/ feel unable to work on certain areas of your intimacy due to your partner being a closed book about them. From experience this will render you incompatible for this area, to a degree. It is selfish and dismissive for any partner to be unable to extend themselves to the other on any front. The issues your partner is closed upon may be a result of past issues with intimacy that seem to be present in this relationship with you. That is not fair if this is the case. Try to get him to clarify the interpretations he holds today, with you, about each issue regarding intimacy. If this is not achieved to a satisfactory level suiting you both then you will have to continue with a sex life mediocre by your standards or terminate it is view of finding a more suitable partner in this area. The choice is yours, the amount of effort is shared in finding harmony between you. You must find workability by negotiation and communication. Good luck, and I wish you well on your journey.
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Onlylivetwice
13 years ago
I'm not sure if it's what you are experiencing CrackUp, but to me there seems to be a subconsiously deep level of connection which is almost essential for a good connection in bed. With it, there is a naturalness and without it, things feel construed and manufactured - even when both people want to be with each other.Some may call it a mix of personality types, I think it is a more instinctual thing that is matched and notably different from sexual attraction. It is a natural compatibility I guess, essential for sensual lovesex like an essential ingredient for a beautiful cake. Mmmmm, cake :)However I believe that may be too detailed for your original post as the problem between you and your partner seems to have it's genesis, or egg-shell if you will, in the communication.Sometimes the best way to start with any problem at all is to tell your partner, kindly (because you care) and with a true desire to learn, repair and nuture together:"Hon, I want us to communicate better with each other."If that's what he wants too, despite his and/or your fear, then you can both walk through the opened door together and over days, weeks, months (and years if that's where the relationship is going) take those baby steps of growing comfortable together, little victories of shared achievement, awareness of feelings from commitments and stresses, small discoveries and re-discoveries within each-other's minds, tiny earthquakes of revelations of understanding, all those things that build a unique relationship between two people, and with that comes strength and confidence in a relationship.Opening up can be painful and it can be beautiful. Sometimes it is both. Some people are just scared, but being scared is not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love. Care about your partner and you're half-way there. If your partner cares as well, well then they'll be meeting you in the middle if you're both pulling on the rope of love together :)Good luck! :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
i have found that sometimes the little things that can cause irritation but only in a minor way, ones you accept from a partner, will become collectively major problems which can cause you to lose objectivity and clarity of the scale of the issues...everything seems to become a problem time, maximising and lifting stress levels for both partners. One seems to add to the others so any attempted discussion becomes impossible. i found when my partner and I reached this stage that I was fortunate to have friends in the country with a farm who needed some 'free labour' to help them out so i worked with them for a few weeks, We kept in touch, short phone calls and emails which after a while became longer and then lengthy as we found in each other some new areas to talk and discuss. The time apart didnt solve every problem but it did allow us to relax, rethink and then discuss. It worked for us , of course I dont know your circumstances so this may not be possible for you but from reading your forums you seem to be perceptive and erudite so I hope you find a solution and resolution soon. Good luck and i think you do enjoy your journeys and explorations
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RHP User
13 years ago
Well sad Onlylivetwice. We like it.
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contemplating1
13 years ago
...As there is already some great input and thoughts above. Many here have been through/going through difficult personal circumstances...Not easy at times.... So I'll just send some positive throught waves and hope it all works out for the best, whatever that may be. Take care,
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