F53
jealousy
March 01 2015
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
Sorry that Mills and Boon idea that jealousy shows that a person really loves you is bogus. Jealousy will poison a person and will poison the relationship.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I find it hard to fathom what the purpose of jealousy is. I am a very secure sort of person yet I can be a jealous person, I don't understand it. This is only with a partner, in day to day life I am not jealous of anyone. Even with a partner it is not extreme, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my partner was having a perv but if it come to sex and they wanted someone else, then the green eyed monster would come out. I KNOW I cannot cope with a loving partner desiring someone other than me. I do mean a love partner, not just a sexual one. If my emotions aren't invested, it doesn't matter to me. And why do some people have jealous natures and not others?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Had a married man in an open relationship,tell me immediately after we had sex,that he was going to tell his wife about me in the hope that she would be jealous...He never saw me again xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
People are jealous when they don't feel confident in themselves, or if they are not certain of their partner and their place in their life. Jealousy usually means you are scared of losing the other person. Lets face it, if you were thousand bazillion percent certain of your love then you wouldn't feel jealousy even if that person was fucking someone else. Otherwise people are envious of other people's lifestyles, etc but that is different to emotional jealousy. I think anyway.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I couldnt be part of a swinging couple because I couldnt bear to watch someone I loved have sex with another woman/man. I know its a big turn on for a lot of people, but I want to be the one giving my partner the sexual pleasure.......so yes, I would be jealous in that case.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Is when we covet what another has.wealth.beauty.possessions and lifestyle..Jealousy erodes the soul,it causes harm to the object of the jealousy,and harm to the jealous person....Shakespeare's Othello is a great study in the consequences of listening to a poisonous friend xxFreya
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Splicey
10 years ago
Some people can suppress feelings, some people cannot. Some people can choose what they feel, others cannot. Should it play a part? I don't think it's a matter of if it should, but it can and does play a part in many - including non sexual ones. Someone who feels jealousy isn't less of a person than someone who doesn't.
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6exxy
10 years ago
One would hope that it doesn't rear its head. Sometimes it does. Like Koko I could never swing as I could not share in that way.
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RHP User
10 years ago
But you have to look past the simple comment that you feel jealous. What are you actually feeling? Insecure, scared, unsure of yourself, worried they will fall in love with someone else, worried you are not good enough? Jealousy is a generic term we all use without examining why you are feeling the way you are feeling. Once you can pinpoint what you are actually afraid of or what you are worried about, then you can actually deal with it.
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TheLuckyOne
10 years ago
I'm with you on that one! I feel exactly the same.
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RHP User
10 years ago
One of the many human emotions, we have a name for it, but it is really just a mixture of many different emotions that we tie together and name jealousy, not for what the feelngs are, but for what caused them. I was jealous if my brother got a millimeter more juice in his glass than i did. I was jealous of my mate that got the girl, jealous of the guy who picked up the guitar and in one year played better then me in my many years. i was jealous of someone better looking than me. i was jealous of the way a girlfriend talked about another guy. Jealous is envy, jealous is fear of loss, and loss, jealous is insecurity. Jealousy is often without merit, unsubstantiated imagining of what does not exist. I never want to be jealous and I hate the emotions that it brings. I have found that no matter how much i prepare my self, or how much i try to suppress it, it still comes. I do not think jealousy can be avoided. So I embrace it, I use it to learn, and I wear it plain and bold for all to see, for if I do not it will destroy the very thing that brings it on, the thing I love. I will not let it frustrate me and drive resentment and anger, I will talk about it and why. I will not let it hide inside me, make me bitter and make me hate. I expect my partner to listen, and to help reassure that my fear or insecurity is unfounded or misplaced. I will also listen, and I will also look for it, as not everyone finds it easy to express what they feel, I will do all i can to stop another feel anger, and resentment toward me. To be open is the only way to control negative emotions that jealousy can bring. There is a place for jealousy, to say there is not is to dream of a fools paradise. Do not fear it, fear how you deal with it for that is where jealousy finds it destructive force. Emotions are here to help us, its very unfortunate that we are not taught how to benefit from them and most of us have to learn it the hard way. Learn why you get jealous and discover the its bark if far worse than its bite, confront it, learn and grow from it, because to try and hide from it is a dark road to travel and has no happy ending.
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
I once envied those that could deal with feeling no jealousy. I can deal with watching whilst involved. But never could deal with it if I was not present. Even if only a different room. But in my maturity I just accept I am jealous because I have those feelings of attachment and I feel I do not have to feel inadequate for bearing those emotions as I am a caring human and can afford to admit I have a level of love for that person that is on a higher level than our cave man ancestors and the basic primal urge that primitive beings exhibited.
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LifeUnscripted
10 years ago
Is Compersion. Compersion is "A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship." I think that Jealousy is pretty normal actually. Even couples high on the Compersion scale still can feel jealousy occasionally. I think that the key is recognizing it and speaking to it. Not trying to bury it or deal with it yourself. If you express the feelings to your partner, then they can actually take action to try and help resolve the issue. Burying it just lets it fester.
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RHP User
10 years ago
You are just possessive. Surely?
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RHP User
10 years ago
I like a bit of jealousy because it shows that you care and also ur parter cares...obviously too much would be bad and shows ur insecurities. It really depends on how secure the person feels within themselves
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RHP User
10 years ago
Ive never played openly with a partner ive loved and was in a commited relationship with. I only have ever wanted to play when Im single eg 3ways with ongoing fb's, who I obviously like, but dont have those lovie feelings towards them.I really dont think I would want to share someone I was in love with. Is that jealousy, possessiveness? Im not sure. I just know that I havent wanted to in past relationships. And I havent had a partner who had suggested it, even my last long term defacto who I met off AMM, we were both seeing several different ppl and having 3ways etc. but when we met and fell for each other, all else was not nessessary to continue, and niether gave up our other fb's as a sacrifice,we stopped seeing them on our own accord,as we just wanted to be together and grow together in our relationship.( which lasted 8 yrs) So I dont know if I could be a swinger if I was in a commited relationship. I dont think its because I feel that Im possessive, I never have been possessive.Yes, I can get jealous. Depending on the circumstances. But just going on my own past experience, I wouldnt swing if in a commited loving relationship. But who knows whats down the track in my lfe.Or how I would deal with a partner who told me they wanted to swing..
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RHP User
10 years ago
Its another word for insecurity - Posted from rhpmobile
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Bollocks? Insecurity? Perhaps. But haven't analysed that part of me. Every other part has been analysed over the decades. To be honest I haven't had to share a partner in 20+ years. I havnt had a partner to share. I based my comments on feelings I had then and know that they are still current. I have a broad range of experience that few others in here could hope to compare with. How many could allow their partner to be a working girl and be able to manage and control their feelings adequately every day when they see clients? There was no insecurities then, just a love that we shared. Jealous? Hell yes. But not a bitter all consuming poison that some have called it. Maybe there are many types of jealousy? I knew she wasn't going to leave me for one of them. But I still felt the pain of having to share her. I just call that love. Some of you may be able to share the one you love deeply and feel no jealousy. Good luck to you. I feel jealousy and I'm proud to say it. I think its a normal part of love. I feel normal and evolved......
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Look at jealousy on a scale of 0 to ten. 10 being the poisonous type that dangerously consumed- unhealthy 0 being where you feel no jealousy and comfortably allow your partner to play alone- unhealthy 5 somewhere in the middle where you feel jealousy in certain circumstances but is controllable and understandable. - healthy. I'm referring to long term, committed relationships.
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RHP User
10 years ago
But you are using jealousy to describe a whole raft of actual feelings and fears. Jealousy as a word in itself means nothing. Possessiveness is cave man stuff, I don't believe that is a feeling we have "evolved" to feel at all! I do no believe that jealousy proves you love someone. Not at all. Don't get me wrong, I think at some point in their life everyone will feel insecure, worried, fearful of their relationship, or unsure of themselves, all feelings that people usually describe as jealousy. Those feelings are unfortunately normal, you can't always be 1000% confident. The swinging lifestyle and open relationships are not for everybody and not everybody would want them either. Is monogamy just a way of us showing possessiveness. Probably, but lets admit that this is what it is.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Monogamy has evolved because we no longer live in communities and we need "monogamy" to ensure couples stay together to rear children. Actually that comment is totally off topic. Meh, will say it anyway.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Why is it that we teach children that they have to share their toys but we can't share the people we love? We are taught real love means commitment and monogamy and that possessiveness is an acceptable way to be when it comes to people.
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RHP User
10 years ago
but I believe that you need to learn to feel it, explore it and work through it - like Blindman said. Why am I feeling this way? Am I afraid they'll leave me? Am I afraid they'll like him/her more than me? Is he/she thinner/smarter/younger/better in bed than I am? I think jealousy is an offshoot of the idea that romantic love must be possessive - My partner, My boy/girlfriend, My other half, you complete Me. We make love about ourselves instead of about them. Look at someone you love romantically, how much of that love is based around how they make You feel? If you have kids, look at how you love them... It's completely different isn't it? You love them utterly, you want only the best for them, you want to lift them up and see them succeed and be happy in everything they do. How much of that is about you? None of it. You love them for them, with a selflessness that would see you take a bullet for them if you had to. We've been taught that romantic love must be exclusive, but it's a social construct not a biological one. We're evolved beings, we can choose not to let our feelings control us. It's not the easy road, but I believe ultimately it's a happier one.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'curiousgirl68' I like a bit of jealousy because it shows that you care and also ur parter cares...obviously too much would be bad and shows ur insecurities. It really depends on how secure the person feels within themselves Jealousy is just another human emotion , but it needs to be kept in check ... I agree with " curiousgirl68 " a bit of jealousy shows you care .. but too much will eventually drown a person..
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RHP User
10 years ago
I hear what you are saying. I dont know why I feel how I feel about sex with others I am commited to.Not wanting to share them. Just the thought of it stirs up negative feelings. I mean, Love wise, I love my 3 kids equally, and thats easy( except when one pisses me off lol) but thats a different love. Just dont think I could share someone sexually that I love. Maybe further into the relationship when its not all new and crazy. I can only answer for how I feel about it now.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I would really love to have a light bulb moment on why I feel like this
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RHP User
10 years ago
Jealousy in regard to swinging is something a couple must be in control of. I found that when I see a lover engage with someone sexual it is a real turn on. To come into a room and see her/him enjoying someone and we exchange our wicked little smiles there is not a hint of jealousy. There is no fear they will leave me, I will be going home with who I came with (maybe a third dragged home). There is no comparisons made to quality, we all have our individual styles. There is is no concern if they want more from that person, it is after all a poly relationship. With that all said there is one rule designed to keep the green monster at bay. It is learnt from experience and that rule is less important with time, but no play behind locked doors, no exclusion. I become very uncomfortable when excluded, and my partners say the same. May people that attend clubs will only play behind locked doors and as we like to mix we are not always available to say, going into the room with couple X. That mistake was made a few times when first swinging and poly, both me in the locked room or her. I know that now if that is to happen we must let each other know, and if our secret knock code is on the door then we stop and attend. Just with that the problem is solved, the exclusion is no more and the monster is held at bay. Not all people are comfortable sharing a partner, and despite having the will to be poly the actual reality can bite when you are new to the concept. As I am bi I have found that the women in my life have had no problem with me seeing any male lovers, but seeing another woman is something that must be very open and is the big test. In the end we must make sacrifices, and if there is conflict then I must make a choice. if that means I must sit home alone then so be it. We all have our delicate times, what is OK one day is not another. One must respect that or that monster can run rampant, and what jealousies most destructive attack is on is trust. To be poly you must be hyper aware of jealousy. Many think poly means you can go fuck who you want when you want. This is far from reality. You need permission, not just a "Yes." but you must feel it is OK, you must not pressure a yes or emotionally black mail "But you saw so and so the other night." In time trust builds, and freedom is more relaxed and all must be friends without exclusion. All relationships require time to build and poly is very complicated and takes more time and much more care. If you allow jealousy in without confronting it and resolving the why, then you will lose a lover and that effects all involved. I am still learning.
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Jealousy, levels of love, monogamy. It's all related. Could get interesting. I view couples that allow each other to play separately have lost something for each other. Comfortable that the love has evolved toward the deep friendship level. Want to stay together but need exciting sex from elsewhere. And eventually one of them will tap into the raw connection somewhere else. Seen it too many times. At every swingers night, there were new mixes. Couples that had undying love for each other, one had disappeared and a the other had a new partner. Mmmmm Can here the keyboards tapping wildly from here.......
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inspirit
10 years ago
When I.split from the double decade marriage...my ex told me he thought I never cared. (He was a serial flirter) He had an affair and so doomed us. Does jealousy play a role for the insecure? Seems it does. I don't let jealousy through - I do communicate my feelings to the other if I feel the need. Being single tho, nothing to get jealous off. Right.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
That is very true! I have been a couple a few years ago and in the swingers scene, we were the "in love couple" and if I'm honest swinging ruined our relationship and if the time comes when I'm in love again there's no way in hell I would be sharing my man. When I'm into someone it's only them and I don't need to be satisfied elsewhere.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Thats one conversation I wont be having with my son........"You know when you meet a special girl and fall in love? Its quite ok to let her fuck other guys" Thats a choice he can make on his own in later life.
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RHP User
10 years ago
that suggested that jealousy in very low levels should be embraced as a means to electrify a relationship.... It doesn't suggest it be used as a tool for manipulation of ones partner, but when I thought about that for a while I thought fuck yeah it would... If only I could find the article again I'd cut and paste it here for you all to peruse.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
in the early relationship of my husband with his partner and it was "no good". It caused lots of unhappiness for all parties especially my husband. But like Blindman67 stated, I looked "within" myself and asked myself what it was that I was really jealous of and why ? I also discussed my "feelings" with my husband who helped to dissipate this "uncalled for" jealousy of mine. Yes, I admit that it was definitely "uncalled for" but I could not help feeling it at the time. Now, I am over it. I have been over it for quite a few years and talking about it with someone definitely helps. That was the only time in my life that I ever experienced "jealousy". Amy
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RHP User
10 years ago
I really should've googled it first eh?? Lol Ok I found it on a site called elephantjournal.... It's called "5 ways to electrify your relationship" by Summer Engman "3. Lean into jealousy In order for two people to feel more free with each other than without each other, they’ll likely need to be willing to handle each other’s jealousy and to experience jealousy themselves. The truth is we all enter into relationships initially as single people. When we were single we could do whatever felt natural—whatever we desired. We could flirt with the waitstaff if we wanted to. We could have a whole evening out just with our friends whenever we wanted without ever having to consider our significant other. However, when we get into relationships, we often drop off the very parts of our personality that make us most compelling: the flirt, the seductive one, the free spirit. We do this out of notions of what’s appropriate now that we’re in a relationship and we do it in order to avoid triggering the other person’s jealousy. But what we gain in comfort and security, we lose in spark, fire and electricity which leads to #4." - Posted from rhpmobile
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inspirit
10 years ago
Love that. I tend to think this us why I am.single..I never want to lose me again. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Jay Me and Curious Girl Why do you think showing a bit of jealousy shows your care ? How do you both figure that ? that your care factor can be measured aside a jealousy factor ?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' But you have to look past the simple comment that you feel jealous. What are you actually feeling? Insecure, scared, unsure of yourself, worried they will fall in love with someone else, worried you are not good enough? Jealousy is a generic term we all use without examining why you are feeling the way you are feeling. Once you can pinpoint what you are actually afraid of or what you are worried about, then you can actually deal with it.
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belladonna888
10 years ago
Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy and helplessness . Jealousy is a part of who I am, not the ugly possessive jealousy that can destroy a life but I care and value relationships/friendships more than I probably should.Mine is the type that brings me sadness knowing that I'm disposable at the click of a button by people who have become apart of my life on different levels.
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RHP User
10 years ago
yep....amen. Dull not ones true self, but dull down the actions that create separation.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I disagree with u Just because ur in a relationship doesn't mean u "loose urself" and the free spirit that you are...I'm pretty sure u can still go out with friends and do ur own things whilst being in a relationship. If you do loose urself it means ur codependant.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Well if im with a guy and let's say in love...if he shows a bit of jealousy I actually quite like it coz it shows me that he's into me and Wudnt wana loose me to another man. too much jealousy is off putting tho
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Violetincredible
10 years ago
Like Meeka said it's a word that covers up what you really fear... People try to make it romantic so as they can use it to manipulate people and make themselves safe. In my opinion to act in jealousy is the opposite of acting in love. If you do something out of jealousy it is to protect yourself (often has the opposite effect) if you do something out of love it is for the person you love. Xxviolet
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'curiousgirl68' That is very true! I have been a couple a few years ago and in the swingers scene, we were the "in love couple" and if I'm honest swinging ruined our relationship and if the time comes when I'm in love again there's no way in hell I would be sharing my man. When I'm into someone it's only them and I don't need to be satisfied elsewhere. You hit the nail on the head there lil lady :) If I'm in love with someone, then there is no way I'd share..Nor would i share myself.. I respect others that choose that lifestyle, but it isn't for me.. G x
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
a lot of people think of jealousy, they think of the extreme where it's use it to manipulate and control or give rise to extreme behaviour/violence over someone.The jealousy I experience is in the middle ground. When I feel it and I can deal with it by talking it out with the one that I care about so that both can be comfortable in what they do and therefore respect each others space and interactions with third parties.Keeping it rational. The green eyed monster is the extreme.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I'm glad I didn't write it then lol But it's[the article] talking about being just as flirty as you naturally are as a single; as you are in a relationship and having your partner still love you for it.... Which most people refrain from -or "lose" - when they're in a relationship..... I don't think it's co-dependent at all....as why should anyone stop that side of their natural self just because they're in a relationship?? A scenario:- Your partner sees you being your gorgeous flirty self with another man. He knows that you're going home with him, yet he still feels that little bit of jealousy....He doesn't say a word about it; instead he channels that feeling into a ball of passionate sex when you arrived home....strengthening that already firm connection and a fuck that reinforces that you're his.... Can't be a bad thing right?? - Posted from rhpmobile
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belladonna888
10 years ago
Whenever you have a sexual urge in your mind, a sexual happening in your being, whenever you feel sexually attracted and related to somebody, jealousy enters because you are not in love. If you are in love, jealousy never enters
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'inspirit' Love that. I tend to think this us why I am.single..I never want to lose me again. - Posted from rhpmobile I'm sure it's got a lot to do with the people I've chosen to be in relationships with, but I don't like who I am when I'm partnered up.
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RHP User
10 years ago
But according to you, if his a little bit jealous he must be "in to you" but could it really be that his actually insecure and has issues of his own which has nothing really to do with you ? and are there degrees of jealousy ? a little bit as opposed to alot? Is jealousy just........ jealousy ?
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'simple_desires' Its another word for insecurity - Posted from rhpmobile couldn't agree more x
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RHP User
10 years ago
If your partner in a " steady relationship " showed no sign of emotion at all . Would this make you comfortable. ? Im still with curiousgirl on this one... showing someone close to you that you care ' is quite a normal response.. Its when its uncontrolled it becomes ugly..
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RHP User
10 years ago
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was! -Rodney Dangerfield
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Goodvintage
10 years ago
Plays with our emotions. Some people handle it better then others.If you are controlling you are jealous. If you're mind is free then you can control it better.It's all about the 'I'.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Isn't the answer more to do with how we react to jealousy? It's obviously an emotion that comes from insecurity, a fear of losing something. Whether that's losing attention or the person completely. An insecure person sometimes just needs reassurance. If you're playing with others maybe there should be times where the person you are with is reassured and made to feel what they need. I agree that jealousy is a poison, but you can always take the sting out in a strong relationship. However if the jealousy stops you being who you are then maybe it's time to stop being with a jealous person. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Oh dear I have got it all so hopeless wrong. I assumed showing you care and expressing your love for someone was by treating your partner with respect and trust, and doing positive things for them, show your support... hell buy them a bunch of flowers every now and then to show that you are thinking about them even when you are not together. Doing thoughtful things. Actually verbalizing how you feel and saying thank you. But hey, if I threatening to chop their balls off every now and then if they look at another woman shows how much I really care. Well. COOL!
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RHP User
10 years ago
Nahhh....that just makes you a psycho lol 😘😘 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' Oh dear I have got it all so hopeless wrong. I assumed showing you care and expressing your love for someone was by treating your partner with respect and trust, and doing positive things for them, show your support... hell buy them a bunch of flowers every now and then to show that you are thinking about them even when you are not together. Doing thoughtful things. Actually verbalizing how you feel and saying thank you. But hey, if I threatening to chop their balls off every now and then if they look at another woman shows how much I really care. Well. COOL! a way to respond to the idea that a lack of jealousy means showing no emotion at all, but you beat me to it Meeks. Perfect.
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RHP User
10 years ago
If that were my bf and he was flirting with another girl I'm sorry but I wouldn't like that he used another girl to make him horny and then have wild sex with me. Screw that
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Single_Guy4U
10 years ago
Quoting 'simple_desires' Its another word for insecurity - Posted from rhpmobile Jealousy, insecurity, lack of trust. I believe it would be hard to feel jealousy if you are secure and trust your partner. (and in my experience, lack of trust generally comes from your own dishonesty and insecurity)
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RHP User
10 years ago
If he showed signs of jealousy, that would make me feel VERY uncomfortable but then I'm only attracted to, and enter into liaisons, with very secure, confident men and I don't provoke situations to arouse jealousy because I'm secure in myself
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Dryphuz
10 years ago
Yes jealousy is a catch all term for a bunch of emotions. You've listed them. Now note they're emotions you tend to feel because you care in the first place. Yes some of them can exist separate of attachment, but rarely so. Jealousy is ugly but all the emotions it represents imply a base attachment whose status quo one wishes to maintain and which the cause of the jealousy threatens to upset. If someone never feels jealous i don't think they are very self confident, i think they don't care enough because they aren't afraid to lose anything. It occurs to me then its possible the non-jealous are just so optimistic the inherent risk that should cause the jealousy just doesn't occur to them. I'm sorry but if a relationship is threatened and you fail to feel jealous then you weren't invested in the relationship, otherwise you should feel something when at risk of losing your investment.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Total waste of energy. End of.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Well'. I'm a VERY confident secure man and not the jealous type at all .. Yet I still believe you have it wrong, but that's only my opinion.. There's 2 sides to this story and I appreciate your's but I totally understand where curious girl is coming from.. She is not saying you should turn into a axe murderer if another female pays your man attention. Because she has a emotional attachment , those emotions go on alert when another woman comes in too close for comfort.. I don't see anything unusual about that. ? I wouldn't even call it jealousy. ?
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MsSuperFoxy
10 years ago
Quoting 'Fit73' My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was! -Rodney Dangerfield What about "June"?? Foxy
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RHP User
10 years ago
... has nothing to do with the other person. I see it as akin to looking into a fucked-up dirty mirror that reflects the feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, fears, etc. The thing is, its the reaction to seeing the reflection that counts. Either smash the mirror to bits so you don't see it again; ignore the ugliness you see until you walk past it again and re-live the feelings; believe the ugliness you see; or get a Windex and a rug and clean the mofo up and see that behind the shit is a beautiful person. My ex was a very jealous person - it gets very tiring having to clean the mirror up for him again and again. Funny thing is, I can't remember being jealous with him - even though he cheated on me numerous times. I did not get jealous because I did not love him - I did not get jealous because I was secure in the knowledge that he loved me - but he's an ex now, so, still lesson learnt. One can be very confident in who they are, but sometimes, one unexpected glimpse in that mirror and you can turn ape-shit. I met someone who made me look into the mirror, I turned ape-shit. For someone who is very confident, it was confronting to see that I have insecurities - yup, I'm that up myself :). So, Im still scrubbing...
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RHP User
10 years ago
and our actions If one comes in "too close for comfort", whose issue is that ? Why open yourself up to angst and anxiety ? If you trust, love and respect your partner then why would allow others to induce negative emotions in you that can be destructive ? Do you truly believe that jealousy is a measure of care and love ? Or a emotion that indicates a lack of faith in the one you love and basically yourself ?
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cnscpl00
10 years ago
jealousy does not play apart of our playing, she plays with her guys and I play with my girls but we also play as a couple. We have learnt that honest open transparent communication to be the key for us. We are very secure in our relationship, we have no need to be jealous, we have no reason for fear either when it comes to the question "will he or will she possibly fall in love or have strong feelings for the other person/s?" We talk about everything with each other. On the other hand jealousy can be a form of lack of security and understanding of ones relationship. I think jealousy can be a good thing as well as a bad thing. Everyone's feelings are different and should always be a contributing factor. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
How about protective nature ? If someone comes in too close then it's ur protective nature that switches on...mayb that's different to jealousy?
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RHP User
10 years ago
i think that Jealousy is an absence of trust. I'm not a jealous person at all. I 've always been happy to trust..... if there is someone out there that is preferred .... then you're free to go. The old saying "love someone freely enough that they can leave whenever they want to".
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RHP User
10 years ago
Of course love and respect is a important part of any relationship . Doesn't matter who you are or how controlled you feel you are. There will be times when someone comes on to your partner a little stronger than they should. If it's short lived , you roll with it, if they are persistent ' letting them know they overstepped the mark is a normal reaction... I don't call that jealousy...
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RHP User
10 years ago
Curiousgirl, I can understand you wanting to see an emotional reaction from your man to show you are safe with him. But protective/jealousy is not what I would consider safe emotions... as they are driven from fear of losing you. I would consider more mutually satisfying emotions such as trust in being vulnerable to you about his feelings. Too often I see what I call the women brought up on Disney... a man is going to come along and kiss her and she'll love happily ever after. Real love comes from trusting in being vulnerable with each other, rather than fear/insecurities that inevitably errode the trust.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Jay_me' Of course love and respect is a important part of any relationship . Doesn't matter who you are or how controlled you feel you are. There will be times when someone comes on to your partner a little stronger than they should. If it's short lived , you roll with it, if they are persistent ' letting them know they overstepped the mark is a normal reaction... I don't call that jealousy... I call that possessiveness. Surely if your partner is an adult and the attention from the person coming on "a little stronger than they should" is unwelcome, they can handle it? The idea of fronting up to someone to tell them to back off from my partner reeks of ownership and it overrides their autonomy.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Theres a big difference between being possessive and caring.. Yes ' CARING.. No matter how much you try to twist this.. It is caring.. Im not talking about the a over aggressive manic guy /girl here with green eyes and red tongue.. just the normal everyday couple reacting in defence of their union.. No one owns another person as you say.. goes without saying.. But caring ???
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RHP User
10 years ago
My opinion is that your definition of "caring" is jealousy and would not be acceptable to me if say you and I were in a relationship If you are experiencing any emotion, positive or negative, this is your choice and how you chose to act on that emotion again is a choice. You chose to be jealous and you chose whether to act on that feeling. If you are "defending a union" then one could assume that you are in fact threatened and not secure in the union, when in fact perhaps there is no threat at all and it is your own fears you are projecting I am puzzled as how you can equate jealousy with caring ? Personally, one iota of jealously shown towards me does not indicate care, but possessiveness and insecurity and is a red flag. Huge red flag
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madotara69
10 years ago
Actually, I agree with Jay Me for the intentions of his meaning. Though I will say as always in the past, "Jealousy" is a term too loosely used as a means of lumping any negative expressions with sex and problems with couples mostly, a form of possessive nature due to insecurities. I have written of this in other threads, but in shortishly... We had an experience with a guy who over stepped the boundaries with us and I called stop play, this ain't right. Truth is, most would consider my emotions as an act of jealousy, the guy even tried telling us I was just experiencing jealousy and it was something I needed to overcome if we were to swing according too him and his ideas of swinging. I told him to fuck off. It was not that I was jealous of owning Tara's feelings and emotions that was bothering me, it was the way this guy tried to "whisper" and treat Tara as a play toy for us blokes to do what we will with her, even had this notion that he was giving Tara such a good time and attempted to coach me into taking his place while she was off with the fairies, with some idiotic narcissistic idea he was doing something so special for her to be so passionate, Fuck he was twiddling her pussy and she was wet. (She goes off with the fairies because she trusts me, something we have built over years) So What am I supposed to do when at the helm of respect and some fucker disrespects the very thing that we do own between us, "trust and honesty" Call it jealousy, I do not care, possessive Yes, but not of her, just her honour in trust we have, I call it care and that fucker did not earn the respect to touch her any further while she was trusting in me. I don't know about all women, just one that I love. And when Tara lets go, she is outa here and off in a world of fantasy and I can say, with a different man with us and respectful lover... hmmmm, He experienced her passion released during hours of foreplay and fucking and double penetration, I was not jealous as he took the position of missionary as I laid beneath Tara up her bum while she self combusted into orgasm The other bloke was just a fuckwit. Mado Mado Tara xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
We can choose emotion,but we can choose to not act on it...just recognise that it has appeared...like anger.its about catching it observing that it's there but not letting it affect us....There is a fine line between being protective of another and being possessive...it depends on the people involved and the circumstance...chatting someone up is different to putting hands on someone when clearly that makes them uncomfortable at the very least...anyone would step in ,in this situation xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
Gave me another view on things. Yes we can look after ourselves if someone is over stepping our personal boundaries/space etc. but sometimes, as Mado just pointed out, our partner who knows and loves us, may see something before we do. Or see where something is heading before we do.And they know we havent seen it yet, so they step in to protect us. Not to show ownership or not trusting us. Its a love connection where both know each others hearts so well that they can see before the other sees it. Thanks Mado.
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Single_Guy4U
10 years ago
Quoting 'willowtree' Gave me another view on things. Yes we can look after ourselves if someone is over stepping our personal boundaries/space etc. but sometimes, as Mado just pointed out, our partner who knows and loves us, may see something before we do. Or see where something is heading before we do.And they know we havent seen it yet, so they step in to protect us. Not to show ownership or not trusting us. Its a love connection where both know each others hearts so well that they can see before the other sees it. Thanks Mado. To me this appears to be caring, respectful, love etc of your partner, nothing to do with jealousy. I agree with keepitsimple72, jealousy to me appears to be a combination of insecurity, possessiveness, & lack of trust. (if someone is getting too close, maybe they can't here, or it is loud in the pub, or they are saying something personal they do not want strangers to here), no need for concern (unless you believe there is some danger or something wrong), go and get a drink, or talk to someone else or wait for the conversation to finish and ask the question if you must (for interest sake only). I have seen it on a number of occasions seen my partner (ex) talking to men & woman very close, nothing dangerous or suspicious looking, I trusted her so went off to get a drink or talk to someone else, no issues. If you can't trust your partner you are wasting your time. Ensuring she/he is safe though is just care and/or love & nothing to do with jealousy (in my opinion)
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Single_Guy4U' Quoting 'simple_desires' Its another word for insecurity - Posted from rhpmobile Jealousy, insecurity, lack of trust. I believe it would be hard to feel jealousy if you are secure and trust your partner. (and in my experience, lack of trust generally comes from your own dishonesty and insecurity) that is comes from your own dishonesty, people do give you reason not to trust through lies and suspicious behaviour even if you can't prove anything, unless you are paranoid, we can sense when something is not right.
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RHP User
10 years ago
What is it you don't believe for a second? I assume that was directed at me, since you addressed my comment about possessiveness... Mado, your actions were not stimulated by jealousy, you were protecting Tara in a situation where she couldn't care for herself. What motivated your behaviour was your love and care for her, not jealousy. There's a big difference.
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RHP User
10 years ago
You're right.. It was your possessive comment I don't believe .. There's a big difference between a couple protecting something sacred to their relationship and being possessive... I'm really scratching my head to why you and some others can't get their head around that ?
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madotara69
10 years ago
Quoting 'Keepitsimple72' Mado, your actions were not stimulated by jealousy, you were protecting Tara in a situation where she couldn't care for herself. What motivated your behaviour was your love and care for her, not jealousy. There's a big difference. Thanks, though I would like to add some too that. I agree with what you said and only does that apply for the reasons that Tara "chose" not to care for herself and that is the important part, for me and what it means. What it means is that she can let go of her inhibitions and comfortably drift into that state of mind where passion is of sexual fantasy and truly orgasmic waves consume her being, her spirit, her soul, her self in pure erotic conscious desire.. lust. (off with the fairies:) I have earnt that privilege by respecting and caring for her, what love is as primal it may be, it changes a person to be truly in love that comes and is given with freedom of self. I don't own Tara, I don't hold power over her sexuality, I don't own her in spirit or by nature a possession, she is my friend and I would never take advantage of the bond we have, she trusts me, I trust her. Equality...That is the big difference. IMHO Some people do not know how valuable equilibrium is for relationships and friendship would certainly be tested without it. There I can see where jealousy shows the true colours of where it's all at. As ugly an emotion it may be, it's a truth to be reckoned with, I suppose, if it matters enough too feel it, a sure sign something ain't right, what to do with it?.... that is up to the one staring back from the mirror. And Willowtree nice post, appreciated.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Jay_me' You're right.. It was your possessive comment I don't believe .. There's a big difference between a couple protecting something sacred to their relationship and being possessive... I'm really scratching my head to why you and some others can't get their head around that ? You said " There will be times when someone comes on to your partner a little stronger than they should. If it's short lived , you roll with it, if they are persistent ' letting them know they overstepped the mark is a normal reaction... I don't call that jealousy..." I responded that I called that possessiveness and you told me you don't believe it. You don't believe it's possessiveness or you don't believe that I do? If it's the second, then you're wrong. If it's the first, then that's fine. We don't agree on that particular issue. I've been on the receiving end of a jealous partner fronting up to a guy I worked with who was coming on to me. I was handling it and there were no issues or awkwardness, right up until my ex came barreling in chest out like a rooster who had spotted another cock in the hen house. It became aggressive and uncomfortable and it ruined the working relationship between myself and the flirty colleague. I was absolutely furious with him because it demonstrated his insecurity and his belief that I was incapable of looking after myself. The motivation there was not to protect me, as in Mado's story about Tara and the bothersome male he kicked out, my ex was acting purely from his sense of ownership and this side to him is one of the main reasons he's an ex.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I am sure what Jay_Me means that if he saw his partner become uncomfortable or concerned with how someone is treating her he would step in to back her up. Provide support. Yes it is a little Neanderthal, but it is also kind of nice when a man is protective. Of course,.. as long as I can continue to do what ever I want, when ever I want. It's all good.
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RHP User
10 years ago
we're all saying the same thing in a different way. In a scenario such as you describe Meeka, I would do the same for my female friends. But that's not because I feel that I have to protect our 'union' that's just taking care of your friends. The topic is jealousy, protecting your friends and partner from harm is not motivated by jealousy. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Some will use the guise of protecting to cover the jealousy. Undue attention towards your desired one will often result in, "Is this guy bothering you?" which in translation means. "Fuck off mate, she is with me!" and is inspired by jealousy. Not always, but more often than not.
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Single_Guy4U
10 years ago
Quoting 'ralf74' Quoting 'Single_Guy4U' Quoting 'simple_desires' Its another word for insecurity - Posted from rhpmobile Jealousy, insecurity, lack of trust. I believe it would be hard to feel jealousy if you are secure and trust your partner. (and in my experience, lack of trust generally comes from your own dishonesty and insecurity) that is comes from your own dishonesty, people do give you reason not to trust through lies and suspicious behaviour even if you can't prove anything, unless you are paranoid, we can sense when something is not right. Yes and no. I agree with you people can give the partner reason for distrust on due to lies and suspicious behaviour. However, I was talking about my experiences from people I know, and especially my own experience where I was distrusted for 10-years, and I never did or said anything to be distrusted. No lies, cheating or anything. She was just plain distrustful because her previous husband cheated on her over 10-years prior. Didn't trust me going out for a drink with a male friend, didn't trust me talking to other woman (had to listen in), didn't even trust me driving a car (and I never had an accident). Wore me down after awhile so now single. I think it may be off subject though, as if you distrust someone because of their suspicious behaviour or lies, then that is fare enough. It is different though to jealousy because of perceived or imagined distrust and possessiveness, which I think is wrong.
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madotara69
10 years ago
Guess, being involved in the swinger clubs, jealous bouts would happen often, do you reckon you can see the difference in people who use the guise as a cover, over those who are not? (Predictable) maybe I would have thought jealousy would be more common as you mentioned, maybe not so much amongst the regular crowds, but i'd imagine there must be a fair few that use the swinger clubs for first experiences and things don't work out so well And if the swinger clubs are anything like this site, then it seems there is far more couples seeking women (unicorns) for threesomes FMF than seeking men MFM. So i'd imagine there is either majority of couples are men who favour the idea of two women, or majority of couples where men don't want to have another man rooting the missus. I don't believe the majority is women of the couples setting up the account and writing up the profiles, leading hubby in to the scene by the hand. I believe many women of the couples are persuaded maybe, in a possessive type of relationship. I mean most women would rather two cocks doing all sorts of things in them, given half the chance. (Runs hides :) I say this because the vanilla world is ripe with possessive relationships falling apart, divorce is common and rising. That is where it all begins, well mostly vanilla couples having a dabble in the swinging thing and realistically how many couples would make it through to becoming regular seasoned swingers, than not. What I am asking, is do you think there is any obvious majority in the clubs, parties, of jealous folk. Men or Women in whatever partnerships maketh the couples?
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RHP User
10 years ago
At clubs and parties, jealousy is a common problem. I can not say for sure but it does tend to be the guys that display their frustration more often than women, but it is more to do with demand than emotional maturity. Clubs are places where women have the over whelming power. From my experience it is fairly even when couples come that the lady or gentleman is the instigator of the adventure. Many times the guy is unprepared for seeing his partner get so much sexual attention. There staff are very good at spotting potencial problems and asking them to leave. I learnt to not engage newbies sexually unless they showed a level of maturity that could deal with jealousy. Many times the lady has not been with another guy for decades, or ever and someone new, different, and maybe more experienced than her husband can make them forget they came as a couple. It is also not that easy for a guy to get some in a club so invariably the wife gets some and the husband does not. This happens even if they play as a couple MFM as the ladies attention is on the (apparent) greener grass. On the whole the jealous types are in the minority and are more limited to the newbies. Jealousy makes for a bad experience and hence the jealous newbies do not come back for seconds. There have been a few that return but it has only been one half of what was a couple. To make it through as a newbie couple you need to be very secure and/or very strict in the rules of sexual engagement. There are also regulars that bring along a new partner, and when that new partner take to the scene like a duck to water the regular swinger can sometimes lose their cool. Jealousy is always a potencial problem for any swinging couple. They may have been in the scene for years and have a lot of experience, but then one meets someone that pushes all the right buttons for one and not for the other. After years without a hint of jealousy, its appearance can often be a surprise and being off guard can lead to regrets. A couple should always be aware that it can appear and have a plan to deal with it. To pretend it can not happen is going to cause trouble at some point.
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madotara69
10 years ago
gives the freedom of going deep for meanings, you clearly gave respect, that sits bright and shiny, we agree so this is now more so in the interests of entertaining the enjoyment you mention is your bag with the forums. I am going to seek a meaning to give Jealousy the truest form of what ever is written below the raw form of Auto Writing or riffing or what ever it is by going into the conscious for truths unedited or censored by the sub conscious concerns for it conforming to meet the expectations for making sense to the majority as correct or even understandable. Make sense of it once it is down. Get the courtesies a mention first, then I will read the post when it is posted. Think we can trust the mods would look for anything out of the guidelines, the discretion of all that is above my pay rate. Shortly after I sent that last post, I had a bit of a moment within my selves, arguing as to whether I had asked for things that may be considered.."speaking out of school". Any who feel that way, my apologies. Great post Blindman. I knew you would tidy all that up and it is clear to me, you were the right person to ask for thoughts on the matter. I especially like the way you fashioned your respects well thought out, for the folk within the lifestyle, in between the lines is what I enjoy reading most of all with your posts Blindman and I imagine your friends would be comfortable with the atmosphere for the goings on within the lifestyle, you have given them respectable meanings. I'll be back in a jiffy. We all have emotions and when it becomes intimate between friends and of a personal nature, then those very emotions become the bond that holds groups in friendship together, trust, respect, loyalty, honesty, care, protection, compassion, confidence, companionship, lust, love and all the other bruises. Jealousy, just happens to be one of those bruises, nasty and uncomfortable most of all for the ones experiencing it, so is deception, unfaithful, narcissistic manipulation, insecurities, disrespect, selfishness, fear, fight and flight, paranoia, Brussels sprout and politics most in favour for, avoiding warm beer. So I believe it is a fair call Blindman, that we "all" are potentially vulnerable of emotions testing the better of us, I am shocking, a hopeless romantic, I'll scream love from the rooftops and Tara has the overwhelming power over me, Mother nature indeed. She could bring on feelings that could tear me apart in spirit and mind, if she so chose for it shall be. We may well be the first to appreciate the advice you offered Blindman and too the circles of friends in the lifestyle respectively, We have our plan to deal with jealousy as a couple. (bit dusty, it's over twenty years old, still sealed, stamped in wax) ............./\./\ Mado /``\ (black ears and matching cape) ........|...\.^./...| ......./....|.B |....\ ...../...../......\.....\ The plan:#,, !! ~ ;).... If I or Tara ever are so disillusioned as to a confusion that overcomes the values by our friendship in bond... Rather than go get all jealous and save the embarrassment for it in it's self, just ask each other first too it. Sooner find "who" or "what'... Then the "why" we deal with together and of little effect any commotion, if not but for reason to be reasoned, hence reasoned below as caution for a purpose. Sometimes the power of jealousy and emotions attached is crafted by intentions carried by rumours. Manipulators thrive on whispering into the wind of lifestyle folks social communications, word of mouth, eye to eye for differences questionable, is difficult for the manipulative type, they have trouble looking eye to eye, so they weave a web around the generally peaceful communal friendly nature of the grape vine of who is who and what nots, then sit out of sight out of mind and pass on stories as motives seeding unsuspecting folk in the social chatter, rumours begin bumping into each other in transition, therefore believed as truths by common knowledge amongst all in majority. People start feeling the loss of courtesies expressed and become divided with loyalties and it can become quite an upset as people begin questioning trusts, then matters blurred by paranoia begin carrying a strong weight of opinion "most suited" for a problem there seems no logic is making any sense of the flow things erupting here and there don't link together? (as intended by the jealous manipulative narcissistic natured type of a person that cowers in the distant shadows scheming upon chaos and deception, loneliness, weak of morels and sense of pride, misery............. The mirror of self, forced on others, all so consuming the jelousy in self, the tool for a cowards justice, Jealousy at it's most best for the worst becomes the predator and only companion in the company of reasoning. And the only reasoning I can find in the deepest place of spirit for compassion, is accept the existence of Jealousy a creature lurking in the shaddows, pretending to be friendly to any who can feed knowledge too fuel the story returned to them and pass on as a concern that has emerged while pondering on the intended design, manipulating the emotions of care, too care for reckoning enough to pass on the strength of rumour, not something in confidence to be done face to face and into the eyes of someone in disgrace. That part of the truth for the matter was purposely given in a confusing puzzle, the story was the seed too make the person it was intended for, the responsibilities of the discomfort with the feelings that will rest in self for a trade off with character sheltered by a whisper into the washy laws of rumour nothing to be taken so seriously and walk away with only a secret in yourself of the bite that spider creature took of you and sting, just enough poison that numb will be a part of you forever from now to know what went on, will not be naive of the fact that Jealousy will touch you and take something if you deny the instinct for awareness of it's presence and shelter in the the place it will find you, caught in it's web of denial. Both emotions can walk hand in hand, like many others if not trusted when ignored felt like an easier challenge for passing off something so little, could never become anything worth a worry of truth be a concern. Not saying manipulation is root of jealousy in principal. Just for worth sakes, a question to be reasoned out, should the plan take effect. Well it's in our plan and for reference we have it listed 1# Fuck we planned this in our plan and the plan says, "find out what fucker is fucking with us, if it is you Mado, ask Tara. If it is you Tara, ask Mado. See what you can make of it Blindman, though I do believe we are still on topic.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I must admit that I have been jealous of my wife's sexual adventures when we have played in the past but since then i have realized that she actually loves me more because i encourage her to be who she really is. The reality is that you can't stifle someone's sexual needs just because they are your partner & if it's done honestly, then allowing your wife or husband to have multiple lovers can be a win-win-win situation for everyone involved. Let the jealousy go & just have fun with it i say. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Couldn't have said it any better....
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RHP User
9 years ago
One issue when a couple decide to go open is the lady can find a lover in about 5 min whereas the guy may struggle to find one at all ! I have nothing but awe for couples who make it work.
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