M59 F53

men and time

June 16 2017

This late evening I am reading an interesting article about famous study done by Lynn Phillips, a psychology professor at New York University, of young women who were in relationships with significantly older men. Girls she interviewed described these relationships as fulfilling and most of them strongly objected to the suggestion that they were being exploited. Phillips then interviewed a similar number of older women. Each of these was over 30, and each had been in a relationship with a much older man while still in her teens. With the benefit of life experience, these older women acknowledged that they’d been hurt and admitted that their claims of maturity were all a pretense. Men who want a reason to pursue younger women are desperate to claim that what is a culturally constructed choice is really an unavoidable biological reality. The great lengths to which countless men go to avoid fatherhood suggests that the continued evolutionary imperative to “spread one’s seed” is oversold to the point of being illusory. Findings: "... In the world of online dating, so many men seem interested in chasing substantially younger women. I heard women in their 20s, including those who set firm upper-age limits, being inundated by messages from older men, all of them invariably claiming to be atypical 40 or 50 year-old. They ask them to disregard upper age limit, just for them - make an exception, they're different. They offer security and stability in exchange for sharing their passion and energy. A typical 42 year-old-man, for example, on that "vanilla" site would be willing to date a woman as young as 27 (15 years younger than himself) but no older than 45 (just three years older.) It's not that women their own age are less attractive, it's that they lack the culturally-based power to reassure men that they are still filled with potential. Those men see the inspiring desire in younger women as the most potent of all anti-aging remedies." Of course, not all men are like this. This isn’t about shaming all adult men. After all I am married to one who is exceptional in many ways...but I am curious... I do understand the need of having a second chance in life, finding someone that makes you feel alive, and how many men see older women to have trust issues. I recognise the feeling of excitement in myself when I spend time with someone who inspires me and is full of energy. We all want to live in the presence of happiness. One of the mistakes older guys often make is assuming that older women have emotional hang-ups and younger women don’t. They think that because younger woman never had her heart broken she won’t have intimacy issues... but every woman of legal age has some issues. And every man. The obvious question is how are men fighting against going "invisible" to younger women, and ways of accepting all that comes with certain age? What do you think when roles are reversed? What are your deepest, secret thoughts. Of course, women's opinions or experiences are most welcomed. (Ms)

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RHP User

8 years ago

We're even further than 15 years apart in age, and have been together for years. But we're both happy. Isn't that what counts? - Posted from rhpmobile

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OkeyDoke45

8 years ago

I'm 47, I hang out with other 40-something males, married and single, along with a few in their late 30's, and I don't know one bloke like this. Not one. We are all aware of our ages and that young women are to be admired from afar but that's it. I know there are blokes out there like this, and they are possibly prolific on dating sites, I work with many young people, mainly in their early 20's, and I find the women young and silly which is exactly what they are meant to be at 21 or 22 (the same of course applies for blokes). I certainly don't want or expect anything with them. I honestly don't know how I'd react if (unlikely scenario) I were propositioned by a woman in her 20's, I'd be quite incredulous I'd say. A woman in her late 30's I suppose I would be okay with, early 30's not so much - why the distinction I don't know but we all have our cutoffs. As a bi male I can tell you that there is no shortage of obscenely young men that want the whole ''daddy'' thing, which creeps me out no end. I signed up for Grindr once, I lasted a week - it was like opening the gates of hell, and a bit disturbing with the sheer number of requests I got from barely-men. My only theory about this phenomenon is that these young men haven't had any fulfilling engagement with their fathers and they are subconsciously seeking it via sex with mature-aged (and older) men. Could this be similar with young women and older men also? I don't know, it would be over to the women for that angle I suppose.

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VillainNVixen

8 years ago

I have been with women 12&13 years younger. Age had nothing to do with it, we just clicked and had fun together. In the end i found that they didnt know what they wanted and maybe age was a factor. Ive found greater connection with women my age as the ones i have connected with are confident in themselves and know what they want. These friendships were ultimately more fulfilling on every level. At the end of the day i dont think age is the issue though. Hang ups, trust issues, lack of confidence/communication etc arent limited to young or old. I might not have answered your questions but hopefully this is relevant

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Sawadee

8 years ago

..not the age..

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RHP User

8 years ago

Quoting 'keentoflirt' I have been with women 12&13 years younger. Age had nothing to do with it, we just clicked and had fun together. In the end i found that they didnt know what they wanted and maybe age was a factor. In my meagre experience, in my unfortunately brief relationship with a girlfriend who was 9 years younger (31 vs 22), I found the experience to be similar. However, on the flip side, I would say it was a certain immaturity in life in general, that made her decide to advance from initial platonic dating in the first place. Yes, it may be that quite young women do not quite know what they want, like many of us as that age. But in any case I doubted that a woman my own age or older would have been prepared to be my "first" in all ways, considering my age. Older women do more often know what they want, and that confidence and life experience is attractive to men of various ages, although it then allows them to be much more selective. One of the things they want is sexual experience and confidence in the similar aged (or older) male. So perhaps it was the innocence and/or naivety of youth that meant my partner was just living for the feelings of the moment and did not try to analyse every future circumstance in advance or tick all of the boxes. I even made her aware of my situation in advance and yet she still decided to continue and go through with things sexually. On the down side, it was other factors that perhaps related to the age difference, that led to things coming unravelled (psychologists and myself put it in the "right girl, wrong time" category). I even saw some of these factors present from the start, but I chose to overlook them, to give the potential relationship a chance. There is no opportunity without risk. OP As for the examples given, where the young women later regrets their previous relationship with a much older man, it takes a very mature minded person to acknowledge that a relationship may have beneficial in the long term, despite the pain of the relationship ending or in it's downhill stages. Assuming it was not emotionally or physically detrimental or abusive, and the partners did in fact want the best for each other while it was going well, perhaps it is the same youthful immaturity that causes people to do symbolic things like burn photos of their ex etc to "move on". Sometimes, even though a relationship didn't last, it could still in fact turn out to be one of the best things to happen for someone, and it can do wonders for setting them up for future life and future relationships. As for relationships with great differences in them, be it age or otherwise, that can provide substance for more learning, maturity, introspection, and analysis of needs and values, than the relationship of two very similar people who do not need to work on much at all to get along. But then that is the risk, holding out for someone of high long term compatibility with arguably less risk, but who is much harder and takes much longer to even find. It probably shows I do not believe in "the one" anecdotally or literally speaking. I believe in variances of compatibility. So perhaps a large age difference might be riskier, but can work, as it has for many (see an above example), often depending on other factors that may blossom compatibility despite an age difference. Sometimes the very young female with much older male relationship was started with short term factors in mind over long term ones, and since it has now ended (in OP's examples), the woman who is now older, sees that relationship in the negative, now that her outlook and needs have changed. Her former partner type could now be someone who would be completely wrong for her now, and because the relationship didn't last, she now views that the person was wrong for her back then as well. I guess it all depends on the basic question we can all ask if we have had a prior relationship. Would you rather have never had the relationship? (Not to be confused with "would you rather have had a better one"). A final note though, I do agree in principle and from experience with the basic analogy of "turning back the clock", or recovering lost motivation, enthusiasm, or energy/passion for life, with someone younger.

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RHP User

8 years ago

I have had so far was with a man who is 18 years my senior and while it ended painfully it taught me a lot of things about life, love and myself. Though he referenced his being an "old fart" I never thought of him as my older partner, just a person I was lucky to find and enjoy and I take the lessons forward with me in life. I can't speak for him but I think it is much the same for him. Age wasn't a factor, the chemistry was :) - Posted from rhpmobile

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Beachlifetwo

8 years ago

I'm 48 and the older I get the older my preferences are getting. I can appreciate the beauty and attributes of a 20 yo but honestly don't find women particularly sexy until their late 30s -40s Sexyness goes way beyond tight skin and youth. Women in the late 30 - 50s are in their prime from a sex appeal perspective. Just saying!

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Beachlifetwo

8 years ago

Interesting my wife tends to find slightly younger men and women sexy. Maybe a little concerning as I am not getting any younger

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RHP User

8 years ago

...are ticked, particularly those that comprise our primary needs of the mental, emotional and physical then age becomes only a measurement that we use to mark the very brief spacial distance we travel from the womb to the tomb. I've hopefully grown enough not to judge anyone by this particular quantum and certainly will continue to allow myself similar latitude. Best.... CM

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cat_n_the_hatter

8 years ago

Even though most seemed to react to findings. Those women admitted that their claims of maturity and sexual adventurousness were all a pretense, not that they didn't learn anything. I am not talking about two people meeting by accident, but about older men pursuing substantially younger women (hunting them). It is known, that from the dawn of time old men would send youth to wars, and when the whole population of young men would halve, they would have 'unlimited' supply of young girls to choose from. But then, that was then... (Ms)

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RHP User

8 years ago

Quoting 'cat_n_the_hatter' Even though most seemed to react to findings. Those women admitted that their claims of maturity and sexual adventurousness were all a pretense, not that they didn't learn anything. I am not talking about two people meeting by accident, but about older men pursuing substantially younger women (hunting them). Topics which focus on age tend to draw a rather limited range of responses on here. I surmise that is due to a few different reasons, which I'll refrain from stating to avoid causing massive knicker twisting

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RHP User

8 years ago

Quoting 'cat_n_the_hatter' Even though most seemed to react to findings. Those women admitted that their claims of maturity and sexual adventurousness were all a pretense, not that they didn't learn anything. I am not talking about two people meeting by accident, but about older men pursuing substantially younger women (hunting them). It is known, that from the dawn of time old men would send youth to wars, and when the whole population of young men would halve, they would have 'unlimited' supply of young girls to choose from. But then, that was then... (Ms) How is it I can't talk about a mens issues docco but you can publish this obscene drivel ?Mad hatter, how many men have the English Queens murdered protecting the assets of the house of Windsor ?What about the women who handed men white feathers to shame them into suicide or death on the battlefield to protect them.What of the young men who survived the horror of Vietnam only to be greeted at home by women throwing buckets of blood on them ?I've read some warped shit on this site but that is an all time low, deeply deeply insulting and disrespectful.

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Sawadee

7 years ago

Bollocks.. I'm a older male who doesn't specifically go looking ( hunting , as you say ) for younger females , yet if they do happen along and we click, I don't hunt them away because of someone else's hangup's. As I said earlier, I see the person , not their number...

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RHP User

7 years ago

My observation, due respect, is that your comment wasn't condusive to promoting open thought on the topic either. Just my observation of course 😀 Perhaps the reason topics on age draw limited responses is because there aren't many who are comfortable with large age gaps, and fair enough, we're all different, but as a result, the understanding of it is always there, can draw narrow minded views surrounding it? Again, just my observation 😃

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RHP User

7 years ago

no, my knickers aren't in a twist, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, remain open to guys of any age, and don't need the validation if you like, of others telling me it's right or wrong, I suspect others like me or young chicks with older men, couldn't give a toss what people think either. It seems to sometimes unsettle other people, perhaps because of their own insecurities, who knows, but one would have to suggest negative opinion, particularly in the form of taking a swipe in a topic that is not your preference, might suggest some insecurity? Anyway, it's a rather nice place to arrive in though, no hangups, as Jay said, and being open regardless of age 😃 To add, people who find love with much older or younger partners, and I do know some who have, good luck to them, go you 👍

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RHP User

7 years ago

Go you 👍

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RHP User

7 years ago

Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' My observation, due respect, is that your comment wasn't condusive to promoting open thought on the topic either. Just my observation of course 😀 My comment wasn't intended to promote open thought on the topic, it would take a lot more than one comment to do that. You have your observations, I have mine, and the world keeps on revolving.

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RHP User

7 years ago

thanks for illustrating my point

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cat_n_the_hatter

7 years ago

"How is it I can't talk about a mens issues docco but you can publish this obscene drivel ? Mad hatter, how many men have the English Queens murdered protecting the assets of the house of Windsor ? What about the women who handed men white feathers to shame them into suicide or death on the battlefield to protect them. What of the young men who survived the horror of Vietnam only to be greeted at home by women throwing buckets of blood on them ?" Could you please elaborate Sailbad. I do not understand why are you so upset about. Do you wish to say that women send men into wars as well? Do you see it as women/men issue? The fact is that wars are forged for different "obscene" reasons, and they are obscene in character too. (Ms)

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RHP User

7 years ago

Oh you did that all by yourself, your comment well illustrated your intent, as expected also 👍

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cat_n_the_hatter

7 years ago

"Sometimes the very young female with much older male relationship was started with short term factors in mind over long term ones, and since it has now ended (in OP's examples), the woman who is now older, sees that relationship in the negative, now that her outlook and needs have changed. Her former partner type could now be someone who would be completely wrong for her now, and because the relationship didn't last, she now views that the person was wrong for her back then as well." That is refreshingly insightful. I have to admit here, never thought of saying it, but I do find some young man to be surprisingly eloquent, mature, funny and with sense of integrity, so I do understand how it can happen. Must say people are people, and those who were hurt in life but still show their humanity and are not cynical about the world should be tenderly embraced. Sometimes more can be said softly.(Ms)

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Sawadee

7 years ago

Talk about throwing one blanket over everyone ? What depressing drivel... Seriously ,bring on the girls , strike up the band for god sake..

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men and time

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