M52 F55
please help me deal with heart break.
October 06 2014
Comments
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MissSarahCurious
10 years ago
Like Relationships Australia or something advertised in your local paper or on gumtree? And not having friends and family nearby sucks, but there's always Skype. Walls are good for a while but they also block out new good experiences and the love you need to be sharing with your children which can help you mend. Or maybe get a dog? xx sarah
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Mischeviouslad
10 years ago
Th3e road forward is not an easy one. The only thing you can do is deliberately put obstacles on that path to occupy your time.Now is a great time to reacquaint yourself with those activities and friends which you may have been unable to do while your time was occupied with that person. DG
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RHP User
10 years ago
This is never an easy time ... My heart goes out to you ...it always helps to talk rather than bottle it up so I agree that Relationships Australia may be a good place to start .. And also get very very busy if you can muster up the care factor that is ... Find tasks/ activities that need your full concentration. Also join a group start a social activity where it is either physical or nurturing for you e.g. Exercise of some sort, I find swimming is refreshing and clears my thoughts also meditation.. Get a massage , do nice things for you that will only do you good, watching movies and reading books - getting into a story that can sometimes take your mind away for a while give your thoughts a break .... It's a process that only time and good choices will see you through - try not to be too cold or bitter as this will stop you from being able to once again enjoy the pleasure of another wonderful mans company - who knows? Quite often the next guy can make you wonder why you were so hung up about the last ...? I hope this eventually happens for you as it is liberating to finally be able to look back and only wish them well with no regrets remembering and appreciating that experience of knowing that person for that time ... Good luck I wish you well in your journey forward - may you be smiling again soon 🌈🌊
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RHP User
10 years ago
In a slightly different scenario, I found the following to be useful: to get over the initial fallout 1. Routine - It is bloody annoying how the sun keeps on rising every morning and everyone else is getting on with their lives when we feel like our world has ended. I found that it helped to get into a daily routine with the children, work and even downtime so that it was all mapped out. Idle time was not good as it made me introspective. After a while, as things settle, you can introduce a bit more flexibility. 2. Segregation - You will naturally feel grief for the loss of the relationship. Rather than suppressing that grief, I found it better to set aside a time (again as part of a routine) where I would let it overtake me for a defined time, and after that time was up, brush myself down and get back to the world. Early morning at sunrise or late at night after the children have gone to bed are ideal so they don't see you lose control. Also, initially, it will hit you in waves so if you do feel that you are losing it, just go to a quiet place and let go to allow the wave to pass. 3. Contact - You don't need many people, only one or two, who can be an anchor for you, to unload onto without comment or criticism. Pick these out from your friends or explore options like Skype for overseas talks with family. They aren't there to fix things, just to give you support until you are emotionally strong enough to stand unaided again. Also don't feel guilty or ashamed of seeking such help. I felt bad at the time but I knew I needed to take advantage of their friendship to get through at the time.
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RHP User
10 years ago
But the only thing that got me through was to stay busy. I was forced to be busy due to work commitments and they were an absolute blessing. Any time alone was pretty awful but time with friends wasn't great either because I was a misery sack and no fun to be with for a very long time. So work and general life busyness kept me going. I worked and worked and worked and worked, and kept doing all the things I would do in my life normally, even though I was numb. Eventually I found myself enjoying things again. It took a very long time. I never got any closure with my ex and that has been the hardest of all - not knowing and not understanding. Even today I would give just about anything to have a conversation with him and make sense of it all. But you can learn to let that need go as well in time, as I am. It all eases in time. Sometimes it feels like it won't, but it honestly will. One day - even one hour or minute - at a time. All the best xxx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
U r all very kind. I have read, & am following advice. Have been house cleaning like a mad woman, whilst listening to music. Had never thought about Relationship As or counselling, this will do me good, but not yet. I cannot talk, but in time I will need to unleash. SimpkeNeeds2.. I like yr ideas, they make sense to me, esp,an allocated crying time. I feared if I cry, I will never stop, but if u can do it - maybe I can too. The bights will be the loneliest. Thanks. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
If it is no longer the two of us, and just chill for a while. focus on your family and try to stay away from RHP for a while get some professional help from qualified people not the RHP cyber couch
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RHP User
10 years ago
Don't worry about anything else, just focus on you and your children. Break ups are so hard and hurt like a bitch, stay away from people who are not there for YOU, talk to a professional if you feel it will help you and not because other people think you should. My heart goes out to you, there are no platitudes that will make you feel better but please try be kind to yourself. Hugs OP.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I went through this last year. Total shock. Only now am I truly happy again. Feel free to message me, it's a horrible, horrible feeling, but it does ease with time. The heartache is painful, I know, but you will be your own person again and get through this. Love and warm wishes xxxxxxxx
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Seachange
10 years ago
Break ups of the serious nature is very difficult specially if you are alone, no close friends or family support around you. I feel for you. Confusing times. I have been there when I separated with my ex many years ago and really hits hard. Seek professional help as bottling things up is not productive and you can end up bitter and angry rather than putting things in perspective and moving forward. See a GP and get a referral. Licensed Mental Health practioners are in better position to help you rather than the RHP forum people as they can address your issues at a deeper and personal level than any on us can. Call Lifeline or like services if you are really feeling low and need to talk to someone. I wish you the best in the future and trust me, I know it hurts now but it can only get better. Think of tackling it one day at a time if things get overwhelming. Good and warm thoughts your way. Better days to you and your kids.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Try not to let anger and bitterness take over, as I did for a while. It was not pretty. Focus on a new future with the children xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
Can help, but isn't always necessary and isn't always suitable for everyone. I never sought professional help. I would if I felt it was critical but I knew that for me it wouldn't do more than tell me the things I already knew. I was able to tell those things to myself and I had great trust in myself that I was strong enough to manage and to be kind to myself along the way. I think the RHP couch (I like that phrase inthekiss!) is just fine, if it works for you. So often problems are easier to handle if you don't feel alone, if you believe there's someone there to witness your struggle or your efforts. The RHP couch can witness your journey and maybe that will be enough for you. Or maybe counseling is perfect for you. It's all OK and, if you can, it's important to trust your own judgment. You know (I hope) how to be good to yourself, so be good to yourself :) I agree with some of the comments about not spending time with people who don't know how to be a true friend when you're at your lowest. My breakup devastated me and I was in a terrible place for a long time, but I was strong enough to let go of a few friendships with people who just couldn't handle me in that state. I figure - as Marilyn Monroe said (I think) - if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best. I also agree with not being bitter and resentful. The only person hurt by that kind of anger is you. Detachment (a'la Buddhism) is helpful - you can google that and learn some really useful skills and strategies. I had a similar experience when it came to crying. I was in such shock and so numb that I didn't cry for weeks - about six I think. I was on the bus on the way to work the first time I cried. Dreadfully embarrassing. It was kind of a relief but also awful. After that I cried every day ... for about three years. Yep. That long. Just so much sadness but in my case also a lot of guilt and fretting over things I'd done. I think the crying went on for so long because, while I could let go I him, I had to live with myself and I'm crap at forgiving myself for anything. I think crying for that long is probably unusual and certainly not helpful. So I get the hesitancy about starting the crying process but I think it's a natural part of healing most of the time. The most beautiful thing I did for myself was just allow my healing to unfold however it needed to unfold. No rules. Not on anyone else's schedule. No apologies for wherever I was at with it. I just kept busy and let it happen. In time it was still happening but it became something very much in the background as I got on with my life. I really feel for you. Hugs your way x - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
My mate is in same position he has found friends/talking to close people you know helps, but like you said not many contacts. It will get better, and I'm sure you will find your way with a bit of help on rhp Oh and drinking helped a little bit, hehe
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RHP User
10 years ago
last breakup, I was pregnant,I thought at one stage that I wouldn't survive, but here I am thirty years later and content.I can't believe what a huge favour my ex did for me,but that realisation took me a while to get too.What helped me?I had a fantastic counsellor,he said"'you can either be as doormat or leave"..l left...I had a fantastic group of women friends who were there for me...I knew that if I needed to I could call them anytime...and sometimes I did...I also knew that it wasn't just about me but also my child.... It's doubly difficult when you have children OP,but as has been said,make time for you to cry ,grieve etc,but then put it aside and even though you are numb,get on with the details of the day....I do hope you find the help and support you need ... Hugs xxQ
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RHP User
10 years ago
Thank you all for sharing your past experiences with me. It has helped to soften my heart. Burning Love, I teared up reading yr post..I'm glad u r now in a much happier place. Lily Orchid, Quefenta, others...I appreciate.. Xxx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
is always two sides to a story. We don't know why the man walked out. But for both it would be good to stay calm. After a massive heartbreak, is it through death or a breakup, we need to find ourselves first. We here can not take sides, because we are not in your shoes. And both of you, the one who walked out and the one you wanted to hold on, its hard for both of you. Theses kind of decisions are never made lightly.
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Seachange
10 years ago
OP seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It actually takes strength of character to recognize your limit and reach out before you get into the depths of depression, anxiety or suffer a breakdown. You can end up bitter and paranoid and build walls that may work against you in the future as you meet other people. You just need to replenish your emotional and mental coffers with good thoughts and re-centre yourself. Be kind to yourself and it will be better for you and your kids. Mental health professionals have seen this situations all the time at all different levels and will relate to your pain. I was in a similar situation as you are when I split with my husband many years ago and have 2 young boys. But no malice nor any violence involved. Anyway, the professionals are well trained in this area and will give you is an unbiased view on things and a willing ear to hear you out. The thing is to take out the blame from the situation and see the events objectively. Hard now I know. When you are emotionally involved, it can be hard to distance yourself from the problem as you are too close to it. It will seem like going in circles and you will be mentally exhausted. A psychologist or mental health practicioner will give you perspective on the problems and issues. The sooner you find your centre, the better it is for you and your kids. They could help you with a strategy to handle some emotional turmoils you have never encountered before. As much as rhp forum people would like to help with good intents, it can backfire as we are not trained for this, but can only relate our experiences. Well most of us are not trained in this field. Most will post good helpful stuff and I hope it will not get twisted otherwise. Take the positives that you think will help. Again, to seek help is not a sign of weakness. Just need a hand up to help you get over the slump you are in. Take care.
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yankmychain56
10 years ago
Even though i have been here for some time, It is still a 'new' country, with different culture and beliefs. I would say i have to come to grips with new terms and figures of speech daily, even when I am from the states and both our countries speak English.My entire family is in the states, MY CHILDREN are in the states. even though they are grown, I still miss them.I have been 'alone' for some time now, when someone did the same thing.... Just walked out, like a switch was turned off....at THE WORST possible time in my life.So I was stuck.....ALONE, with no one to fall back on,,, and in ill health at the time.I have been ditched a few times... by people i was serious with, a couple of marriages, and it is NEVER any easier, and sometimes i think it gets worse because you begin to wonder if something is wrong with you.They say that a divorce (or someone leaving you) is WORSE than a death in the family, as when someone is dead, they are just GONE. forever. When you are divorced, or someone leaves you, it is like a death in the family because you can't see that loved one any more.... but you see them at the store, down the street...or WORSE, holding and kissing someone else.A fate worse than death.I wish there was something i could tell you to help with the pain. some people say drink or have sex or do drugs. temporary fix.when you come to your senses, the PAIN is still there.I heard a recent country song from the states. A guy is 'drowning his sorrows' at the bar, meets a hot chick, take her home.... and then he says....'I wake up love in' you!' . The pain is still there.THEY SAY it takes close to two years to completely get over the death of a loved one.... or losing a lover.I wish i could offer you more.all I can offer is shared life experience and a shoulder to cry on. We all need it when we are in pain.
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Seachange
10 years ago
Warm thoughts to you too. Seek help anf confide in someone good, people with your best interest in mind. I can see you are really in pain from all yout prev posts. There are lots of support for men out there. Also see beyondblue. I heard good things about them specially helping men. Learn to let go and it is always difficult. If yiu seek help they may put some strategy for you so yii can detach yourself a bit from the situation. Drink is never tge answer. It just masks the symptoms and does not address the fundamental issues of isolation and loneliness. May you find yourself in a path of kindness and recovery soon. May yiu surround yourself with good people you aspire to be and make you a better person. Life gets better mate. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
After your ex using your couples profile for spouting some abuse on here last night (thanks mods for removing the lot), your profile now appears locked.I hope you're still here and we'll see you with a new profile. Keep your head up, after the stuff he posted your ex does not sound like a nice person to me. x
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'lilyorchid' As much as rhp forum people would like to help with good intents, it can backfire as we are not trained for this, but can only relate our experiences. Again, to seek help is not a sign of weakness. Just need a hand up to help you get over the slump you are in. Good points!
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Mr_MrsAraps
10 years ago
My heart goes out to you and some things I learned were 1. You can't force someone to love you so if their mind is totally made up and they want out its better to let them go than going through the pain of wanting someone you know you cant have. 2. Get some professional support and talk about it. 3. Start doing the things you love again and keep yourself busy. 4. You will get through this and each day will be a tiny bit better than the last. At the other side of this you will be happy again and life will go on. Cheers, W
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RHP User
10 years ago
Just realised my advice got deleted along with my responses to you about your ex's post. Araps summarized it beautifully though. I'd add doing things to pamper yourself. You can do it cheaply, by having a hot bath, using a nice face and hair mask, buying a nice magazine and chocolate and giving yourself a pedi. Doing things like that usually works for me, as well as fresh air and the sun on my skin for some extra vitamin D. Hope you feel better soon x
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yankmychain56
10 years ago
I Appreciate the thoughts. I have been through lots of pain, been through war, but NOTHING compares to heartbreak. While i might have scars from 'past events' of being blown up and shot at, nothing compares to Heartache.As i said before, sex might be fun, but only a temporary fix (unless you find someone regular), and forget about drugs and alcohol because that just makes things worse.My heart goes out to people in the pain of heartache, all the 'man-up' crap goes out the door.
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Seachange
10 years ago
One more thing. When feeling down stay away from depressing country music. Nothing cheery about.hearing that your dog ran away with your cat and you ate left on your lonesome. Just kidding Take care.. - Posted from rhpmobile
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yankmychain56
10 years ago
Do you know what you get when you play country music backwards?You get your wife, your kids and your dog back:)I grew up 'country' and with country music.But i do like 'easy listening' music.like Slipknot, Ozzy Osbourne, Rob Zombie, and ICP.Just about any kind of music is depressing if it reminds you of the person you were with. I have heard some metal tunes that put country to shame about losing someone.but that involves suicide and murder:)again, thanks
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RHP User
10 years ago
I checked in, to ensure my profile iwas deleted, as I closed it last night through Rhp support. . I still have access..? Not sure why. In any case, here is my last update. Thank you all for yr kind wishes, & my sincere apologies that my ex"es nasty, abusive forum rant from this thread.. (I don't know how that got through the moderators.. Esp with my pH number..!!). At least removed now. Thank u Meander, I contacted them also. I will be OK.. I have my kids to focus on, & he (the ex..) has shown me his true colors, so it will be easier to let go. Wishing all who replied a very happy future. 'YankMyChain' I shall miss yr posts.. Wishing u well also.. Over & Out..!! Xxxx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Araps' My heart goes out to you and some things I learned were 1. You can't force someone to love you so if their mind is totally made up and they want out its better to let them go than going through the pain of wanting someone you know you cant have. 2. Get some professional support and talk about it. 3. Start doing the things you love again and keep yourself busy. 4. You will get through this and each day will be a tiny bit better than the last. At the other side of this you will be happy again and life will go on. Cheers, W .....and I must say the main thing that helped me was not to dwell on the bad times and bad experiences, be thankful for the good things in life however small they may seem and don't look back, never look back.........move forwards only and look towards the future.Even bad experiences can result in good lessons learned.Keep moving one foot in front of the other and look ahead.......the future is bright.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Im feeling for you and if you would like to chat please msg me and thankyou Meander now I no why i got the reponse I did when I sent Just2ofus a msg last night and was so unkindly told where to go, (nasty). Sending you hugs.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Dear contacts..f u received any nasty messages from 'us' or 'me',,, please believe me, I did not send them, & have no idea what they are, as reply messages have been deleted after being sent from HIM..!!! I have just now read messages from contacts politely asking me to explain myself, & why did I say what I did..? Unfortunately, nothing else was explained, so I can only imagine it was nasty. I can read messages, but i can not reply, as my profile is currently blocked..I deleted all info.. It is also awaiting deletion from site. I sincerely apologize that you were personally involved in our break up drama. Unfortunately, I don't have many pH numbers to contact u personally, as all contacts were still in the ' getting to know you' stage. Once again, my apologies. Thank you all, & wishing u a bright & happy future Ms xxx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Oh my goodness get a grip! Have you ever lost someone close? Divorce / break ups are hard but you'll get over it. When someone dies they are gone FOR GOOD - your saying divorce is worse is ridiculous. Get a grip and end your pity party. - Posted from rhpmobile
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PL1963
10 years ago
There has been some great advice on here, I hope it has helped you out. The "snap back to reality" comments like KatyK, usually have a "negative" effect, especially when everything is still very raw. You seem embroiled in a very nasty split, I too have been involved in a similar situation in the past, tread lightly. Hopefully there is no property settlement to come. If there is, PM me in the future when you can. It is "precarious" world out there for ladies, "barbaric" solicitors target ladies like you for there own personal gain, promise everything and often deliver little, expect "anguish". I for one, am all for settling things amicably, but your Ex appears to beyond that point, what he is doing is "harrasment" and verging on "defirmation", depending on what he has told ppl. I have a "restraining order" on my head for a lot less than what he is doing. They are very easy to get, and can be reversed at a later date, if you guys work things out. I feel very sorry for your kids, as they at least deserve a "goodbye". If they're over 5yrs old they will need help with this situation, especially if they were fond of your Ex. My son was 16 1/2 when we split, he struggled greatly, but 2 1/2 yrs on he is starting to understand the reasons for our split after 30yrs. We are now "bestie's " again. Hold on tight, think of your kids 1st and then yourself, the rest of the world can "go fuck em' selves". If you are suffering any sort of depression, see your G.P. and seek out a Psyhcologist or Counselor that specialises in this area, if you are in desperate need, contact "CAT" crisis , they will come to your house 24/7 and are extremely good. When you feel like the world is "ending" just ask your kids for a big hug and lots of kisses, I'm sure they'll oblige. Good luck for the future. Cheers Paul.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Lovely post PL x Katy, my wish for you is that you never experience overwhelming grief and heartache. If you do though, I hope you learn true compassion and learn to refrain from making such bitchy comments to someone who has simply asked for help. - Posted from rhpmobile
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PL1963
10 years ago
My sentiments exactly, people caught up in these type of situations need assurance that their is help available and that they will survive. When the light and the end of the tunnel goes dark, is when "devil" depression see's it's opportunity to enter your mind, I've been in that very dark space and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Ms J, I checked, at least one of your contacts has viewed this post. Now is the time when you will find out who your true family and friends are, I lost 95% of mine in the "wash up", as I was the one who chose to end a 30yr LTR that was long dead, but as Derryn Hinch used to say "That's Life". I'm very happy now, this guy has now shown his true colours, I'd say you and your kids are probably better off without him, long term. Cheers P.L.
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