M52
where did all the fun topics go
May 20 2014
Comments
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madotara69
11 years ago
Overheard blokes sitting at the bar, talking of how fancy they are with the ladies. One said " when I kiss a lady on the vagina, she raises two feet into the air" The other bloke said " well when I go down on a lady she rises three feet into the air" Couldn't help but join into the conversation, I said " well excuse me gentlemen, when I have finished root'n the missus, I wipe me dick on the curtains and she hits the fuck'n roof"
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RHP User
11 years ago
5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjob's. 1 % liked warmth 2 % liked sensation. 3 % liked eroticism. 94 % just liked the peace and quiet
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RHP User
11 years ago
Never Argue with a Woman One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakesidecottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,and begins to read her book.The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.''Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.I'll have to take you in and write you up.''If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.'That's true, but you have all the equipment..For all I know you could start at any moment.''Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
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RHP User
11 years ago
A woman is in her doctor's office when she suddenly shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me!" The doctor says it would be against his code of ethics. Ten minutes later, the woman again shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me, just once!" The doctor refuses apologetically, saying as a doctor he can't kiss her. Another five minutes later, she asks again" Doctor, Doctor, kiss me just once!" "Look", says the doctor, "I am sorry, I just can't kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
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RHP User
11 years ago
When I was a boy, my momma would send me to a corner store with %1 and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs. . ou can't do that now... Too many fucken security cameras.
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RHP User
11 years ago
A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear-ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy standing there with his hands on his hips says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, buddy!" The truck driver laughs and says, "Blow me!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe this! He wants to settle out of court!"
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RHP User
11 years ago
Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says. "I'm trying to commit a suicide," she says. "Well, before you jump how bout giving me a blowjob?" So, she does. After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"."My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."
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RHP User
11 years ago
Love is like a fart..............it turns to shit if you force it.
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RHP User
11 years ago
He finds his seat and sees that the guy sitting next to him has a black eye too. "How did you get your black eye" he asks the guy sitting there. "Well, it was kind of a Freudian slip, I was going to get my ticket and this really hot chick with big tits was working, anyway instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh I asked for a picket to titsberg and she punched me in the eye. How did you get yours?" Other guy says"Well this is ironic , I had what you might call a Freudian slip up myself. This morning at the breakfast table I meant to ask my wife to pass the cornflakes but instead I said, YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE!" - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
your a blast keep em coming sign language Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
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RHP User
11 years ago
Shit Ralf, that just made my day. Love the jokes, will have to think of one for later. Mr J - Posted from rhpmobile
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Twisted_Mister
11 years ago
One day, three women were sitting together quietly at a table, minding their own business. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Sittin a bar. One of them has a bandage around his head covering stitches in his forehead. His mate says, what's up with your head. He replies, I was giving the missus a doggy yesterday morning and the bitch ran under the house. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
That could well be the joke of the year Mr J - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Guy goes into the mens to have a leak when this big black dude stands up beside him and pulls out his massive dick, Geezus 'say the man.. That's one huge mumma you have there. Wish mine could look like that ? The black dude slowly turns and says 'Man, you can. All you gotta do is get a brick and a bit of string' tie it on and leave it for about 2 weeks. ? Two weeks later they meet in the street and the black dude ask's how things went ? Ummm well ' not quite what I expected ' but it did go black ?
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RHP User
11 years ago
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands she opens the vault. She replies "but sir it's a sperm bank"! "I don't care open it now" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are the sperm donor samples. The guy says "take one of those sperm samples and drink it". She looks at him "BUT they are sperm samples???". "DO IT" he shouts. So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there drink that one as well", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after four samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey it's not that hard "
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RHP User
11 years ago
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence... The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'.
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RHP User
11 years ago
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? Well I can't peanut butter my cock up your arse :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
I said" Come on doc, you can give it to me straight" he said " I can't we're both dudes...besides I don't want gonorrhea " - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
THE ULTIMATE QUOTE "Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she will make a baby. If you give her a house, she will make a home. If you give her groceries, she will make a meal. If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges all that is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit
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RHP User
11 years ago
BBQ RULES We'll be entering the BBQ season in a few months . Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine... (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine... (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine... (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
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RHP User
11 years ago
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that....... Never mind.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Letter to Men's Helpline:- Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating. The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up and she’s going out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on... It was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting bracket... Is that something I can weld myself or do I need to replace it?
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RHP User
11 years ago
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" Because ... She Replied ... "I Really Miss Mine"
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RHP User
11 years ago
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe .Well developed and open to trade, especiallyfor someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker? A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Q What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name
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RHP User
11 years ago
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy
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RHP User
11 years ago
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
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RHP User
11 years ago
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
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RHP User
11 years ago
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal
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RHP User
11 years ago
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband? A: 45 minutes.
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RHP User
11 years ago
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem, cobber?""I'm in Darwin with me sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,and now her pussy has completely closed up.""Bummer mate!""Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."
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RHP User
11 years ago
He got 7 guys up on stage and hypnotised them, he then tripped and dropped his mic on his toes and yelled out "Fuck Me" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life..........................
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RHP User
11 years ago
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
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MsJonesy
11 years ago
Quoting 'ralf74' THE ULTIMATE QUOTE "Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she will make a baby. If you give her a house, she will make a home. If you give her groceries, she will make a meal. If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges all that is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit That is the best I've heard for a long time. Nice one Ralf!
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