F53
Domestic Violence - do you know of anyone currently affected by it?
August 29 2013
Comments
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Beachlover1999
11 years ago
Great post and never enough awareness me thinks kiwibred. The abusive may not only be physical but psychological, often the choice of the 'alleged intelligent'. Often easier to hide and certainly harder to prove, to friends and the courts. To friends and family of people in DV relationships, please listen.......... It has long term affects on the children to..... Be brave, don't do it alone...... :))
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RHP User
11 years ago
even if they don't know it.Learn to speak in the 3rd party please, your post has way too much leaning towards female.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I come into contact with a lot of men and women experiencing domestic violence through work. Reflecting back on my marriage, I can definitely see it was there as well. The thing I have found about DV is that it seldom changes without some sort of intervention. There are many ways intervention can happen, counselling, police involvement, close friends to name a few.While I was in that relationship, I only now realise that the good times definitely did not outweigh the bad ones and the times I thought it did was me deluding myself. I mean delusion similar to the clinical sense.....a fixed and false belief. Now that I am out of that relationship I am a much happier person and far more free to be myself. It gave me a slightly different perspective when dealing with DV at work. I understand why and how people stay in those relationships and I can do that without judging them for their choices. Ironic that I used to make observations on how blind they were to stay when it was what I was doing myself.DV comes in a few forms and physical injuries heal more readily than some of the mental scars in a lot of cases.These are my own observations and not intended to pass judgement or imply disapproval towards anyone else. This is one of the first times I have even admitted it to myself and I wonder how I will feel about posting five minutes after I hit the button.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Just, hugs xXx :-)
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RHP User
11 years ago
Any form of Domestic Violence is NOT OK!!Foxy
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RHP User
11 years ago
I can't understand how someone that loves you can hurt you........ But I understand it's hard to get away from. Talk to your Doctor or call 1800 811 811 in Qld. Don't let domestic violence get out of hand. Wishing you well. Gypsy💋- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
I didn't realise during most of the two years of one relationship in my past and only realised some stuff later. There was a real culture among the people we were friends with at that time too. A couple of things put me over the edge though and I am surely far happier since then.
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inspirit
11 years ago
I myself was a victim too domestic violence before I met my ex husband of 20 years. That relationship (with my ex husband did not bare the scars of physical violence though it did of mental abuse) Which was worse you ask..... I put them both on the same level. Physical violence you are at the mercy of some ones fist/weapon. Mental abuse you are at the mercy of your own self esteem. Both endanger your life. It has takne me far longer too get over the mental abuse than it did the physical abuse. Yo may ask why did I ever stay in the relationship of physical abuse.... I use too ask that of woman until I became a victim. A co-dependant.
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RHP User
11 years ago
that was a brave post,kudos to you.So many men are in abusive relationships and it is just not recognised...emotional and mental abuse in particular ,.but also physical abuse.....
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inspirit
11 years ago
"When you're living with an abusive man (or woman) you know exactly what stage of the cycle he is at at any given time. You know when you can expect the worse, you know how long that particular stage is going to last. When you leave, you no longer know what stage of the cycle he is at, you're living in constant fear - you go back (knowledge is power in a weird sense of irony)."I disagree. You do not know the stages as you yourself are in a constant state of disillusionment.
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RHP User
11 years ago
At times I knew what was coming. At times not. I think perhaps part of the reason it has taken me four years to really admit it is because I was "well educated" about the patterns, absolutely all of the signs, the subtle behaviours, the whole box and dice. I just couldn't see it. Actually I could if I am honest with myself but I told myself all those same things I have heard from people who have suffered it to. The same lies and self deception. The same justifications and recriminations.ultimately I did choose to be there. I have....not regrets exactly...but things I would definitely do differently. It's kind of strange to reflect on it the last coupe of weeks but what is done is done and the grass definitely is greener on this side of the hill. I guess for the OP you may be a little ahead of where I was in that you are consciously aware there is or was a problem. With that knowledge you can make choices. If you need to, lean on others. Like PTSD there is nothing worse than going through it alone and there are many willing to lens a hand.
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inspirit
11 years ago
Quoting 'justforfunisall' This is one of the first times I have even admitted it to myself and I wonder how I will feel about posting five minutes after I hit the button. Has helped many of us to get it out in the open. xxx HUGS
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RHP User
11 years ago
Kind of liberating...but also a little scary. A very close lesbian friend at work commented ages ago that I was an emotional dwarf (tongue in cheek) but now she says emotionally I am a hobbit! Progress :)
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inspirit
11 years ago
...it can be very liberating and yet overwhelming. A double edged sword at times. It takes a BRAVE man to fess up and understand his own emotions. We are usually our own worse critic though I do find it interesting those who judge are usually looking in a mirror. They just do not see the reflection. Denial at its best... I use too love India once lol Hobbits are great. Big feet right lol
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RHP User
11 years ago
The male half here had suffered this for 12 years long with my ex... Don't alwsy assume it's only man that do harm as woman are just as capable of doing just that... For me the effects appeared worst for my children! I no have full care of them and it was very hard for a male to speak up:( Touching and my heart goes out to anyone that is subject to any form of abuse
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madotara69
11 years ago
Holding onto these type of things, is like a poison. Doors become closed and many things become avoided for fear if remembering. But we have to remember to let it go, otherwise innocent and caring people around us can be hurt for something they never did. We can't change the people that do the hurting, well it certainly is not an easy task, but we can change how we become.Domestic violence is not much different than many of the bad spirits amongst us. But there is many more good spirits to walk with. You can feel them as they gather.It is just like the feeling you get when laughing, If you haven't laughed for a while it sure feels great again. The old kookaburras will remind you. They are old spirits.Mado
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thanks for the topic OP you’ve managed to bring me from the lurkers gallery. I had never experienced domestic violence until a couple of years ago. When I would hear or read about people that stayed in that environment I could never understand why they would not leave or have the perpetrator removed. Feeling unsafe in my own home, having to put a lock on my bedroom door, frequently leaving the house ... oh the mileage I clocked up staying away until things had calmed. Unable to pre-empt on most occasions that violence was going to rear its ugly head. Some mornings I hadn’t even put my feet to floor and it was on. Even having time off work because I wasn’t able to hide the bruises. I did seek help from psychologists, psychiatrists, even going to undertake behavioural management course. Why didn’t I leave or have them removed? How do you leave the perpetrator when the perpetrator is your own child? The damage to my home, my car and above all my health has been tremendous. This journey began for my child as a result of bullying. My child was a victim and in turn its immediate family became victims too. It has been a long distressing couple of years. It’s been several months since any damage or physical violence has occurred. The potty mouth still comes out occasionally but I can cope with that. I sought help for my child and I am so relieved (understatement) to finally have my loving, affectionate child return.
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RHP User
11 years ago
They call it family violence. Which is deemed to occur if it's physical, emotional, psychological, or financial. In other words a woman may actually apply for an avo in the state of Victoria IF she believes you're withholding monies that SHE believes you owe her, and the courts see it to be a form of VIOLENCE. There's nothing worse than an abusive partner, unless its a system that allows itself to be abused. - Posted from rhpmobile
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chevtrek
11 years ago
2 things on this subject 1 is you can have can have an argument and a woman will say DV to her friends for sympathy. 2 is When this does not happen and its real then in some cases it gets way out of hand.
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RHP User
11 years ago
A close family member was in a violent relationship for over a decade. Her brothers had to literally restrain each other at times, from entering the house and sorting this man out. They did what they could to make sure he knew they were watching but they also had to respect their sister's wishes, and they knew she would keep going back so they had a feeling of futility. One of the brothers was my husband, a deeply sensitive and loving man, and also an alpha male. He really struggled with what to do. We decided to visit a domestic violence counsellor to ask how we could intervene, given children were involved, and to ask how to cope when you're helpless to change things. I'll never forget what she said. She told us that victims of domestic abuse often leave, go back, leave, go back etc. They might reach out to family or friends for help to leave, only to turn around days later and be back in the house, back with the violence. It can be incomprehensible for those on the outside looking in, and they can eventually stop believing the person when they say they're going to leave. They lose respect, lose faith and withdraw support directly or indirectly. The counsellor said this is the worst thing outsiders can do. Quitting a violent relationship can take many attempts and the most loving thing family and friends can do is make sure they're there every time, so that when the forever time finally comes, the person is not alone and abandoned. Not only would that be devastating for them, and feed into their self-loathing, the lack of support makes it really hard to stay away. It was great for us to know the we couldn't fix it, but we could keep loving her and giving her strength, and we could make sure that she knew we'd be there when she was ready to leave. Eventually she did :)
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'cwhereitgoes' even if they don't know it.Learn to speak in the 3rd party please, your post has way too much leaning towards female. (more women are affected than men, according to statistics.)Domestic Violence is still trivialised in our criminal justice system because it is referred to as "domestic violence" when it is in fact criminal assault. Why is violence perpetrated by an intimate partner less horrific, and therefore less punishable, than violence that occurs on the street? Kiwi, you have highlighted the most dangerous time for those who have escaped a violent partner, when they leave. In Tasmania last year there were three "domestic" homicides in a space of a few months and two of those three were definitely in the danger time you highlight. Little was known about the third victim. I agree with Kiwi, get help if you are experiencing any form of non consensual violence in your relationship and/or any sort of power issues that make you uncomfortable. Here are the RED FLAGS of ABUSEAnd before the guys jump up and down, it is taken from an article for women so please excuse the strong leaning towards female. 1. Partner always speaks on behalf of his/her spouse, without acknowledging their feelings or emotions.2. Abused woman “covers” for their partner or spouse, by constantly making excuses for their “bad day” or “lack of sleep” or their “just not feeling like themselves.”3. A woman may seem overly anxious or nervous.4. A woman may jump or startle easily at the sound of loud noises, or shy away from arguments that do not involve them. May demonstrate a panic response that seems excessive for the situation. 5. A woman remains or begins to shy away from others, becomes increasingly isolated. 6. A woman may have an increasing number of illnesses or ailments that are not easily explained by the medical community, including depression.7. An increase in substance abuse, commonly alcohol and drug use. 8. Poor self-esteem. Often the self-esteem is very, very low. 9. A woman may not be able to see friends without being in the presence of her partner, or may not have “permission” to use the phone. Something may happen to her phone. 10. A woman may not have permission to drive, go to school or advance her career, do things that would allow her to become independent.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'chevtrek' 2 things on this subject 1 is you can have can have an argument and a woman will say DV to her friends for sympathy. 2 is When this does not happen and its real then in some cases it gets way out of hand. I find your comments highly offensive and totally lacking in any understanding of domestic violence. Your first comment trivialises DV and of course makes the women out to be the bitches who blow everything out of proportion. And as for your second comment, if violence is happening THINGS ALREADY ARE OUT OF HAND!!There are some excellent research papers about domestic violence, why don't you educate yourself before making stupid comments that offend!
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RHP User
11 years ago
Hugs to all. Glenn- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
In NSW there is now an indicator on Court Attendance Notices (used to be called charges) indicating that the matter is DV related. So while the indictment itself is the same (same elements to be proven) the charge itself will appear on the Court list as Common Assault - DV or Assault Occasioning Actual Bodily Harm - DV. These charges are also "fast tracked" compared to a non-DV related charge and are in every case I have seen accompanied by an Apprehended Violence Order.I take on board that the system can be open to abuse as commented earlier and this abuse is by both men and women, similar to the way the Family Court system is abused on occasion. However the vast vast vast majority of the cases of either charges or apprehended violence orders that come before the Court are very genuine. The rules relating to the police response both external (through the Courts) and internal (through standard operating procedures) are pretty clear and unyielding. Although on occasion I have a few issues in principle with witnesses being "compellable" at times and the process often does not take into account the victim's wishes about whether charges or AVO's are applied for, I cannot deny the results. In reflection, the very pro-investigation and pursuit of action where it is justifiable based on the evidence, has (in my mind at least) saved some individuals lives, prevented some assaults and overall made some difference.As a society we still have a long way to go in dealing with this issue, but we have definitely made progress over the last couple of decades.
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RHP User
11 years ago
In my experience emotional and physical abuse has been by far the most difficult to overcome. All I can say on that (in addition to comments made) is that it can seriously do your head in more so trying to understand or work out why, what if, if only I'd done this that or the other... Appologies for not having spoken in the third person and I fully acknowledge that men are affected by this also and didn't mean to exclude them. justforfunisall - I do hope you felt lighter (in a good way) after hitting the button Big thank you to everyone contributing...everything being said will go a long way towards benefiting a reader somewhere and that's got to be a good thing
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RHP User
11 years ago
Ironically she hit the button, it's just that now I am grateful she did :). All good here, I learnt a lot. The thing I have observed and lived to a degree is that there is no why? Or if only I had? Or even what if? DV is about control and not much else. In the same way that sexual assault (what used to be called rape) is a crime where control is the objective and sex is the weapon, DV is about control and the relationship and the other persons feelings are the weapons.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I would like to suggest that men don't report violence against them as much as women. I'm not claiming that men aren't the main perpetrator, but abuse is abuse. Men are emasculated to a point of shame, be it self appointed or not. If the topic is raised between mates, they're at times laughed at, and I will acknowledge that that's not always the case. But understand, that's how they feel, even if they're not being laughed at, they feel as though people are. Thoughts of "who'd believe me that my 5'1 wife attacks me when I'm 5'11 ?" Women are reduced to equally similar levels of shame, and embarrassment. The one common theme to abuse victims is their emotional state. They've been reduced to a state of pure emptiness. Quite often, when there are kids involved, they stay to make sure their children are safe. The thought processes understandably reduce to "at least if their hitting me, they're leaving the kids alone." Until the kids become self aware and assume the protector. My own story, many people know about, and even after 4 years of separation I still find it hard to let go, and concentrate on me, as I still feel guilty if I move forward to pursue my happiness. But that's a whole different story.- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'justforfunisall' In NSW there is now an indicator on Court Attendance Notices (used to be called charges) indicating that the matter is DV related. So while the indictment itself is the same (same elements to be proven) the charge itself will appear on the Court list as Common Assault - DV or Assault Occasioning Actual Bodily Harm - DV. These charges are also "fast tracked" compared to a non-DV related charge and are in every case I have seen accompanied by an Apprehended Violence Order.I take on board that the system can be open to abuse as commented earlier and this abuse is by both men and women, similar to the way the Family Court system is abused on occasion. However the vast vast vast majority of the cases of either charges or apprehended violence orders that come before the Court are very genuine. The rules relating to the police response both external (through the Courts) and internal (through standard operating procedures) are pretty clear and unyielding. Although on occasion I have a few issues in principle with witnesses being "compellable" at times and the process often does not take into account the victim's wishes about whether charges or AVO's are applied for, I cannot deny the results. In reflection, the very pro-investigation and pursuit of action where it is justifiable based on the evidence, has (in my mind at least) saved some individuals lives, prevented some assaults and overall made some difference.As a society we still have a long way to go in dealing with this issue, but we have definitely made progress over the last couple of decades. Thanks for your insightful and intelligent comments Justforfun. I know things are improving however I became somewhat jaded in Tasmania where "Safe @ Home" was introduced but they didn't bother doing values training with police and courts and so women reporting violence are still met with "the genuine victim" paradigm and notions of "she asked for it". Two of the murders I mentioned could have been prevented if the perpetrators had been gaoled. And because they have the legislation, there is no evaluation of whether it is working by the Justice Department or police. I was a part of the local DV coordinating committee and the evidence from the coalface clearly suggests that the legislation is NOT working.I have hope that with all the community action around the issue and the governments funding of innovative prevention programs, we may one day become a society where we can all live free of fear of violence in our homes. Meanwhile 1800RESPECT is a national line that you can call to talk to someone about DV in your relationships. CheersRed
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RHP User
11 years ago
I work with people caught in violent relationships, yet I didn't realise how abusive mine had become until the last year. My ex never raised a hand to me, but loved to call me incompetent, crazy, stupid etc. Then today I met with a lady whose partner had choked her so hard last night she barely had a voice. Yet she is not ready to leave. Heartbreaking stuff.
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RHP User
11 years ago
To a successful prosecution remains victim testimony. Who wants to give evidence against a loved one. Even when false allegations of child abuse were made in my family law matter, I know I dreaded the possibility of taking the stand because regardless of how we were at that point it had been someone I loved (over that now) and whatever else she was, she was the mother of my children. And that wasn't a criminal Court. It is a hard thing and there are no easy solutions.breaks your heart when they are telling you that deep down they love their partner and don't want action taken in that hoarse croaky voice doesn't it Mes...and it feels like anything you do isn't really helping much.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'justforfunisall' breaks your heart when they are telling you that deep down they love their partner and don't want action taken in that hoarse croaky voice doesn't it Mes...and it feels like anything you do isn't really helping much. Sometimes all you can do is be there.
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madotara69
11 years ago
Please feel comfortable to tell me I am wrong.Your emotions are running strong now, and you are questioning what all this means as a part for any worth. You sit with hurting people and feel helpless. It is especially hurting more so now than ever, not for yourself but for them. And what can you do. You have just spoken of your trauma, and that is not an everyday experience.The thing is, you are learning what lays within people, understanding your emotions is by far the strongest way for seeing into others, It is not what you do that helps others, it is what you are. And what you are is kind, and that is most of all what hurting people need. Where you feel helpless with these people, you need to be sure that you are there at the start. Mark my words please, you will make a difference, and you should look forward to that.And the Start can be a very big step, not many will take it if they do not feel they are worthwhile, find the best in them.You have just found the best in you.We have just found the best in youMado
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thank you for this topic, it is one close to my heart. You talk about stages, and here are the stages of behaviour change I see in my job every day: 1. Pre-contemplative (Unaware of the severity of the abuse or unwilling to leave for various reasons) 2. Contemplative (Considering the need to make changes) 3. Preparing (Making a plan and finding out what is needed to be able to get away) 4. Action (Leaving or trying to leave) 5. Maintaining (Not returning to the abusive relationship) I've met people who were ready to get out of their abusive relationships and took action, but also many who would present with severe injuries, but remained at stage 1. Unfortunately a lot of people will not make it to stage five. Some will defend their partners and stay. Many will return to them. Some will die. There are so many reasons for not leaving. A lot of victims love their partner. Many will be dependant on them, financially or otherwise. I've met both men and women who told me they only stayed because they would be murdered otherwise. It's a constant struggle that can be hard to understand. I do "get" a fair bit of it after all these years, but will never understand all of it. Some very impressive Domestic Violence awareness ads from around the world can be found here: http://www.buzzfeed.com/copyranter/the-most-brutal-domestic-violence-awareness-ads
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thank you all. Never knew it could be mental and I just realised ive been a victim of it for 2yrs now but with a close female friend going through a divorce. Seems that while im supporting her (known her all my life to not too) she's been mentally putting me down and kicking me from whats going on between her hub and her. I guess I might need to have a talk and possibly cut ties. You shouldn't treat friends who try help that way either. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Domestic violence is very miss understood. Its complexities are so deep, its causes vast as the sky.The act of violence should never be tolerated, and in Australia it is not. DV, if reported, it is investigated. If there is any evidence the instigators will see court and will feel the law. The police MUST investigate each and every reported incidence and have powers way above the normal legal systems. My ex wife (god bless the evil bitch) was a psychologist and was involve in many cases that involved children and being of keen mind we disused cases many times.Psychology is an art, literary its a arts degree. It is so because human emotions and behaviour is not yet a science, its ambiguity and complexity is still beyond science. Its guess work, educated but still just guess work.The horror of DV in some cases is horrific, sometime it is not savage but the lengthy and subtle. We as a society struggle drawing the line where domestic violence starts. We do not recognize that it exists outside of civil union and is present in a wide variety of human interactions, from the work place, friends, acquaintances bonded by need, marriage, family.It is born from familiarity, it is a result of emotional investment, expectations, need, promises, mental illness, history and more.Alcohol is so prevalent in cases. If some how that could be removed from society DV rate would drop dramatically.Domestic violence can leave long reaching scares that last a life time. A woman abused may never again be able to trust and love and will isolate her self, a man abusing can also be damage by is action and never trust and love and will isolate him self.OK this is where I am going to get slapped but this is what it is and untill it is understood we can not move forward.There are people in this world that enjoy hurting people, that do so with intent for no other reason then there own enjoyment and gain. These people should be removed from society and never seen again. But they are exceedingly rare. I would be surprised that any here have ever met one like that. Seldom is domestic violence an act of evil.Women are equaly prone to instantiating domestic violence as men. This is a fact that the health systems struggle with.Domestic violence has become strongly stereo typed in the general public, the legal system, and in the health system.It is human nature to be emotional, it is a natural condition born of evolution. Frustration, fear, anger, jealousy, loss are the primary instigators of violent behavior.That seldom blame can not be shared. All parties involved must except blame. Exception is children for they are the great suffers of domestic violence and most never even are directly in harms way.And this is the bit that really really sucks. Almost all have deep remorse yet can not find a means to escape what they fear the most.So Now I stand tall. I would like others to do so to. This here may be my death bed but if we can not understand our self domestic violence will for ever live on.My acts of shame.I have raised my voice in anger and screamed as loud as I can so all can here my pain.I in frustration have used emotional black mail to get my gain.I in jealousy have turned my back with spite, to hurt, only to beg to be back.I in loss, was provocateur to violence on me. Then to whimper and hope for their return.I in disrepair have have used muscle and strength to demand attention.I have cryed, I have shame, and remorse. I have had anger, frustration and pain. Is it just me. Should I be looked up. What makes me the freak.These are my sins. Not something I happily share. But i do so as a human, as emotional susceptible. As not perfect.I do so as to help us all. For while so many hide behind there presented perfection, we will never make progress.Who else here can be human. Or as I think you all are part of the problem that makes domestic violence strong. Every one is perfect except me.Come on one of you must be human, there must be at least one sin, or am I just a freak.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'sirlurkalot'I would like to suggest that men don't report violence against them as much as women. I'm not claiming that men aren't the main perpetrator, but abuse is abuse. Men are emasculated to a point of shame, be it self appointed or not. If the topic is raised between mates, they're at times laughed at, and I will acknowledge that that's not always the case. But understand, that's how they feel, even if they're not being laughed at, they feel as though people are. Thoughts of "who'd believe me that my 5'1 wife attacks me when I'm 5'11 ?"
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RHP User
11 years ago
...please don't think for a second that you are not helping. Bear with me on this as I'm not sure how much sense it will make (if any); I'm a firm believer in people coming into our lives for a reason. In keeping with that, the people that come into contact with you in your line of work need to come into contact with you specifically. For whatever reason, you are able to help these people in a way that nobody else can. You don't have to know how or even why, just know that you are. It could be nothing more than simply being with/for them at that moment but that could be all that is need at that time. The information alone that each of you have provided has been invaluable as have the people have chosen to share their own stories.
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lovman8
11 years ago
I think is positive that the subject of domestic violence is raised on a site like this. Domestic violence is never acceptable in any form by either gender, and too often it is not discussed or hidden or ignore or even by some men laughed off. I think that lack of respect shown between people, particularly by men towards women is very disappointing and appalling. It also seems to me it may be increasing possibly due to the abundance of porn available these days. I must admit that while being a porn consumerI find the lack of respect and objectifying of women in some porn very upsetting and disturbing. And it makes me uncomfortable that sometimes I am still turned on by it. At times the attitude some men seem to have towards women as shown by domestic violence and in some porn makes me ashamed of my gender. And on a site like this where in some sexual relationships we play with dominance and submission the lines can be very blurred. Rough sex can be a very grey area as far as violence is concerned.I admire the courage of all who have suffered DV and are willing to openly discuss there experience. More power to you and I hope this in some small way lessens the problem
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RHP User
11 years ago
Kudos. No moral high ground here. I too am human, and have made mistakes as well as committed sins. These heavy stones around my neck are not for throwing, but for laying down now. I don't even know if that made sense, but that's ok. Thank you.
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subgal_gc
11 years ago
I was a victim of DV and reported the assault to the police who responded with the statement "what do you want me to do about it"....you can imagine my shock. But I should have expected it from them as we were living in my ex's home town and I was considered an outsider. It took me a bit of self reflection to get the guts to expose his abuse to others and came about one night at the bar when everyone was going on about how good a guy he was. I stood up, removed my top and showed everyone the bruises I was sporting from my shoulder to my hips!! You might ask why I stayed... it was both a combination of shame and financial restraint. I didn't want to admit to my family that I was with a guy that would abuse me and I also had no funds to my name at that point in time. It all came to a head on Christmas day when my mum rang me and I broke down, she then contacted a couple of my best mates and they informed me that if I didn't come home then they would be come and get me... I was more worried about what they would do to my ex (and the resulting charges they would face) then what my ex would do to me. I found some cash lying around the house while packing and used that to get me and the dog out of there!! It took me a while to accept that I did nothing to deserve being assaulted and abused by ex and I have since then made the decision to not allow anyone to treat me that way again.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Mesmerised' Kudos. No moral high ground here. I too am human, and have made mistakes as well as committed sins. These heavy stones around my neck are not for throwing, but for laying down now. I don't even know if that made sense, but that's ok. Thank you. I understand, but maybe every day chip away even if it hurts. Forgive your self, forgive others a little bit at a time. Each chip and you will see a little deeper at what you are and with that see into others. Fear is part of life, but fear can be overcome and it helps to know that you are not as burdens next time you may have to duck and run.Forgive me, I am presumptuous. It is my nature. And thank you I was expecting a stoning. But then how else can I learn to better forgive.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Emotional violence is also out there and very difficult to prove, practiced by both sexes it can inflict lifelong wounds and even kill.If you know of someone on the receiving end, please give them your ear and your time, it maybe the only hope they have.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Domestic violence is an immensely serious issue, made much much worse by the fiendish difficulties of exposing it (obstacles to complaint by victims, the culture of concealment, police ignorance, the 's/he must have deserved it' syndrome.It is heartening to see on an avowedly hedonistic site a serious discussion. Those who have been victims, please accept a virtual hug from me; those who are fighting to deal with it likewise. The courts and the law and even some police are working to make it easier to deal with the issues in a formal sense, those who work with victims are with skills and bravery and commitment tiptoeing near to the bruised souls of the victims to offer comfort and succour. Strength to all of you and thank you.Can I respectfully suggest just this; if you know someone who is, or may, be in this vile circumstance, try to think of a way in which you can help. Not always easy, not always possible, but generally worth a try.Finallly, Biindman - no one on this planet has not done something of which they are deeply ashamed. Be kind to yourself.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I take on board what Mesmerised and Mado have both said and I am always happy to help where I can, even if it is just being there. What I meant to express was that I hate that feeling of helplessness when you can't do more. I know and accept often all I can do is be there, it is just something I personally find difficult. Being helpless is probably my only real fear. I seem to have missed out on a lot of the other major fears but that feeling of helplessness scares the bejesus out of me.also had a peek at the website Mesmerised posted, interesting and pulls no punches!And dickfulloflove (man that is truly weird typing that!), only you will really know the answer to this one but is your friend lashing out at you because she is comfortable enough to do so and her life is in a lot of turmoil? Or is she the kind of person who has always been that way? Just my own thoughts here, no judgement attached, but if it is the former and if you can stand it, you may be giving her exactly what she needs right now......an outlet. Not meaning to excuse the behaviour, but it may be a very short lived thing, so if you can "hack it" and if it is symptomatic rather than a pattern it may help a lot if you hung around.Blindman, I appreciate the post and the sentiment. I have no intention of throwing the first stone, we all have our imperfections, I DEFINITELY do. The thing that keeps me gang is that I have choices yet to make as well and hopefully in the future I can do better than I have done today.Lovman makes a bit of a point about crossover between a BDSM relationship and DV. I am sure in some cases there is DV present in some of those relationships even though there really shouldn't be. I was seeing a girl once who really really got aroused by being spanked very very hard. That was a it difficult for me at times when she would moan "harder" even though I could see her body's very positive reaction to it. What it came down to in that circumstance for me was telling her that I didn't want to hurt her in a way that she didn't like being hurt. I meant that emotionally and physically. BDSM is only something I have dabbled in and pretty much only in the Dom role so far. I would be interested in comments from some of the BDSM aficionado's out there because from my limited understanding, DV should be a separate thing.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Lovman makes a bit of a point about crossover between a BDSM relationship and DV. I am sure in some cases there is DV present in some of those relationships even though there really shouldn't be. I was seeing a girl once who really really got aroused by being spanked very very hard. That was a it difficult for me at times when she would moan "harder" even though I could see her body's very positive reaction to it. What it came down to in that circumstance for me was telling her that I didn't want to hurt her in a way that she didn't like being hurt. I meant that emotionally and physically. BDSM is only something I have dabbled in and pretty much only in the Dom role so far. I would be interested in comments from some of the BDSM aficionado's out there because from my limited understanding, DV should be a separate thing. Anyone who is into BDSM will assure you that any play is safe, sane and consensual. When I first dabbled I had major conflicts especially as I ahve been an anti-violence campaigner for years. After much discussion with my then lover, I overcame my conflict because what I was doing was consensual and he really believed that the bondage and discipline helped him get his head clear. In the course of my work I was questioned about BDSM and I ended up doing a lot of research and spoke to many people involved in the scene. I ended up attending play parties and was accepted into the community. If play is not consensual, it is assault, just like any other assault. In the small community I was in, there were people who tried to use the BDSM scene to practice unsafe, non-consensual sexual behaviour. To the rest of the community, they were rapists and sexual assault perpetrators and their victims were encouraged to report the assaults/rapes. Our community provided information sessions for newcomers to the lifestyle and the first thing we were encouraged to do was to define our limits. This is important as not being clear can leave you vulnerable. Don't be confused, if someone wants pain and you are ok giving it to them, this is considered consensual. Only you can decide for yourself what is safe and sane. I know for myself, its not something I want to do every day but if I met someone who wanted to play within my limits, and whom I trusted, I would go there again. Its an amazing learning curve about trust and negotiation and allowing ones self to be vulnerable and honouring someone else's vulnerability and trust. I hope this helps
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madotara69
11 years ago
You expressed that fine, maybe I did not. It is what they can take with them.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Still nothing.Till we can take comfort that we are not machines, we leave a world open to the corruption of perfect beings. Easy to say we all do wrong. So much harder to express what it was. I understand the fear. Especially the meek, comfort of others is kind when injured.How strange that many will express that the fear for family, who rally to defend, is right. Who in equal violence will seek revenge for you sufferance. That fear is for them that they may feel the law. Never a thought at all to the lost in regret.Shame.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Blindman67' Fear is part of life, but fear can be overcome and it helps to know that you are not as burdens next time you may have to duck and run. Forgive me, I am presumptuous. It is my nature. Luckily no fear here, just the knowledge that I would leave much earlier if I ever saw these behaviours in a man again. My ex was (and is) a good guy, whose midlife crisis slowly turned him into an angry man. He admitted this, but unfortunately he was unwilling to seek or accept help. I've met many perpetrators of D/V in my life, both men and women. A lot the time their childhoods were horrific. One young man watched his dad shoot and kill his mum when he was a child. He now assaults his girlfriend, and doesn't understand why. All we can do is be a place where both of them can talk, without feeling judged. But it's still hard. And like justforfun said, it breaks my heart sometimes to not be able to do more.
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RHP User
11 years ago
1 thing is for sure, we have all either been involved one way or another. Whether either knowing of a scenario, that being knowledge of a victim or perpetrator, or being involved directly one way or the other. The old quote "evil will triumph when good men do nothing", also applies to when good women do nothing.....Great topic btw
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RHP User
11 years ago
One sentence, from a complete stranger, on a dating/sex site, and 15yrs of grief articulated, with heart smashing words.Words I have use are, dead inside, frightened like a terrified child, sadness that makes your bones ache, and deep loneliness that gives you the feeling of utter worthlessness and uselessness as a human being.Justforfun. - Bless your heart. you are a balancing out of my experience. ……….What do you do, when the perb is a cop. Statement, no a question…….. Blindman,.- Everybody has had their freak on, at some level, and after felt some regret, shame, guilt,. Some cross the line, unendingly, without your reflection, and with no remise, ever, and never will. I use my stones to step on, and move ever forward. Kiwi - Good one, beautiful. I wonder how many you have helped/saved, by your Topic posting. Mesmerised. - Thanks for the insight, from the other side of this sad story. Trust me, there will be people, that will never forget you, and hold you close to their hearts forever. *Collects self together after tears of rawness revisited*Hey guys, I could do with a group hug right now. Sorry, I can't reply with more length or depth, and to all contributors to night, but please know, that simply listening can be enough. I press the button with some trepidation, to show vulnerability and gaping wounds, but who knows who is reading these very words, and the penny drops into the possibilities that life can be different, better, and actually worth living with respect. Who knows………
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RHP User
11 years ago
I said on another thread when talking about picking yourself up after divorce, when it is one of those days you wander around the house trying to work out what to do with yourself...."It gets better" and truly it does :). As for your other question, same as everyone else, if anything it tends to be a little more of a conservative approach owing to the ready access to a firearm. Uncomfortable and something I have had to deal with while working, but just as I believe in the principles of a fair trial and a right to silence (I don't exactly have a right to silence ironically lol) I also very firmly believe in the principle that under the rule of law we are "all equal before the law". The way it has to be, Plato worked that out when he spoke of the guardians in his work The Republic :)Only advice I would give velvet is to stay strong, lean on others when you need to (they really don't mind) and as I said..."it gets better"A lot better!
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Beachlover1999
11 years ago
I am glad hes dead, because on 10/12/12 he stopped being able to hurt and manipulate. I wrote my post, I had hoped impartially, apologies that I failed but it is personal. I spent my life protecting my Mum, it shouldnt have been that way but it was, my Mum was brow beaten from psychological damage way before I was born. He abused us both but we now survive, I have a relationship with my Mum now I never could, we tell can each other 'I love you', we can hug each other and we both have self esteem and dignity......none of which we could do when he was alive....... I am a survivor not a victim!!!!! 😃😃- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Beachlover1999' I am glad hes dead, because on 10/12/12 he stopped being able to hurt and manipulate. I wrote my post, I had hoped impartially, apologies that I failed but it is personal. I spent my life protecting my Mum, it shouldnt have been that way but it was, my Mum was brow beaten from psychological damage way before I was born. He abused us both but we now survive, I have a relationship with my Mum now I never could, we tell can each other 'I love you', we can hug each other and we both have self esteem and dignity......none of which we could do when he was alive....... I am a survivor not a victim!!!!! 😃😃- Posted from rhpmobile There have been so many honest and heartfelt posts on this topic. Some people are courageous in sharing their experiences. I have my own story and have no desire to share it because it is so far in the past now. Of course it impacted me and contributed to my decision to be a community worker and my activism around the issue of domestic violence. Beachlover, I salute and respect you for your uncompromising honesty. Well said
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RHP User
11 years ago
I grew up in a house with Physical, Mental and Sexual abuse... whilst I didn't know better at the time I thought it was me, that I deserved it. Sometimes people forget how impressionable children can be even if the pain is not always inflicted directly on them.To this end, I can safely say that whilst I went through a lot of unspeakable things growing up, the end result is the person I am today. Not always the happiest most outgoing person but seeing what Mum and Dad did to each other and what Mum, Dad and my older Brother did to me over the years has made me a very centered, tolerant and calm person.And whilst I'm not proud of what I did earlier this year, I am glad to say I did and will always stand up in any domestic violence situation I see and defend the person being abused.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I was such a fiesty young person..and at a very vulnerable time met a older and more dominant person...when there should have been support to help me there wasnt and over times the only person helping you is the one hurting you....I remember the person I was and wondered where she went. The amount of times you try to get out and it fails only because no one knew how he treated me privately and the stigma associated with it that you never tell. The violence that turns to emotional abuse, you become one person at home and another when with your friends and family. I do realise that this abuse is also how you let other people treat you and Im glad I have no contact with that person anymore as I know he would still be using me in one way or another.
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RHP User
11 years ago
"One sentence, from a complete stranger, on a dating/sex site, and 15yrs of grief articulated, with heart smashing words." Erm.....I don't really know if this is a good statement or if I've upset you......sorry if I did upset you it wasn't my intention.- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
One of the reservations I had with regards to my initial post was that I'm not on here enough to keep up. I would just like to say thanks again to everybody that has contributed to this topic. My heart goes out to every single person sharing their story, as does my respect and admiration for you all in that everything that you have all been through and more importantly as Beachlover1999 mentioned in her own story - "survived". Thank you justforfunisall, singingred and mesmerised; your posts were extremely informative and opened up the topic so much more so than I could have hoped to. bbwfat - I'm so sorry you had to go through of that to get to where you are now. I hope things continue to get better for both you and your son. sirlurkalot - "I still feel guilty if I move forward to pursue my happiness" I'm not aware of your story but I don't think anybody should ever feel guilty for pursuing their own happiness. I don't think we can really expect to be truly happy with anyone else if we are not truly happy in our own right. Beachlover1999 - me too - whoa!!! - what singingred said RedVelvetRose - "Mesmerised. - Thanks for the insight, from the other side of this sad story. Trust me, there will be people, that will never forget you, and hold you close to their hearts forever" I second that RedVelvetRose - "I press the button with some trepidation, to show vulnerability and gaping wounds, but who knows who is reading these very words, and the penny drops into the possibilities that life can be different, better, and actually worth living with respect. Who knows………" Big hugs from me and if you don't mind I'd like to take that a little further and apply it to all that has been said throughout this topic.
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RHP User
11 years ago
People familiar with me will know that I'm a firm believer in exploring the grey areas and playing devil's advocate. I thought long and hard before doing this in what is a very confronting topic but have decided to offer some counterpoints in the hope of making both sides more understandable. Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall had a tumultuous, frenzied, emotional relationship. There were legendary violent arguments and fights between them, each giving as good as they got. They never fell out of love and even today, aged eighty eight, Bacall still describes Bogey as the love of her life. I knew a couple who were going through a bad spell and she did everything she could to provoke him into violence so that she could make him out to be the bad guy. He always controlled his temper, never struck out at her but she told stories about him anyway. Not to the police or the courts, just to family and friends to turn them against him. The kids weren't swayed, they were old enough to see and understand what was going on. He moved on with his life and found happiness elsewhere while she remains a bitter, lonely woman. Another couple I knew really threw me for a loop. He was diagnosed with aspergers, a form of autism. People with aspergers find it nearly impossible to control their emotions and he was violent with her on many occasions. The woman was a friend of mine and when I found out about the abuse, I was ready to do something about it. This was before I was aware of his condition and she insisted that I stay out of it. As I got to know them better as a couple, I could see that he regretted his actions after he was able to cool down and always questioned why she stayed with him. It wasn't the classic case of him being a control freak and beating her into submission when he didn't get his own way, he was simply lashing out when he reached his limits. We all do that but his limits were reached sooner than most. What surprised me the most in this situation was how antagonistic my friend could be with her husband. Being fully aware of his condition and his short temper, she could be very difficult and confrontational at times. I found myself feeling sorry for both of them at the same time. They have long since split and make far better friends then they ever were as a couple. Another couple I know survived a period of domestic violence. He had lived his entire life without raising a hand to a woman until his partner, after an emotional breakdown, became a substance abuser. The first time he hit her was when he caught her driving with their infant children in the car while being well and truly under the influence. He just snapped and slapped her across the face. As her lies and substance abuse increased, so did his violent reaction. He loved her too much to leave her but couldn't tolerate her constantly putting the children in harm's way. Eventually, he knew he had to leave and started packing up the kids to leave. This was when she called the police to report the DV to stop him. The police arrested and charged him. The thing that amazed me the most was that, while the police were fully aware of her condition, they left the children alone with her although she was not fit to care for them. When she sobered up and realised what she had done, she tried to have the charges dropped but the police refused. To save her family, she voluntarily went into rehab and to her eternal credit, she has been clean ever since and he has never again raised his hand to her. I know that he regrets ever having hit her and they remain together, a very loving couple. I know that the vast majority of cases don't involve such extenuating circumstances. Usually it's simply a case of one party wanting their own way in all aspects of the relationship and resorting to any means to attain this but sometimes it's not so black and white.
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madotara69
11 years ago
I was listening to the ABC, an interview discussion as a man with aspergers and his stories, living with a son who had been diagnosed as such. It is a relatively new diagnoses, many live undiagnosed.The star of "The Big Bang Theory" is Based on the Fathers stories. As In most cases along side the frustration to control temper, comes a stroke of genius for the ability to focus on something. What was most interesting is that science is estimating one in ninety people have the condition.Which means we all know someone with this condition.I am glad you bought that up.Mado
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'jensman1903' "I know that the vast majority of cases don't involve such extenuating circumstances." "but sometimes it's not so black and white." I generally try to see things from all angles so not only do I appreciate your post (which was very well done I might add)but I have to say that I agree with what your saying.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I was bracing myself for the fallout. I expected to be torn to shreds for posting that.
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RHP User
11 years ago
One of those stories is familiar to me. Thank you for sharing with the forum readers.
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RHP User
11 years ago
and only 4 about something serious
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RHP User
11 years ago
You know I've loved nearly every post you've posted. Especially the fishing trips.... :p- Posted from rhpmobile
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madotara69
11 years ago
jensman Maybe Tara felt like tearing you to pieces, when she saw your snake. hehe It is in her nature, though pleasantly painless.We are sure Jenny lee, would understand the animal magnetism. Mado,Tara xx
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RHP User
11 years ago
That's one reason I am thankful that guilt or innocence is determined by a Court. One ing I have learned is that sometimes good people do bad things and sometimes bad people do good things. A simplistic expression and there are many many shades of grey about the characterisation of a person as good or bad, but the point is that we are all capable of choosing what we do. This judgement may well be impaired by factors such as greatly heightened emotions as you describe, mental illness or disorder.....many things.One thing I have been struck by in the past that seems to resonate with part of what you are saying is that where one is deliberately goading or provoking the other (and that does happen a lot), those behaviours constitute DV as well. When the person pushed responds physically, suddenly they become the perpetrator where a few moments before they were the victim. While a lot of DV matters seem clear cut or black and white, I definitely agree with you that a fair number are firmly in the grey. Part of the conundrum and can be very confusing for all involved, the parties themselves and others who are called on to intervene or to try and improve the situation. There are often few simple answers and there is often a lot of thought that goes on before decisions are made as to what course of action is best. That choice too is often pretty grey.
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madotara69
11 years ago
kiwiBredYou have brought some fine people to the table.Mado
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madotara69
11 years ago
Unfortunately, it is often a Barristers defense against legal aid. They get payed well to destroy a victims Character. We just hope that there is a good judge to see past that. I guess that it is part of the grey, that legal aid is finding it difficult to fund and appoint a barrister to the people. I am seeing your posts a little clearer. It does not change my first thoughts, though changes my view for yours. The people need you.RespectfullyMado, Tara, our family and friends and all of those who count on you.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thanks Mado, appreciated but it wasn't me that did that ...I mighta got the ball rolling but each post was significant in bringing someone else to the table. Having said that, I do hope you include yourselves amongst these fine people.
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RHP User
11 years ago
When I write I tend to write fairly formally and sometimes it comes across as lacking in passion for a subject. Glad to hear we a re a bit more on the same wavelength Mado. Always enjoy your posts and your sense of humour in some of the other threads. One of my other big passions (again because of contact through work) is mental illness. A topic about that gets me quite fired up, like with DV. Both subjects where there is a lot of grey, a lot of misunderstanding and often once there is some understanding.....a great deal of compassion.
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madotara69
11 years ago
KiwiBred My thing did not involve any violence, so it does not really belong in this thread. It probably did not belong in the thread I posted it either come to think of it.I did post a thread as a victim of sexual assault, though it was aimed at people getting cranky with each other for being themselves and joking around with topics, even sensitive issues. It was to say that everyone saying whatever was supporting people who have suffered. And as a victim I at least would feel a lot more lonely if people felt they needed to tip toe around in case of hurting my feelings.Sorry KiwiBred, I can't remember which thread I posted my story.Mado
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madotara69
11 years ago
Quoting 'KiwiBred' Thanks Mado, appreciated but it wasn't me that did that ...I mighta got the ball rolling but each post was significant in bringing someone else to the table. Having said that, I do hope you include yourselves amongst these fine people. Need a big table, you haven't seen all of me yet
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RHP User
11 years ago
I found your story...from what I've seen your a bloody cheeky bugga (in the best possible way lol) but you are also a good man with a heart of gold and a shinning example of the good that comes out of the bad. As I see it, life, circumstances, events and people can change in an instant. We are all faced with struggles/challenges in one form or another and some face more than others. They prompt us to shift in values and shape who we are as individuals. As horrific and soul shattering as some may be, and I know it is not always the case, but for the most part there is a lot of good to come out it (in hindsight of course). I mean people are stronger and wiser on so many levels for what they have gone through. I think you said it best in your first post on this thread Mado about the importance of letting go and not taking it out on and hurting other people.
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RHP User
11 years ago
'People with aspergers find it nearly impossible to control their emotions' In some ways yes, this is true. But..... as a someone who works closely with children with disabilities (and has done so for longer than I would like to admit), I do not believe this gives anyone the right to behave in this manner. All of these children are able to learn 'good behaviour' verses 'bad behaviour' and what is socially acceptable behaviour, I don't believe it is a valid excuse for DV. Jensman, I know this is not what you were saying but it really annoys me when I hear people saying "that's ok because he/she has a disability". Mado, all of us have some tendencies that belong on the ASD spectrum, it's how we deal with those tendencies that is part of what makes us who we are. Sorry I'll get off my high horse! I didn't mean to rant but this gets a bite from me every time. As someone who has been in an abusive relationship I found it disheartening the way the victims are treated. I had a DVO against the man I had been seeing and yet the police seemed powerless in actually stopping him from breeching it. I had many trips to and spent many days in hospital suffering from broken bones, dislocations etc but until this is rectified I see many people suffering far more than I did. I don't consider myself a victim, I got out and continue to face each day but the impact on my self esteem and confidence remain. Some days I feel almost like the woman I was before this relationship but I still have many bad days as well as I am not long free. I guess it's a matter of time. I celebrate the day I gained my freedom, I hope that those suffering in a DV relationship are also able to gain their freedom and I hope no other members of family or friends ever have to deal with it, in any form. Day by day, those of us who have survived, fight to get stronger and fight to free ourselves from the emotional damage (not to mention any physical injuries as well) that was inflicted upon us. The memories remain. My heart goes out to others that have suffered at the hands of another, regardless of gender.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Until you don't. Then and only then you cease to be a victim.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Wasn't offering excuses. In each case, the violence is still wrong. The term, "extenuating circumstances" actually means, "more understandable" not excusable. We are all human and therefore inherently flawed. We all have our breaking point where we have endured as much as we can and then we snap and lash out. Obviously this point for a person with aspergers will reach that point much, much sooner. In some other cases, the violence may actually be a case of give and take with both parties being equally guilty. When this happens, it will usually be only the male partner that will be prosecuted.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Years ago I had a very violent partner. Up until meeting him I'd always considered myself too smart to get tangled up with a abusive man and I had looked at women that stayed with men that hurt them as weak or deluded, boy was I in for a rude awakening. I had just separated from a 4 year relationship and had a lot of guilt for things I had done while I was with him. I think that made me more susceptible to being abused. Because I got to a stage of thinking that whatever he did I deserved. That I was everything he said I was. But as his attacks got more violent and he threatened my elderly grandparents I called the police. All he did was hide when they arrived and then come back later when they left. It took 40 mins for them to respond to my call and I lost all faith in any help from them. I had to get him to leave the town where we were living in before I knew my family would be safe. By this point I had no love for him at all but I was so scared that if he couldn't get to me he would harm them. It was hell I did everything to keep him happy to keep him calm but nothing worked. He would just get a thought in his head and then there was nothing but fear and terror. I got free of him when he went to jail on unrelated offences. I didn't realise how much of myself I had lost while I was with him. I believed at the time that with him away from me all my problems were over. But its not that easy. I distrusted most people I was what my counsellor called hyper alert all the time. I became a shadow of myself . It took awhile to stop seeing myself as a victim and to realise I am a survivor and when I could look at things differently its like I could breath again. I understand the grey areas but I also know that one hit can kill. And if children are involved then you have to really look long and hard at the whole picture. Im sorry if I seem to be getting up on a soap box here but my ex partner has since stabbed 2 people and poured petrol on his most recent GF lucky for her the lighter failed to work. I think its rare cases that DV stops and a lot of the victims of DV are susceptible to being abused again by their next partner and children that witness abuse can become abusers or become the victims of abuse themselves more easily. That's not to say that its a given that that will happen. I'm not sure how this is all supposed to stop. But I can say if you know someone experiencing DV that being there for them is so important. And you are so right Justforfunisall it is hard to push the button . but if anything I have said can help then it has been worth it.
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madotara69
11 years ago
What is the ASD spectrum?
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RHP User
11 years ago
I forgot about waking up one morning and realising how much of me I had let go. I had lost some pretty important parts of me along the way. Thankfully most of those bits can be rediscovered, at least for me. Some are still MIA though, you've given me something else to ponder now...
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'justforfunisall'I forgot about waking up one morning and realising how much of me I had let go. It was when my ex went overseas that I realised the energy in the house changed dramatically overnight. It was suddenly a happy place, and I noticed our dogs were much more relaxed as well.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'justforfunisall'I forgot about waking up one morning and realising how much of me I had let go. It was when my ex went overseas that I realised the energy in the house changed dramatically overnight. It was suddenly a happy place, and I noticed our dogs were much more relaxed as well. That's when I realised how bad it had really become and I decided that I would end our relationship as soon as he returned.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I wasn't that smart lol
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RHP User
11 years ago
Is that there is far less support for men in this situation than women. Anyone know of some good resources for a man in this situation?
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RHP User
11 years ago
Check this out: "One in three victims of family violence is male." http://www.oneinthree.com.au/malevictims It has information, resources and personal stories.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'madotara69'What is the ASD spectrum? This is the Autistic Spectrum Disorder. It's a range of tendencies that all people show some of, like having to follow a certain routine to do things. A simple example is having to put their left sock on, then the right and then left shoe followed by right shoe. When people show a lot of these tendencies they are considered part of the spectrum. The people with a higher IQ are considered Asperger's while those with a lower IQ or an Intellectual Impairment (the disability) they are considered Autistic.
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madotara69
11 years ago
Quoting 'nibbleme' Quoting 'madotara69'What is the ASD spectrum? This is the Autistic Spectrum Disorder. It's a range of tendencies that all people show some of, like having to follow a certain routine to do things. A simple example is having to put their left sock on, then the right and then left shoe followed by right shoe. When people show a lot of these tendencies they are considered part of the spectrum. The people with a higher IQ are considered Asperger's while those with a lower IQ or an Intellectual Impairment (the disability) they are considered Autistic. I think I may share the full range of the spectrum, as 1#... I have trouble finding my shoes and socks. And 2#... When I eat my Smarties I eat the red ones last. heheWhich leaves me to the awareness, with and of having the intellectual capacity of a toasted muffin.Thanks nibbleme
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RHP User
11 years ago
Nah you're safe Mado! If you don't know where your shoes and socks are, you're all good! lol If you had one place for your shoes and someone was to move them you would feel the need to shift them back to where they belong. Often shoes have to be set up according to colours, age or comfort level. As for the smarties.....you're not alone there. That is a fairly common tendency :-) 'The intellectual capacity of a toasted muffin' lmao! That's a new one, I like :-) Again, you are safe. I can easily read your posts without having to sound out each word so I'm thinking you don't have an intellectual impairment :-p Now I just sound like a nerd :-(
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RHP User
11 years ago
The men's shed in their local area has some really good resources as well. At the very least they can put a bloke in the right direction.- Posted from rhpmobile
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madotara69
11 years ago
This is the perfect thread for sounding like a nerd nibbleme, So where would an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder fit in to all this?I like the way you explain your thoughts, it shows you have a strong sense of care in this topic.Mado
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RHP User
11 years ago
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is part of the Spectrum :-p Usually people will be diagnosed with OCD if that is the only notable section on the spectrum.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I just wanted to say thank you to all who have shared their journeys & insights here. I have not had as much insight into this area from any other source. I have my own story in which the lines between love, commitment, responsibility, accountability, care, support, tenderness, compassion, understanding, anger, control, manipulation, and violence were all blurred leading to a messy entanglement of what should have been a love affair. Separating these issues has been difficult, as has been lifting my head out of the confusion of trying to understand just what the fuck went on and how did I as a guy who has only ever had to raise his voice a handful of times in my 40 odd years on the planet end up in a situation like I did. It's comforting & heartening to hear that guys who have suffered in this regard are being heard with as much openness and compassion as women who have been through the same thing. My situation has a functionally happy ending in that my ex-wife and I share an ongoing interactive and cooperative relationship, and co-parent extremely well together. There is a humanity underneath it all that has come to the forefront of which I am grateful, which is to her credit also. I will admit to carrying baggage, but the more understanding I have, the better I become at being a good baggage handler, and freeing myself from the confusion surrounding my troubled relationship. I remain unchanged in that I am by nature a diplomat, and well regarded as such by all who know me. Hugs to all who have contributed here, and many thanks once again.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thank you, and thank you for sharing! If this thread helped just one person, in any way, it was worth it.
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madotara69
11 years ago
Mes is spot onand I would like to add, your post is an honest and well written part for this thread. It is something special when people can speak openly with this kind of stuff.Mado
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RHP User
11 years ago
Cheers to you both. It seems the other posters are all benefitting from the discussion as well. I think it's good to air what are acceptable boundaries, so that people can gauge what is acceptable and what is not, and not just be dumbstruck in that situation as I was at the time. I would say that when you find yourself making excuses for your partner's behaviour, that's when questions should start being asked of yourself, and a need to define your own boundaries to yourself. Just WHAT are you willing to put up with? If you were to substitute yourself for a friend or relative you cared deeply about, would you feel more protective of them than yourself? Keep that response in mind when continually exposing yourself to less than acceptable behaviour. We are all human, and the people perpetrating DV are also, but still, a line has to be drawn somewhere to keep yourself safe. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thank you Unrushed1. There is no doubt in my mind that anyone currently experiencing the same will relate to your story and with a bit of luck be prompted to take action. I know I've said this throughout this thread but I don't think it can be said enough... Each and every post in this thread is significant in some way. Every single story shared has a snowball effect in terms of being of benefit to someone out there so please do not think for a second that they are not worthwhile.
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RHP User
11 years ago
As a child of domestic violence and knowing how that feels would never put my children through the same thing. My father would go to the pub most nights and I would sit up until all hours on a school night waiting for him to come home , waiting to see what sort of mood he was in and if he were going to "start" my nerves were so bad that most of the night was spend on the toilet. I would know the minute his key was in the door if he were in a good mood or not. He was a big man and like me my mum is only small. Words can't describe how it felt to see her pinned against a wall being used as a punching bag and no amount if screaming or pulling at him would make him stop.He always threatened that if she left him he would find us and take us away where she could never find us. Although he never touched my siblings and myself the mental scars are something I live with every day. I will never get those images out if my head . - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
I know a girl in wa who lives with this every day, he smashes the house up to get at her, then smashes her up. Makes me sick! She's a bitch but that's no excuse, she's petite, he's a giant. They have trouble finding rentals, (like a lot of Maoris do here - because of this reputation- small town) he earns 3 grand a week, they've got no car, no house, no license between them coz he's a useless dumb fuck with more interest in drugs and booze than taking care of business like a man. He's a good looking guy so I can see how she might have got with him in the first instance, but now....? All their friends know about him, even members of his own family have told me she should get out ASAP. I know it's complicated but I just don't understand why she stays.... And why he isn't in jail...... And why nice guys (like me!) are still single when this shit is something we would NEVER do.....hahah ;)- Posted from rhpmobile
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madotara69
11 years ago
You have painted a horrifying picture, I am sorry that you have to see that over and over, but I am glad that we can now.Mado
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RHP User
11 years ago
MindOPEN I couldn't put a number on how many times I have seen this scenario played out both directly and indirectly. In asking your questions you have raised another issue which needs to be addressed and recognised as a contributing factor. I'm using your story in an effort to simply to illustrate this but I am in no way saying suggesting this is the case for anyone involved in it. In most cases, members of his family openly voicing her needing to get out is not out of concern for her - it is out of concern for him. If it wasn't a small town and it wasn't common knowledge they would be sweeping it under the carpet, turning a blind eye and worse they will make excuses for his behaviour, they'll defend his actions and they'll go to extreme measures to protect him from doing time. It is one thing to say she needs to get out but it is another thing entirely to take action. It is a conflict of interest for his family. Being seen to be helping her is viewed as an ultimate act of betrayal in terms of family loyalty. Any member of the family that makes a stand does so not only at the risk of being on the receiving end themselves but they risk alienation from the rest of the family. That in itself is a huge issue due to the belief system that family is everything and without family you have nothing. Blood is thicker than water no matter what...that's just the way it is...another belief system. Continuing to accept such belief systems, doing what has always been done yet expecting a different outcome - that's a problem right there. There needs to be a fundamental change in belief systems for change to occur. Mark my words, when he stops being sorry (if he hasn't already done so) it is just a matter of time before she ends up dead. 9 times out of 10 his friends and family will say something like "ah nah, no taringas (no ears) - we told her to get out" and in this case they have haven't they - quite openly which effectively relinquishes guilt. Instead of holding him accountable for his actions, chances are they will blame her and hold her responsible for the outcome. As to why she stays, there are any number of reasons (many of which you will find throughout this thread) but from what you have said she doesn't have the means financially for starters. MindOPEN my take on your post is that it appears to come from more of a racial slant than from a genuine concern for the situation. Domestic Violence is a global issue regardless of gender or race.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Great, thanks for your info, it makes sense now well, more sense anyway), especially with the family bonds, which are obviously very strong in this subset of our small community. No race issues, just mentioned Maori because that's who they identify as and wanker because that's what I think of people who beat others.... There are a few of us trying to help her escape to some of her own family in QLD so hopefully ......
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