F50
Lost in this Masquerade
February 26 2016
Comments
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RHP User
9 years ago
i would say to all dating sites, to both genders, women and menoccasionally you find that something more - a comfortable space to rest and stay for a whilebut on the whole a collective group who like to whorehow long that period lasts is up to that individual
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RHP User
9 years ago
I can't answer about actually meeting anyone yet because I haven't taken the plunge. But to some of your other questions: Make them work for it. Anyone that makes an effort to message back and forth a bit is either genuine, bad in bed or great manipulator. Genuine - fantastic, bad in bed - unfortunately only one way to find out, manipulator - a hard one. I haven't as yet worked it out and that's why I've been hesitant to take the leap and meet. It's hard to be detached when you're trying to form a bond with someone even for a FWB. On the positive side - the risk of your feelings being hurt is lower. But the negative is that you're not being true to who you are, and if the person is genuine then you might miss your chance to have an amazing time with someone worth meeting. Please don't give up just yet - from knowing you on the fora you are a genuine, heartfelt, intelligent and insightful woman. Men would be lucky to experience what you have to offer. I hope some experienced RHP members will have some helpful words of wisdom for you. I'll be following! Soft x
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RHP User
9 years ago
- Did you initially get "burnt" when you were new to this site? A: No. I came in with my set of rules and that included not falling in love with anyone so that I don't get burnt. - How long did it take for you learn how to "play the game" right without getting burnt? A: I dont know. - How do you keep your emotions at bay with your FWB(s)? A. Easy. I look at FWB as FRIENDS with benefits. I am not in love with my friends - just like them. - If you have more than one FWB's, was that your intention in the first place, or was it an arrangement that just evolved? A: That was my intention to begin with. - Did you start off with a certain set of rules and you basically had to amend those rules in the end? A: Rules adjust to circumstances but the principles remain. - How do you quickly pick out men who really just want Fuck Buddies / NSA's and those who are sincere about FWB's? A: Depends. Sometimes fast, sometimes slower. Sometimes only after an NSA arrangement - but if that happens and he does not want to be a friend then it is his loss not mine. - What safety measures do you use to protect yourself when meeting people from this site A: a lot. Aside from careful selection, I always brief a friend of mine on who I am meeting, at what time, where we are planning to be, sometimes I even ask for his ID as extra security - if the is not willing to show me mine I aint showing him mine :) IF I don't check back with my security contact after a while he has got all the details of the person I was meeting...
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Jules, I guess you are right. All that glitters is not gold and RHP is mainly for surface-deep only encounters. However, I do look forward to meeting some peeps on the forum because they are genuine and soulful. Softandcurious, it's great that you are cautious, and rightfully so. I suppose I really miss my FWB, but I forget that he is a rare gem. RHP is hardly the site to meet gems and the players far outnumber the genuine folks. I had a look at your profile - love your photos! Too bad you live far away from me or we could have a girls' night out! Are you going to attend the Meet and Greet next Saturday? Sydnobarbie, thanks for answering my questions. I'm learning, evaluating and modifying as I go along. I'll bear your tips in mind.
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RHP User
9 years ago
From what I've witnessed , seems a fair section of women come to RHP with bags full of wants and dont wants. Just as in real life you won't always find exactly what you are looking for. If you go looking for the bad , you will no doubt find it. It's fair to say it's easy for either sex to criticise the other if you don't get what you feel you should be getting. If your expectations are not genuinely being meet , best to reassess if this site is the right one for you. Good luck.
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RHP User
9 years ago
O.P. It sounds as though you are going through a rough patch. I haven't been burnt, but I have deleted many a profile on many sites, including on here twice, when I have been questioning the point of it all, like you seem to be. There are the good, the bad and the ugly on any site. I do actually look for "real" friends with benefits, by that I mean movies, travel, markets, dinner, concerts, walks, sightseeing etc as well as bedroom antics. Having said that, an exploration of sex is still relatively new to me and so any encounter, no matter how brief, I still see as being somewhat benefical at least as a learning experience. While you have found contrary intentions as the hurdle to finding actual FWB, from my point of view it has been the busy lives of others, meaning weeks to months between meetings with any individual. Perhaps that is why men especially try for a number of contacts, while one would suffice if you could see them more regularly. NSA is a term that many women use on their profiles as well, so I doubt it could be rightly said that it repels them in general. But maybe what they are looking for is someone that cares about them and values them properly, even if meeting just for play, and the abuse of NSA arrangements by some men (who think it means f*ck and forget) has given the term NSA a bad name.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I think we would get on like a house on fire! What meet is there? Am I missing something?
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RHP User
9 years ago
- Did you initially get "burnt" when you were new to this site? i"m still newish so i'll let you know .. at least two have 'burnt' me already though i'd say - How long did it take for you learn how to "play the game" right without getting burnt? I have no intention of learning to 'play the game' in my opinion there should be no game to be played so I don't intend on learning how to - How do you keep your emotions at bay with your FWB(s)? no cuddles or limited cuddles, not making contact every minute of the day, seeing more than one person - If you have more than one FWB's, was that your intention in the first place, or was it an arrangement that just evolved? my intent all along has been to find fwbs - Did you start off with a certain set of rules and you basically had to amend those rules in the end? not really i've been a little more flexible on age range on the odd occasion - How do you quickly pick out men who really just want Fuck Buddies / NSA's and those who are sincere about FWB's? yeah i'm not very good at doing that. - What safety measures do you use to protect yourself when meeting people from this site? I use the b safe app its on andriod and google it tracks your location and your friends can see it , has an emergency call button, a fake call button, if you hit the emergency button it starts recording your surroundings and calls your emergency contact right away. I also always tell someone where I'm going often with a screen shot of the person i'm meeting , how long i'll be , when they should expect to hear from me by etc and carry a personal alarm .. I will only ever meet in a very public place too like a shopping center or cafe
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MrMechanic
9 years ago
Quoting 'amos444' From what I've witnessed , seems a fair section of women come to RHP with bags full of wants and dont wants. Just as in real life you won't always find exactly what you are looking for. If you go looking for the bad , you will no doubt find it. It's fair to say it's easy for either sex to criticise the other if you don't get what you feel you should be getting. If your expectations are not genuinely being meet , best to reassess if this site is the right one for you. Good luck. Looking for a custom fit in an "off the rack" world. The expansive lists of some are amazing.If I was younger and attractive and looking at them Id be thinking it be so much easier to meet other women that don't have these long exacting lists since I have more optionsOTH if I was a bit desperate and had far less options Id just tell her I was all those things and cross my fingers.So do the long lists work as the people who author them intend, perhaps not.
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MrMechanic
9 years ago
The long list of exclusions in profiles are a bit like a Spy agency telling the people they are spying on exactly how they are spying on them.They have lots of thing that should be used as filters but without giving the applicants advance notice.Don't tell them what you don't like in advance because they are never going to admit they are or do the thing you don't like. Like a Boss telling an interviewee all the things they will consider a negative against them before the interview allowing the person to tailor their CV full of porkies to satisfy the test and get the job.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Probity' The long list of exclusions in profiles are a bit like a Spy agency telling the people they are spying on exactly how they are spying on them.They have lots of thing that should be used as filters but without giving the applicants advance notice.Don't tell them what you don't like in advance because they are never going to admit they are or do the thing you don't like. Like a Boss telling an interviewee all the things they will consider a negative against them before the interview allowing the person to tailor their CV full of porkies to satisfy the test and get the job. I agree I have a mental list of must haves / must not haves / deal breakers but I don't put them in my profile or people will just pretend they are what I am seeking
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MrMechanic
9 years ago
Quoting 'PoisonIV' Quoting 'Probity' The long list of exclusions in profiles are a bit like a Spy agency telling the people they are spying on exactly how they are spying on them.They have lots of thing that should be used as filters but without giving the applicants advance notice.Don't tell them what you don't like in advance because they are never going to admit they are or do the thing you don't like. Like a Boss telling an interviewee all the things they will consider a negative against them before the interview allowing the person to tailor their CV full of porkies to satisfy the test and get the job. I agree I have a mental list of must haves / must not haves / deal breakers but I don't put them in my profile or people will just pretend they are what I am seeking You're not just a pretty face
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RHP User
9 years ago
The age old dilemma of life. Don't give it a go and there will never be a failure. Try and it might not work, but you got to try again because when it does work it's great. For me there is no game or thoughts of being burnt, just an understanding that as with all relationships - friends, FWB's, partners - they have to start somewhere and unfortunately sometimes there is more of a disconnect than a meeting of minds. Shit happens, but it is about minimising it. No doubt there are the deceivers to deal with. Weed them out by not sharing pics too early or at all and chatting a lot and about anything. It's possible to understand quite a bit about someone that way. If there is impatience or annoyance then motivations are likely to be different and it is time to move on. As for safety, sharing personal info is a no no until I care to share...in most cases this is very much respected and even applauded. Meet in very public places, think about where you park (is it isolated etc) or how you will get home, watch to see if you are followed. Over the top? Probably, but better that than the alternative. Decide on your terms, stick with them and don't cave in to pressure. Most of all chalk up a bad experience to learning and don't let it taint your next encounter. There are some awesome people out there. Wishing you good experiences.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I have to say a partly agree with Probity. But P - your profile isn't one of them in my eyes. You are straight to the point about what you want. You could get some Neanderthal trying to pose as a gentleman but reading how comfortable they are when sharing experiences that you enjoy should weed them out quickly. Along with their mannerisms and how they talk/treat wait staff etc. It means meeting with them at least once though. I'm sure there are many men who would be seeking the type of arrangement you're looking for. Professional men with busy lives who don't want to settle down but want a companion to share some leisure time with, intelligent conversation and have some wicked sex with. Unfortunately it's weeding them out that's the issue. Maybe there needs to be an FWB search facility?
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PurePeony
9 years ago
SoftandCurious, I think the Meet and Greet is in Melbourne this coming Saturday. I believe countrytouch is the organiser. Yoohoo! countrytouch! Am I right about that? I haven't decided if I'm going to attend or not. countrytouch, I'm alright. I was just ... pondering. I resolved to live more openly and let go of trying to control every aspect of my life this year - Live Free! And I wanted to experience things that I've always sought to avoid, just for the hell of it. It's kinda like knowing that fire will burn you, but wanting to experience the burn anyway just to see how bad it gets. Wacky stuff! LOL!!! Cucknshells, Summer, Poison Ivy, Haven... thanks for responding. Always lovely to learn from others' experiences. My own short notes from my encounters here : - If it seems too good to be true, it often is! Tread slowly and strip off the glitzy veneer to really see the man beneath the front. Discount what he says but instead, action speaks volumes. - When it comes to being in touch with their emotional sides and tending to it, men can be roughly divided into those who are comfortable with their emotions and dealing with emotional issues, and those who have an avoidant stance towards it and run away from talking about emotions / dealing with emotions / addressing emotional issues. Be psychologically aware yourself so that you will not select a guy who will frustrate you endlessly because you don't see eye-to-eye in this aspect. Chicken and duck talk can be quite vexing. LOL! - Learn to take a step back, put your emotions and sentiments aside, and take a clinical, objective look at whether a man will make a good FWB according to your standards. ie. if you desire a sprinter, can he sprint? If you want a marathon runner, can he endure the distance? - If he makes you feel uncomfortable / disrespected / is unrealiable / plays mind games, cut your losses and put an end to it before you become more vested in the relationship. If a man doesn't act with integrity and doesn't earn your trust, move on. You have too much to offer in an FWB relationship than waste it all on a man who is a cad and doesn't appreciate it. Never feel pearls to swine. You'll only get noisy oinks one end, and shit at the other end. - To prevent yourself from getting burnt, play the reciprocal game. If he lets you in, you let him in. If he holds back, you hold back. Never be more invested in the r/ship than he is. Never put yourself in the losing end. - When all else fails, always remember, there are many many many fishes in the deep blue sea! Salmon may be tasty, but so are scallops! If one oyster refuses to yield its pearl to the mermaid, the mermaid can swim a little further and discover another oyster that has a Mikimoto-grade pearl that he willingly yields. - When it's time for your FWB to move on, wish him well, let him go graciously, and embrace what's up ahead. - It's all about making each other feel really good and really special for the short time that we come together. Make him feel like a King and he should make you feel like a Queen. We all have a need to love and pamper someone and be loved and pampered back. If a man gets uncomfortable with that, realise that it's probably a commitment phobia issue / emotional unavailability issue / attachment issue / whatever psychological DSM-IV / behavioural issue / reminder of ex-spouse , etc etc etc. If he does not want to talk about it, give him time and space. If he still doesn't want to talk about it, decide if that sort of behaviour is going to dampen your enjoyment of the FWB relationship and then decide if you are going to continue or not. - Do not be fooled by what's written in a man's profile. It can portray them as a person we'll be attracted to, but the reality can be far removed. - A woman's instinct aka "sixth sense" can be a huge blessing. If the red light are blinking and the alarms are blaring, pay heed! Keep sharing, peeps!
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Quoting 'SoftandCurious' But P - your profile isn't one of them in my eyes. You are straight to the point about what you want. You could get some Neanderthal trying to pose as a gentleman but reading how comfortable they are when sharing experiences that you enjoy should weed them out quickly. Along with their mannerisms and how they talk/treat wait staff etc. It means meeting with them at least once though. I'm sure there are many men who would be seeking the type of arrangement you're looking for. Professional men with busy lives who don't want to settle down but want a companion to share some leisure time with, intelligent conversation and have some wicked sex with. Unfortunately it's weeding them out that's the issue. Maybe there needs to be an FWB search facility? ________________________________________________________________________________________________ Agree! Players masquerading as men sincerely wanting FWB's. I'm not on a diet... but I don't eat Baloney Sandwiches. LOL! Those I chew and don't swallow, but spit them out! LOL!!!
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RHP User
9 years ago
Expect nothing...hope for everything xxFreya
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Quoting 'Freya70' Expect nothing...hope for everything xxFreya ________________________________________________________________________________________________ Like how short and sweet that is! How about, "Fuck like it's your first, and possibly last encounter with that man". I think that thought might provide the extra fuel that's needed when the muscles are feeling the burn doing the Cowgirl. Harharhar!
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Quoting 'Summer_solstice' You should hear all my requirements that aren't on there. Guys contacting me are quite unaware of the minefield they're entering, the poor souls. ________________________________________________________________________________________________ LOL!!! That's like a web of intrigue that unsuspecting insects get entrapped in, but the rare smart fellow spider will know how to navigate its way to you! Nice! See, I view this trait as confidence and intelligence - you know precisely what you want and do not wish to waste time. We possibly do not wish to end up having sex with 10 different men whilst searching whereas others might adopt the opinion that if they have to "try out" 20 men to find that one good one, what's stopping them? There's nothing wrong with either preferences and it's just our personalities and inclinations coming to the forefront. I just wish people will be less judgemental and not think that it's their way or the highway. Our bodies, our rules. If I want a quick mindless boink, I know there are plenty for the taking. Too bad that isn't what I'm after. Different strokes for different folks. Unfortunately, some folks here are simply too dense, obstinate and opinionated to realise that.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Summer_solstice' You should hear all my requirements that aren't on there. Guys contacting me are quite unaware of the minefield they're entering, the poor souls. Why does the Venus Flytrap come to mind?
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lovman8
9 years ago
Quoting 'Summer_solstice' You should hear all my requirements that aren't on there. Guys contacting me are quite unaware of the minefield they're entering, the poor souls. To someone with my curiosity, this just adds to your sexual allure. Not that your forum posts and profile pics hadn't already elevated you to sex goddess status. It also makes you more scary so I'll probably save all my wit and charm for another day. But to comment on the OP , in defense of my gender, which I admit all too often embarrasses me, I sincerely hope there are some men on here that don't always disappoint.
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MrMechanic
9 years ago
Ignore all the offers and go hunting instead. The thing is for women you are choosing them anyway, they contact you and you choose to take it up or not so they choice is yours.Why not just peruse the profiles and choose yourself and cut out the middle man and avoid answering all the hitters. I don't contact women, did at first but didn't take long to figure out that was not going to get far.Now I just sit and fish, be patient.I look at them, they then look at me and if they are interested they get in touch and we talk.If they don't contact me the don't like what they see, simple. Once you toss aside the old fashioned idea that men have to make the first move then it makes sense to do your own hunting and not just sit and wait to see what's thrown over the fence at you by way of messages and flirts. If it means paying to send messages then do it, you stand to get more from this place then guys do if you can message and then you can go hunting and make your own choices about who to hit up instead of limiting it to those who contact you trying their luck. Other thing is you'll catch them off guard too as they are not expecting it.You can tell them you are not interested in try hard's hitting you up and you are confident and discerning and know what you like, so are they interested.Spin it how you like but just put it in the positive so it doesn't look like your are desperate at all, they won the prize, you.
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RHP User
9 years ago
We only get lost, or go as far into the masquerade as we allow ourselves too. Between this thread and the guy asking about dealing with rejection after finding 'The Perfect Partner's Profile' (and not even having met/spoken yet) I'm wondering are people building an expectation way too quickly? Are they letting their imagination get the better of them? We often confuse love and happiness with lust and infatuation, real friendship and trust takes a LOT of time. This site is a great way for like minded people to connect but honestly it's no better than speed dating. To me personally, people will only be a possible FWB/Lover/Partner after I've met them in public a few times. That first meet up weeds out 90% of the unscrupulous (and why it's so important to me) and subsequent contact lets me get a better idea of who they really are. Constant and clear communication can seem a little cold or clinical but it's been the best thing for me. As for the requirements on people's profiles? They're a real turn off, especially things like "Must be 6' or higher" and "Must be hung like a horse" as these are qualities that have been genetically decided for us and cannot be changed. Even if I did meet someone's requirements I'd hesitate to contact them, as they have expectations on people with matters that are out of their control. I'd love to be some 6'4" Adonis with a cock that could be seen from space but I've accepted who I am (bald, bit too hairy, sensitive and often irritated skin) and couldn't be happier
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RHP User
9 years ago
I would prefer none of the following: Alcoholics Workaholics Sexaholics (well not this one) Commitment-phobics Peeping toms Megalomaniacs Emotional fuckwits or Perverts
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MrMechanic
9 years ago
That list is just stating the obvious a bit.And who would admit to any of it.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I'll admit to being a sexaholic The reality is I'm a workaholic
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Quoting 'SoftandCurious' I would prefer none of the following: Alcoholics Workaholics Sexaholics (well not this one) Commitment-phobics Peeping toms Megalomaniacs Emotional fuckwits or Perverts Hmm... how about adding "Players" to the list? Plenty of them masquerading here!
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PurePeony
9 years ago
I wrote the following comment on some thread only to realise it's totally obscure. Argh! So thought I'll cnp my post here instead. "I doubt that a relationship based on love is possible from a casual standpoint. I mean, it can be replicated but nothing can replace the intensity, the soul-connection that you get from making love, as opposed to fucking just to satisfy lust. Maybe, that is why I struggle with being on RHP. I much prefer making love to fucking. Well, unless I've been crazy-deprived but even then, I still have standards. LOL! Let me share quotes from an article I've read recently, "The Hook-Up Culture Only Exists Because This Generation Has Never Properly Fallen in Love" : "The concept of love and intimacy is so incredibly beautiful that once you understand the concept fully, once you realize your brain can create the feelings associated with romantic love, you’re hooked on it for life." "It’s the intimacy we are truly after and it’s the one thing almost always missing from a relationship. ... ... Intimacy requires you to expose yourself, to show your true colors. It requires you to be vulnerable and to place all your cards on the table." "True intimacy is a complete unraveling of all our defenses. It’s allowing someone else to see us for who we really are, not just for who we let on to be. And for intimacy to truly be present, it has to flow from both parties. A majority of relationships don’t even come close." "By being in a bad relationship, you are hurting yourself, just as you are if you’re settling for a good one. Great love does exist. A great version of you does exist. Near-perfect is attainable and what that means you will understand when you find the right person. Stop wasting your time dating people you don’t really care about or don’t connect with on a deep enough level. I never understood this, but that’s only because the first time I fell in love, it was the real deal. I now can never settle for anything short of “wow.”" I have tried to listen to my body's urges and meet its sexual needs but the heart and mind and soul simply rebel against it and on a deep level, reject it. I've given it a fair go and whilst it does satiate the lustful urges (which can make me go crazy and sex-obsessed esp since I am highly sexed!), I'm never fully satisfied. It's akin to this : After tasting the best steak at a 5-star steakhouse, could you ever be ecstatic about a McDonald's burger ever again? :P What did my cynical British Literature teacher used to say? "Life is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel."
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RHP User
9 years ago
Why so serious? It was tongue in cheek - sigh P - could be! Yes there is a major difference between lust and full on in love sex or making love. You get different things from each. I'm like you are prefer the sex or making love with someone I'm head over heels for or know extremely well. I think it's so rewarding because you are much more vulnerable with them. You have more to lose. But yeh it doesn't mean awesome sex can't be had without it. It's just a very deep and raw experience when you have a relationship like that. Either that or it's starfish - what colour should I paint the ceiling, geez he's taking forever haha 😉
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'PurePeony' My own short notes from my encounters here : - If it seems too good to be true, it often is! Tread slowly and strip off the glitzy veneer to really see the man beneath the front. Discount what he says but instead, action speaks volumes. - When it comes to being in touch with their emotional sides and tending to it, men can be roughly divided into those who are comfortable with their emotions and dealing with emotional issues, and those who have an avoidant stance towards it and run away from talking about emotions / dealing with emotions / addressing emotional issues. Be psychologically aware yourself so that you will not select a guy who will frustrate you endlessly because you don't see eye-to-eye in this aspect. Chicken and duck talk can be quite vexing. LOL! - Learn to take a step back, put your emotions and sentiments aside, and take a clinical, objective look at whether a man will make a good FWB according to your standards. ie. if you desire a sprinter, can he sprint? If you want a marathon runner, can he endure the distance? - If he makes you feel uncomfortable / disrespected / is unrealiable / plays mind games, cut your losses and put an end to it before you become more vested in the relationship. If a man doesn't act with integrity and doesn't earn your trust, move on. You have too much to offer in an FWB relationship than waste it all on a man who is a cad and doesn't appreciate it. Never feel pearls to swine. You'll only get noisy oinks one end, and shit at the other end. - To prevent yourself from getting burnt, play the reciprocal game. If he lets you in, you let him in. If he holds back, you hold back. Never be more invested in the r/ship than he is. Never put yourself in the losing end. - When all else fails, always remember, there are many many many fishes in the deep blue sea! Salmon may be tasty, but so are scallops! If one oyster refuses to yield its pearl to the mermaid, the mermaid can swim a little further and discover another oyster that has a Mikimoto-grade pearl that he willingly yields. - When it's time for your FWB to move on, wish him well, let him go graciously, and embrace what's up ahead. - It's all about making each other feel really good and really special for the short time that we come together. Make him feel like a King and he should make you feel like a Queen. We all have a need to love and pamper someone and be loved and pampered back. If a man gets uncomfortable with that, realise that it's probably a commitment phobia issue / emotional unavailability issue / attachment issue / whatever psychological DSM-IV / behavioural issue / reminder of ex-spouse , etc etc etc. If he does not want to talk about it, give him time and space. If he still doesn't want to talk about it, decide if that sort of behaviour is going to dampen your enjoyment of the FWB relationship and then decide if you are going to continue or not. - Do not be fooled by what's written in a man's profile. It can portray them as a person we'll be attracted to, but the reality can be far removed. - A woman's instinct aka "sixth sense" can be a huge blessing. If the red light are blinking and the alarms are blaring, pay heed! I think it's worth pointing out that if you change all the masculine pronouns in your comment to female ones, and replace "man/men with woman/women, the validity of your post hasn't changed. Only the point of view.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
I'm thinking of something you said in another post about being with younger guys when I thought about this issue of "reciprocal goodwill" this evening. When we agree to play with a guy, we are all looking for fun and hoping that the atmosphere will be enshrouded with "goodwill" as in, if things do not happen as we wanted them to, or things are far from ideal, we can sit back, laugh about it, and just mark it down to nerves and there'll be tomorrow's to try again so don't sweat the small stuff. That puts everyone at ease. I mean, we all love sex and we are all grinning like Cheshire cats when we see people we are attracted to do the dirty tango with us, right? But what gets me is when somehow, nothing is said, but you can tell from their eyes or body language or sixth sense whatever it is, that in the middle or at the end, the guy withdraws into himself and is lost in his own thoughts. A few men I've dated have massive unresolved issues from their divorce / separation / breakup's. They probably should have sought professional counselling to help themselves get over the obstacles or even be forthright and honest about these issues to us. Instead, it manifests in hot-cold behaviour that's utterly confusing, or they do the disappearing thing, or other kinds of mind games and mind fuckery. Recently, I wanted to do something nice for a guy to pamper him but he snapped at me with so much cynicism, I was stunned! "Promises! Promises!" Whoa! Bitter with baggage, much? Or maybe, something about you reminded them of their ex and they suddenly withdraw from you and think, "All women are the same! Mean and manipulative!" I'm compassionate and I often empathise with the struggles and pain people are experiencing. But to get enmeshed with these guys who clearly haven't been completely healed and aren't very in touch with their emotional / psychological aspects is very frustrating. I'd rather there be brutal honesty rather than a lack of communication and cold-shouldering. In that respect, I think younger guys could be "free-er". They wouldn't have gone through the trauma of divorce yet, and there's no mid-life crisis to grapple with. They just want fun and they are usually so horny that it overrides any baggages they might have. LOL! Not that I'm going to hook up with the younger cubs, because that's not my cuppa tea, but just saying that I kinda understand where you are coming from.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'PurePeony' But what gets me is when somehow, nothing is said, but you can tell from their eyes or body language or sixth sense whatever it is, that in the middle or at the end, the guy withdraws into himself and is lost in his own thoughts. A few men I've dated have massive unresolved issues from their divorce / separation / breakup's. Or maybe, something about you reminded them of their ex and they suddenly withdraw from you and think, "All women are the same! Mean and manipulative!" I'm compassionate and I often empathise with the struggles and pain people are experiencing. But to get enmeshed with these guys who clearly haven't been completely healed and aren't very in touch with their emotional / psychological aspects is very frustrating. I'd rather there be brutal honesty rather than a lack of communication and cold-shouldering. Are you a mind reader now? You don't sound very empathetic. I smell an awful lot of man-bashing here, and not much care for the feelings of others. It must be terrible for you to get "enmeshed" with these men who are hurting terribly, but don't know how to deal with it. The guidebook is blank on that chapter, unfortunately.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Quoting 'Koolgrey' Quoting 'PurePeony' But what gets me is when somehow, nothing is said, but you can tell from their eyes or body language or sixth sense whatever it is, that in the middle or at the end, the guy withdraws into himself and is lost in his own thoughts. A few men I've dated have massive unresolved issues from their divorce / separation / breakup's. Or maybe, something about you reminded them of their ex and they suddenly withdraw from you and think, "All women are the same! Mean and manipulative!" I'm compassionate and I often empathise with the struggles and pain people are experiencing. But to get enmeshed with these guys who clearly haven't been completely healed and aren't very in touch with their emotional / psychological aspects is very frustrating. I'd rather there be brutal honesty rather than a lack of communication and cold-shouldering. Are you a mind reader now? You don't sound very empathetic. I smell an awful lot of man-bashing here, and not much care for the feelings of others. It must be terrible for you to get "enmeshed" with these men who are hurting terribly, but don't know how to deal with it. The guidebook is blank on that chapter, unfortunately. _____________________________________________________________________________________________ My, aren't you terribly judgemental and harshly critical? We have had ZERO contact, we've NEVER interacted in real life, and because you chose to interpret what I've written through your lenses, you've made those awful conclusions. In actual fact, I feel really bad for the hurt these men are going through, and even sadder that they are running around knocking their heads against walls and hurting others in the process as well. I wish they will undergo professional counselling to resolve their issues so they can see the beauty in life and love and relationships and embrace a fresh start to their lives. The reason why I became enmeshed is because I saw the red flags, but felt so bad for them, I wanted to stick around and see if I might somehow be of help and to offer a listening ear and words of encouragement to help soothe their wounds and encourage them to open up. I could walked off and saved myself the heartache on all occasions, but I didn't. Simple analogy, sometimes when you stretch your hand towards a wounded dog to try to rescue it, it may bite your hand and injure you. That doesn't change the motivation - to help, to reach out, to somehow see if my company can soothe their souls somewhat. You should probably check yourself to see why you are so cynical about people in general. The gall and gumption to slap insulting labels on me!!!
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MrMechanic
9 years ago
All he said was"This piece of Halibut is good enough for Jehovah."
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RHP User
9 years ago
If people don't read properly. And yes I am generalising a little. But I agree P with some of your statements. Sometimes I wonder WHEN an older man is like this, if they feel they are running out of time? I_touch is the perfect example of a cougar 😉 And with women taking more control of their sex lives and being less worried about sleeping with younger men, some older men (I have known) feel out of their depth a little. Ones that haven't played the field in a while, who's experience was back when women were more pliable and had "less options." And yes - some of them have been very affected by past relationships and can be a little bitter. I think sometimes they don't know what they're after. They think they know what they want, take a leap and go for it. But then it scares the pants off them. Especially if they haven't had any positive experiences with empowered women. Those reactions sound like they come from men who feel they have been manipulated, ripped off and shit on. Again I reiterate I'm talking about older men who react those ways. The problem is they can't bring all of that with them if they want to have experienced with awesome women. Because the women they want will be turned off by their unresolved issues. It is sad - but P you have your own journey to follow. You can lead a horse to water......
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RHP User
9 years ago
...I'm glad that those comments I highlighted earlier didn't just wash over everyone reading them in the general exuberance of the topic. Mens psychological health is a serious matter too, with ties to depression.Two years ago that was me hurting, with no one to turn to and not knowing what to do. Feeling that I was losing everything...my love, my home, my sense of worth. That was when I found out the hard way who were my real friends in the home and workplace....which are close to the same thing when you work FIFO.Interestingly, that was when a workmate suggested I join RHP, my first and only dating site.It took me a year to rebuild myself stronger than before...and surprisingly RHP, its forums and personalities,was helpful in that.Thank you.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Mine of course is Louis V..a cheap knockoff of course..Not exactly a book I'd recommend but one thing John Gray did say in Men are from Mars Women are from Venus,which resonated with me.,is that how we react to situations is 80 % what happened in a similar situation in the past and only 20% of what is happening in the now xxFreya
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RHP User
9 years ago
It takes a lot,some psychologists say about 50,positive experiences to heal the wounds of the past xxFreya
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MrMechanic
9 years ago
Quoting 'SoftandCurious' If people don't read properly. And yes I am generalising a little. But I agree P with some of your statements. Sometimes I wonder WHEN an older man is like this, if they feel they are running out of time? I_touch is the perfect example of a cougar 😉 And with women taking more control of their sex lives and being less worried about sleeping with younger men, some older men (I have known) feel out of their depth a little. Ones that haven't played the field in a while, who's experience was back when women were more pliable and had "less options." And yes - some of them have been very affected by past relationships and can be a little bitter. I think sometimes they don't know what they're after. They think they know what they want, take a leap and go for it. But then it scares the pants off them. Especially if they haven't had any positive experiences with empowered women. Those reactions sound like they come from men who feel they have been manipulated, ripped off and shit on. And that's a bullet I'm so glad I dodged remaining single.
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RHP User
9 years ago
It's how you react. I agree everyone has baggage of some form or another - it's just more or more obvious with some people. Kool thanks for being so open with us. It takes a lot to put it out there. But good on you for coming through it! P - you sound very understanding. I just hope that you don't get derailed by trying to help others too much and forget you.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Quoting 'Summer_solstice' I do think your post about "guys who clearly haven't been completely healed and aren't very in touch with their emotional / psychological aspects" was too harsh. Could we all (me too) keep it about other people's comments though and not make things personal? Most of us don't know each other from a bar of soap. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ I'm still hurting today because I feel deeply enough for someone's hurts, got wrongfully criticised by a total stranger I know nothing about who felt that because he is in a similar situation with the person I'm talking about, he therefore has the right to lash out against me? And I wasn't even harsh in my comments! Just because you might be friend with this guy... What's untrue about guys who have gone through traumatic breakups finding it hard to deal with their emotions? Women do too. The difference is women tend to talk about our feelings or seek counselling whereas men tend to bury it deep inside and not confront it or don't know what to do about it. The person I met is a wonderful person and I'm only really sad that he's entrapped in a vicious cycle. I hope he can get out of the rut but in the meantime, there's nothing I can do to help because unfortunately, things did not end well for us. I brought up an emotional / psychological wellbeing issue that needs tending to and feel helpless that I can only watch and get hurt myself in the process, and I end up getting criticised for being heartless? I think sometimes, you guys have to stop taking sides with your friends and be more objective. And koolgrey, if MY account about my observation and experience with someone I knew hits a raw note in you, that does not give you the right to be rude to me. You might have dealt with that issue so good on you. The person I know haven't, so I hope he will heal eventually and not shut himself off. What is so offensive about that? I'm not responsible for your hurt and wasn't even commenting about you so be mature about it.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I am not you. I reserve the right to have a different opinion to you and I respect that you do not feel things as I do. Good for you champ...
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RHP User
9 years ago
Your post was well thought out and a lot of it I agreed with. But a few things just didn't seem right for a FWB, like the emotions and mention of commitment, 2 things, certainly commitment, that a fuck buddy doesn't want, in my opinion, the reason they do this without wanting to be in a relationship. Surely that would be a boyfriend if commitment came into it? I've spoken to some young guys, smoking hot, asked them why they did the online stuff when they could take their pick in the real world, and they all said the same thing. They didn't want commitment or drama (emotions = drama or can do when mixed with other contributing factors). The same reason ongoing doesn't usually last for too long, they eventually move on before too much of a connection is made, fair enough, it works better that way. I mean this respectfully but are you sure you're not confusing FWB for boyfriend. Nothing wrong with wanting a proper relationship but the two are very different IMHO Please don't think I'm having a go at you, just my thoughts To comment on your initial post, I initially went online with no set of rules, scared but excited, horny and gaggin for action, not much has changed in that respect lol and hit the jackpot with the first guy, can't talk about him but he was incredible and saw him quite a few times, not often but over longish period of time. He set the bar so high, I used him as a benchmark when choosing future partners/concurrent partners. Although I have fuck buddies and not FWB's, the same principle applies with screening, trust, all that, when online. Aside from 'no shows' and there haven't been too many of them, a few only, not likely to get burnt without it being a relationship, though I did let one get under my skin, he was a master of smooth talk and took that too far, so not my fault. But I still see a very big difference between a FWB and a boyfriend. It's not easy to do these casual connections, it can feel empty at times, but you get better at it over time. I love life and have now learnt to enjoy being with a guy, then go back to the other things I love, and they do the same, until next time but neither of us knows when that next time will be. I usually have a few on the go and rotate lol though quiet in that respect at the moment. I do think the FWB is a wobbly line that would make a lot of guys nervous, hence the problem finding them, just my thoughts
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RHP User
9 years ago
I haven't been in to this topic for quite a while and only just realised I'd missed a lot of comments, so I hope you don't feel like I'm coming in to drive my point home, not my intention. The point a few of you made about the age of guys and what stage they're at in their lives is right on. I rarely interact with guys who have been married or who have had children. A few have had kids but not many, so an entirely different playing field for me. For men who have had overwhelming things to deal with, I feel for them, and feel like understanding and maturity is needed to be able to see them on an ongoing basis without being a noose around their neck, for want of a better expression. The last thing they would want is another relationship so they would understandably not want to get too involved. You know, go to a movie, dinner, sex, whatever, but without drama or commitment or the woman wanting to get their hooks into them, the very words a guy told me today, an older guy. That's reality. The ones wanting relationships are still there, but the division line is where Again, just my thoughts
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PurePeony
9 years ago
... is with how some stranger can just come on here and insult me the way koolgrey did and then basically get away with it just because of playing the sympathy card. Sure we've all been hurt. Sure we all have baggages. Does that mean we can then justify our callous actions / mean retorts? Whilst it might be understandable that projection might have occured to a large extent in this situation, it does not give anyone carte blanche to start lashing out at someone who's simply made an observation. The gist of my comments has its basis on the many journal articles and books on psychology and counselling that I've poured through over the decades and there's nothing in there that seeks to mock or insult. If anything, my motivation behind writing that is simply a regret that the wonderful man I've met is running scared and hiding behind a facade because of his years of being hurt and disappointed and I just wish he would not manifest his anger by becoming a senseless player and be guarded against all women. In my different social circles, I'm always very concerned about how my friends are coping and faring because their happiness matters to me. No matter what, nobody has the right to insult someone else that way, especially not since I've given up a lucrative career to slog it out for more than a decade in a career that puts others first and does not remunerate well, and have given up my free time in volunteer roles so others can benefit. To then be accused of those horrible things is NOT ON! Not on AT ALL. I find koolgrey's comments about me thoroughly offensive and I'm calling it for what it is - mean-spirited and nasty.
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RHP User
9 years ago
....any knives being sharpened, axes being ground? Peony. I have some sympathy for you, but your taking MY OPINION of YOUR OPINION very personally....and in Forums 101, that's a big no-no. What do I have to gain by a "personal" attack on your credibility? Nothing, of course.When you put your comments and opinions up for public inspection you are inviting...by the very nature of forums...comments and opinions that may not be the same as yours.Generally, I stay out of the heated forum topics and I don't push peoples buttons when it's unwarranted, because...unlike some people in life...I don't seek conflict and glory.But now and again, a comment or a topic pops up that I feel quite strongly about or that I feel is heading in an unhealthy direction without the "other side" of the argument being given a voice.I'm a bit of a crusader for the "little, silent person" I suppose...And because, in fact, most arguments have two sides to them. I'm sure your quite a decent person, with high moral values...and I certainly consider myself to be one...but it's important to remember that just because we believe something....that does not make it so, by default.Just because you or I think that something we've said ISN'T offensive, that doesn't make that a genuine, true-blue fact. I've fallen foul of making that mistake in the past with friends and been pulled up for it...and I try to learn from that.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Blah Blah. You've basically called someone names and am not apologising for it. All other words are empty, vain and futile to me. As far as I am concerned, from now on, you are someone I would rather ignore. You aren't the only one with different opinions here, but you have the dubious honour of being the first to seriously piss me off in here by attacking me on a very personal level. I no longer care about any fancy schmancy fluffly attempts at rationalising. And that's that.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Wow... thank you so much. Very great comments! I think you are right... my first FWB started out that way but became a full-on relationship over the years. My second FWB was also a full-on relationship without the label and it was only after I had left to pursue a relationship with my ex bf that he kinda indirectly admitted that he had considered me as his gf without wanting to admit it. (??!!) I suppose my past experiences with FWB's aren't really FWB's in a way. I've suspected that for a while now but after reading your posts, it has confirmed my suspicions. Besides, the way you describe it, FWB's sound more like FB's to me. I'm now here just for the forums, I suppose.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Thanks. Yeah I found it took quite a long time to be comfortable being really intimate with someone and then each just walking away. My first one I won't bore you with detail but in short, picked up, guy was stuff dreams are made of, drove to semi secluded spot, then had fun lol and got dropped off busy location along beach front, no kiss goodbye, that was it. I felt so empty at that moment and didn't think I'd be able to do it again. The guy ended up being a semi regular/ongoing buddy and was incredible. Obviously young so no problem for me as far as falling deeper, but the following months were like a rollercoaster of different feelings (I also saw others) about this whole casual thing and whether I could do it without feeling thrown to the Kerb every time. And just when I thought I had my head around it, I'd have doubt again, and so it went on. Only now I've realised I am completely comfortable with it, just more often would be nice, a girl has needs. But the heart is still there and not retired lol the heart is such a big player, it has to be to share what we do with them 😃
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RHP User
9 years ago
Perhaps we all define fwb differently. Certainly it is different to NSA. For me a fwb is somebody I have ongoing NSA sex with but with whom i also share real a real emotional intimacy with when we are on our date. This intimacy or connection does not extend past the construct of our Rhp world or the date that we are on. I think it is really important to be clear to myself and my fwb, exactly what I mean by fwb and that she is on the same page. For the record, fwb is much better than NSA sex (I think) as it is the intimacy that makes the sex more than an empty rushed, mechanical act. I would also suggest you have your mental "list" but personally, a stack of conditions shoved in my face is as about as endearing as when a woman has a fat cock shot shoved in her face on the first communication. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
...I'm glad to hear that your moving on. Dwelling on the past is unhealthy. I called no one any names and I meant everything I've said, but I won't apologise as I've done nothing to warrant it.Nor do I need to rationalise my comments....despite that I may be the rational one between you and I... Thank you for that dubious honour you are bestowing on me....I wish I could humbly accept, but I really shouldn't take awards that I didn't rightfully earn. Take care now...
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Wow... I never knew that you had a rough start too. The way you felt after the first encounter, that emptiness... I can so identify with that. Strangely, I only felt a big struggle with Mr Dream Boat, because he reminded me of my long term relationship and he's in fact, the improved version. LOL! That was the only person I struggled with. The others I can pretty much take it or leave it because I do not feel anything for them but because it hadn't been regular, I've kinda lost interest. It takes two to clap and I don't think having sex once a month makes an FWB.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'PurePeony' Wow... I never knew that you had a rough start too. The way you felt after the first encounter, that emptiness... I can so identify with that. Strangely, I only felt a big struggle with Mr Dream Boat, because he reminded me of my long term relationship and he's in fact, the improved version. LOL! That was the only person I struggled with. The others I can pretty much take it or leave it because I do not feel anything for them but because it hadn't been regular, I've kinda lost interest. It takes two to clap and I don't think having sex once a month makes an FWB. Yeah that's an individual thing. I've had quite a few fuck buddies who I only see about once a month but I've been very happy with that and VERY happy with them, but of course don't expect that would suit everyone. Added to that, one is most definitely not enough, but for a while there, I always had 5 or 6 kind of rotating around, all amazing (a few are still on the radar, but fading away ). It goes in waves. I found the end of last year and so far this year to be a lot more of a struggle finding those gems. Contributing factor is no doubt more caution and heavier filtering than I used to worry about, experience kind of increases the list of things to cover before you meet a complete stranger. That can be a double edged sword though, longer dry spells but I don't mind longer periods in between seeing them. I figure they have busy lives and other play partners, some also work fifo so away anyway for long periods. It does make me gag for them though, I seriously believe that's how some of them like it, bit of a fetish, which is hot
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RHP User
9 years ago
I really want FWB but I push the NSA because most of my partners fall in love and move straight into the "we are in a relationship now". I am always very upfront about not wanting a relationship and wanting to explore being single (after 18 years in a monogamous relationship). But I am very intimate and most woman can't handle it without getting deeply emotionally attached. My first date was with a swinger of 5 years and she lost it by the 2nd date. She said "How can you do that and not be emotionally involved". I said "but you are a swing" and she retorted "That is just sex. This is different". She suggested that I should be more of a prick. Others have said the same. Sorry, being a prick is not my style. In another forum about 5 ways to satisfy a woman, someone said "If you find one like that (is intimate/does those things)..don't let him go. My point exactly. Everyone wants it, but when they get it, FWB goes out the window. I want to have friends but I find myself with few because it usually becomes an all or nothing situation. Hence I only look on RHP avoid those that aren't clearly very comfortable with their life as it is. I have no interest in drama or broken hearts. If they can handle NSA then I am hoping they can handle FWB. - Posted from rhpmobile
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team_Pringle
9 years ago
Oh wow these forums are soooo lame Thought we were here to fuck??? - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
We are.....however how we choose to go about our fuckery is up to the individual. So your "lame" might suit some of us just fine.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Well, one of the "But this is a sex site!" proponent has just made an appearance. The infamous caveman grunts, as I like to call it : "This is sex site! I come here, want sex! You here, means you also want sex! Gimme sex! Now!" Also equivalent to the "Me Tarzan! You Jane" grunt.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
I wonder what you mean by this : "But I am very intimate and most woman can't handle it without getting deeply emotionally attached." Examples of the intimacy you apparently supply that made all those women, even a seasoned swinger, fall for you hook, line and sinker? If you've been told by several other women before that you "should be more of a prick. Others have said the same." then maybe there's something you ought to change if you TRULY do not wish to break more hearts. The question is, you sound like you aren't into it to break hearts because you have become cautious and state NSA upfront. However, if that intimacy thing doesn't change, then it will continue to give you bragging rights of sorts because women will continue to "fall for" you in that sense. Same "intimacy" offered, same scenario perpetuated. Makes sense? Sometimes, when we send conflicting messages either verbally or indirectly via gestures / body language, misunderstandings and confusion can occur. Since it sounds like so many women have fallen for you, maybe it's time to keep it purely NSA without the extra "intimacy" stuff thrown in so that it makes it clear cut that it's just NSA and nothing more. No smoke without fire, especially if so many women, even the experienced swinger, have fallen for your charms. Just putting it out there. Otherwise, it's not NSA but "Player", the difference being, there is a conscious deliberation to the motivation and the modus operandi. Akin to, a footie player does not play footie using rugby rules. If it's NSA, and the women are telling you that it's hard because of the intimacy you have thrown in, remove the intimacy and you'll go back to NSA. Simple.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I have some of the same thoughts as Peony. I was also wondering what it is you're doing that has all these women falling for you almost straight away. If you don't want a relationship, you just might need to change some of that behaviour. I know you say you are upfront about wanting NSA only, but fact is if you are acting in ways that completely contradict that then you will keep running into the same problem. I think when it comes to FWB then a certain level of intimacy can be ok (if the people involved can handle it) but if you go overboard with it then you start crossing boundaries and it gets very confusing for the other person.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I have just started reading these forums and I have picked up on a lot of good advice, such as from you both. Re: What do I do. Refer to the 5 tips forum. That's it..No magic wand. Nothing special. I think that it is little more than respecting your partner. However, do agree with a point raised on another forum...there is a fine line between FWB and BF...and intimacy really blurs those lines. Re: Stop the intimacy and the problem goes away. True. But that is the cream...the difference between ok and great. It's like swapping gourmet for McDonald's. Given that I was in a (monogamous) FWB/BF/"Love you forever" relationship for a year of my "single time" since July 2014, I am still very new to the lifestyle and I am evolving along the way. At present I would rather have the friends and forego the benefits. I just find that being single...it is the intimacy that I miss most. Who knows...maybe I will find miss perfect tomorrow. But I am still trying to figure out what perfect is. Probably like many couples on this site...deeply devoted to each other but not bound by the social norm of monogamy. It is a journey for us all. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
As suppressing a much needed eye roll 😛
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RHP User
9 years ago
I don't agree that removing intimacy makes it nsa. I always have intimacy with my partners. Fast sex, or more specifically fast to the start plate, doesn't remove intimacy during the match lol. I could never have sex without intimacy
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MrMechanic
9 years ago
Quoting 'SNAG4XTC' I have just started reading these forums and I have picked up on a lot of good advice, such as from you both. Re: What do I do. Refer to the 5 tips forum. That's it..No magic wand. Nothing special. I think that it is little more than respecting your partner. However, do agree with a point raised on another forum...there is a fine line between FWB and BF...and intimacy really blurs those lines. Re: Stop the intimacy and the problem goes away. True. But that is the cream...the difference between ok and great. It's like swapping gourmet for McDonald's. Given that I was in a (monogamous) FWB/BF/"Love you forever" relationship for a year of my "single time" since July 2014, I am still very new to the lifestyle and I am evolving along the way. At present I would rather have the friends and forego the benefits. I just find that being single...it is the intimacy that I miss most. Who knows...maybe I will find miss perfect tomorrow. But I am still trying to figure out what perfect is. Probably like many couples on this site...deeply devoted to each other but not bound by the social norm of monogamy. It is a journey for us all. - Posted from rhpmobile YeahHow do you let them down without looking like you are a liar. Best tip I can give you on that is if they start to fall in love with you just fart loudly during sex and that should do the trick and you wont have to lie to them.Now just to be clear, I've never tried this myself because I just tell them from the get go no romance, but in theory it should work.Best of luck.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Everyone wants to have their cake and eat it. For instance, it sounds like you want to experience the intimacy of a gf-bf relationship without putting in the commitment, expending the effort to maintain that sort of relationship and in a way, like a lot of other men/women, do not wish to deny yourself of the other fabulous choices that may avail themselves to you in the shape / form of the many other attractive profiles in here, or whenever you bump into someone more attractive / seemingly compatible in real life. Have I hit the nail on the head? I like how you seem to be an intelligent person capable of rationalising issues and bringing them up for discussion so, for the sake of discussion, I'd like to highlight a new social phenomenon which psychologists are studying and attributing to the current state of affairs in human relationships as a direct result of the proliferation of online dating websites just like this one. The term for this new psychological / behavioural issue is called, "Serial Dating". Google that term to read a few really awesome articles explaining exactly what it is. What you read may stun you. Never before in history has a man / woman been faced with so much instant and endless choices when it comes to seeking our mates / companions / partners / gf-bf / FWB / call it whatever you wish. Due to this, at the first sign of trouble in a relationship, or when the honeymoon period wears off and boredom sets in, what does the couple do? They start to look wistfully at the dating apps / sites, wondering if the lull might mean that they aren't "compatible" and eventually start searching for the next partner whilst they haven't yet made a clean break from the existing relationship. Some bail out at the first thing they dislike in their partner or at the first conflict / argument / discord. Too quick to end it all and never staying long enough to work things out and communicate and compromise, etc. We have become an instant disposable generation - use and keep it whilst its still useful but discard at the first sign of "maintenance" required. Makes sense? The issue is, EVERY relationship needs work. Yes, some people may be more compatible than others but eventually, even with the most compatible partner, you will still have to face the inevitable bump in the road, the hardships, the desire to split and give it all up, the exasperation, the frustration, the discord, etc etc. That will happen with anyone and everyone you choose to mate with. It's a natural progression of life. The solution is simply to bite the bullet, hunker down and not give up. Both have to work on the issues and agree to not bail out. One of the biggest indication of love is that you allow your partner to be at their worst but you don't give up on them - you tell them about your despair, you suggest ways you can help, you encourage them to improve for the sake of togetherness. And your partner's indication of love in this context will be to humbly accept that their behaviour / attitude is hurting you and because they love you, they cannot be selfish and continue to hurt you. Love is hard work. It means perseverance, never giving up easily, eating humble pie and apologising at times, never shutting the other partner out completely because sometimes when you decide to turn back and establish communication again, the other person might have turned cold already from being ignored or tossed aside meanwhile. There's no magic formula. Just a lot of hard work. So... trying to resurrect the feel-good feelings of having a gf, ie. the emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy, without meaning to make any of those ladies more than an NSA partner, is dubious from an ethical perspective. You are hurting a lot of women in the process and whether you call it fate / divine justice / karma / whatever, what goes around comes around... eventually. The kindest thing you can do to your future NSA partners, and also the best thing you can do for yourself, is to take a good look at your situation and ask yourself why you aren't going all out to look for that intimate relationship in the first place. What are the barriers? If you are interested in reading articles by psychologists and counsellors that might throw a spotlight on the situation, try googling "commitmentphobic" and "emotional unavailability". I find it really commendable that you are very frank. None of us are perfect so I hope you aren't thinking that I'm criticising you, I'm not. Instead, I wish we could all enjoy close relationships and not deprive ourselves of love and especially not sabotage our chances at love just because we are hurt or have other issues that we aren't aware of. Life is very empty, very one-dimensional and meaningless without love. NSA's are just the tip of the iceberg. They aren't real relationships. They are more like... user-ships, using one another to satisfy sexual urges. Physical lust can be quelled. But the soul's longing for spiritual and emotional connection will remain starved! We are multi-dimensional people capable of such wonderful and deep relationships, why settle for anything less? NSA's should only be a temporary stop-gap measure. If NSA's become THE lifestyle, one should start to worry about the repercussions down the road.
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RHP User
9 years ago
that.. what works for one maybe completely foreign and out of the realm for anotherfor some a momentary escape for others a lifestyle choice... Meeting in a Lift We stepped into a lift. The two of us, alone.We looked at each other and that was all.Two lives, a moment, fullness, bliss.At the fifth floor she got out and I went upknowing I would never see her again,that it was a meeting once and for all,that if i followed her I would be like a dead man in her tracksand that if she came back to meit would only be from the other world.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'SNAG4XTC' Re: Stop the intimacy and the problem goes away. True. But that is the cream...the difference between ok and great. It's like swapping gourmet for McDonald's. Unfortunately we all have to compromise sometimes, and forego one thing to have another. That's life. In this instance, you either tone down the expressions of intimacy (or whatever it is you're doing, I'm still not really clear on that), or you keep running into the problem of women becoming attached. You say you are still learning and that's fine, you will almost certainly discover sooner or later that if you want to keep things at a FWB level only then you need to implement some boundaries in your actions.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Your comment is one big judgement. Have a reread of the first paragraph. I think I got part way through the second paragraph and stopped reading. Seriously, what are you doing on here if you're judging people like that. You're quoting or referencing a psychological study on online datiing? We don't want to be analysed, we just want to have sex, is that alright with you? (we meaning the dtf amongst us). Don't bother writing an essay response, I won't read it, doubt anyone else would either. Here's a little clarity for you. Though I agree the smooth talk needs to be pulled back so as not to make the woman think he's in love, as opposed to lust, there's a big difference between smooth talk and intimacy. The intimacy I have with my partners is what makes the sex great. You don't seem to understand that and assume the sex we're having is not as good, if only you knew how mindblowing it is for me and company, and I assume the same for others who engage in casual sex. I hope you get to one day. Maybe you can come and watch one day. I think you're confusing dogging for nsa (I hate the term nsa but following on from previous comments). Think about it, your stance here is like if you were to go onto the forum on an atheist website and slam down the bible and preach to the non-believers lol it's laughable, you're in the wrong place and I've never said that, well not so directly, to anyone. I know you might like the forum but you need to find the right website for you. This is not the one, my 2 cents
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RHP User
9 years ago
pretty much nailed it
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RHP User
9 years ago
Excellent post. Exactly what happened to me at the beach a few days ago. A very intimate experience, not more than two sentences spoken, basically nice day, I then asked if he'd like some company, he did, I did, simple as that. Then it was two people, rest of the world stops, erotic slow massage working all over my body, running his fingers inside my bikini tops, in the beginning only hinting at going further, I leaned back, closed my eyes, moved my hips a little and moaned quietly, my head starts to fall to each side, chemical stuff going nuts, pussy exploding, incredible under the warm sun. He loved kissing so lots of kissing, very intimate. We had a swim, back and the beach and more of the above, then laid there for a while with my head on his chest. He told me what an amazing body I had. He did everything right. He made me feel like the sexiest person on the beach and he meant it, he was flat out turned on. We then walked back to the cars together and he's called me and wants to see me again. So before any judgement is made about casual sex, that's how easy it can be, yet hot as fuck, a dream come true, a fantasy. How others choose to do it, up to them, but don't judge . My nerve endings are very responsive and I know how to 'breathe a guy in', a magical combination, guys love it. It's taken me all my life to finally be this comfortable and sexually responsive, along with flat out fuckin horny all the time, I'm not apologising to anyone. Bit of a rant but had to be said. Anyone doesn't like it pfft
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RHP User
9 years ago
Sensitive New Age Guy? Says it all really.. And now I will be unkind. You want people to like you,you want women in particular to like you,no,more than like you.. Did you read the Pick Up Artist? In the short term we can all choose to charm the pants of people,if we choose the right target..it is NOT intimacy it is game playing to suit your jaded ego..You honey are just a Player wrapped in a suit of give ' a damns..Freya
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RHP User
9 years ago
The intimacy is erotic, primal and raw. In the moment.That connection of minds. Lust. It doesnt mean you are leading anyone on, and Im sure you say upfront how you arent looking for a relationship. And the other party agrees that they arent either. And then it gets awkward when they totally change their mind, because it was such a good connection,and want a lot more of you. Ive even had the text of, "why are you back online, I thought we were good together" ( fuck me!! Youre obviously on there too) Suppose some people will look at it as being a player. I dont. Some people can and do experience amazing people and have amazing sexual chemistry,who are on the same wavelength. And it can continue and build into ongoing casual meetings. Its when one side starts trying to manipulate it into something else that it can lose the initial reasons for attraction.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' Your comment is one big judgement. Have a reread of the first paragraph. I think I got part way through the second paragraph and stopped reading. Seriously, what are you doing on here if you're judging people like that. You're quoting or referencing a psychological study on online datiing? We don't want to be analysed, we just want to have sex, is that alright with you? (we meaning the dtf amongst us). Don't bother writing an essay response, I won't read it, doubt anyone else would either. Here's a little clarity for you. Though I agree the smooth talk needs to be pulled back so as not to make the woman think he's in love, as opposed to lust, there's a big difference between smooth talk and intimacy. The intimacy I have with my partners is what makes the sex great. You don't seem to understand that and assume the sex we're having is not as good, if only you knew how mindblowing it is for me and company, and I assume the same for others who engage in casual sex. I hope you get to one day. Maybe you can come and watch one day. I think you're confusing dogging for nsa (I hate the term nsa but following on from previous comments). Think about it, your stance here is like if you were to go onto the forum on an atheist website and slam down the bible and preach to the non-believers lol it's laughable, you're in the wrong place and I've never said that, well not so directly, to anyone. I know you might like the forum but you need to find the right website for you. This is not the one, my 2 cents ........
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RHP User
9 years ago
I had a longer post written out, but from what I've read it is completely unjustified to suggest that SNAG is doing this with some malicious intent. Maybe if you automatically assume that, you should take a good look at the baggage you're carrying around.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
... then it is a really good idea to see what can be done to prevent more hearts from breaking in future. I don't know those ladies, but I feel sad for them because I can imagine the angst, confusion and pain they must have gone through. I think SNAG is commendable for bringing it up because it bothers him somewhat. I did mention that too. Everyone has baggages - that's called life. To assume it was my baggages that had anything to do with my comment is presumptuous. It was more like, if it bothers SNAG that the women he plays with kept on falling for him including an experienced swinger, and he is bothered by it, then let's discuss why and if it can be prevented in future so no more hearts are broken. That was all. If you guys choose to slap whatever labels on me simply because I have dared to discuss a topic, go on. I value the opinions of a few in here that I've grown to love and cherish. The harsh judgements and criticisms of the rest is just water off a duck's back to me. If you guys can interpret a desire to prevent more hearts from being broken in future in such a manner, then you guys really need to examine your own baggages and ask yourself why it's ok to not try to do anything to prevent that from happening. Where's the empathy for others?
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PurePeony
9 years ago
... I know you view yourself as some authority on casual sex etc but that's a self-proclaimed title. Everyone knows you have great sex all the time because you grab every opportunity to proclaim about it. You said, "Maybe you can come and watch one day." Did you just invite me to come and watch you have sex one day?! Stand back! Projectile vomiting! Who mentioned anything about dogging? And who hasn't had casual sex before? You do not own this site and you don't get to tell anyone how to use the forums nor to leave the forums. Sheesh...
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RHP User
9 years ago
I think that the variety of views aired only goes to show how individual we all are. Re: PurePeony. I recognize that you are talking in a general sense because you don't know the individual that I am. The relationship that I had with my wife was at least 90%. Indeed we were viewed, right to the end, as the bench mark couple. We remain good friends and never argued or fought during the separation process. The missing 10% was fun and adventure, both in the bedroom and in life. Sex became...have a wank and don't bother me.. And life became...Why don't you go out with your work mates instead? Answer...but I want to share the good times with you. Us separating was win-win because I got a second chance at finding 100%. So I am not commitment phobic, I just would rather stay single than enter a relationship that is destined to fail. When you find the right fit, is works. When you buy jeans...do you wrestle to get into them and use a coat hanger to do them up? Or do you move on and find that prefect fit that will remain your favorite forever, regardless of how tattered and worn they get? Re: Jules. Yep. That is so me. Re: Freya. I am not a pickup artist and never have been. I am the guy in the lift. Social media is awesome because it provides (shy at first people) a means of meeting people, and sharing some chat to establish whether there is a connection and mutual desire to actually meet. Re: Luck. Agreed. As such I only use RHP now as the woman on other sites, such as POF, are far too vulnerable. And I am putting a lot more emphasis on the "Friends" rather than the "Benefits". Re: Touch. You are a rarity. Confident, sexy and independent. You go girl. Re: Willow. Uh huh. My profiles have always been very clear about not wanting a relationship and I have found myself needing to re-iterate that constantly. When you initially chat, and later meet, the terms of engagement are discussed and agreed upon. You have a good time and it all changes. Now you are thought to be breaking the rules, because "it's different now". So you re-iterate the terms of engagement. It follows the path.. Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance. The 5 stages of loss...or as I call it... The emotional rollercoaster because it just keeps going around. Hence, I am much more selective now and seek like minded people who are comfortable with both their sexuality and their lives. Which is really what we all seek from RHP. To meet individuals/groups that are well aligned with our own individuality. And hats off to RHP for providing that platform without the fake profiles, etc that are rife throughout other sites. 😁 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
We all have different views points, standards and opinions. I think that the one thing that we all should agree on however, is that we all should exhibit respect towards others, even when our views are opposing. Group hug time. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Any site relating to sex will have a massive male following...and a hell of a lot of the men on them are single for a very good reason...they are ass-holes and have no respect. So you woman out there have a mine field to negotiate and no matter how careful you are, the law of probability is such that you will most likely cop your fair share. From what I can gather though, these forums seem to filter out the knuckle draggers. Maybe the literacy is beyond their mental capacity. Sorry...back to me (briefly). I think that the issues that I have had stem from the ass-holes. I have had several partners say "no-one has ever treated me like that" and I say "Really!! Why not? You've been dating the wrong guys" There are heaps of good guys out there. Don't give up. Chat lots before agreeing to meet. I appreciate that it must be exhausting at times but it is far safer than 2 strangers meeting at a pub. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Outside the bedroom what are you like? I think the same way as Willow. Intimacy plays a massive role in how passionate and rewarding the sex is. But how are you with them the rest of the time? Are you immersed in them? Or are you laid back, having a laugh, chatting to one of your mates? Unfortunately sometimes people mistake emotional intimacy with love. And maybe you have phenomenal pheromones 😉😉😉
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RHP User
9 years ago
I posted my message and then all of yours came up 😉 Hmm arseholes? Yep and sorry because I was one of those women. I chose my husband (i didn't realise at the time), because he treated me with respect, kindness and fairness I hadn't had before. He was "safe". Rather than really looking at what I wanted for me - even if that meant being single. I think you're doing everything with the best of intentions - it's just finding your feet. I feel the same ATM. And at the end of the day - it doesn't matter how clear you make yourself - unfortunately people can develop feelings. It's great you've chosen a site that will hopefully suit you better for now. But it also doesn't discount forming something meaningful if all the pieces just click.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Just keeping it real 😯
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RHP User
9 years ago
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PurePeony
9 years ago
You are one stellar bloke! I felt after reading your posts that you have a heart and that is why you were bothered by the feelings of the ladies. That is truly amazing and sadly, very rare these days. You're very diplomatic and slow to anger too. Instead of interpreting things negatively and using harsh words, you dealt with things very tactfully and you've chosen to see the bright side of things. Kudos to you! I love discussing issues and I spend a lot of time IRL sitting down, listening to friends and sometimes strangers, knowing more about them, hearing their stories, sharing their joys and laughter and I put in some volunteer time whenever I can doing just that. Hope we'll get to discuss more topics in future, controversial or otherwise.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' Just keeping it real 😯 Keep it real by never telling me again how to use this site because that is overstepping your boundary. I have kept it real by never telling you how to use it. I don't even know why you'd think I was criticising NSA because my comments weren't even about that. Who the hell cares if you like to do NSA or not? Certainly not me. Don't jump the gun and shoot your mouth off at me just because you feel like it because I ain't no sitting duck. And don't project your baggages on me either. What the hell was that preaching thing about?! Too much drama...
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'PurePeony' To assume it was my baggages that had anything to do with my comment is presumptuous. Quoting 'PurePeony' And don't project your baggages on me either. so I just thought these two snippets were worth a cocked eyebrow and a smirk.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Cocked eyebrow and smirk? Send me a photo 😉
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Summer_solstice' You wouldn't make fun of someone's spelling, especially when they may have been born in a non-English speaking country, would you? I also make little puppy dogs cry (I collect their tears and sell them on Etsy)... it's these pants I tell you, they just make me do bad, bad things ;) Anyway, no, my post was about crying foul at the suggestion that 'baggages' influenced her post, but then doing that which was complained about in regards to I_Touch's post.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'S_OnTheLoose' Quoting 'Summer_solstice' You wouldn't make fun of someone's spelling, especially when they may have been born in a non-English speaking country, would you? I also make little puppy dogs cry (I collect their tears and sell them on Etsy)... it's these pants I tell you, they just make me do bad, bad things ;) Anyway, no, my post was about crying foul at the suggestion that 'baggages' influenced her post, but then doing that which was complained about in regards to I_Touch's post. Have to say that soft is on the money here. I too would like to see the cocked eyebrow and smirk, in those pants of course
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RHP User
9 years ago
...
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RHP User
9 years ago
I'm jealous
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RHP User
9 years ago
I saw the cocked eyebrow too. That look of "" what the fuck are you doing Willow??", when I drunkenly plonked myself on S_OnTheLoose's lap at a meet&greet. 😝 Well, I needed to sit down ok!!
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RHP User
9 years ago
Stop, I can't take anymore 😠
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RHP User
9 years ago
Lolololol Summer - well I've seen a snap, but sadly missed the chance of a personal inspection on the weekend sigh! But you go girl! 😘
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RHP User
9 years ago
Maybe cock.....ed eyebrow and smirk belonging to a certain someone needs its own thread? (Can't leave out the chaps though) 😍
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RHP User
9 years ago
Contacting women is a hiding to nothing, the smart ones figure it out, the rest I don't care about.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting '50wetfigs' Contacting women is a hiding to nothing, the smart ones figure it out, the rest I don't care about. Do you mean the bit where he said to fart loudly during sex? I'm still laughing out loud about that
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RHP User
9 years ago
why do men seem to be so afraid of the word and concept of "relationship" when it is not equal to the constraints of exclusive relationship, partnership, or (shock horror!) engagement or marriage ... Relationship is defined as "the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected" Oxford Dictionary Relationship is everything we have in our interaction with other people - it might be a fuckbuddy we see 1x a month yet it is still a relationship - you are with an other person even if only for 2 or 3hrs .. FWB is a relationship also...it might not be based on love but surely it is on attraction especially if there is ongoing interaction - that is FRIENDS with BENEFITs. I am starting to think that men who are stating "I am not looking for a relationship" are either A, unfamiliar with the definition of relationship (see def. above) B, want a free hooker (and I reckon there is a difference between a hooker and an escort - the hooker would not even want to remember your name) I am a woman, I am looking for a "relationship" which might be staying on the level of FWB, I might have one or two fuckbuddy on the list (just in case FWBs are not available) or one day might find a Boyfriend even if that relationship is not exclusive it would be nice...but why are men so anti -"relationship"..puzzles me...IF I wanted no relationship of any kind - that is no interaction with another human being- then I go and deep dive in my toybox...
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RHP User
9 years ago
Following this discussion with interest.. Please dont shoot me down too harshly..its my first time!..and I' d rather not have PTSD after it.. I guess one the difficulties some people encounter on this site and others is the conflict between the different roles we all have in various aspects of life..having a role is not playacting..its essential so we function effectively. My work role is different from my dad, husband, lover, casual orgy participant, etc.. Its usually automatic and we sometimes dont realise we are doing it. Sometimes we are aware of it. The difference is if we use it in a half truth manipulative and exploitative way( bad!) or if we are open and honest about the different facets of our life with a playmate/ playmates..and where they fit in that. That doesn't mean we are have to reveal all our entire lifestory or deepest thoughts. Depends on the level of relationship. I suspect we've all experienced our teenage tantrum buttons being pressed by our parents no matter what age we are and with insight we know that we are reacting immaturely..but are powerlesss to stop the reactions that ensue.. Participants in this game need to be 100% clear about their roles. I am seperated but my primary life partner and committment remains..and will always be ..my wife and kids. No discussion. But that does not mean I cannot have sexual and emotional relationships of variable depth and length with others.As long they know where I stand from the outset and the boundaries are reviewed periodically to ensure still intact. Not easy and fraught with booby traps. But we are human.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'SYDnobarbie' why do men seem to be so afraid of the word and concept of "relationship" when it is not equal to the constraints of exclusive relationship, partnership, or (shock horror!) engagement or marriage ... Relationship is defined as "the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected" Oxford Dictionary Relationship is everything we have in our interaction with other people - it might be a fuckbuddy we see 1x a month yet it is still a relationship - you are with an other person even if only for 2 or 3hrs .. FWB is a relationship also...it might not be based on love but surely it is on attraction especially if there is ongoing interaction - that is FRIENDS with BENEFITs. I am starting to think that men who are stating "I am not looking for a relationship" are either A, unfamiliar with the definition of relationship (see def. above) B, want a free hooker (and I reckon there is a difference between a hooker and an escort - the hooker would not even want to remember your name) I agree with your technical description of a relationship. But I think it is fair to assume they're using the normal meaning of the word relationship that the majority of people would expected - and that you didn't also mean a transitive, symmetric or reflexive or a finitary relationship between tuples. Similarly, with all those people saying "they're just out of a relationship and seeking no strings attached", I didn't think they'd just broken up with an avid human marionette role player. Descriptions I've seen have included "ongoing FWB" or "fuckbuddy not a one night stand", which seems to adequately describe the type of relationship.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'SYDnobarbie' why do men seem to be so afraid of the word and concept of "relationship" when it is not equal to the constraints of exclusive relationship, partnership, or (shock horror!) engagement or marriage ... Relationship is defined as "the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected" Oxford Dictionary Relationship is everything we have in our interaction with other people - it might be a fuckbuddy we see 1x a month yet it is still a relationship - you are with an other person even if only for 2 or 3hrs .. FWB is a relationship also...it might not be based on love but surely it is on attraction especially if there is ongoing interaction - that is FRIENDS with BENEFITs. I am starting to think that men who are stating "I am not looking for a relationship" are either A, unfamiliar with the definition of relationship (see def. above) B, want a free hooker (and I reckon there is a difference between a hooker and an escort - the hooker would not even want to remember your name) I agree with your technical description of a relationship. But I think it is fair to assume they're using the normal meaning of the word relationship that the majority of people would expected - and that you didn't also mean a transitive, symmetric or reflexive or a finitary relationship between tuples. Similarly, with all those people saying "they're just out of a relationship and seeking no strings attached", I didn't think they'd just broken up with an avid human marionette role player. Descriptions I've seen have included "ongoing FWB" or "fuckbuddy not a one night stand", which seems to adequately describe the type of relationship.
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