F50
Lost in this Masquerade
February 26 2016
Comments
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Quoting 'SYDnobarbie' why do men seem to be so afraid of the word and concept of "relationship" when it is not equal to the constraints of exclusive relationship, partnership, or (shock horror!) engagement or marriage ... Relationship is defined as "the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected" Oxford Dictionary Relationship is everything we have in our interaction with other people - it might be a fuckbuddy we see 1x a month yet it is still a relationship - you are with an other person even if only for 2 or 3hrs .. FWB is a relationship also...it might not be based on love but surely it is on attraction especially if there is ongoing interaction - that is FRIENDS with BENEFITs. I am starting to think that men who are stating "I am not looking for a relationship" are either A, unfamiliar with the definition of relationship (see def. above) B, want a free hooker (and I reckon there is a difference between a hooker and an escort - the hooker would not even want to remember your name) I am a woman, I am looking for a "relationship" which might be staying on the level of FWB, I might have one or two fuckbuddy on the list (just in case FWBs are not available) or one day might find a Boyfriend even if that relationship is not exclusive it would be nice...but why are men so anti -"relationship"..puzzles me...IF I wanted no relationship of any kind - that is no interaction with another human being- then I go and deep dive in my toybox... I agree with you! If I am after marriage, I will not look for it from men who are on RHP, tbh. My impression thus far is that most guys here are smooth talkers and very charming because they want one thing out of you, but you never know how many women they are concurrently smooth-talking. I always remind myself to be realistic about this situation. Of course, not all the guys here are like that but isn't it fair to say that the majority are just looking for hook-up's / FWB's / FB's / NSA's and therefore, to never view any of them as exclusive relationship material until and unless it is explicitly discussed? First and foremost, we have to watch our own backs. What I do respect is the one guy I have met on here who is very frank, very upfront, and not into smooth-talking or "glossing over details". Unlike some men, he doesn't send out a vibe that makes me highly uneasy when he says he's going out with "friends". You know how when some guys say that, they are kinda trying to make you feel jealous? I don't know how to explain it but some guys say that and you feel ok about it, others say it and it's the body language / tone / whatever vibe but it just makes you super uneasy? Maybe it's the intention behind how it's said? You know some guys use it to make you feel jealous whilst others say it because they are simply stating a fact and there's no further motivation behind it. He ranks high in terms of trustworthiness because he lays his cards on the table and doesn't pretend to fake anything more serious than what it is. We meet occasionally for coffee and nothing more and I feel really respected as a person, not just a plaything. He's even patient enough to tolerate my yakking and even when he disagrees, he's very gentlemanly, calm and polite about it! LOL!!! Now, that's a Friend with a capital "F"! And the reward is going to be lots of "F"ing's of another sort! LOL!!! If only men can understand that not all women are after marriage. And not all women are that easily convinced that the guys we meet make good mates for marriage. Those of us who value our independance and aren't desperate to be shackled aren't going to be so "easy", eh? SYDnobarbie, I feel like we are on the same page re. this issue. When I am with a man, I want to feel a connection, I want us both to feel good, perhaps even act out the fondness thing but it's only for that moment, and it's just because I like to make a man feel good and important that way. I never want a man to feel that he's been used as a living dildo! LOL!!! I love to be feminine and I like my men to feel masculine. However, when we leave, I return to my own world and don't obsess about him. Some guys go running scared when I treat them fondly because they probably think I want something more. Unfortunately, they have no idea that my history shows that I don't find it so easy to trust a man completely and a few have mentioned "marriage" to me and/or proposed to me only to have me running faster than that Roadrunner cartoon character! LOL! I have very high yardsticks when it comes to trustworthiness and loyalty simply because I am lucky to have lots of guy friends who treat me well. Thanks to my wonderful friends, my yardstick has been raised. Hehe! When I gave Mr Dream Boat a nice box of chocs as a belated b'day gift, I could sense that he wasn't very thrilled about it. Instead of feeling happy that his b'day mattered to me and I'm sending him my best wishes, you could almost see cold sweat dripping from his forehead because he thought I was after something much more. It's so sad that nice gestures can be interpreted wrongly. If any of my friends have their birthdays, I always try to do something nice for them. It's never a bribe in order to get something! So sad that you can't do something nice for someone only to have them misinterpret it. The easy way around this misunderstanding is simple communication. Ask. Tell. Just ask a lady what she is after, and tell her what you are after and not after. Honesty, Veracity, Transparency... Unfortunately, most men just disappear at the first signs of what they think is a woman's desire for "something more".
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RHP User
9 years ago
A lot of men are anti relationship because so many women just lie about there intentions, maybe some don't "lie" they are just self deluded, the end result is the same you start as FB or FWB and a couple of months later your being interrogated over where you spend your time and who with when your not with her, and why, and whats wrong with spending time with me blah blah.Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' Quoting '50wetfigs' Contacting women is a hiding to nothing, the smart ones figure it out, the rest I don't care about. Do you mean the bit where he said to fart loudly during sex? I'm still laughing out loud about that No I meant the bit on page 2 that I liked.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Its happened to me with guys, so its not just a female thing. Cards on the table early in the piece, both on the same page. All sweet and cruising along nicely. Then one side gets more invested than the other and it starts to get suffocating because it changes dynamics. "So where is this going?" is thrown out there. Why does it have to go somewhere!! Its cruising along nicely. Enjoy it, dont fuck it up.
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RHP User
9 years ago
To use the analogy of advanced life support..ABC..(airway, breathing, circulation)..no matter whats happening to the rest of the body..even if a leg is about to fall off..you HAVE to come back and keep rechecking and stabilising the ABC..otherwise its panic, chaos and eventually flatline time..Easy for you and others to lose track of that and be distracted.. But get the ABC right and you can keep anyone alive whilst you attend to the other issues.Poly relationships in a nutshell it seems to me..Difference is that we choose this level of complexity to satiate/indulge/experiment our needs/desires/wants.
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RHP User
9 years ago
How about you look them in the eye and ask, your gut reaction to the facial expression us all you need, no words need be said.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
... is never static or flatline but it's always on a continuum. You peak, you trough... When I started the topic, I was kinda distressed and had somewhat lost control. Fast forward to today and it feels like I've learnt, I've adapted, and I've changed tactics and perspective. Thanks for sharing your experiences here, mate. I've taken the good tips on board. ;) I've observed that interpersonal dynamics steer the direction of the meetings. Some folks just put you at ease the same way others make you feel uneasy and you might not even be able to put a finger on the why's. It's best to just go with the flow - if it works, it works. If it doesn't, move on to the next one. Encounters here are afterall meant to be fun and if it becomes too tedious or too much of a brain fuck, cut your losses and move on before either party gets too attached. That's what it's all about, isn't it? Finding little morsels of bliss in measured doses just enough for us to step out to face the world and fight our private battles all over again.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I became aware that there was a guy who went to 500 (!) speed dates in SYD and he still said that has not been able to find a woman good enough for him for a relationship. Now assuming he is indeed straight - therefore indeed looking for a woman....500 and not 1 is good enough for him for a relationship?!!? There is no stats how many were good enough for a one-night stand but let's be conservative and say 10out of the 500..2%...so 98% of the women (or lets be adventerous and say 90% meaning he had sex with 50!) were simply not good enough for a "relationship"????? WTF???
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'SYDnobarbie' I became aware that there was a guy who went to 500 (!) speed dates in SYD and he still said that has not been able to find a woman good enough for him for a relationship. Now assuming he is indeed straight - therefore indeed looking for a woman....500 and not 1 is good enough for him for a relationship?!!? There is no stats how many were good enough for a one-night stand but let's be conservative and say 10out of the 500..2%...so 98% of the women (or lets be adventerous and say 90% meaning he had sex with 50!) were simply not good enough for a "relationship"????? WTF??? What did you want him to do, just select someone whether attracted or not? Not sure how the number is relevant, particularly when they're speed dates, he could 'date' 50 women in one night lol
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RHP User
9 years ago
lucky?
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' Quoting 'SYDnobarbie' I became aware that there was a guy who went to 500 (!) speed dates in SYD and he still said that has not been able to find a woman good enough for him for a relationship. Now assuming he is indeed straight - therefore indeed looking for a woman....500 and not 1 is good enough for him for a relationship?!!? There is no stats how many were good enough for a one-night stand but let's be conservative and say 10out of the 500..2%...so 98% of the women (or lets be adventerous and say 90% meaning he had sex with 50!) were simply not good enough for a "relationship"????? WTF??? What did you want him to do, just select someone whether attracted or not? Not sure how the number is relevant, particularly when they're speed dates, he could 'date' 50 women in one night lol My point is that does someone really have to date 500 times until they find 1 person who is good enough for them??? I mean 500? REALLY? I just heard that this latest farmer wants a wife thingy..which I did not watch so I dont know who is who...only 1 couple remained after the show recording was over..I thought there were 5men (farmers) who got the chance to pick from at least 100 beautifully styled, made up, intelligent, ready and available women and only 1 couple found love??? I mean surely one does not need 500 dates to find someone who is good enough...Humanity would have gone extinct in the middle ages if one would have needed 500 to choose from just to have 1 relationship (back in the days when marriage was compulsory to having sex).. I mean...500? OK there is 10 at a speeddating event so that would only take 50set of dates - let's say 1 per week - so 50weeks' effort - 1 year...do -able...But still? 500 dates, candidates until he can pick 1? Is this the norm? Is this how many frogs I have to kiss to find one to settle with in what is most likely to be a non-monogamous relationship??? 500?
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'SYDnobarbie' Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' Quoting 'SYDnobarbie' I became aware that there was a guy who went to 500 (!) speed dates in SYD and he still said that has not been able to find a woman good enough for him for a relationship. Now assuming he is indeed straight - therefore indeed looking for a woman....500 and not 1 is good enough for him for a relationship?!!? There is no stats how many were good enough for a one-night stand but let's be conservative and say 10out of the 500..2%...so 98% of the women (or lets be adventerous and say 90% meaning he had sex with 50!) were simply not good enough for a "relationship"????? WTF??? What did you want him to do, just select someone whether attracted or not? Not sure how the number is relevant, particularly when they're speed dates, he could 'date' 50 women in one night lol My point is that does someone really have to date 500 times until they find 1 person who is good enough for them??? I mean 500? REALLY? I just heard that this latest farmer wants a wife thingy..which I did not watch so I dont know who is who...only 1 couple remained after the show recording was over..I thought there were 5men (farmers) who got the chance to pick from at least 100 beautifully styled, made up, intelligent, ready and available women and only 1 couple found love??? I mean surely one does not need 500 dates to find someone who is good enough...Humanity would have gone extinct in the middle ages if one would have needed 500 to choose from just to have 1 relationship (back in the days when marriage was compulsory to having sex).. I mean...500? OK there is 10 at a speeddating event so that would only take 50set of dates - let's say 1 per week - so 50weeks' effort - 1 year...do -able...But still? 500 dates, candidates until he can pick 1? Is this the norm? Is this how many frogs I have to kiss to find one to settle with in what is most likely to be a non-monogamous relationship??? 500? I know 500 sounds extreme but from where I sit, for me personally, not talking numbers as much as time I suppose, I don't know I'll ever find the right person, who's the right 'fit' for me. For a monogamous relationship, I would imagine that needle in the haystack would be a lot harder to find? By that I mean they're looking for someone who needs to do it for them long term, because they're going to be exclusive, so it's a huge decision. I guess I understand what you're saying but don't think anyone should ever settle just for the sake of having a partner. Not inferring that's what you meant, but that guy, if no-one appealed, will continue looking until the right person whacks him over the head with the lightning bolt lol which is the way it should be IMHO
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RHP User
9 years ago
also speed dating isn't probably a good indication, given that they don't have much time, though only an introduction before a real date I know. Perhaps no-one was attracted to him lol shit, after 500, I'd be getting worried
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RHP User
9 years ago
I have no idea what this is about any more, what you want or what you are confused about, and frankly op, I don't think you do either !
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RHP User
9 years ago
I think it depends on where the frog pond is and whether or not the pond has frogs in it who want a commitment . If the frogs are over thirty most will not want o pair bond..theones in my pond do their group sexing thing quite happily..They can go all night ..I can hear them😝xxFreya
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MrMechanic
9 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' lucky? Lucky Phil 500 women, no sex
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' also speed dating isn't probably a good indication, given that they don't have much time, though only an introduction before a real date I know. Perhaps no-one was attracted to him lol shit, after 500, I'd be getting worried he was not satisfied with the 500 speed-dates he had...it took him 500 to find someone "worthy"... I understood he was doing this as a "field experiment" or something so that he can give speeches and training but I just cannot get my head around it...why is he willing to do 500 speed dates - basicly wasting 500 women's time if his intentions were not serious (e.g I reckon he wanted to make it to the 500 so the first 200 or so ladies had ZERO chance -how cruel is that!) or he is really THAT picky that hardly a few % of 500 women would ever be good enough for him....but then is he for real??? are we -society-anticipating too much from the 1 and only? Or the dozen or so "1 and only" and no I am not writing a book or a blog or anything like that... I am single..which seems to an issue as I will not have time to speed date 500 men...
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Probity' Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' lucky? Lucky Phil 500 women, no sex Lucky Phil lmfao
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RHP User
9 years ago
yeah fair enough. We should have RHP speed dating lol wonder if lucky Phil is on here
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Psst, SYDnobarbie! This would have made a great topic for discussion during the Meet and Greet, when we were sitting on the same couch, and before you got zapped by the faulty aircon! LOL!!! Google "serial dater" and read some of the articles. You'll find it an eye opener. If someone dates 500 people and can't even find one good enough to inspire one to be in a relationship, then one probably just wants a perfect custom-ordered barbie to one's specifications without wanting to put in the hard yakka that is required to make a relationship work. No human is perfect and everyone has good days and bad days. There's also a quote somewhere that says something like, "The more people you date, the harder it is for you to fall in love." I think when one is spoilt for choice, one becomes paralysed by the sheer variety. There's this thought that there's always someone better / prettier / slimmer / sexier / more fuckable / hornier, etc etc etc. I've heard a few elderly folks comment before that in their time, they would just meet a decent, nice person, get married, and settle down. Now, we're always seeking for that illusive and elusive perfect dream mate! I had a really in-depth and interesting chat with a colleague just this evening. She has been married to the same man for 38 years now! He was her first love and vice versa and they married at the age of 20. The first 10 years was hell-ish and at this point, another person joined in the conversation and agreed that though she has been married for more than 20 years, the first few years were sheer hell too. She had, in fact, read somewhere that at some point in your early years of marriage, you may become so angry / frustrated that you wish the other person will die a violent death. (!!!) Anyway, relationships always go through this stage and if you stick it out together, you will eventually sail out of the stormy seas and enjoy a tranquil voyage in scenic waters. I'm listening to these two ladies! Stick-ability and perseverance with a dash of patience and hope. Now to look for a man who is prepared to weather the stormy seas with me. PS. Woohoo!!! If things get tumultous, there's always fabulous make-up sex to look forward to! Harharhar!
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PurePeony
9 years ago
What do you think of this : You may not have found the perfect mate, but if both of you share the same values and are willing to commit to making the relationship work, you can have an almost-perfect relationship with two very imperfect people. OK... this being RHP, I can almost visualise the guys and ladies wanting casual encounters reading about "relationships" and throwing Grand Mal seizures! LOL! Better stop before the casualties pile up!
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'SYDnobarbie' Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' also speed dating isn't probably a good indication, given that they don't have much time, though only an introduction before a real date I know. Perhaps no-one was attracted to him lol shit, after 500, I'd be getting worried he was not satisfied with the 500 speed-dates he had...it took him 500 to find someone "worthy"... I understood he was doing this as a "field experiment" or something so that he can give speeches and training but I just cannot get my head around it...why is he willing to do 500 speed dates - basicly wasting 500 women's time if his intentions were not serious (e.g I reckon he wanted to make it to the 500 so the first 200 or so ladies had ZERO chance -how cruel is that!) or he is really THAT picky that hardly a few % of 500 women would ever be good enough for him....but then is he for real??? are we -society-anticipating too much from the 1 and only? Or the dozen or so "1 and only" and no I am not writing a book or a blog or anything like that... I am single..which seems to an issue as I will not have time to speed date 500 men... why do you care so much about how he chooses to spend his time? and as to the "why", you answered it with the "it's a field experiment". I've spent a whole night collecting experimental data on buttered toast falling from various heights, or bingeing on tv shows, he practices talking to people and collecting speed dating data and anecdotes - sounds like it has a monetary payoff for him, plus he possibly has a bunch of women's numbers. The only time 'wasted' in a major way was the guys. He had to go through 500 x 5 minute 'dates', each woman only had to spend 5 minutes with him. If you know you're being presented with 500, why not wait and pick the best of the bunch. Unless you're particularly taken with one, waiting and then contacting 'the one' afterwards makes more sense since none of them represents a known loss at that point, if by the time you call they're off the market, no big deal, next cab off the rank.
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RHP User
9 years ago
See, I understand where you are getting at with "data collection"...but it was not just his time he wasted. He wasted the time (and attention and effort) of all those ladies as well- well at least 499 of them.. Those women would have prepared for the speed-date (1-1.5hrs of effort) invest in their "sales pitch" cos that is what a speed-date is about "pick me pick me" - worse than a job interview. Some of those women I reckon would have considered the guy - may be they went home with a "warm and fuzzy feeling" in their hearts (called hope) that they found someone they seemed to like and he might have liked them. Those women -surely-were honest with him about their life (what they do, what they like etc etc) in a face to face situation whereas he was not -(for the first 250 I bet he could not care less whether he was talking to a mirror or to an actual human being) .. The reason I am bringing this up cos looking at this example I understand how OP might have felt with the comment "lost in this Masquerade". OF course it is damn hard to read between the lines on profiles etc...but if one assumes and "confirms" (as much as possible) that the goals are aligned (e.g going to a speed date to find someone for a relationship - however long) then learning the complete opposite (as in the dude who did 500dates just to conduct a field study but not telling the participants that) it is pretty damn disappointing...
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'PurePeony' Psst, SYDnobarbie! This would have made a great topic for discussion during the Meet and Greet, when we were sitting on the same couch, and before you got zapped by the faulty aircon! LOL!!! Lol -yeah "sparks were flying" for real and I think you are right - I reckon there is no way a NORMAL, DOWN TO EARTH human being would have to date (or even speed date) 500 people to be able to choose 1 that is good enough...if this is the new norm then we - society- have a bloody long ladder to climb - DOWN! and lower our expectations...
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RHP User
9 years ago
Most speed dating sites seem to be offering the opportunity to meet fifteen potential matches...He may be doing this two or three times a week. You make an awful lot of assumptions about him and the women he is meeting Syd,...those women are also meeting fifteen men so all that effort of grooming etc is ot just for Mr 500 ... If they haven't exchanged phone numbers then neither is in doubt about the others intention towards them. And five minutes of someone's time particularly when they are there to meet 14 others,is neither here nor there. In life we meet thousands of people,I am in my 60s and I still haven't met anyone I would consider for a life partner.at least not a man who was available or who felt the same way about me. Perhaps out of the 500 there were women who interested him,but he didn't interest them xxFreya
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PurePeony
9 years ago
... that is what makes life so interesting and keeps us on our toes! We are all so different in our perspectives, our attachment styles, our preferences, etc. Some folks are very pro-choice - let people live however they wish to live. Others adopt a more cohesive, group-centered approach - people can live however they live provided it doesn't negatively impact the lives of others. And then there's the objective approach - it's all an experiment and people are just trying things out to figure things out and sentiments are out of the picture. Ah well, different strokes for different folks but it's good to air different views so that we can consider different dimensions of the same issue. Makes it interesting. Sometimes vexing as well, but as long as no personal insults are thrown, it makes life more dynamic. And yes, SYDnobarbie... the sparks flew that night! LOL!!! Maybe I shoulda followed you home! ROTFLMAO!!!
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Quoting 'SYDnobarbie' Quoting 'PurePeony' Psst, SYDnobarbie! This would have made a great topic for discussion during the Meet and Greet, when we were sitting on the same couch, and before you got zapped by the faulty aircon! LOL!!! Lol -yeah "sparks were flying" for real and I think you are right - I reckon there is no way a NORMAL, DOWN TO EARTH human being would have to date (or even speed date) 500 people to be able to choose 1 that is good enough...if this is the new norm then we - society- have a bloody long ladder to climb - DOWN! and lower our expectations... ...the crux of the matter is, people are starting to question the necessity and viability of investing in relationships. Most of us would have at some stage or other, invested time, energy, money and other precious resources into a relationship only to watch the ship sink. Try as we might, relationship is a boat that takes two to row safely to shore. One persevering and committed person is unfortunately not enough to stop the boat from capsizing. And people are unpredictable - you can be very happy for the first year and then everything turns turtle and feels "wrong". Or, you can have a tumultuous first year, and then there's a turnaround and things become hunky dory and you both row in synch again. Who knows how it's going to turn out? It doesn't take more than one nasty failed encounter to leave a huge scar on our hearts. Some of us recover and choose to be optimistic and hopeful. Others become so hurt and jaded that deep down inside, they might want to and even yearn for that elusive intimate relationship, but it's just not possible anymore without professional intervention and a very very patient and dedicated new partner. Most of us are in various stages in-between. Those of us who seek, never find. Those of us who try hard, never gain much. And so the cycle perpetuates... Freya, your comment brought me down to earth - What if, in my life, I never get to meet a man I love enough to want to take that leap into exclusivity? Like you said, you may be willing, but the other party may not be and vice versa. Too much salt, too little pepper, and the chicken is getting overcooked in the oven. If only there was a triple tried and tested recipe that guarantees success, like the AWW recipes or the American Good Housekeeping Institute recipes! LOL! These days, it appears as if one needs a big dose of Harry Potter magic spells to bring two people together and have the relationship work out. We have improved many areas of our modern day life. But relationships remain a huge, risky gamble with no guaranteed returns. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread... Therein lies the reason why some of us end up on RHP - there's no sign of land in sight, but we welcome anyone who would sit in our boat for a moment and row with us... if only for a little while. Sure beats being stagnant otherwise pussy... oops... the boat I mean, grows barnacles.
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RHP User
9 years ago
we are shooting ourselves in the foot as why would a guy want to wait 2 or 3 dates for sex with someone if he could get it on the first date? Are we setting the wrong expectations...or we have the wrong expectations.. gosh,I just feel dating in the 21st century has become such a minefield...damn if you , damn if you don't... things -seem- to have been much simpler 40-50years ago hmm..I might need to go and see the gypsy who told me "you will find the love of your life once you crossed a big big ocean"...Need to clarify exactly WHICH ocean she meant
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RHP User
9 years ago
Always reminds me of The Whitlams song Up Against the Wall..... "if she's one in a million, then there's 5 more just in NSW" And that was a long time ago, I'm sure the population has increased significantly since then.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I agree with a lot of your last comments. When you look at a traditional relationship there are a few factors that hold the majority of weight - attraction (at least initially), effective communication, values, mateship, respect. Looking at it there would be a large number of people that you could settle down with. Compromise is usually the main component in a long term relationship. You have two individuals ever evolving. Effective communication is critical. It doesn't matter how much you love someone or how much they turn you on, or that you have the same values. If you can't communicate you're done. A lot of people in long haul content relationships are very effective communicators. It doesn't mean that they necessarily love each other more than the couple always breaking up and smashing the crockery. It means they learnt how to speak to one another. Again I believe that one person cannot provide you with everything you need. And it's unfair to expect someone to be "the whole package" the whole time. That's what friends and family and your own passions are for. The mistake a lot of people make is thinking they can change or control their partner. That moving onto a major life event - marriage, kids etc will somehow makes things better. Although I said as long as certain factors are there - you can have a great relationship - is that what you (everyone) wants. We will grow up with this picture in our head of getting married to one person. There are reality shows on it, reality shows just on weddings, on picking a dress etc. A lot of people still don't reflect on what they really want. For some it's necessary to share their life and residence with one person for life. For others it's more important to have loved and let go than fight on as the risk of making each other unhappy. As humans most of us still hold the belief that someone can make us happy. When in fact it's up to us to make our own happiness - and then bring another along for the ride. A lot of people still rely on their partner to fulfil them and often come up empty. It sure is nice to share your life with one person, but maybe by being more open that main relationship can serve each person more. The pressure to be "all" is reduced. A long term relationship can flourish with communication, appreciation and mutual respect. And yet no love in the world can hold some together.
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asiacouple
9 years ago
Interesting thread... quickly skimming through the words... somehow evokes the image of someone looking for a piece of gold in an endless stretch of beautiful beach... ... only looking at the sand... while the surrounding beauty passes by unnoticed...
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PurePeony
9 years ago
... or sumthin', but things have shifted for me. I suddenly have an irresistible urge to run freely! My culture, my upbringing, my background, etc etc all points towards a certain type of relationship. But if I stop and listen to my heart and my natural inclinations, it's actually for a "Together Apart" relationship. Since I was a little kiddo, if I am constantly surrounded by people and don't get any time to myself where I can get lost in my own little world, I turn cranky. I function best in relationships where it's not too cloying and where each has the privilege of having their own space. It's not so much a "because I love you, I want to be with you 24/7" but rather more of a "because I love you, I respect your need for your private space and time, and I hope you'll reciprocate too". However, the need for personal time and space is not an endorsement to compromise on the quality and intensity of love and devotion. My heart may be overflowing with love for someone, but it does not override my need for private space. I think I was caught up in a bit of a mind funk initially because well, I was stepping out of my box of imposed and learned conventions. To un-learn all that, challenge it and come up with a peaceful resolution is not an easy process. Soft, thanks for sharing. Lots of brilliant tips in there! I learnt something from my delightful Uber driver yesterday. He's happily married for six years, but he revealed that when he first met his wife, he wasn't interested in her at all. He could've stopped seeing her after the first date, but he decided to be a bit patient and give her the benefit of the doubt, that she might simply be nervous and it might take her a while to get over the shyness and nervousness of meeting someone new. By the 5th date, he realised that, hey... there is something precious there! They are now happily married with kids and he shudders to think of what would have happened if he had judged her based on one date alone. He thinks that people are too impatient these days - we write someone off after the first date. But if we had been a bit more understanding / kind / patient / considerate, that person we were so ready to strike off might just have been the one! I get what he is saying, but we can't deny that there are just certain personalities which simply will not work for us and with us. I thought I'd share this encounter because it is food for thought. ;)
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bianca_dd
9 years ago
Your profile lists you Peony as 40 and you are amazed that men exude lies, deceitfulness and selfishness. I don't wish to sound rude but have you been living under a rock lol? It is in their DNA. Those traits are as natural to them as breathing. Fortunately I have a partner who made it easy for me to identify those types i.e. Simply, any person who has only Y chromosomes. If you see the lips move it's a lie. To answer your questions; - Did you initially get "burnt" when you were new to this site? yes several times - How long did it take for you learn how to "play the game" right without getting burnt? I followed my partners Y chromosome rule - How do you keep your emotions at bay with your FWB(s)? I have none it is simply sex - If you have more than one FWB's, was that your intention in the first place, or was it an arrangement that just evolved? It was the intention - Did you start off with a certain set of rules and you basically had to amend those rules in the end? Sure did - How do you quickly pick out men who really just want Fuck Buddies / NSA's and those who are sincere about FWB's? There is no difference ( refer to the Y chromosome rule) - What safety measures do you use to protect yourself when meeting people from this site? I refer to the Y chromosome rule
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'bianca_dd' Your profile lists you Peony as 40 and you are amazed that men exude lies, deceitfulness and selfishness. I don't wish to sound rude but have you been living under a rock lol? It is in their DNA. Those traits are as natural to them as breathing. Fortunately I have a partner who made it easy for me to identify those types i.e. Simply, any person who has only Y chromosomes. If you see the lips move it's a lie. So that means your partner with his Y chromosome also lies every time his lips move. So how can you trust what he says about anything? (Don't tell me....he's the one man in the world that is completely honest ).
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'bianca_dd' Fortunately I have a partner who made it easy for me to identify those types i.e. Simply, any person who has only Y chromosomes. If you see the lips move it's a lie. how on earth are you finding these creatures from science fiction with only Y chromosomes? that's some Buck Rogers 25th century stuff right there - maybe they have to lie to maintain the space time continuum when they travelled here from their future world in a parallel dimension. I think YY people only exist inside Area 51. (Do they have saucers or Deloreans?)
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PurePeony
9 years ago
Quoting 'bianca_dd' Your profile lists you Peony as 40 and you are amazed that men exude lies, deceitfulness and selfishness. I don't wish to sound rude but have you been living under a rock lol? It is in their DNA. Those traits are as natural to them as breathing. Fortunately I have a partner who made it easy for me to identify those types i.e. Simply, any person who has only Y chromosomes. If you see the lips move it's a lie. I have been pretty lucky in the sense that my ex bf's and ex-FWB's were mostly nice blokes. Even after the relationships have ended, I can still look back now and then with a fond smile. Most of my breakup's are amicable and I am still friends with a few ex's. The men in my life have actually raised the bar for all future bf's and FWB's! Hehe! I did meet a few men who probably felt guilty that their intention was to just hump and dump me that they had a sincere heart-to-heart talk with me or they decided not to proceed or they started to treat me with more respect. Strangely enough, the common reason these men cited was - they sensed that I was a genuine person, rather wholesome, and they had no heart to "play" me and use me the way they would with others. Those who try to do so, I usually do not give time of day because I can call their bluff and like a close friend has commented before, I do not suffer fools. So... yes, I am no spring chicken, and yes, I have met the liars, the cheaters and the selfish men. But overall, there are more good men in my life and in my social circles than bad ones. There are several men I know of who are really good role models and I admire their exemplary lives. Despite having met men who are nasty and selfish liars, I never want to make that my norm. These guys are the exceptions / minority, not the rule / majority in my life and I think it is imperative for every lady to learn very quickly how to sieve the wheat from the chaff, and to be highly selective about who we associate with so that we never grow bitter and cynical. It's also a personal choice that I like to assume that men are in general, gentlemen unless proven otherwise. It's not hard to discern because some men are so obnoxious and boorish, you can pick them out straight away. Thanks for responding to this discussion anyway. I was new to this and was curious how other ladies handled those issues.
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bianca_dd
9 years ago
S_ontheloose....... My original post was possibly worded poorly. At the time of scriibing it I was suffering from red wine dyslexia. When it comes to sex determining chromosomes guys have one Y and one X chromosome and girls have 2 X's. It is the Y chromosome that triggers the growth of the testes. When the testes grow this then triggers the development of the BS chromosome.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Absolutely, utterly, totally agree Bianca. I have never met, conversed or flirted with any guy who wasn't full of shit lol. I also agree with your comments about having NO emotions with regards to your FWBs/FBs it's just sex. I have a partner too so I fully agree. Keep the faith of the sisterhood babe xxxxx
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'PurePeony' Jules, I guess you are right. All that glitters is not gold and RHP is mainly for surface-deep only encounters. However, I do look forward to meeting some peeps on the forum because they are genuine and soulful. Softandcurious, it's great that you are cautious, and rightfully so. I suppose I really miss my FWB, but I forget that he is a rare gem. RHP is hardly the site to meet gems and the players far outnumber the genuine folks. I had a look at your profile - love your photos! Too bad you live far away from me or we could have a girls' night out! Are you going to attend the Meet and Greet next Saturday? Sydnobarbie, thanks for answering my questions. I'm learning, evaluating and modifying as I go along. I'll bear your tips in mind. Not all are looking for surface deep, if it's surface it's not a FWB let alone potential beyond. Tricky path to navigate I guess xo
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RHP User
9 years ago
Only 24 and such a negative opinion about men in general. I can only hope you meet some decent guys who change your mind eventually, because there are plenty of them. Ive met some great fellas on here, and some of them remain friends. I love spending time with them and value their friendship very much. It saddens me to hear this kind of talk. Well, I for one will not be in the Sisterhood. Yes, there are bullshitters but not just men, women too.
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neapolitan_guy
9 years ago
PurePeony my experience is different to yours. I read a profile a few times and write to what l remembered and try to start a conversation. I don't write to every post l come across just the ones I can relate to. I see it as I'm responding to her profile and her terms as what is in her profile l find appealing and l'm looking for the same or similar. Then what happens is the message usually sits unopened in my sent box or read and meet with silence or the rare "thanks but no thanks" to which l send a brief note thanking them for taking the time to read my profile and the pleasant surprise of a message. I generally wonder who's thanks but no thanks it is before I get to open the mail as some are from weeks or months ago and in all fairness there are some that have been more then as mentioned but I can count them on one hand. Perceptions are interesting, a way to see things or realise how l might appear to other people and women. I see some things now l didn't before, thanks to the following. SoftandCurious. I try to and want to message but doesn't go far or for long when messages aren't read. I wondered why read ones were meet with silence, thanks now l know the perception is possibly being bad in bed or a manipulator. That does confuse me because l treat or talk to people the same way l like to be treated myself, l'm not smart enough to manipulate people as l couldn't remember the lies to manipulate cause l easily distracted by bright shiny things and detail in some things sometimes. To be genuine is fantastic yet doesn't seem to out weigh the potential of being bad in bed or a manipulated. I generally send one message, l don't want to seem or be pushy and l guess that if l didn't get her interest in the message l wrote to her l won't get her attention by sending another ten saying the same thing, to message back and forth needs a reply, no reply l take the hint and move on. bianca_dd. I was in a relationship for 25yrs and the lies, deceitfulness and selfishness weren't mine. I don't claim to be better then anyone else but our relationship ended because we just disconnected, not from adultery, addiction or abuse. Like it takes two for a relationship to work it also takes two for it to not work. I spent 8months running to stand still to stop the relationship ending and the kids growing up in a broken home. After l accepted our fate l focused on the future of our three boys that will grow up to be men and them being good men, where is the deceit there. How is me being bitter and or broken be a positive influence on them, l'm not here to deceive anyone, how am l being selfish. Treating people the same way l like to be treated myself includes not hurting anyone, l've been burnt by people l couldn't put someone else through it. ange_babe. So by not being in the sisterhood by default I'm full of shit. Interesting if you walked in my shoes you'd believe that. Perhaps by stepping to the side and having a look, maybe were talking about people issues rather then gender issues. Moving forward and from my previous relationship l realised what didn't work, my failings, what l can't do and what l don't want. The banner on my profile was "looking for my fit" from what l don't want or can't do l look at what l can. I'd like a connection, a form of relationship with substance with loyalty, being close to someone as well as intimate l thought was the benefits part of fwb. So l'll get some more pop corn, settle in on the fora, write messages and then bet myself "unopened or silence". Cheers
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Mischeviouslad
9 years ago
Quoting 'ange_baby' Absolutely, utterly, totally agree Bianca. I have never met, conversed or flirted with any guy who wasn't full of shit lol. "Never"? So... how does your husband feel about the label? LOL
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PurePeony
9 years ago
I remember having a really interesting conversation with a few friends a while ago. We discussed how some of us seemed to attract mainly positive people and positive experiences in our lives whereas others were embittered by constant encounters with nasty, mean and manipulative people. We sorta came up with the following points : - On a subconscious level, like attracts like. It's kinda like a bully will be drawn to someone who could be bullied. Or someone who is out to cheat and tell lies and manipulate may make a beeline for someone he has identified as gullible and an easy target. - If you want to attract a person with certain qualities, ie. honest, sincere, genuine, ask yourself if you have the same qualities too because like does tend to attract like, generally speaking. Well... you can be "attracted" to someone totally different from you and it's good and exciting for a casual fling but after the orgasmic euphoria fades, do you guys share enough in common to sustain a relationship, be it FWB or whatever. - If you "aim high" and target people of "high calibre", do you have what it takes to attract their attention and keep them interested? ("high calibre" as defined by the very personal preferances of the individuals). I do meet nasty peeps but I do not let them linger on in my life. I do not like to hold on to the bad memories either. You cannot attract the positive if you hold on to the negatives. And no matter how hard it is, and I have experienced heart-wrenching incidents of unfairness, bullying, mean-spiritedness, etc, I refuse to let all that transform me into a cynical and jaded person. Instead, I choose to think about the awesome friends I have in my life and I appreciate them all the more whenever I bump into nasty folks. If we keep encountering liars and cheaters in our lives, then we might need to review our personal "censorship" practices and improve on our Quality Control measures! Hehehe! :P
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RHP User
9 years ago
just a bit gobsmacked by some of these comments so didn't comment on them before. Wow, just wow, sad indeed My husband wasn't/isn't a liar and a cheat/bad person, he's a fine individual, way too good for me lol my fuck buddies have also been fine individuals, the reason I chose them and continued to see them. quality people, all different, from different walks of life but nice guys that I trusted. As far as having no emotions with them, well that just doesn't work for me. I don't want to be in a relationship with them, but when I'm having sex/intimacy or developing a connection, there is always emotion, it has to be that way for me. It's still sex and then on with our lives sure, but the warmth and emotion is always there. Why bother otherwise IMHO If you have that attitude towards men, yeah lost for words again, wow, just wow
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Cat505
9 years ago
seriously who really thinks guys don't lie? Saying that the best place to suss them out is chat and the social meets.. As for FWB they are short lived, one or other usually develop feelings or get bored and move on. Tho you never know, I had drinks with a younger than my preferred, because he was persistent in chat and we were both going to the social meet later. Well 2 years later we were still seeing each other, he wanted marriage. But the age thing, we were at different points in life so I ended it and really I just want FWB. I have been on here 6 years on and off.. Made some good friends 😃
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RHP User
9 years ago
If you don't eat, you don't shit....if you don't shit, you die....lol where's the problem in that??
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Mischeviouslad
9 years ago
Just don't fish it out, wrap it in paper and stash in in ya handbag.
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Chillymofo
9 years ago
Here is the problem, How long does it take you to become friends with someone? friends with benefits Notice how the friends part is first. the issue could be that you are rushing this first part and not taking the time to form a friendship The second issue is that for every genuine bloke on these sites, there are 30 lazy players who are merely fishing. Its so easy to fish for sex on these sites that many guys have lost the art of romance, and dont know how to woo a lady.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Are we really happy with this lonely game we play? Looking for the right words to say.Searching but not finding understanding anywhere. We're lost in this masquerade.Both afraid to say we're just to far away from being close together from the start We tried to talk it over but the words got in the way. We're lost inside this lonely game we play. For what it's worth, I don't think we can broad-brush all men and/or women that we may encounter on this site (or most other interactive sites) which does then give us the opportunity to both question those we meet and be as selective as we may choose to be prior to making a decision to meet with anyone. Not all men will jump at every offer and neither will any woman that I would seek out as a friend. Therein lies the tale...the benefit is the friendship!
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'luvitruf' Here is the problem, How long does it take you to become friends with someone? friends with benefits Notice how the friends part is first. the issue could be that you are rushing this first part and not taking the time to form a friendship The second issue is that for every genuine bloke on these sites, there are 30 lazy players who are merely fishing. Its so easy to fish for sex on these sites that many guys have lost the art of romance, and dont know how to woo a lady. Your probably quite right. But it's just as likely that your rule applies to women as much as men on this site. Complacency can create the same results as desperation.
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RHP User
9 years ago
You hit it.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'willow_2' You hit it. ...to get it right sometimes. Can't help but think you would be one of those that I would find enchanting. Standing on formalities was never my strong suit.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Meet you around the back under the tree of enchantment in 10 mins. Haha. 😎
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RHP User
9 years ago
This is the age of Ancient Wisdom and Magic... meet you near the Tree of Enchantment and happy to read a few passages from the book. Not exactly literature inspired by Eros ...but it works for me.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I received a message from a man asking me if I was as interested in fishing as sex..I said no I had no interest in fishing...that was it 😂..xxFreya
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RHP User
9 years ago
Standing there by a broken tree Her hands are all twisted,she was pointing at me. I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes. She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky. She said,walk on over here to the bitter shade I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know that you're saved...
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RHP User
9 years ago
...wrote that song, Willow. It could be misunderstood for it's violence...albeit that is not my interpretation. Very sensual...very sexual.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I can honestly say I got what I signed up for. FWB is just that. It should be AWF acquaintances we fuck. I've met a few really sweet guys that as me just don't need to know each others life story. To share time with someone where each other is the only thing to share in the moment is often a shot of sanity. No expectations no let downs, no yesterday or tomorrow just now. I also believe nothing of what I hear and half of what I see. Open mind closed heart.
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PurePeony
9 years ago
... I am in an introspective mood tonight, I thought I'd bump this thread because so much has changed for me within a very short space of time. - Did you initially get "burnt" when you were new to this site? Yes. I didn't understand the unwritten rules of the game and I was a total newbie who had only had serious relationships or FWB's with a huge emphasis on the "Friends" role. - How long did it take for you learn how to "play the game" right without getting burnt? Approximately five months. - How do you keep your emotions at bay with your FWB(s)? I have learnt to give only as good as I get. Be unscrupulous with your resources because you need to protect yourself, especially your heart. Invest in a relationship only if there will be a decent and regular Return On Investment. Do not get involved in shady deals or ventures that will only end up in painful losses. Be a smart cookie! Mind over heart! “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. ~Maya Angelou "Remember this because it will happen many times in your life. When people show you who they are the first time believe them. Not the 29th. time. When a man doesn't call you back the first time, when you are mistreated the first time, when someone shows you lack of integrity or dishonesty the first time, know that this will be followed many many other times, that will some point in life come back to haunt or hurt you. Live your life in truth. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. You will survive anything if you live your life from the point of view of truth.” Oprah Winfrey If the FWB is someone who treats me well and can be a good friend, I reciprocate become relaxed and comfortable and have a ball of a time everytime we get together. But I have learnt never to put in more than he does. However, if the FWB is guarded and not open and frank, then I become guarded as well. I like to play fair and openness and trust has to work both ways. It also helps that at this moment in time, I have decided that I do not want a serious relationship but rather, close friendships with regular benefits so it's become easier to not get emotions involved. Once you have set a clear goal that you are determined to stick to, it's so easy to never lose track and get out of control. Practice makes perfect. I've learnt from the Kindergarten of Hard Knocks. And I've evolved. :) I've also learnt by talking to some of you or reading your posts. ;) - If you have more than one FWB's, was that your intention in the first place, or was it an arrangement that just evolved? Right now, I am starting on a clean slate with 0 FWB's. :D I have pressed the "Reset" button! If I can find a high-quality FWB, one is enough. :) If the FWB is proving to be more trouble than they are worth, cut them loose after giving x no. of chances. That way, you keep your staffing levels at an optimal number so you remain productive and you avoid redundancies. Hehehe! :P - Did you start off with a certain set of rules and you basically had to amend those rules in the end? Yes. I have become more confident, more streamlined, and I now have a much better idea of what works for me and what I want and what I don't. I have a better definition now of what is reasonable and acceptable behaviour and treatment from an FWB, and what is disrespectful behaviour that I will not tolerate. - How do you quickly pick out men who really just want Fuck Buddies / NSA's and those who are sincere about FWB's? Easy... how much time and effort do they invest into the arrangement and how much effort they make to ensure that you feel good and to make you feel appreciated. FWB's treat you with kindness, they communicate on a regular basis and they are interested in you as a person. If your sixth sense is sounding alarms and waving red flags and your lie detector is blinking madly, heed the warnings! I've recently congratulated an ex FWB who got married, I've attended the marriage of an ex bf several years ago, and I'm still in touch with a few ex's. It's all possible because we were open in our communication with each other, and we cared for each other as friends and never hurt nor lied to each other. It's possible if both sides lay their cards on the table and resolve conflicts in a mature, non-confrontational manner. I love my friends and FWB's! :D Basically, you have to be a braveheart initially because when you first start out and navigate uncharted waters and the stormy seas, you might meet all sorts - hot potatoes, burning hot coals, cactuses (aka pricks! LOL!!!), no-show's (phew!... haven't encountered them yet), hot-and-cold players, stonewallers, ice chillers, hot air balloons, etc. Well, I considered this journey as an experiment and adventure of sorts and have sustained a few injuries here and there, but no fatal injuries thus far. Phew... the last time I checked, the heart's still beating! :) If you hear the sound of my heart starting to break, please come forward with some Band Aid's! ;) *End of 1st and 2nd Quarter Progress Report*
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Seachange
9 years ago
Sorry cant read all the long posts and your musings. I do on occasions have a short attention span It seems you have managed to talk yourself out of your self imposed moratorium on meeting fwbs on this site after letting go a bit of some of your long held beliefs that I think stops you from experiencing and fully exploring the fwb scenario with such high expectations. Personally I think you were over thinking things rather than letting things develope organically. I don't mean to offend and you have every right to have high expectations but whether they are realistic or grounded based on the nature of this site, you are settling yourself up for disappointment. Maybe just my take as I did not have the time nor patience to read all the long posts. All good I hope. 😉 Take care and happy searching
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PurePeony
9 years ago
I write solely because it gives me pleasure, not to cater to people's attention spans nor patience or lack of thereof. I don't read everyone's comments either and I go through periods where I completely disappear when life got too busy. So, it's all good. We are all different and yes, some of us mull over things and over-analyse whilst others roll up their sleeves and jump right into the thick of things. I'm simply amused at how things have changed. To cater to short attention spans : - The diversity of opinions are interesting. - I reserve the right to discern if responses are indeed constructive or otherwise. - Don't ever feel bad for not reading. I write for myself. :-) A soliloquay of sorts. PS. Should I pay you fees for psycho-analyzing and counselling me? ;-)
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Seachange
9 years ago
I accept VISA or Mastercard.
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RHP User
9 years ago
..."how many lanes do you want on that bridge?" Kisses
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