M57
Friday Funnies
July 29 2016
Comments
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Andremmo
8 years ago
Joe calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I'm really sick today and won't be coming in to work. I've got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt." The boss says, "You know Joe, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and ask her for sex. It makes everything feel better and I can go to work. You should try it." Two hours later Joe turns up to work "Boss, I did what you said and now I feel much better. And by the way, you've got a nice house."
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RHP User
8 years ago
Eating Amanda out.
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Cazz61
8 years ago
Love it hahahahaha
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RHP User
8 years ago
during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
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RHP User
8 years ago
Jack and Jill went up the hillto smoke some marijuanaJack got high unzipped his flythen they had a little funJill forgot to take the pilland now they have a son Yep, my kids are still receiving counselling
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RHP User
8 years ago
just for those who missed my rendition of this little beauty... Mary had a little pigShe couldn't stop it gruntin'She took it for a walk down the laneand kicked it's f@#kin c@%t in
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RHP User
8 years ago
How much does a dead cat cost?..It's priceless,because who can put a price on a dead cat.🐱Q
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RHP User
8 years ago
Outside of a book mans' best friend is a dog.Inside of a dog it's too dark to read 🐶Q
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RHP User
8 years ago
Hey diddle diddle the cat did a piddle behind the kitchen door the little dog laughed to see such a sight so the cat did a little bit more.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Because it was stapled to the chicken I know - so naughty!
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RHP User
8 years ago
My cell mate said " if you ever touch me or talk to me I'll skin you, if you ever touch me when im asleep ill fucking kill you" Great first day in prison, im already married. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'Hank_E_Panky' Hey diddle diddle the cat did a piddle behind the kitchen door the little dog laughed to see such a sight so the cat did a little bit more. A man after my own heart, love this. What is it about dirty nursery rhymes that amused me so much. The thing that tickles me with 'Mary had a little pig' is that I don't say the 'C' word normally, so it seems so naughty, particularly thrown into a nursery rhyme, weird I know
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RHP User
8 years ago
I know it's not Friday anymore but for those who had a big night Starkle, Starkle, little twinkwho the hell are you I thinkI'm not under what you callthe alcofluence of incoholI'm just a little slort of sheep I'm not drunk like thinkle peepI don't know who is me yetBut the drunker I stand herethe longer I get So just give me one more finkto drill my cupcause I got all day soberto Sunday up
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RHP User
8 years ago
another one I've told before on here, apolologies to those who read that, but I really like this one Husband wakes up raging horny, hard as, but his wife is already out buzzing around the kitchen, so he calls his son in to take a note to his wife. It reads..... The tent pole's upThe canvas is spreadForget what you're doingand come back to bed She sends a note back....... Take the tent pole downput the canvas awayThe monkey had a haemorrhage no circus today he sends a note back.... The tent pole is still upThe canvas still spreadSo drop what you're doingand give me some head She sends a note back.... I know that your pole'sthe best in the landBut I'm busy right nowso do it by hand
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RHP User
8 years ago
I need a tent pole, so horny
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RHP User
8 years ago
I like to play with myself let it dry. then crush it up take it to a party when people are drunk let them snort it. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Stantheman222
8 years ago
He says to the bar tender, do you have any bread? The bartender says, no piss off. The duck says, do you have any bread? Bartender says, No, get lost. The duck says, do you have any bread? The bar tender says, if you don't fuck off, I'll nail your beak to the bar. The duck says, do you have any nails? The bar tender says no. The duck says, do you have any bread? - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I came 3 times in the shower trying to wash it off - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off now; cause we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause we're going down the tracks". The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... "For those of you, who are pissed off, about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
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RHP User
8 years ago
Now remember, Engineers aren't boring people, they just get excited over boring things 1. Why did the Engineer cross the road? Because he looked in the project file and that's what he did last year2. Put a glass half full on the table. Optimists see it as glass full full. Pessimists see it as glass half empty. Engineers see it as twice as big as it needs to be3. If you think your Engineer fb is talking dirty when he mentions suck, squeeze, bang, blow, be aware he's talking about the 4 stages of a combustion engine4. Engineers solve problems you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand5. You know if something aint broke, you don't fix it? To an Engineer, if something aint broke, it doesn't have enough features6. Be careful hooking up with an Engineer. Nothing ever gets done on schedule, or on budget Phrases used by Engineers We're still trying a number of different approaches (we're still guessing at this point)I haven't gotten your email (It's been days since I've checked my email)The project is in process (forget it, we've got so many other problems already, we'll never get to it) You know you're an Engineer when........... people glaze overyou know what http:// stands foryou know how to refold a road map (that one's a bit old, who uses road maps anymore?)you see a good design and still have to change ityou pull the computer apart, just to see how it works, or you buy a computer just so you can pull it apartyou answer every question with 'it depends...'your main focus on the primary issue is so great, the simpler solution eludes youyou don't find any of these jokes funny
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soretongue
8 years ago
Bit late for friday considering today is tuesday.. Me: Do you wanna 68? You: What's a 68? Me: You give me a blowjob and I'll owe you one! 😜 Boom tish. Commence laughter 😂
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RHP User
8 years ago
"A hard on does not count as personal growth". I had a laugh at that :)
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MsSuperFoxy
8 years ago
A man boarded a plane with six kids, (gutsy guy!) After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints." Ms Foxy
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RHP User
8 years ago
Thursday in the Eastern States, close enough to Friday Husband and wife are having a full on argument. He spits at her. When you die, I'm having put on your gravestone "Here she lies, cold as ever". She spits back. When you die, I'm having put on your gravestone "Here he lies, stiff at last"
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RHP User
8 years ago
The Sunday School teacher asked the class, "Who went to Mount Olive?" "Popeye", came the quick reply.
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RHP User
8 years ago
My wife was dying . I was beside her bedside. She said in a tried voice " tigers something I must confess " " shhh " I said " there's nothing to confess everything is alright " " no I must die in peace " I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend, and your father " " I know that's why I poisoned you now close your eyes"
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RHP User
8 years ago
Eve was the first carpenter. She made Adam's banana stand.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Adam was the first butcher. He was always chasing Eve with his meat waggin'.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Representatives of the Armed Forces had got together for a meeting and were introducing themselves. The first took a step forward, put out his hand and said, "George Smith, General, Australian Army. married, two sons; both Lawyers". The next stepped forward, put out his hand and said, "Bill Johnson, General, Australian Army, married, two sons; both Surgeons". There was an embarrassing silence until the third officer put out his hand and said, "Jack Collins, Petty Officer, Australian Navy, never married, two sons; both Generals".
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RHP User
8 years ago
The chicken and the egg were laying in bedthe chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied look on it's facewhile the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyedthe egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle then"
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RHP User
8 years ago
Why do little boys whine?They're practicing to be men
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RHP User
8 years ago
Husband and pregnant wife go in for 3 month scanthe doctor looks shocked and tells them their baby has bothfemale and male parts. He says "Your baby is a Hermaphrodite"The husband is horrified, but the wife says "Omg, so you mean it has a penis AND a brain, that's fantastic!" A woman is in a terrible accident and needs a brain transplantthe doctor quotes her $900,000 for a man's brain, and $100,000 for a woman's brainThe woman is really offended and asks why the woman's brain is worth lessThe doctor tells her it's standard pricing procedure"We have to mark the woman's brain down because it's been used" Okay okay, some for the guys...... Man calls 000 and says he thinks his wife is deadthey ask how he knowshe says sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?Because they don't have balls Did you hear about the guy who finally figured women out?He died laughing before he could tell anyone Multi choice question now....What is the quickest way to spread a rumour?A) InternetB) PhoneC) Tell a woman How many men does it take to open a beer?None, it should be opened when she brings it to you
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RHP User
8 years ago
I forget which jokes have been said already, apologies if I've repeated any, too lazy to read back through, sorry
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RHP User
8 years ago
Difference between oral and anal sex.......... Oral makes your day but anal makes your hole weak
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RHP User
8 years ago
a bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove you don't need it
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
I have a slightly different version of one of yours..... What is the fastest way to get a message across;-telephone, telegram, or tell a woman. (Stone age version )
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RHP User
8 years ago
My three Groucho favourites: "I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it" "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" "Those are my principles and if you don't like them, I have others"
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RHP User
8 years ago
A Kiwi lad is walking along Bondi beach one evening when he comes across a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie appears who says, "this is the deal...one wish only". The lad replies, "Ok Bro...I want you to build me a bridge to Auckland so I can drive home to my see my cuzzies" The Genie holds his head in his hands and says, "But I'll need to build special stauncheons for the currents and low-tensile stretchy stuff so it can bend in the wind...Can't you think of something a bit easier?" The lad thinks for a while then says..."I want you to explain to me the workings of the female mind". The Genie replies "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' You know you're an Engineer when........... you know what http:// stands foryou know how to refold a road map (that one's a bit old, who uses road maps anymore?)you pull the computer apart, just to see how it works, you answer every question with 'it depends...'your main focus on the primary issue is so great, the simpler solution eludes you Holy crap! I must be an engineer! (P.S. If you need super strong magnets, pull apart an older hard drive) hehe
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RHP User
8 years ago
A man gets married and shortly afterwards his wife dies. A friend tries to console him and asks, "What happened to your wife?" "She died of poison from eating mushrooms," said the husband. This man gets married a second time, and not long after the marriage, this second wife dies. The same friend tries to console the grieving husband and asks, "What happened to your second wife?" "She died of poison from eating mushrooms," was also the reply from the husband. This man takes a third wife and, not very long after the marriage, the third wife dies. The consoling friend asks, "What happened to your third wife? Was it mushroom poisoning?" The grieving husband responds, "No, she died of a broken neck." "A broken neck!" replies the friend. "Yes," says the husband, ...she wouldn't eat her mushrooms!"
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'Tall_n_Hard' I have a slightly different version of one of yours..... What is the fastest way to get a message across;-telephone, telegram, or tell a woman. (Stone age version )
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RHP User
8 years ago
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RHP User
8 years ago
😀😀😀😀😀😀 - Posted from rhpmobile
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
Dave was not long to be married. He asked Dad what he should prepare for on the nuptial night. Dad talks around the 'birds and the bees' and suggests Dave should have some practice before the upcoming big night. So they go around the property and find a suitable tree with a hollow in it, and Dad explains to Dave to stick his cock in it, and to do the thrusting motions to make sure the bride will be satisfied. So Dad wonders off to leave Dave in peace for his practice. A little while later, Dad returns to ask how it all went. Dave explains it was all right, but wasn't overly enthused. Dad says "Don't worry, with some further practice you will get the drift of it and you will feel better for it". So Dave continues this for a while until it's close to the wedding day, and Dad asks Dave if he's all prepared for the big night. So the big day arrives, and so does the big night. Dave and his new bride are off to the bedroom, and Dad is quietly listening at the door to assess the success of the night. Dad hears the bride say "No - no - get away with that" and Dad thinks success must be at hand. The bride continues to protest louder and louder, screaming at him to get away, with fear in her voice. Dad can't hide his angst, and bursts into the bedroom. There he finds Dave with a broom in his hand, trying to shove it into his bride (wait for it). Dad asks what the hell is going on - to which Dave replies "I'm makin' sure there ain't no bloody possums inside o' this one". Ta-da ! Tall
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RHP User
8 years ago
haha the funniest thing about that was Dad listening outside the door
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' haha the funniest thing about that was Dad listening outside the door obviously in the days before Tele ...
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RHP User
8 years ago
A species that loathes you if you ask their age and torture you if you forget their birthdays. Have a great day Take 2 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Donald Trump is only watching the Olympics to see how far the Mexicans can pole vault - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I just found out that cockfighting was done with chickens. Well thats 12 months of training just wasted - Posted from rhpmobile
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' I just found out that cockfighting was done with chickens. Well thats 12 months of training just wasted - Posted from rhpmobile obviously been watching the wrong youtube videos... Tall
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RHP User
8 years ago
It scares me to look at youtube with " cockfighting" I was watching all youtube films on "training your cock" 😅 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
A dog lover, (whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat'), agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when dogs mate. She was unable to separate them and was perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back. The noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked for me" he replied.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I asked 100 women what body wash they prefer? 99.9% of them said " get the fuck out of my shower , you pervert" - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' I asked 100 women what body wash they prefer? 99.9% of them said " get the fuck out of my shower , you pervert" - Posted from rhpmobile Sooo.... a tenth of one woman said something else? :P
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RHP User
8 years ago
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass Doctors described his condition as stable - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'countrytouch' Quoting 'kisslids' I asked 100 women what body wash they prefer? 99.9% of them said " get the fuck out of my shower , you pervert" - Posted from rhpmobile Sooo.... a tenth of one woman said something else? :P if it was the right tenth that was agreeable I'd say it went ok
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RHP User
8 years ago
If i was a plastic surgeon, i would 100% put a sqeeky toy in every breast enhansment. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
One says "I have a huge crack!" The other replies "Stop teasing me, I'm not fucking hard yet!"
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RHP User
8 years ago
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head. He passes the first woman who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says. He passes by the third woman, who looks down at his penis as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"
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RHP User
8 years ago
Three best friends are talking about problems at work. The first friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." The third friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!" Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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RHP User
8 years ago
According to my fit bit watch Ive masturbated about 6 kilometres - Posted from rhpmobile
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0z_boy
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass Doctors described his condition as stable - Posted from rhpmobile What I would like to know is what was he doing inserting plastic horses up his donkeys arse?
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0z_boy
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' If i was a plastic surgeon, i would 100% put a sqeeky toy in every breast enhansment. - Posted from rhpmobile ARE YOU INSANE!? (or deaf hahah) Women sqwark enough as it is, (apologies to the non sqwarking fems) butt two refillable goon sacks for sure. :D Think of the possibilities! Nipple juice cocktails. Scotch & cockVB & VBWild Turkey & gobble gobble.Everclear & avgas. My girl is a frigid two humped camel hahaha 🐫
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RHP User
8 years ago
He was a mule - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Oops 😎
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RHP User
8 years ago
Makes for a martini (shakin) a bit of fun - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I need some hot , rough sex today And no thinking - Posted from rhpmobile
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
but the first time I saw a movie with Clint Eastwood in it, I had to double-check what I saw.In the credits was his name CLINT EASTWOOD, but the letters were spaced quite closely, so giving the appearance of CUNT EASTWOOD.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month. - Posted from rhpmobile I need something like that, no point in buying them from you though, they'd just keep going home love this
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RHP User
8 years ago
My pet mouse ”Elvis” just died He got caught in a trap
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RHP User
8 years ago
Made me laugh out loud too .. I tried to stop swearing but I cunt
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RHP User
8 years ago
Your pet mouse Elvis getting caught in a trap, that's just too funny
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RHP User
8 years ago
She said"im so horny ill do anything" I said " how about a 69" She replied" fuck off im not cooking at this time of night" - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Ill be posting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, it was me Have a great week peoples - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I'm hosting a charity event for people who can't reach a orgasm. If you can't come please let me know - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I'm selling my dogging equipment on ebay. No bids yet but 10 people are watching - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' I'm selling my dogging equipment on ebay. No bids yet but 10 people are watching - Posted from rhpmobile 'Craning' their necks, no doubt.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' My pet mouse ”Elvis” just died He got caught in a trap My pet mouse just died of Tom Jones syndrome... I'd never heard of it, but apparently it's not unusual.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Man goes to the doctor. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside!" Doc asks "How's that?" Man says: "Don't you start!"
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RHP User
8 years ago
Prostitute goes to the doctor with a cabbage growing out of her ear. The Doc asks: "How does that happen?" The cabbage replies: "I don't know, it started out as just a small mole".
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RHP User
8 years ago
I had my picture taken with REM todayThat's me in the corner
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RHP User
8 years ago
I always like to put music on to enhance the mood when having sex. Usually Whitesnakes ... Here i go again....on my own - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
The statues of the male and female nudes had stood in the park for ages. One day there were struck by lightning and a booming voice called from the sky. "You can come alive for one hour." The statues jumped off their pedestals and ran into the bushes where, for the next hour came sounds of moaning, groaning and grunting of pleasure. "Shall we do it one more time?" asked the male statue to the female statue. "Yes, oh yes!" she cried. "This time I'll hold the pigeon and you can shit on it."
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RHP User
8 years ago
Were standing on a beach arguing..You did..I didn't ...You did...I didn't ..They looked up and saw Father McGinty walking towards them...Father ..says one..Are there Leprachaun Nuns?..No I don't believe there are my son..replied the Father...See Sean,I told you so,you did fuck a penguin. 😈 Q
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RHP User
8 years ago
Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper. Have a great friday people - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
They say you can earn $100 donating sperm. To think i let all that money slip through my fingers. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
All the regulars were sitting around the fire in the country pub when Roy walked in with his mangy dog Ralph. Roy bragged to all and sundry that Ralph was a very intelligent dog. "Never get's it wrong", he said. "Reacts instantly." All the farmers and drovers in the bar were skeptical. "I'm not just talking about simple commands like 'sit', 'stay' and 'heel'," said Roy. "I'm talking about six word sentences and instant obedience." So a bet was laid - $100 to prove that Ralph wasn't capable of passing such a test. Roy matched it, picked up Ralph and threw him on the blazing fire and yelled, "Ralph! Get off that bloody fire!" Disclaimer: The characters, events, and locations depicted in this joke are entirely fictional. No animals were harmed in the transcription of this joke from an archived facsimile dated 19SEP97.
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RHP User
8 years ago
"No Ma'am A gang bang isnt proof you can work as a team. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Lead me not into temptation. Who am i kidding, follow me i know a short cut - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I wonder if any police has been able to keep a straight face while saying you have the right to stay silent - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
You never appreciate something till its gone Toilet paper is a good example - Posted from rhpmobile
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
An exceptionally "well-built" young lady applies fro a job.The interviewer is a slightly older gentleman. "Yes, Ma'am, you are very well qualified, but you'd be working in an office full of ladies."
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
the latest Irish invention ? A parachute that opens on impact. Apologies to any Irish or other nationals who may take offence. Irish jokes were de rigueur during my tertiary days. Tall
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
does it say on the top of an Irish Beer bottle ?. See other end for instructions. What does it say on the bottom of an Irish Beer bottle ? Open other end.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Think I know the same shortcut 😉
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RHP User
8 years ago
When wearing a bikini, a woman reveals 90% of her body. Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts 😊😉
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RHP User
8 years ago
I am also guilty of looking at the covered parts 😊
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' I am also guilty of looking at the covered parts 😊 Looking at the covered parts as in bikini's, or the male 'covered' parts (or both, maybe)
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'Tall_n_Hard' Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' I am also guilty of looking at the covered parts 😊 Looking at the covered parts as in bikini's, or the male 'covered' parts (or both, maybe) I'm not telling
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