M57
Friday Funnies
July 29 2016
Comments
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RHP User
8 years ago
I met this girl and she told me "I want sex really badly." Which is really lucky for her because that's just the way I do it...:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
What do they in common? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . They both wriggle when you eat them
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RHP User
8 years ago
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite"...! He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" Mick phoned, . . . You left your Wheelchair at the Pub." - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Why are coins made of metal? Because change is hard. Peachy
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RHP User
8 years ago
What do you call a Chinese billionaire? Cha Ching - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Anti wrinkle cream should get tested on testicles, because if you can get the wrinkles out of them bastards, you're on a winner - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Im off to CLUB BED Featuring DJ Pillow and Mcblankey - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
She wears my t-shirt to bed. She wears my jacket when she's cold. She'll even wear my boxers. But when I wear her panties one fucking time, I have 'serious mental issues' and I have 'overstepped my boundaries'.:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising fl our. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat.:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Dear Santa.. Last year you got me a Sweater for Christmas. * This year I would prefer a Moaner or a Screamer.:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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boobsandbusted
8 years ago
What do you call a peroxide blonde doing a handstand A brunette with unusual breath,lmao - Posted from rhpmobile
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boobsandbusted
8 years ago
What do you call a peroxide blonde doing a handstand A brunette with unusual breath,lmao - Posted from rhpmobile
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boobsandbusted
8 years ago
What do you call a peroxide blonde doing a handstand A brunette with unusual breath,lmao - Posted from rhpmobile
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boobsandbusted
8 years ago
Another triple post ,I'm sorry Mr b , - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Were having a discussion, back and forth they each made their points, exasperated the Pope says "your like a Blind man wearing a blindfold in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there" "yes" said the atheist, "actually, so are you, only difference is, you found it"
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RHP User
8 years ago
3 x the laugh - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
What is the first thing to come out of your penis during sex? The wrinkles.
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RHP User
8 years ago
The artist of famous songs like "Danger Zone" and "Footloose" is on rhp! RHP confirmed Kenny Log-ins.
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boobsandbusted
8 years ago
Anyone seen a cunt wrapped in plastic Have a look at ur driver licence ,LMAO - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
(Paraphrasing) on subject of mystical creatures/animals... Stephen Fry: What do you get if you cross a Leopard and a Camel? Jo Brand: A fireside rug you can have a nice hump on
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RHP User
8 years ago
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Canberra . This wasn't for any religious reasons. T hey couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
If your left leg was Easter, and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you between the holidays? - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
The path to inner peace starts with four words "Not my fucking problem" - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
1456hrs 04APR12 Dog: SOMEONE BROKE INTO THE HOUSE. Owner: FUCK. Are you ok? I'm coming home. Dog: No need. They didn't take anything. They just did a poo on your bed that looks a bit like one of mine. Owner: You fucking dickhead. 1223hrs 29MAY12 Dog: Fun day. Ran around the house in a cape. I"M BATDOG LOL Owner: Where did you get the cape? Dog: I think role playing helps alleviate my boredom. I feel so alive x Owner: WHERE DID YOU GET THE CAPE? Dog: I PULLED THE CURTAIN RAIL DOWN. JESUS. WHY CAN"T YOU JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME? 1038hrs 05JUN12 Dog: CHASING TAIL Owner: GET IT. GET THAT TAIL. Dog: ALMOST GOT IT Dog: ALMOST GOT IT Dog: ALMOST GOT IT Dog: ALMOST GOT IT Owner: Try changing direction Dog: OMFG TAIL CHANGED DIRECTION TOO Owner: That sneaky BASTARD Dog: Have you got crisps upstairs? Owner: No. Dog: I thought I heard a bag rustling. Owner: You were mistaken. Dog: I'll come up and check. Owner: FFS Alright I HAVE got crisps but they're MINE. Dog: Yeah. Dog: I'll just come up and watch ou eat them. 2130hrs 03APR12 Dog: I'm watching a documentary on hurricanes. Owner: That's nice. Are you learning anything? Dog: Not really. Owner: Has it mentioned Hurricane Katrina? Dog: Were there pants and socks in Hurricane Katrina? Owner: That's the fucking washing machine. 0920hrs 09APR12 Dog: You got a letter. Owner: Ok. Dog: From the bank, I think. Owner: Ok. Dog: Tasted important. 1936hrs 05APR12 Dog: What was my mum like? Owner: She seemed alright. I only saw her once. Dog: So it was like, a one night stand? Owner: What? Dog: You just 'hit it and quit it'? Owner: I'M NOT YOUR BIOLOGICAL FATHER YOU TWAT Dog: Where are you? Owner: I'm on the train. LOOK! Owner: (MMS picture of Red Setter) Dog: WHO THE HELL IS THAT? Owner: It's a dog. On the train Dog: DID YOU STROKE HIM? Owner: Little bit Dog: DON'T BOTHER COMING HOME. 0735hrs 30MAR12 Dog: Hey. Why are you keeping another dog in the bedroom? Owner: Christ. How many times? That's a MIRROR. The dog is YOU. Dog: Oh. Ok. 0958hrs 30MAR12 Dog: Hey. Why are you keeping another dog in the bedroom? Owner: STOP GOING IN THE FUCKING BEDROOM. Dog: Buy me some pants. Owner: What? Dog: I've just realised I'm naked. Buy me some pants Owner: I'm not buying you pants. Dog: Buy me some pants. Owner I'm not buying you pants. Dog: I'm wearing your pants. Owner: TAKE OFF MY PANTS. Dog: I've wet your pants. Owner: You son of a BITCH. Dog: WHY ARE YOU SUCH A CLEAN FREAK? Owner: WTF Dog: WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SPOTLESS? Owner: Calm down Dog: POLISH THE GLASS POLISH THE GLASS Owner: You ran into the patio door again Dog: I COULD HAVE DIED YOU TWATFACED TWO LEGGED BUMHOLE 1159hrs 10APR12 Dog: The Postman's coming up the path. Dog: He thinks he's going to deliver some letters. Dog: He forgot one thing. Dog: BATDOG. Owner: You better not be on the garage roof again. 1030hrs 02APR12 Dog: Just ran up and down the stairs 19 times without stopping. NEW RECORD. Owner: This is literally the proudest day of my life. Dog: I kno! Success came at a cost though. Owner: I bet. You must be exhausted. Dog: Yeah, plus I threw up into your shoes. Owner: Brilliant. I fucking hate you. Dog: I need a girlfriend. Owner: You can't have kids. I had you 'done' remember? Dog: What?! Owner: I had you 'snipped' Dog: WHAT?! Owner: I read a book that said if you weren't planning on breeding your bulldog, you should get them neutered, because in later life they get frustrated. I did it because I love you x Dog: FUCK YOU HITLER Dog: I think I might be depressed Owner: WHAT'S THIS? Owner: (MMS picture of tennis ball) Dog: THAT'S A BALL Dog: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD Dog: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE 0807hrs 15JUL12 Owner: Where are you? Dog: GOT OUT BACK GATE Owner: Christ. WHERE ARE YOU? Dog: CHASING SOME GUY ON A BIKESICLE Owner: STOP. Dog: NEGATIVE. HE'S WEARING LYCRA SHORTS. Owner: I NEED TO BITE HIS ASS 1351hrs 31MAY12 Dog: How's your day going? Owner: Boring. Owner: How's your day going? Dog: AWESOME Dog: Just put on R.Kelly's "Bump and Grind' and had sex with your pillow Owner: STOP HAVING SEX WITH MY STUFF Dog: Who would win in a fight... Owner: I hate this game Dog: ME VS. A SHARK Owner: Shark Dog: ME VS. A BEAR Owner: Bear Dog: ME VS. A TIGER Owner: TIGER Dog: ME VS. A T-REX Owner: PICK. SMALLER. ANIMALS. YOU. IDIOT. 0713hrs 21JUN12 Dog: Have you noticed how I don't lift my leg when I have a wee? Owner: Because you fall over Dog: No. Owner: Yeah. I saw you try it once. You fell over. Dog: Dude, that was a COMBAT ROLL Dog: I thought I heard a GUNSHOT Dog: COME AND UNTIE ME Owner: I'm in the bank. I'll be out in a minute. Dog: COME AND UNTIE ME IMMEDIATELY Owner: Be PATIENT Dog: THERE IS A CHILD STROKING ME Dog: SHE SAID 'WHO'S A GOOD GIRL?' Owner: Are you a good girl? Dog: I AM BATDOG. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. 1209hrs 09JUN12 Dog: WHO'S THE CUDDLY MONKEY FOR? Owner: My niece Dog: SHE CAN'T HAVE IT Owner: It's for her Birthday Dog: I ACCIDENTALLY HAD SEX WITH IT. Dog: NOW WE'RE IN LOVE 1636hrs 03JUN12 Dog: PIZZA DELIVERY GUY'S HERE Owner: Where are you? Dog: FRONT GARDEN Dog: DISGUISED AS BUSH Owner: Oh God Dog: WILL GO FOR TESTICLES Dog: THIS MORNING THE POSTMAN RUBBED MY BELLY Dog: DID YOU TELL HIM TO DO THAT? Owner: I might have mentioned it Dog: YOU REVEALED MY WEAKNESS TO MY GREATEST ENEMY Owner: HE'S NOT YOUR ENEMY Dog: I'VE BEEN BETRAYED BY MY OWN BUTLER Owner: I'M NOT YOUR BUTLER Dog: Mr Postman just made his delivery... Owner: Leave him alone Dog: He thinks he's going to get away with it. Owner: Leave. Him. Alone. Dog: I'M IN THE PASSENGER SEAT OF HIS CAR Owner: GET OUT OF THE CAR Dog: DUDE, CHILL Dog: I saw a dinosaur do this in Jurassic Park 1245hrs 10JUN12 Dog: FOUND THE STICK Owner: Good boy! Bring it back Dog: COULDN'T FIND THE STICK YOU THREW. FOUND A BIGGER ONE Owner: Where did you get it? Dog: IT WAS NEXT TO AN OLD GUY SITTING ON A BENCH Owner: PUT IT BACK 0654hrs 13JUN12 Dog: Awesome morning. Wrapped myself in toilet paper. I'M A MUMMY LOL Owner: STOP WASTING TOILET PAPER Dog: I'm using it to FUEL MY IMAGINATION. Dog: You use it to WIPE YOUR ASS Dog: Which of us is 'WASTING' toilet paper? Dog: CHECK. MATE.
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RHP User
7 years ago
What if I have a child that's allergic to the dogs and I have to get rid of the child?
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RHP User
7 years ago
How to shower like a woman 1. Take off all clothing and place it in a sectioned hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how your getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for the facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with cucumber and aloe vera shampoo with 83 added vitamin. 7. Condition your hair with cucumber and aloe vera conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose water pressure. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Jiff. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If your see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. How to shower like a man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her your tackle making the 'woo' sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror a suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you 't use one). 6. Wash your face. 7. Wash your armpits. 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your arse, leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). 12. Make a shampoo mohawk on top of your head. 13. Pull back the shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee (in the shower). 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. 16. Partially dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom fan and light on. 20. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife along the way, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go 'Yeah baby' and thrust your pelvis at her. 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
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bonefide
7 years ago
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?😎 I know that your pole's the best in the land But I'm busy right now so do it by hand. 😆
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