M57
Friday Funnies
July 29 2016
Comments
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RHP User
8 years ago
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Exactly where you left him
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RHP User
8 years ago
Oh please tell Bikinis are just overpriced wrapping paper Lol - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Haha that they may be but they add to the seduction, bait if you like, soft advertising, the hard advertising comes shortly after 😛👌
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RHP User
8 years ago
to walk the legless dog, just throw it in the pram and off you go 👍
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RHP User
8 years ago
just warming up for Friday so I knew this guy once who said his girlfriend asked him to go out and get something to make her look sexy, so he went out and got drunk
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RHP User
8 years ago
Wife says " you only want sex when your drunk" Thats not true, sometimes i want a kebab , he says - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
The wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level. To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height!:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
It's been reported by the CSIRO that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20% now i have done the calculations and found out that im immortal ..:)... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Just been arrested on a plane after seeing a old friend flying to the same destination, apparently security do not like it when you shout across the plane, "Hi Jack!":) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
After years of trying, Ive finally found my wifes G-spot. Can you believe her sister had it all along!:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
"Enough is enough!", Bill the butcher said to himself. It was fifteen years since the pretty, shy young girl had come into his shop with the news that the baby she was carrying was his. Bill had agreed to provide her with free meat until the child was fifteen years of age. When the child, who was now fifteen, came to collect the next lot of meat, he said, "You'll be fifteen tomorrow. You can tell your mother that this is the last lot of free meat she'll get from me. Then watch the expression on her face." When the boy relayed the message to his mother, she replied, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him that I've had free groceries and free fruit and vegetables for the last fifteen years, then watch the expression on his face."
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RHP User
8 years ago
Teacher in the classroom. She says, "Can anyone give me a sentence with the words "rubber balls" in it?" Little Johnny puts his hand up, teacher says, "Come on then Johnny, stand up and give us your sentence." Johnny stands up and says, "My dad's married a Thai bride and he likes to rubber balls.":) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
A man goes to Lingerie Shop. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she says. "Fuck, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!" - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Treat every day as your dog would. If you cant eat it or fuck it, just piss on it and walk away - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For fuck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!":) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
That's some funny stuff. Peachy
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soretongue
8 years ago
I call my dog 3k.. then i can tell everyone i walk 3k everyday 😉
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RHP User
8 years ago
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again Because it was a dirty double crosser
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RHP User
8 years ago
Okay that's lame Why did the visually impaired blonde cross the road? I don't know, I'll tell you later..........
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'soretongue' I call my dog 3k.. then i can tell everyone i walk 3k everyday 😉 Mine is called "Stay". So I can say: "Come here, Stay!. Stay! Come!"
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RHP User
8 years ago
So it's important for a man to find a woman who cooks and cleans. It's important to find a woman who makes good money. It is important to find a woman who loves to have sex. But most importantly, it is important that these three women never meet
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RHP User
8 years ago
I once told my husband he could tie me up and do whatever he wanted, so he tied me up and went out to play golf
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RHP User
8 years ago
Love it haha - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
in the above example, I don't cook or clean, I'm a bit like Carrie in Sex and the City, I try socks in my oven or make good money, wonder what possible use I could be
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RHP User
8 years ago
actually I've had a good week, I'm rolling in it this week, might celebrate and, ooh there's a thought, a massage would be nice
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RHP User
8 years ago
mmm really horny tonight, I feel like a 79 that's a 69 with 10 people watching
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RHP User
8 years ago
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush This saying suggests we should be happy with the one we have, rather than hoping for two in the bush aha I say go the two in the bush
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RHP User
8 years ago
Let's f ck all I need is u
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' I came 3 times in the shower trying to wash it off - Posted from rhpmobile was just rereading some of these, love it. Sounds like me shaving. I take a little longer than I need to
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RHP User
8 years ago
We would both be hopeless in the shower together then 😂 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' We would both be hopeless in the shower together then 😂 - Posted from rhpmobile No, we'd be GREAT in the shower together
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RHP User
8 years ago
I was reading some Case Law and ran across this little gem: Stroke in shower compensable under PVYW testPublished: 20 October 2015 12:54pm Workers' compensation, Jurisdiction, Legislation, regulation and caselaw An employee who had a stroke while showering in a hotel room has been awarded workers' compensation, after a tribunal found the High Court's motel s-x decision showed the relationship between a work-interval activity and an injury can be temporal rather than causal. I'm pretty sure it does not refer to the kind of 'stroke' you might be talking about though.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Don't know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show....:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
A irish woman was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors removed 2 Nokia's , 3 Motorola's and 1 iphone but no Siemen were found - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'ontology' I was reading some Case Law and ran across this little gem: Stroke in shower compensable under PVYW testPublished: 20 October 2015 12:54pm Workers' compensation, Jurisdiction, Legislation, regulation and caselaw An employee who had a stroke while showering in a hotel room has been awarded workers' compensation, after a tribunal found the High Court's motel s-x decision showed the relationship between a work-interval activity and an injury can be temporal rather than causal. I'm pretty sure it does not refer to the kind of 'stroke' you might be talking about though. you won't believe this. I actually read that as though stroke meant stroking oneself lol my brain doesn't seem to calculate any normal life things anymore
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
You REALLY do have a one track mind, dontcha..... Tall
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RHP User
8 years ago
The sun is not the only thing that rises in the morning - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I bought a penis enhancement device on Ebay.... Bastards sent me a magnifying glass - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I think my wife is selling drugs. Yesterday I was running late for work and the phone rang. I answered it but before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, "Hey honey, has that dope gone yet?":) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
While on holiday in Europe i saw a sign that said English speaking Doctor. I thought what a great idea, we should have them in our country. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' this was meant to follow Tall's comment a page back, oops should have replied with quote. Loving the jokes, just going back a page to see if I've missed any
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RHP User
8 years ago
More on the way - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
still waiting, don't make me tell more nursery rhymes Mary had a little lambIt's fleece was black as coalEvery time it jumped the fenceShe could see it's little asshole
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RHP User
8 years ago
Been trying to get my meat just right, but couldn't couldn't figure out the medium/rare thing, but then 6 inches is medium and 8 inches is rare, right
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RHP User
8 years ago
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RHP User
8 years ago
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
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RHP User
8 years ago
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute unless they turn up in my inbox
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RHP User
8 years ago
Heard today Humpty Dumpty is up on assault charges. When he was questioned about why he pushed his girlfriend up against the wall, he replied he just wanted to see her crack
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RHP User
8 years ago
If I'm repeating jokes already told in the topic, yeah I'm too lazy to go back through the thread to check
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RHP User
8 years ago
😉 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Thank god for nipples. Otherwise titties would be pointless. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
A couple of Thai girls asked me to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had 6 matching balls - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Barry gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the fucking Hell have you been"..??? Barry replies "I was out getting a Tattoo"..?? "A Tattoo"..??? she frowned. "What kind of Tattoo did you get".?? "I got a Tattoo of a Hundred Dollar Bill on my Knob" he said proudly. "What the Hell were you thinking"?.?? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on Earth would you get a Hundred Dollar Bill Tattooed on your Knob"..??? "Well, 4 Reasons - One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and Blow a Hundred Bucks anytime you want." If you wish to visit. Barry is in the Royal Brisbane Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
She whispered in his ear 'Darling, I want you to tell me dirty things....'. He whispered back 'Bathroom, kitchen, lounge.....:) Quoting i touch All this dirty talk and we might need a shower... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
My husband asked why do I watch cooking shows when I can't cook . So I asked him why he bothered watching porn .
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' Been trying to get my meat just right, but couldn't couldn't figure out the medium/rare thing, but then 6 inches is medium and 8 inches is rare, right 4 inches would be "well done" ? Somehow methinks not necessarily. Tall
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RHP User
8 years ago
😅 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Got fired today. First day on the job as a masseur. Apparently, the instructions to 'finish on her face' didn't mean what I thought it meant. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fucking thing! - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' She whispered in his ear 'Darling, I want you to tell me dirty things....'. He whispered back 'Bathroom, kitchen, lounge.....:) Quoting i touch All this dirty talk and we might need a shower... - Posted from rhpmobile okay
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RHP User
8 years ago
Im showerinf, you?? - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Showering - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' Got fired today. First day on the job as a masseur. Apparently, the instructions to 'finish on her face' didn't mean what I thought it meant. - Posted from rhpmobile that's what I would have meant I'd be firing your ass if you didn't come on my face
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RHP User
8 years ago
the comments keep dropping in out of order, we must be posting at the same time but you're more important than me lol are you a higher member level, like the ducks guts sort of thing? us bottom dweller premiums just get pushed to the side sigh
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RHP User
8 years ago
you're even lower than I am aha anyway, back on topic, what was the topic again oh yes Women translated Fine - word women use to end an argument, when they are right and you need to shut up Five minutes - if she's getting dressed, this means an hour Nothing - this is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes, be afraid Loud sigh - this is actually a word, learn the meaning and be on your toes Do whatever you want - this is not permission to do whatever you want I don't want to ruin our friendship - you will never see me naked I forgive you - I've decided I can live with what you've done but you should know I'll hold it against you for the rest of your life Does this make me look fat - if you answer yes, you're a fucking idiot I'm not hungry - you order and I'll eat most of what's on your plate sense of humour is the most important thing to me - but I'll settle for that guy with the 6 pack and giant dong Let's get a dog - I want to have babies but I don't want to scare you off Maybe - no Whatever - not winning, not conceding, deuce, going to a tie breaker next round
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RHP User
8 years ago
Men translated It's my fault, I'm sorry - you've been arguing about this for hours, you wore me down, can we have sex now? Can we talk about this later - can you pretty pretty please, with sugar on top, SHUT THE FUCK UP You look amazing in that dress - can we go now (refer 5 minutes/one hour above) It's a guy thing - if you don't get it, I can't explain it, don't worry about it, it's not a big deal, and it's probably stupid anyway. Can we drop it? How many guys have you slept with? - there's no good answer to this question, he won't like the truth, and doesn't like being lied to, so kind of wants you to avoid the question, spare him I love you - hmm depends when it's said, don't believe it if it's after an argument, during sex, or if he's just about to ask permission to spend $10,000 on a jet ski (when asked what you're thinking about) Nothing - something but I'm not about to tell you Can we have sex now?
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RHP User
8 years ago
Coffee makes people really aggresive, last nite I had 11 beers down the pub. While my wife had 2 coffees at home, u should have heard the shouting when I got home!!..:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting i touch Can we have sex now? Yes, anytime.... 😆 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
The man that invented throat lozenges died last week, there was no coffin at the funeral.:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear 'the rules' From the female side Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We haveno idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape ! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
love that all sounds pretty on the money. But the toilet seat no man will ever leave the toilet seat up in my house, hate it up. I'll know if he leaves it up, even when I'm not there, I'll have a sensor put in that will send a signal to my phone
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RHP User
8 years ago
A woman asked me if I prefer legs, breasts or thighs. I said I like them all, but how about I just go straight for the tight pussy. Apparently that is not an acceptable answer in KFC.
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RHP User
8 years ago
got fired again. I can't figure out what I did wrong. I just took a day off, where's the harm in that? The calendar company wasn't happy
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soretongue
8 years ago
Thought u were going to say burger for a sec. Tight pussy is alot funnier though.. unless ur a Trump supporter 😜
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'countrytouch' A woman asked me if I prefer legs, breasts or thighs. I said I like them all, but how about I just go straight for the tight pussy. Apparently that is not an acceptable answer in KFC. you'd enjoy the KFC in Hong Kong
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RHP User
8 years ago
My computer is throwing another Christmas bash to show it's appreciation. All components are invited and this year's bash is a little kinky. Some light snacks and games/activities will be provided. Please use adequate firewall, don't want to pick up a a nasty virus Dropdown Menu MicrochipsPizza scrollsDark chocolate tool barsand othe byte size snacks Taskbar Board games and activities for the night will be: Memory, Linkit, Pixelation, Deadly embrace, Deep linking, Delay spread, Delay equalisation, Dedicated hosting, Dead link, Defender, Depth perception, Desktop lockdown, Desktop video conferencing, Departmental computing, Pin the tail of your opponent, Backup, Bait and switch. To preselect your food for the night, please select from the dropdown menu. Don't be shy, come turn your software into hardware, the company supports team work. Any questions, ask your task manager
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RHP User
8 years ago
it's officially Friday nah I'm a rebel, might wait until Saturday to tell my next joke
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RHP User
8 years ago
the dark chocolate toolbars sound delicious don't they
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RHP User
8 years ago
I really hope I'm not repeating any already posted, apology in advance if I am Doctor: "You're obese" Patient: " Whoa, for that I want a second opinion" Doctor: "Okay, you're quite ugly as well"
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RHP User
8 years ago
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something naughty.... If you see me laughing, I've probably already done it
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RHP User
8 years ago
A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, and just beginning to have sex on the couch when he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.. Before he could turn around her father said "if ur a real lorry driver u'll be able to back out of there with a full load ! :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
In Hong Kong - isn't it KFA ? (Kentucky Fried Anything) Tall
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RHP User
8 years ago
My girl got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. When you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.
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RHP User
8 years ago
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. we went out and had drinks. cool guy, wants to be a web designer. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
No matter how much mascara I put on my penis, I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting. Fuck you Maybelline, just fuck you! 😃 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'kisslids' No matter how much mascara I put on my penis, I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting. Fuck you Maybelline, just fuck you! 😃 maybe if you had a french tickler maybe he's born with it, maybe it's...
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RHP User
8 years ago
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RHP User
8 years ago
A recent study shows a dramatic increase in female archaeologists. Apparently this is due to the fact they love to dig up shit from the past on a regular basis.:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Got a porn film the other day, I put it in the DVD player but it was just a dark blurry picture of some fat bloke holding his cock, then I realised I hadn't switched the tv on!.:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Told the wife i was gonna build a car out of spaghetti, she said don't be fucking stupid and grow up! You should have seen her face when i drove pasta! - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I think my girlfriend had 61 boyfriends before she met me because she calls me her sixty second lover!:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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soretongue
8 years ago
You're at a wonderful age! If u don't believe me, wait 5 yrs and see what u'd give up to be this age again. 😉
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RHP User
8 years ago
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Choke - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Arrived home last night to find a Pretty, Young Woman Grouting the Bathroom Wall. Singing 'It's a Heartache, nothin' but a Fools Game.'... * I thought to myself, she's a Bonnie Tiler...!!..:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Wow what a session that was in the bedroom god only knows how many calories I burnt off there. I fucking hate putting the doona cover on:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I'm really struggling on a punchline for a joke about escapology. Can anyone help me out?...:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Apparently they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a Man asking a Woman how her day was...:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
After several attempts. I've finally had Sex with my Girlfriend while on the back of a Motorcycle. * It was a Triumph.:) - Posted from rhpmobile
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